The First Chapter
Of Geldings and Gems
She was darn proud, the filly, staring at the inside of her eyelids, a smug-ish grin on her mug, standing still and silently, waiting for my signal. Having the position I have, this scene wasn't anything new to me. Quite the contrary, actually.
Sending my favourite nerd's reports to Celestia had become less frequent since some incident - which I'm sure you've all heard of - occured in town, so it was pretty cool, right? But on the other hand, said reports now weren't always written by Twilight Sparkle, my mother-sister-friend, beloved just as much as adopted by yours truly.
In all sincerity, I couldn't help but think that Celestia the First most likely still paid much more attention to whatever her most faithful student had to say than her friends, for reasons which may or may not have nothing to do with lesbianism, but it sure was nice of her to let everypony write reports. It almost felt like we were all doing something important.
Anyway,
Ready for the flow of words and sentences that was awaiting me, holding on a solid yet deeply attractive stance, parchment in my right hand, quill in my left, I nodded slightly to the pony in my company, in a silent signification of aforementionned readyness. Or maybe parchment in my left hand and quill in my right, don't remember. Such is the terrible curse of ambidexterity : barely 200 words in and I'm already bothering you with digressions.
"Spike, take note, please." she started, causing several variations of bitch-what-did-you-think-I-was-gonna-do to cross my mind. I reduced the distance between the quill and the parchment, and proceeded to transcribe the mare's sentences as soon as they encountered the hair cells of my auditory system.
Dear Princess Celestia,
Blah blah blah, blablah friendship, blah blah magic yadda yadda yadda.
Friends blah blah blah blah magic magic lala la blah blah ding ding share blah blah blah, magic is friendship.
Your faithful student,
Rainbow Dash.
As soon as I did not hear the post-scriptum I was expecting, I took my eyes off of the letter to look at my dictatress - no, not Celestia, but good guess, though. Waiting for her to ask me about how amazing that was would have been pointless, since the look in her eyes said it all. So I replied right away.
"I... I'm not really sure about it, wouldn't it be funnier if we wrote it more like a real one?"
"What do you mean?" she asked.
"Well, this letter is just utter nonsense with some actual words here and there. I think it'd be funnier if we sent a letter that said something like, I dunno..." I scratched my chin, trying to come up with a joke as quickly as possible. "Something like 'Dear Princess Celestia, today I have learned that if a very good friend wants you to roleplay, it's better to use a safeword.'"
"Oh, you silly Spikey, it wouldn't be funny it we actually sent her a real friendship report now, would it? That's what's a prank is about!" She paused. "Beside, I'm sure she already knows this, everypony does!"
Most ponies never ever get used to the Pink Ie Pie, even those who already lived in Ponyville back when she moved here, but being one of her close friends, I think I'm doing pretty well. And if you want a proof of this : the confused expression that appeared on my face only stood there for half a second before I calmly agreed.
Pretty good, eh?
So, I rolled the fake letter and breathed in, preparing myself to send it all the way to Canterlot, giving Pinkamena a last glance, in case she wanted to object anything. She didn't.
Poof!
"It's on its way, the Princess should answer pretty soon" I informed the party animal, a grin on my face. It could have been way better, but it still was a relatively amusing prank, I had to admit.
"Ohmigosh-this-is-gonna-be-so-fun-I-can't-wait-to-see-what-she's-gonna-answer-what-do-you-think-she'll-say-maybe-she's-gonna-get-a-bit-angry-oh-no-she-wouldn't-she's-the-Princess-she's-got-some-humor-but-I-can't-WAIT-to-see-Rainbow's-face-what-about-you?" exclamed the pink pony in her usual never-more-than-one-breath fashion. She didn't wait for an answer before adding: "Are you sure you will remember what her actual letter was?"
"Yeah, yeah, don't worry about that" I ensured. "It was something about having a different opinion from a friend's. You see, she kinda got in a fight with Fluttershy about whatever, I don't remember that well. I'm sure she will be able to remember the whole thing, though."
Or at least I hoped, because while I was able to breath a fire that didn't send anything to Queen Tyrannestia, it contented itself of burning what it touched. Which wasn't bad at all really, I'm sure you will all agree, but combusted letters tend to be harder to read. Go figure.
