Chapter One: Wake Up, Sleepyhead!
*BOOOOOOOOOOM*
My eyes jerked open at the sound of the massive explosion. Looking around, I realized I was trapped in a cocoon-type thing. I bucked and kicked until the cocoon split open with a wet tear. Naturally, gravity decided to take hold at this moment and I fell out of the cocoon with a splash. I stood up, shook myself off, and fluttered my wings. Wait, I have wings? Looking back, I saw a pair of holey, insectoid wings. Then it all came flooding back. I'm a Changeling. Chrysalis put us all into stasis as the bombs were falling. But wait, if I'm waking up, that must mean that all of my brothers and sisters are too.
"Hello? Anyone?" I called out with no response. Sighing, I walked away from the stasis chamber down the hallway. I found a hooflocker and tried to open it, to no avail. Trotting to the next one, I missed the small hole in the floor and almost fell through. I fluttered my wings and flew back into the storage area. I finally got to the second hooflocker and found that it was open. Peering inside, I found a set of leather armor. It was just my size. Then again, all female changelings are the same size except for the Queen. Leaving the rest of the lockers, I heard a groan and skittering from the next room.
"Brother!? Sister!?" I yelled frantically. Sprinting into the room, I saw the source of the skittering. A giant cockroach was crawling towards an Earth Pony mare. I recoiled in horror from the roach, until I noticed the mare was still breathing. Hoping I could save her, I leapt foward and smashed the suprisingly fragile bug with one of my hooves. The mare coughed and turned over. "Hello? Is there anything I can do to help you?" I asked.
"Med-X... left pocket of... my *cough* saddlebag... inject it in... my back leg," the mare rasped. I didn't know what 'Med-X' was, but sure enough there was only one needle in her left pocket. I pulled it out and jammed it into her hindleg. After a couple seconds she shuddered and got to her hooves. She opened another pocket on her saddlebags and pulled out a glass bottle with a bright purple liquid in it. She pulled the top off with her teeth and downed the bottle with two gulps. "Ahh, much better. Thanks... AAAAAAAAAA!" she retreated into a corner after she saw me. "What are you!?"
"A changeling," I replied flatly. "The one who injected you with the Med-X?" She raised an eyebrow at me and tossed the empty bottle away.
"Huh, that's a new one. I thought they were all extinct." She responded. My eyes grew wide with fear.
"Extinct!?" I cried. I drooped my head, holding back a sob. How could my kind be extinct? We're one of the most resilient races on Equis. I laid down and bawled into my hooves. I was alone when I first woke up and now I know why. I felt a hoof on the back of my head.
"Hey, it's alright. I'm sure you're not the only one left. There's bound to be more out there somewhere." She cooed while rubbing the back of my head. I gave her my best Changeling smile and wiped my eyes. I finally got a good look at the mare. She had bright green eyes, a wicked scar above her right eye, and a shortly cropped purple mane. Her fur was a dull white that was pockmarked with bloodstains, dirt, and grime.
"So, I never got your name." I spoke while sniffling. "Mine's Vice Versa."
"Rose," she offered a hoof. I bumped it. "Don't ask, please." She chuckled.
"How'd you get that scar?" I inquired. She rubbed the back of her hoof against the scar. She took a deep breath then sighed.
"It's a long story, you got time for it?" she asked. I nodded. "Alright, It was about four years ago, I was hunting up by Zebra lands, when outta no where this invisible lizard thing attacks me. I backed away just in time and narrowly avoided losing my head," she gestured to the scar. "Bastard cut me up good. Nearly got me too, but then some zebra shows up and kicks the crap outta the thing with some fancy kung-fu stuff. He gave me some healing bandages and just left. Never said a word to me." She sighed and rubbed her scar again.
"That's a pretty cool story," I replied. She smiled at me.
"So, why didn't you attack me? I always figured that Changelings hated ponies." She asked. I winced a little and sighed.
"According to my superiors, I have something called 'empathy sickness'. Changelings aren't supposed to feel emotions, seeing as we feed on them. I was in and out of prison until the day the bombs fell." I adjusted my armor. She gasped. Being very uncomfortable discussing this, I changed topics quickly. "So, what was that giant roach thing?" I asked.
