Chapter Two: SNAKE EATER
Chapter Two: SNAKE EATER! And an opening theme
(Opening Theme Song. Snake Eater theme song plays in the distance.)
(What a thrill, In darkness and silence through the ni-i-ght...What a Thri-i-ll Im searching and i'll melt into you..What a fear in my heart..but your so supreme..I'D GIVE MY LI-I-FE NOT FOR HONOR, BUT FOR YOU,(Snake Eater) IN MY TI-I-ME THERE'LL BE NO ONE ELSE..CRI-I-ME IT'S THE WAY I FLY TO YO-O-U I'M STI-I-LL IN A DREAM, SNAKE EATER! SOME DAY, YOU GO THROUGH THE RAIN, SOME DAY YOU FEED ON A TREE FROG, THIS ORDEAL, THE TRIAL, TO SURVI-I-VE FOR THE DAY, WE SEE NEW LIGHT!! I GIVE MY LIFE, NOT FOR HONOR, BUT FOR YOU, SNAKE EATER..IN MY TI-I-ME THERE'LL BE NO ONE ELSE..CRIME IT'D THE WAY I FLY TO YO-O-U I'M TILL IN A DREAM SNAKE EATER...I-I'M STILL IN A DREAM...SNAKE EATER! Snake..Eater.. DUN DUN DUN DDUUN!) Snake Landed in a large lake. He quickly swam up to the surface, only to come face-to-face with a yellow horse with wings.
"EEP...H...hi there..I'm..fluttershy." Fluttershy said the last word very slowly, as if she were talking to an animal.
"Hello. My Name is Snake. You are a talking horse. That is not physically possible. Now..Who created you." Said Snake, while slowly climbing onto dry land. Fluttershy was suprised to see this creature talking in perfect Equestrian Language (I don't know what they're language is.) And this creature had clothes. Snake was wearing a general's outfit with a gray cap on. He ad an assortment of badges gracing his once clean-cut outfit.
"Um..M..My mom and dad had se-" Fluttershy was interrputed By Snake putting his hand over her mouth.
"ssh..Someone is here. Watching u-" Snake was intterputed when five ponies came rushing in and attacked him. Snake quickly pulled out his Patriot and Pointed it at the Five ponies. Excluding Fluttershy.
"Um..Everyone...EVERYONE STOP FIGHTING!" Everyone stopped moving when Fluttershy yelled at them.
He never tried to attack me. He was acting in self defense....r...right Mr. Snake?" Said Fluttershy
Snake Nodded and put away his weapon and pulled out a ration to eat.
"Om..nom..nom..yeah..om..nom..You all attacked first, I never tried to attack her..om..nom..nom." Said snake with food in his mouth. Every Pony looked at Snake, then at Fluttershy.
"A..are yall absolutely sure?" Said the Orange one with a Cowboy hat.
"Yes..We were just talking. He never tried to hurt me." Said Fluttershy." Um..Snake, these are my friends. Applejack,Rarity,Twilight,Pinkie Pie,and Rainbow Dash." Said Fluttershy.
"Hey. What the heck are you anyway. You sure aren't any kind of pony I'VE seen." Said Rainbow Dash.
"I'm a Human. My name Is Snake. And...I don't think I'm on earth anymore. If you need to know, I am an Ommnivore, Meaning I eat meat and Vegitables.(Crap..spelled that wrong.There will also be blood...and LOTS of bad language.)" Said Snake, wringing his cap out with his hands.
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999810 Alright. If this gets more than 13 Dislikes. I'm Stopping. Ok. I'm guessing you don't like this story. Fine. Don't read. I understand that my stories aren't good. It's Fine With Me.
999975
I like the premise... but the execution is severely lacking on the effort. Which is really a shame because I would like to see a well done fanfic along these lines.
Listen, try again. Take the story down, rewrite it and find someone who is willing to work with you.
A collaboration project would make working on this more interesting, and give you some great ideas and constructive criticism to better yourself with. 
999975
The main thing to keep in mind, IS PACE YOURSELF!!!
Take your time, have fun with this, and in a cliche sense try to bring the story to life.
This is beyond rushed. Include details regarding character motivation and actions, slow down and pace the dialogue out a bit, and by all means check out some of your own books or popular stories on here and pay attention to how the story plays out. It does help.
Once again. You can fix all this. If you just hire a proof reader.
Might want to go into more detail with... Everything. I want to like it, but it's way too rushed, and Snake probably would'nt be so casual about things. Put something between him landing and meeting Fluttershy, maybe have her just take off when she sees him. Also, I belive he left The Patriot at The Boss' grave.