However, this regular fire did give me the ability to pretend sending Rainbow Brash's latest report in the Magic of Friends-Shipping, while actually destroying it, right under her stupid little muzzle, and to her ignorance. Which was just about perfect for our preferred pink party pony's plans for a prank.
(Brought to you by the letter "P")
Upon my statement, the curly-maned mare stopped (stopped what? I don't know, she just "stopped") as if to fully integrate the information into her tiny brain, and allowed herself to let go of the laugh she was supressing.
Quite frankly, nothing about the situation was much more than amusing, but Pinkie's giggles were known to be more contagious than herpes, and soon we found ourselves both rolling on the grass, shaking in hilarity, like the idiots we were.
Good times indeed.
--------------------------------------------
Cold.
She didn't open her eyes yet, but she did realize she wasn't sleeping anymore.
She was feeling a bit cold, though. Not enough that it would be uncomfortable, of course, but enough so that she would notice. She had always liked this particular temperature, actually, just as cool as a perfect spring day. Still relaxing, but not too much. Perfect.
Nothing to worry about, so she pushed this detail on the back of her mind, as far, far away as she could..
There was a noise, too. Permanent and rather distant, but not annoying one bit. Calming, relaxing.
Soothing.
Now, the ground. It wasn't hard, but not too soft either. She couldn't quite determine what it was until she moved one of her hooves a bit, and was able to sense the long and thin protuberances that emerged from it:
Grass.
She liked it, it felt nice laying on, in the state she was currently in.
After a short time of reflexion, she realized that, while she wasn't feeling particularly tired, she didn't really want to do anything. Why? She couldn't tell. It was as if she had never felt this relaxed in her entire life. It was certainly strange that she didn't even know why she was in such a euphoric state, but it didn't matter. Nothing did.
While it did not put her anywhere near a state of panic, the feeling that something was wrong did progressively grow more and more important, though, up to a point where she couldn't ignore it.
Something wasn't right.
This conclusion appeared to her as rather funny. Ponies panick so much whenever they are put in a situation they don't know, or understand, but why should she? If anything, she found it amusing and quite exciting.
She waited for a while, enjoying her own amusement, until curiosity got the best of her.
She opened her eyes.
Light.
---------------------------------------------
"Oh, there you are, Spike, haven't seen you since this morning. How was your day?"
"Great" I replied, a big dumb smile on my face, closing the door behind me. "Just walked a bit around town, and then Rainbow Dash flew to me, like swoosh, super fast - I think she really was just trying to show off, but it worked pretty well, I guess. Anyway, she told me she wanted me to write a letter for Celestia, so I did."
"Ooh, what was is about?" asked Twilight, sounding interested but not raising her eyes to look at me, still reading whatever book she had happened to find today.
"It was just a short letter about..." I thought for a short time, trying to remembeer. "About not bothering a friend with their opinion, and not needing to always agree with them to be able to appreciate somepony."
"Sounds like a pretty good lesson to me. Did Celestia answer yet?"
"Erm, actually" I started, suppressing a laugh, "I didn't send the letter, I just burned it."
"What?" exclamed the purple unicorn, turning her head from her book to me for the first time. "I... why?"
"Pinkie Pie had told me she wanted to prank somepony" I explained. "She'd asked me if next time somepony writes a letter to the Princess, I could pretend to send it, and then tell her so that she could write a fake letter."
She gave me one of her you-can't-be-serious looks, but these had stopped working long ago on me. Nice try, you devil!
"Come on, it was hi-la-rious" I continued. "We just wrote complete nonsense on it, it looked like Rainbow Dash was actually making fun of the Princess. You should have seen her face when...." I wasn't even trying to stop chuckling now. "when we got Celestia's answer!"
"What did it say?"
"She must have thought it was some kind of joke, but from Rainbow" I answered. "So she went along with it and wrote that she would not accept this kind of attitude, that she had banished and turned ponies into stone for less than thi-"
"WHAT?" exclamed the purple nerd, her expression changing to one of pure shock. "The... the PRINCESS sent that?"
"Don't worry, she added a post-scriptum, thanking Rainbow Dash for lightening her day up a bit, since she received the letter right in the middle of some paperwork." I paused for a second. "I didn't read that part to Dash at first, obviously."
"Oh, Spike..." she sighed, disapprovingly.