"You've never seen a Radroach before?" She asked flatly. I shook my head.
"Remember, I've been in stasis for 200 years." I responded.
"Right, I got just the thing for ya." She began digging through her saddlebags until she spit a book out in front of me.
"The Wasteland Survival Guide by Ditzy Doo." I announced "First copy free for every family," I added, after reading the bottom. "What's a wasteland?" She facehoofed.
* ** ** ** *
After about three hours, I finally finished the book and slammed it shut. Rose had apparently been nodding off because she jumped a foot in the air.
"All done! It seems I've missed a lot in the last 200 years," I said. She just gaped at me. "What? A Changeling in stasis can last as long as a millenium. The last thing I remember was being put in my chamber when the bombs were going off."
"Wow, that's crazy. Why'd you wake up?" She asked.
"I dunno, I heard a huge explosion and my pod deactivated." I replied.
"Heh, that was my fault, she said sheepishly. "I was trying to blast my way through a cave wall and I must have hit a gas line or something."
"What were you trying to get into?" I inquired.
"Just a supply cache on the surface. I think I might have crossed a wire or something because it blew up and I ended up down here. Demolitions was never my strong suit." She began digging through her saddlebags again after putting The Wasteland Survival Guide back and pulled out a bottle. "Sparkle Cola?" she offered. I took it in my magic and looked at it a bit hesistantly. "Something wrong?" she asked as she pulled one out for herself.
"I've never had this before," I responded a bit sheepishly. She gasped.
"You don't know what you're missing," she said in a singsong voice as she twisted the cap off of her Cola. I opened mine and took a test sip. I was pretty good, a bit carroty for my tastes, but then again, love is the only thing I've ever had.
"Not bad," I said, taking another sip. She giggled. "So, where to now?" Her eyes widened.
"Oh, horseapples. I gotta get back home!" she exclaimed.
"Why? What's wrong?" I asked, a bit worried for my safety.
"I was supposed to be home hours ago! Oh, I'm so dead." She whined
"You're dead?" I got into a combative stance. "Who's going to kill you?" I looked around the room. She facehoofed again.
"It's a metaphor, meaning I'm in a lot of trouble when I get home." she spoke matter-of-factly. I laid back down. She giggled again. "If we're gonna go back, we- I mean you'll need a disguise and a backstory." I thought for a moment.
Pegasus, mare. My horn lit up and surrounded me in a green light. Blue coat, dark blue mane, pink eyes. The glow began to subside and features took shape. Slowly, my body changed into that of the pony I was describing. I opened my eyes and found Rose gaping at me. I giggled at her. "Careful, a radroach might fly in." She laughed.
"You don't have a Cutie Mark," she said while pointing at my flank.
"I haven't thought of one yet, duh," I replied. I thought about my Cutie Mark. What do I want it to be? I got it! I focused my magic and my flanks were suddenly decorated with a fancy camera.
"Cameras? That's a weird cutie mark for the wasteland," Rose said.
"It fits my pegasus name doesn't it?" I asked. "Flash," I announced while gesturing to something in the distance. She tried to see what I was pointed at until I pushed her over. "We should get going."
"Right, of course," she said while securing her saddlebags. We exited the room and started looking for a way out.
* ** ** ** *
After about an hour of fruitless exploring, we came to a huge room that went up several stories. Caves were all throughout the room, and went off in practically every direction. A massive throne sat in the center that was richly decorated with diamond gems. I realized that I recognized this room. I fell to my haunches.
"What's wrong?" Rose asked.
"This is the Queen's Chamber. It's where she went over the plan for the Invasion of Canterlot. It's also where she ordered Mass Recall." I whispered.
"Mass Recall?" she inquired. I rubbed my hoof on the throne.
"When the bombs started falling, our agents near Cloudsdayle sent word to Queen Chrysalis and she relayed the order for Mass Recall to all Changelings able to get back. Once we got here, we were put into stasis. That's pretty much all I remember. Of course, I hardly left the Hive." I got back up and went around to the back of the throne. "Ah ha, I always knew she kept it here." I grabbed the Starblaster with my mouth and showed it off to Rose. She gasped when she saw it.
