True Betrayal

by MarblePieLover

Chapter 3 Audio and Stare-io

Tempest Shadow spent all day looking for the ink demons ship. But could not see it. “Worried about Grubber?” said a voice behind her. It turned out to be Twilight sparkle. “Yeah hes like a little brother to me” said Tempest. Twilight then put a hoof around her and said “you get some rest. Ill keep look out” said Twilight. “Thanks” said Tempest walking to her room to try and get some sleep. She was about to go to bed when she heard a strange sound. And suddenly with a large thud a object fell on the ground. Tempest looked at it. It was a audio recorder. She pressed the play button. There was a click and a male voice spoke “Theres nothing wrong with dreaming wishing for the impossible is just human nature.thats how i got started just a pencil and a dream! We all want everything without even haveing to lift a finger. They say you just have to believe. Belief can make you succeed. Belief can make you rich. Belief can make you powerful. Why. With enough belief you can even cheat death itself! Now that.” a small laugh came on the recording “is a beautiful and positively silly thought” with a click the recording stopped. Suddenly a scream came from the deck.

Tempest suddenly ran to the deck and saw Fluttershy stareing at a odd looking creature. It had a mouth ontop of its head and one realistic like eye the other cartoonish. It looked very worried. “Whats going on?” Tempest said to Rainbow dash. Rainbow dash said “This creep landed on our ship and tryed to attack Pinkie. Luckly fluttershy used her stare to stop this creature.” Fluttershy keep stareing at the creature. The creature then broke eye contact with fluttershy and jumped off the ship “stop it!” shouted Twilight. Rainbow then flew over and grabbed the creature then threw it in a cage. “And stay there!” shouted Rainbow Dash. “I’ll keep a eye on this thing.” said Tempest. as the others fell asleep Tempest kept a eye on the creature.

Comments

[MarblePieLover]

If anyone wants to do a reading. they can!

[TheMajorTechie]

You misspelled "betrayal" in the title.

[Sober]

At the risk of seeming like a grammar nazi... (I'm not, promise!) I would suggest finding a proofreader after reading the description.

Some things I saw when going over it.

True Betrayl

Missing an 'a' in Betrayal

Tempest though she knew the best way to survive was all alone. But a inky little dancing demon shows her that she knew nothing of being traitored.

Bendy and the ink machine belongs to the meatly

-"though" should be "thought"
-"she knew" should be removed or edited. I forget the word for it but it effectively breaks the sentence. (Tempest thought the best way to survive was all alone.)
-"a" should be "an"
-"traitored" should be "betrayed"
-"ink" should be capitalized as it's a title.
-"machine" should be capitalized as it's a title.
-"meatly" should be "theMeatly"

Chapter 1 Inky beginings

-"beginings" should be "beginnings" or "Beginnings"

It might be worth a shot to hunt for a proofreader or editor in Looking for Editors.

[MarblePieLover]

9316196
thank you dear sir/....sirette.

[MarblePieLover]

...i realy hope somebody does a reading of this. i worked real hard on it. if the lostnarritor did a reading of this it would make my day.