I swear, all the time. All the freaking time. Make a nice breakfast for her? "Oh, Spike!", she said, smiling. Fall of a ladder and break your leg? "Oh, Spike!" she exclamed, worried. Tell her a story that happens to involve her favourite Princess having an actual sense of humor? "Oh, Spike..." she sighed, disapprovingly.
Twilight's reactions were getting more and more predictable these days, it was quite funny and annoying at the same time.
Mentionning the Princess always resulted in awkward conversations anyway, so I wasn't surprised. When she wasn't trying to make you understand how intelligent, tolerant, beautiful and well-flanked Molestia was, Twi would tell you about her incredible power, severeness, and the horrible punishements that were awaiting the unlucky soul who would dare to offend her in any way.
Anypony who's spend more than 10 minutes in her company would understand that the Alicorn would obviously never be able to do anything to a pony that doesn't fully deserve it, and that she was generally speaking a rather light-hearted pony.
But it would seem that ponykind is made up of complete retards, and therefore as a whole doesn't have much more intelligence than a dead oyster.
It's a well known fact : the IQ of a group is the average IQ divided by the number of ponies in it.
And let me tell you, is sure does show whenever one of these sweet hooved idiots is put in Celestia's presence.
It is such an honor to see you, Princess. Let me bow before you, Princess. You have a bit of dirt under your hoof, Princess, may I lick it clean? No, it's no problem, I only want to help you, Princess. And survive. How do you want your tea, Princess. Need more cupcakes? Some muffins? More tea? My tongue or my daughter's? Sugar for you tea? Anything else I can help you with, Princess? Your what? Sister? What sister? Didn't you banish that bitch to the Moon? No? Oh.
I don't think they were actually scared of her, really. There wouldn't be any reason to, really, but... it seems that's what they want. Celestia is a nice ruler, yeah, sure, but what the ponies really want is something else. An emperor. A dictatress. A tyran.
Tyranestia!
Now THAT would be epic, Tyranestia, wouldn't it? Just look at the number of opponents to the Power she crushes under her hooves on a daily basis, she must surely care a lot about our beyootiful country!
Always successfully leading our army to invade the dragons, griffons, and any creature's land to make it our own, burning their children, raping their churches and enroling their wifes forcefully in our army, yes! Magnificent, your honor! That's what I call ruling a country!
What is that? A squad of pegasi suicide bombers, are attacking our beloved blood-thirsty Governestia? No problem, no problem at all! A flash of light, an explosion, and everything is fine.
They're dead! All of them! She killed them!
A single spell from the phallic symbol that proudly stood on her forehead, and 30 infidels are now things of the past. And our living God, the Great And Powerful Celestia, still stands, gloriously, not affected the least by such an insignificant and usual incident. Already the fourth time today, actually. Time for a tea break.
Bravo, possesser of our souls! Bravo, almighty head of our broken state, ensuring the limitation of our freedom and privacy every chance she has! Bravissimo, thou cruel dictatress! Encore, encore!
Yeah, I can definitively picture this.
Celestia cannot even begin to compare to that, can she? When was the last time she single-handedly stopped a suicide mission directed toward herself, after all?
I'll tell you when, my good friend : never, that's when.
That's what I call a real Princess: one that deals with danger, murders, permanent violence and fear. Not one that contents herself of sitting with modesty in a perfectly peaceful and happy country.
That IS what they're for, right? What's the point of letting somepony rule you if you can't even hate them?
I remained convinced that's the reason nopony was complaining that much when that Discord guy broke free: they liked it. Chaos, disharmony, dictature, fear. Much more entertaining.
Anyway, I looked over to my own master - oh, so many ponies would envy me for having my own personal dictatress, wouldn't they? - and kept on telling my anecdote, unaffected by her expression.
"Oh come on, Twilight, you should have seen Rainbow's face, it was priceless! She was, like, already seeing herself banished to some horrible place, her whole life ruined." I recalled with a smile Pinkie and I's hilarity upon the appropriatively named rainbow-haired pony's reaction. "Really, it was the funniest thing ever, even Dash found it funny when we explained the whole thing to her!".
"Yeah, I'm sure she did." mechanically answered Spirlight Twarkle, whose interest I had already lost.
