There was a distinct knock on the door that could be nopony else's other than Twilight Sparkle's.
Celestia paced her room. What if the elements of harmony didn't believe her? It was extremely probable. It would be so awkward. Celestia glanced at the calendar. Worse, what if they spread the rumor before she could stop them? What she was about to tell them was going to ruin her reputation forever, if necessary precautions were not taken. Hopefully, all was in order. Celestia took a deep breath.
Earlier that day
It was dark overhead, the weather seemed ill suited for the day. Rainbow Dash faced many protests from the citizens of Ponyville. Many clever colts tried to get on her "good side", and some fillies did too. However, it was all to no avail. For little did they know, Rainbow Dash was a little more informed about Celestia's secret. She didn't know what it was, exactly, but she knew enough to keep the skies dark. Celestia wanted it to be dark for the tone of her secret.
Luna knew the secret. She thought Celestia was being irrational, but the elder alicorn refused to listen.
"All these so called precations you take are ridiculous! It's not going to get out. Even if it does, do you not have magic on your side? You could brainwash everypony! Really Celest-"
"Luna! Stick to my plan. You must be outside the doors. If you aren't, the whole thing could fail. The things everypony would think!"
"CELESTIA! Listen! You can trust the elements of harmony! For that is what they are. Do they not represent trust?"
"Luna, there is no element of trust! We cannot be unprepared!" Celestia continued pacing. A slight depression in the ground was forming.
"Sister. Really think about it! They are the most reliable ponies in Equestria! You cannot go on this way. I will stop you from doing this if you don't listen!"
"I must be prepared." Celestia started repeating this to herself in a mumble, and everything else Luna said went in one ear and out the other. Luna sighed. She knew Celestia would most likely overreact if she tried to stop her, so she decided to just go occupy herself. Maybe try making a kite again. Or take a nap.
Yeah, a nap sounded good.
~*Ponyville*~
Spike burped, and in a flash of green, a message from Celestia appeared before Twilight.
Dear Twilight Sparkle,
I have very important things to discuss with you and your friends. While everypony else is preoccupied because of the day, you will meet me as soon as possible.
Gather your friends and board a train for Canterlot as soon as possible. Do not bring Spike.
This is confidential buisness. I expect that nopony will hear of the events that will go on in this room will not be repeated outside. I trust you, my faithful student.
Princess Celestia
"Aww, man. Why can't I come? That sounds suspicious anyway." Spike moaned.
"Hush, Spike. This is important business. I'll get my friends right away."
Rarity was making plans when suddenly the doorbell rang. I hope it's not another ding dong ditch,
Rarity wearily thought. It wouldn't be the first. She opened the door.
"Rarity! I have important news. Come with me."
"What news, darling?"
"Celestia says that there is an important thing she has to tell us and that we have to go to Canterlot now. Like, stat."
"Uh, okay? Sounds rather odd. Are you sure? I-"
"She's our princess. I have complete faith in her."
Rarity uneasily followed.
The other elements had similar reactions to Rarity's, except for Fluttershy.
Instead, Fluttershy hid in her cottage and refused to come to the door. Through a large set of speakers, a recorded message blasted. "THIS HAD BETTER NOT BE A DING-DONG DITCH!!!!!!!! IF YOU HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO, GO SIT IN A PIT AND THINK ABOUT YOUR ACTIONS, YOU HEARTLESS PONY!!! If you aren't ding-dong ditching, please pull the rope." A previously unnoticed rope waited patiently to be pulled on. Twilight yanked on it.
Slowly, the door creaked open. "Hello? Oh hi, Twilight. What's going on? Is this a prank call? Where's Rainbow Dash? Have you done something to her?" Fluttershy got more and more nervous.
"Relax! We just came to tell you that Celestia wants us in Canterlot as soon as possible. It's a secret, apparently, and very important."
"Secret? Today, so suddenly? Doesn't seem realistic. I think it's a setup." Fluttershy did not move from the dorrway. Twilight grabbed her mane and started pulling.
Twilight was getting frazzled. "Yes, princess Celestia wants us there TODAY. We need you to get Rainbow. She's at home and none of us can go up there." She grunted through her full mouth.
"Oh. Okay." Fluttershy did not look convinced.
At Rainbow's house, Fluttershy flew up to the cloud house and then their view was obscured. Suddenly, a yell, a scream, and a clattering sound could be heard.
"Fluttershy!" The four friends cried.
"Hey, Fluttershy!" Rainbow Dash said.
Everpony heaved a sigh of relief.
"Rainbow! Uh, Celestia wants us in Canterlot as soon as possible! She says it's important."
"Okay. Let me just have a sec. Fluttershy! Unlock your wings!"
"I can't! I can't!"
"Let me-"
"No! Don't touch me there! There, see! Now they're moving again. You of all ponies should know my wings lock shut when I'm scared."