"Chrysalis had a Starblaster!?" She yelled. "Those things are crazy powerful."
"I saw it once when Celestia counterattacked several months after the invasion. The Princess was almost killed by it. She ordered a full retreat after that. We lived in relative peace until Judgement Day." I tucked the Starblaster and several boxes of ammo into a pocket on my armor. "I think I know the way out," I announced to Rose. We walked through a rather large hallway until we came to a large set of double doors. "This is it." I spoke while pushing on the door. "Gimme a hand here, will you?" I grunted to Rose.
"Uhh, sure," she replied and took up a spot on the other door. After a couple minutes of pushing the doors finally separated and we were greeted by the gloomy atmosphere of the border between Equestria and the Badlands. "Follow me. It should be about an hour's trot." Rose called out to me.
* ** ** ** *
The trip back to Rose's village was mostly uneventful, save for one encounter with a Radhog. She skinned the beast and put the meat into several plastic bags. I licked my lips, remembering the delicious taste of bacon. "Not much further now, a couple minutes at most." Rose nickered.
We came to a gate that was about four ponylengths tall. It was mostly made of old scrap, the same as the rest of the wall. The guard, taking notice of us, piped up and yelled down to us.
"Halt! What is your business with Acropolis?"
"It's me, Hardaim," Rose replied in a bored tone.
"Rose? Shit girl, your folks have been out of their minds with worry! You better get your keister inside. Wait, who's your friend?" Hardaim questioned.
"My name's Flash. I helped Rose out of a jam," I called back.
"Oh, well I suppose any friend of Rose's is a friend of mine. Go on in." He pulled a lever on the other side and the gate rolled apart with a slight squeal. We trotted in and I trailed her to a house on the other side of the compound. Her house was magnificent, for a 200 year-old wreck. All of the rubble was cleared away and the house was painted a bright blue. Rose cleared her throat and I followed her inside.
She cautiously opened the door and was immediately tackled by an older unicorn mare with a red coat and a magenta mane and pegasus stallion with a bright green mane and coat. The unicorn's cutie mark was a pair of scizzors cutting blue fabric and the pegasus's cutie mark was a blackened cloud and lightning bolt.
"Oh honey! We were so worried! What happened?" the older mare whinnied between kisses.
"I was wiring up some explosives when they went off. I was almost eaten by a Radroach," she admitted. "But Flash here saved me!" She beamed while gesturing to me. I was about to say that it wasn't any trouble, (it really wasn't) when Rose's mom tackle-hugged me.
"Thank you thank you thank you thank you so much!" For such a skinny mare, she had an iron-grip hug.
"Can't... breathe..." I rasped.
"Oops, sorry dearie. I"m just glad that my baby is alright." her mom let go and rubbed the back of her head sheepishly. Rose just rolled her eyes. I gasped for breath.
"So, I never got your names." I said while rubbing my wounded ribs.
"I'm Rhubarb, and this is my husband Striker," the older mare said kindly.
"Charmed," Striker said in a surprisingly deep voice. He held out a hoof and I bumped it. He noticed my cutie mark. "That's a strange cutie mark, you a photographer?" He asked.
"I am- er, was. My village was attacked by a pair of Hellhounds. Only myself and my sister survived." I said while trying to cry.
"Oh you poor dear," Rhubarb cooed while rubbing the back of my head.
"Well, it's late. We all should be getting to bed," Rose voiced while supressing a yawn. Whew, saved by the mare.
"Alright, g'night girls!" Rhubarb called to us as we walked upstairs. We arrived in Rose's room and she shook off her saddlebags. She took out the Radhog meat and put it into a refrigerator.
"Uh. I can't maintain my disguise while sleeping. Any place out of the way I can crash?" I asked. She pointed up. I looked up and saw that the roof was covered with rafters crossing the length of the room. I took off my armor and put it down in a corner. "Good night," I called down to her while flying up to the rafters.