I was going to tell her about how she should try to get that broom stick out of whatever orifice she had somehow managed to stick in into, years ago - or to put it simply, lighten up - and remind her that her beloved Princelestia actually had quite the sense of humor, et caetera, but she didn't give me the time to do so, as she started speaking again:
"Anyway, Spike, I've found a very rare book about some old kinds of magic today, I've read it a bit there are some pretty interesting researches in there, which I'd like to continue. Do you mind helping me out with that? I'd like to work a bit on the practical side, but it's gonna be a bit hard on my own"
I sighed dramatically, and reluctantly walked over to the mare to assist her, as if fullfilling her wishes was my only purpose in life.
(Implying it's not)
You know her, it's as if her whole life revolved around learning news stuff, every single day. You'd think a unicorn than can teleport her own body from one place to another, without losing an eye or a lung on the way, would consider herself talented enough, but no, let's make more of ze magicks.
What is that? A spell to turn stones into hats? I want! What about this one? Horn enlargement? Do want! And this one? Mind control? Yes, yes, yes!
I swear, it's only a matter of time until she learns how to grow multiple dongs on various part of a pony's anatomy.
She's just this talented, Twilight, and never happy. Always trying to do best than what she already can. It's the kind of attitude you'd expect more from a pony like Rainbow Dash, actually. Can be perfectly annoying at times, but overall, it's pretty admirable. And rather cool.
It also happens to entertain both of us for rather long periods of time, and that's often fortunate, actually.
Now don't get me wrong, Ponyville is a great town, of course, lots of nice ponies - and mostly mares, nudge nudge wink wink - and the monster of the week (or any form of potential disaster) is always great fun, but sometimes there isn't much to do.
When Rarity is too hysteric about her dress orders to be able to accept any form of help without slicing your throat, when Applejack is busy with her farm trying to become an apple or something, when Fluttershy is beating the crap out of a bear, Pinkie Pie being Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash training or taking her daily nap, all you ask for is a bit of entertainment, really.
And quite unfortunately, most days seemed to be like that. Well, unfortunately, I guess that's the way everypony is happier, so I'm fine with it, but you get my point.
In these moments, having somepony ask you for assistance can actually be quite a blessing.
Only problem was that today, I actually felt like doing nothing. I was already seeing myself take a nice, loooong bubble bath and go to sleep like the useless brat I love to be, but Twi didn't want it that way, so it seemed.
And of course, our destiny wasn't going to let me have some rest either, but you'll find about that later. Don't want me to spoil the story this soon, do you?
On a related note, I'm not sure whether or not I am supposed to be looking forward to the day when Ponyville will be walking around with their bodies covered in male genitals, but heck,
I sure am.
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Discription amuses me. Will read.
Okay totally tracking. Got a good laugh out of this one looking forward to more.
LOL male genetals
This is one of the better comedy stories.
Glad to finally see one out of Spike's perspective.
Oh, Spike!
Excellent
following this
This was, without a doubt, one of the funniest Spike fics I have ever read. Looking into his mind, only to find layers upon layers of VERY different thought processes than we might expect is always fun and throughout the whole thing your writing style kept it from becoming stale or boring even for a second. There are some occasional hitches here and there, but nothing overly jarring. Perhaps the only bigger error I've found was with this line:
"thanking Rainbow Dash for enlightening her day a bit"
I know what you meant by that, but "enlighten" is not the word to use there, as it has a different meaning. You're looking for the expression "lighten up".
Either way though, the rest is very nicely done and pretty humorous throughout. You have a nice grasp on how to create a continuous flow of amusing sentences, not necessarily laugh-out-loud funny(though some indeed are, like the bit about IQs), but enough to force a perma-smile on the reader. I'd love to see more of your work, as this has been a very good first impression! Nicely done!
good old cynicist shit
loving it
Tracked
Wow this is is Hilarious.
54292
Well, thank you very much for this well-detailled comment, the best kind of comments. I am really glad to learn that you have enjoyed my story, and even laughed at it!
I've got to admit the enlighten/lighten up mistake went totally unnoticed, even though I did proof-read this chapter quite a bit. It's fixed now, thanks a lot for telling me!
More will come later, you can be sure about that!
>Of Geldings And Gems
>Geldings
Good so far, but the title scares the crap outta me.