The day has come for Celestia to reveal her great secret. Yet she cannot bear to tell the public. The mane 6, the ponies she trust most, are the first ones to hear her secret.
All of this while Luna is asleep.
Chapters (2)
Yummiponi4567
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Curse you cliffhanger !!!!!
Anyways good story.
i freakin hate you
I am sorry, but this was a bit of a lame attempt at a chapter. The cliff hanger did not, in my opinion, draw us in as nothing has been accomplished beforehand. You just wasted a bunch of time having twilight gather everypony up. These were needless details designed to inflate the chapter without actually adding anything to it. I am not even interested enough to track this.
To add constructively to the Kalmeira's statement, readers are looking for tension in the buildup. Even if you don't establish what's at stake, there needs to be a conveyed uneasiness in the characters reacting to this possible knowledge bomb Celestia may or may not be dropping on them. As the readers, we need to feel like something disastrous could happen to our heroes, even if the consequences aren't fully realized or explained yet.
For future reference, a more enganging cliffhanger would be an ending in which Celestia is about to speak on it, but Luna walks in the room so Celestia shuts up. Then cue scene after Twilight or somepony else reacts. We are already curious about the secret, so we need something new to hook us like wondering why Luna mustn't know, etc.
Another example cliffhanger could be a similar interruption, but instead antagonist(s) appear and try to stop Celestia from telling the secret. On a final note, since the story is called "Celestia's Secret," it should remain secret for a while (even if only secret to some of the cast but the reader knows). Presumably the story is about the secret, which becomes invalid if we learn what's up in your next chapter.
This will gladly explain it
badassbookreviews.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/not-another-cliffhanger.jpg
The tone of Celly's letter is a little unusual, I feel like. Honestly she usually reveals less. She's the ruler of all the land and when she summons Twilight she comes. It would actually be stupid to reveal that there's some big royal secret going on in a written comminuqué -- imagine if it fell into the wrong hooves. I'd expect something more like "Dear Twilight. It is urgent that you come to Canterlot along with your friends. This related directly to today's skies being left darkened. Enclosed are the tickets to catch the next available train here. Please leave Spike to attend the library for you. I trust that you will leave nopon alarmed until we have spoken directly. -Princess Celestia" This conveys essentially all the same important points for Twilight to act on without being as forceful or just generally paranoid-sounding (not to mention blackmail-able if somepon else got it).
"Sounds rather sketchy." from Rarity is a bit too slang-y for her.
Other than that, characterization is faithful and the strokes of humor and recurring jokes you've chosen are spot-on. I just wanted to nitpick a little because it's usually helpful. I'm actually biased in favor of this story because I think "Celestia's mistakes" is a very strong vein still to be tapped by our authors. I like this and am following because of it.
Previous commenters suggested using some (rather major) clichés in order to execute your cliffhang but I think you did fine. First chapters are often just stubs and it's dumb to use wicked numbers of literary devices right off the bat because then you'll get TL;DR'd and then there's no point atall.
Seems promising... Following.
Thanks for criticism. As for Kaimeira, I completely agree :/ The story had to be at least 1000 words so I admit, I inflated it. If, however, you skim past that, I hope it's not too bad overall? Sorry for that. I'll try to revise it, so please don't lose faith in me! My mind is not in its best state at 11 (I'm not one of them college students if you're wondering. My bedtime is usually 10)
John H
That makes sense. I'll try my best. As for the last part, it's meant to be just a short story. The cliffhanger is because I'm evil. Also, Luna can't walk in for reasons.
1508952
Thanks! I be have the excuse- Celestia is really nervous, and she tries to write normally, resulting in the opposite. If that's not good enough for you, is it okay if I use what you wrote?
Sorry for triple post, but do you guys think I overdid it?
1511164 I didn't write anything... Did you mean tyo reply to askireet?
1511260
oops yeah
1517266 Well, I've gotta admit...
that was rather anti-climactic... sorry.
Now that I've read this, how do I take this off my "read later" list.
Seriously I thought that troll fics were outlawed!
Meh, it was... Decent. I'm not a fan of trollfics, but it was fairly well written.
"Pffft! You don't fool me Princess! Horses are about as real as humans!"
"Actually, I was meaning to talk about that too, but since you put it that way... Megan, could you come out, please?"
"WHAT THE HAY IS THAT?!?"
"Goodness! It hasn't got any fur! And it walks on two legs!"
"Hi! I'm Megan, I was Celestia and Luna's foalsitter way back when!"
lol
I didn't mean for it to be a trollfic when i started, but that is what it became.
Just asking, does anyone want to see a somewhat more serious story that is like this? As in, Celestia summons twilight with a pressing matter and everyone is taken aback.