"Oh yeah, I knew that. Fluttershy, what are you stalling for? Let's go already! Sheesh, sometimes you're so slow."
On the train, everypony stayed silent. Twilight was upset. The whole train ride, troubling thoughts haggled her. Why didn't her friends believe her? Celestia could be trusted. Right? Or could she? After all, she had kept this secret a secret... Didn't she trust Twilight? Of course, she was telling her now. Better late than never. Right? Right?
Exactly four hours after the letter arrived, Celestia heard a distinctive knock on the door that could be none other than Twilight Sparkle's.
Celestia forced herself to act natural. "Hi girls! Guards, you are dismissed." The guards walked away.
"Come in, girls." The throne room was as awe inspiring as ever. The friends stopped to admire the newest window designs, and the many more windows, still closed, telling of things yet to come. Celestia's voice snapped them out of it.
"As you know, I have summoned you for a very important reason. It is of utmost importance that what you hear in this room, stays in this room. Understand?"
Twilight nodded the most enthusiastically.
"Is Luna here? Does she know your secret?" Pinkie asked. Everypony shot her a warning glance.
"She is taking a nap, but she knows, yes. Okay then, short and straightforward. My secret is that..."
Celestia took a deep breath.
Curse you cliffhanger !!!!!
Anyways good story.
i freakin hate you
I am sorry, but this was a bit of a lame attempt at a chapter. The cliff hanger did not, in my opinion, draw us in as nothing has been accomplished beforehand. You just wasted a bunch of time having twilight gather everypony up. These were needless details designed to inflate the chapter without actually adding anything to it. I am not even interested enough to track this.
To add constructively to the Kalmeira's statement, readers are looking for tension in the buildup. Even if you don't establish what's at stake, there needs to be a conveyed uneasiness in the characters reacting to this possible knowledge bomb Celestia may or may not be dropping on them. As the readers, we need to feel like something disastrous could happen to our heroes, even if the consequences aren't fully realized or explained yet.
For future reference, a more enganging cliffhanger would be an ending in which Celestia is about to speak on it, but Luna walks in the room so Celestia shuts up. Then cue scene after Twilight or somepony else reacts. We are already curious about the secret, so we need something new to hook us like wondering why Luna mustn't know, etc.
Another example cliffhanger could be a similar interruption, but instead antagonist(s) appear and try to stop Celestia from telling the secret. On a final note, since the story is called "Celestia's Secret," it should remain secret for a while (even if only secret to some of the cast but the reader knows). Presumably the story is about the secret, which becomes invalid if we learn what's up in your next chapter.
This will gladly explain it
badassbookreviews.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/not-another-cliffhanger.jpg
The tone of Celly's letter is a little unusual, I feel like. Honestly she usually reveals less. She's the ruler of all the land and when she summons Twilight she comes. It would actually be stupid to reveal that there's some big royal secret going on in a written comminuqué -- imagine if it fell into the wrong hooves. I'd expect something more like "Dear Twilight. It is urgent that you come to Canterlot along with your friends. This related directly to today's skies being left darkened. Enclosed are the tickets to catch the next available train here. Please leave Spike to attend the library for you. I trust that you will leave nopon alarmed until we have spoken directly. -Princess Celestia" This conveys essentially all the same important points for Twilight to act on without being as forceful or just generally paranoid-sounding (not to mention blackmail-able if somepon else got it).
"Sounds rather sketchy." from Rarity is a bit too slang-y for her.
Other than that, characterization is faithful and the strokes of humor and recurring jokes you've chosen are spot-on. I just wanted to nitpick a little because it's usually helpful. I'm actually biased in favor of this story because I think "Celestia's mistakes" is a very strong vein still to be tapped by our authors. I like this and am following because of it.
Previous commenters suggested using some (rather major) clichés in order to execute your cliffhang but I think you did fine. First chapters are often just stubs and it's dumb to use wicked numbers of literary devices right off the bat because then you'll get TL;DR'd and then there's no point atall.
Seems promising... Following.
Thanks for criticism. As for Kaimeira, I completely agree :/ The story had to be at least 1000 words so I admit, I inflated it. If, however, you skim past that, I hope it's not too bad overall? Sorry for that. I'll try to revise it, so please don't lose faith in me! My mind is not in its best state at 11 (I'm not one of them college students if you're wondering. My bedtime is usually 10)
John H
That makes sense. I'll try my best. As for the last part, it's meant to be just a short story. The cliffhanger is because I'm evil. Also, Luna can't walk in for reasons.
1508952
Thanks! I be have the excuse- Celestia is really nervous, and she tries to write normally, resulting in the opposite. If that's not good enough for you, is it okay if I use what you wrote?
Sorry for triple post, but do you guys think I overdid it?
1511164 I didn't write anything... Did you mean tyo reply to askireet?
1511260
oops yeah