"Good night," she replied while covering up. I found a nice spot in the corner of the room. I stretched and shed my guise. Laying down, I was asleep in moments.
(A/N)
Level Progress: 50%
Changeling: You have the ability to select from a set of Sub-Perks based on your current cutie mark.
Current Sub-Perk: Papparazi: You know just how to get all of those incriminating photos for your magazine, as well as talking your way out of sticky situations when caught. +10 to Sneak and Speech
I'm looking forward to reading more! I get the feeling that writing perks and Level Up isn't going to be so easy for one who can adopt any form they choose, so I wish you the best. If it keeps on like this I'll be most pleased!
I'm looking forward to reading more! I get the feeling that writing perks and Level Up isn't going to be so easy for one who can adopt any form they choose, so I wish you the best. Ive been pleased by the quality of writing in most FoE side stories and I must say this has been good just a few questions:
1. With the obvious animosity seen between ponies and the changelings why is it that Rose is so quick to trust one, aside from being the one who helped her, and for that matter why would V.V. show any compassion towards a wounded pony?
2. Why would Rose know about changelings at all? 200 years can obscure a LOT of history and if there were records of the changelings from that time wouldn't Rose be more openly hostile towards V.V.? Or was there a standing truce between the changelings and the ponies after the assault on Canterlot and the reprisal afterwards? If there were no arrangement why wouldn't the Zebra try to enlist the assistance of the changelings as allies in their war against Equestria?
If you feel like it I would love to hear answers but regardless I will be eagerly awaiting the next chapter!
970536 All shall be explained in future chapters. I apologize if it's a bit cryptic.
No worries and thanks for the quick reply I read this while I was on lunch break at work!
Interesting, but i see you it won't be much serious :D
Rhubarb huh strange xD especially there is other fanfic not long ago made about changeling named rhubarb.
But looking for more :)
Oh and you can do changeling pipboy for cover ;D
And btw its more in Black Isle fallout world or bethecrap failout ?xD
Interesting I have been waiting for someone to do a changeling in foe. I have one pretty major complaint thou. The story seems very rushed. I don't think you should be afraid of rambling on a little more and maybe add some environment descriptions.
Perks added! Oh, and Chapter Two should be here sometime between Saturday and Monday. It'll be much longer, I Pinkie Promise!
It felt pretty rushed. Try to go into more detail with the environment and the characters emotions, I think that might help. Otherwise I think it's an interesting story which has potential.
Detail added! If only a little bit.
ok that changeling perk damn that is a hell of a perk
I like it so far. The meeting between Vice Versa and Rose seemed a bit rushed, but the chapter seemed to smooth out as it went along. Vice's reaction to the death of her race seems a bit.. distant. Seeing as she spent a lot of time in Changeling prison for having empathy sickness and all the other Changelings were relatively emotionless, I can see why.
A changeling losing its disguise while unconscious is an awesome concept, and the use of the Wasteland Survival Guide to get Vice up to date was clever. ALSO, the use of empathy sickness in this chapter is actually a relief. That helped show me that you're familiar with the fannon of changelings.
Only complaint I had was that you have the "much" instead of "must" in the last sentence of the first paragraph.
TL;DR
Good concepts. Good potential. I expect good things.
Don't take anything I say personally, because it rustles my jimmies when people do that.
I can't say I like it too much so far. It's a good concept, but you're not executing it very well.
1. You're sentences are much too simple; try not to use "and" every other sentence (unless your trying to describe multiple objects at once). Vary your word and punctuation choice a lot more.
2. So far, you're characters are far too trustworthy and flat. Even though you said in the comments how you would explain it, you should at least describe Vice's emotion. And in general Rose and Vice are too stupidly happy. They're not real characters; there's no soul.
3. Vice has emotion sickness, but she doesn't seem to have any emotion. Get into her mind a bit more.
4. That wasn't a long story at all! In fact, she got the scar in the first sentence and the whole story was four sentences. Doing stuff like that doesn't add to the story at all. You don't need her to say it was a long story, that's just silly.
5. Nothing is described in detail, character motions and scenery alike. Take some more time to describe it. As I would say to a friend I once edited a story for (That 1 Guy, Clockwork if you would like to know): "LOCOMOTION!"
6. Adding to the last one, you really on the breaks too much to describe what you don't want to for whatever reason. Why does the walk back have to be described as "uneventful". Wouldn't it be better to describe the characters dialogue? Or describe Vice's surprise when she sees the radhog?
7. Once again, they're too trustworthy. A stranger being welcomed like that just doesn't happen in the wasteland -- besides in places like Arbu -- even if they're accompanied by some pony the town trusts.
And most of all, don't say to me: "I'll get more into it in later chapters." Make all chapters be equally awesome.
At last have I taken my time to write my thoughts about this. And will probably come back and write a little bit about each chapter over the next few days.
First of all, Rose is surprisingly calm. She was literally screaming into the face of Vice Versa. And she thinks that changelings attack ponies on sight, something that she says herself. Why is she so friendly? It would be like you saw a raider and asked him for help, he did it and puff! You are friends. We are in the Wasteland, where anything kills you. So why does she act like that?
And in a minor note, was that the shortest long story I have ever heard. I could understand it if she said that she would tell a short version of it since they need to move their buts. But she Vice if she has the time for it, that could have been done better.
And also, why did she use a Med-X against the pain when she would drink a potion just after it? What help would the painkiller do to a healed wound?
When Vice taste "real" food for the first time is it only "pretty good"? I would say a soda would almost kill her in a taste explosion. Think about it like you only have eaten rice all your live and then gets wasabi or ginger. Sir Pratchett have given us a brilliant example of that in "Thief of time". But this is just a minor thing that I only find rather odd.
A Starblaster? A frigging starblaster to a LV1 char. Sory but isn´t that a little (read big) to powerful for her? And how did Rose know what it was? Even the ponies pre-war didn´t knew what it was, unless they was within the weapon or technology fields. And when it is mentioned in PH is it so rare that mister Horse need to threat with all his power in his company to keep Goldenblood from trying to take it. And even when we look over that, how the hell did Vice open the secret room in the throne? Just because you know that there is one, does it not mean that you know how to open it.
This part of the story is actually rather fun:
"She cautiously opened the door and was immediately tackled by an older unicorn mare with a red coat and a magenta mane and pegasus stallion with a bright green mane and coat. The unicorn's cutie mark was a pair of scizzors cutting blue fabric and the pegasus's cutie mark was a blackened cloud and lightning bolt." Vice have until now had problems with explaining how anything in the Wasteland is. And that she can see the cutiemarks while all that happens is beyond my understanding.
All in all would I also say that they are all rather calm. Rose with her near death experience. Vice with... well all that happens. She sees a mutant pig, they kill it and the first thought is "Hmm bacon". Sorry I do not buy that one.
Besides that are there almost no words about the scenery, or any words that explains how thinks look. You have the perfect picture in your head as the writer, but as a reader is it hard to make anything out of it when there is so long between the descriptions. I have read a quite a lot of Fo:E now, and are pre-reading or helping in other ways on a little handful, so I should know the Wasteland, but I get nothing from this. The wall is made of scrap yes. But what kind? Is it big pieces of rusty metal, is it concrete torn out of a bridge with reinforcing bars stabbing out of it, or is it just made of waste. Thrown there over the years that the village have been there?
The Changelings of Fo:E need some love (pun intended), there isn´t many stories out there with them. And I am not attacking this one in any way. All the time that I have used to write this is to show you where you can do better. For if this is the quality through the whole story is it a little sad. For the Changelings need a place in Fo:E like all the others
Also, try to break the text up some more. Like I do here between each point in my comment, for it would really help us readers to read it
Actual mistakes in the story.
You have used the word stories instead of storeys when you wrote about the giant room.
" Diamond gems" is not a real word, are you sure that you didn´t wanted to use the word gemstones?
You used the word "hand" somewhere in the test, they are ponies so use hoof
What is the "Badlands" you mention? Didn´t you mean Wasteland?
"I licked my lips, remembering the delicious taste of bacon" Sory did you not say that she havn't tasted food before? And since when is a Changeling carnivore?