Catching the Sun
Applejack’s home had three floors, though her dad once joked it was more like two and a half. What had begun life as an attic grew over a wealthy century to a maze of nooks, closets, and bedrooms, with three different trap doors leading up to them and no walkways between. Crawl spaces and broken walls formed a jungle gym in Applejack’s younger years, where her and Rainbow Dash made their first childish adventures among the old cradles and chests. There was a time when four generations made their home in that house, and all of them left stories behind.
Applejack frowned upwards into the darkened hole above her bed. A spare bedroom up there, like a half-dozen others in the old house. There weren’t four generations here anymore. Just two.
...Only one, soon enough.
She pushed down the thought, calling out to the darkness. “You got enough room up there?”
A girl’s voice answered, wobbling with hidden fear. “I’m fine.”
Applejack shrugged from her prone position. “Just call if you need more blankets, Sunset.”
Mention of the girl’s name brought a wry smile. If that voice had come ten days earlier, Applejack would have grabbed the shotgun and called it defense. Funny old world.
The trap door between them broke five years ago. Mac had offered to fix it, but Applejack adopted the space as her own. She didn’t need more storage, and the slanting roof left room for little else. A narrow bed remained, though, left over from a boarder in Granny’s youth. A window at its head offered a fine view of the orchard, and Applejack fixed the place up into her own tiny guest room. She figured the “coolness” of it would tickle Rainbow pink at their next sleepover.
A couple other things figured into it, too. Twelve year-old Applejack had crushed hard for her childhood friend, and snuggling up to watch the sunrise from that window seemed the perfect thing to share. Shyness and shame stalled the confession, and then a few forged texts murdered crush and friendship all in one go.
Applejack grimaced. One bad thought led directly to another. The brain was noisy tonight. She shuffled, trying to get sleepy, but the body was no more comfortable. The awkward autumn temperature left her sweating in her blanket, but shivering without. Her heavy pajama top scratched her wrists, and the mismatched sweatpants seemed to cook everything but her chilly feet. She rolled, trying to find a sweet spot, then rolled again.
The third roll drew a humorless chuckle from above. Applejack looked up through the trap door as Sunset’s voice emerged. “Sorry. It must be hard to sleep with Sunset Shitter so close.”
“You’re fine,” Applejack offered.
Sunset gave an angry snort. “No, I’m not. I broke you guys up, I blackmailed, bullied, lied...”
“Water under the bridge,” Applejack said.
“Applejack, I tried to kill you.”
“Water under the bridge.” It came out a little more forcefully that time. Applejack watched a few red hairs trickle down as Sunset leaned towards the hole. Moonlit darkness cast both their faces in shadow, though Applejack could see the shine off green eyes watching her.
“But that’s why I’m here, right?” Sunset pressed forward. “In this bedroom in particular. So you can keep an eye on me.”
Yes, but not in the way Sunset thought. The big house had plenty of guns, blades, and pills a newly homeless girl might find entirely too interesting.
No reason to tell. “You looked like you needed to talk.”
“It’s a school night.”
“Don’t care,” Applejack shrugged. “Talk to me. What’s eating you?”
Sunset’s voice rose to a whispered shout. “Oh, I don’t know. Everything!?”
A twitch of a smile graced Applejack’s face. Just like talking things through with Applebloom. “Everything’s a big place, sugar. Where do we start?”
“That’s the catch,” Sunset said. “I have nowhere to start from. Everything that I used to be is up in smoke. That’s okay because everything I used to be is garbage, but it’s all I had.”
“You got new things,” Applejack tried.
The try failed. “What? ‘Friendship?’ Be real, Applejack. I know you guys are trying to be nice, and I appreciate it. But friendship is different. I can’t have what you guys have.”
“Why not?”
“Because friendship needs trust. And there is no way, no how you guys are ever going to trust me after all I put you though.”
“Who told you that?”
Silence. “Rarity, Pinkie… which one of them said that?”
“No one,” Sunset admitted.
“They’re giving the new Sunset a chance.” Applejack shrugged again. “Seems pretty reasonable to ask you do the same.”
“But there is no ‘new’ Sunset. It’s just me. It always was. The same Sunset who–”
Applejack cut her off before the next self-whipping began. “You could have fooled me. That rainbow thing… it’s like it flipped a switch in you. Night and day.”
“No switch.” The red hairs rustled as Sunset shook her head. “You know how they say your life flashes before your eyes when you die? That’s what I saw in the rainbow. I saw everything in those two seconds, and more. It was my life, but I was seeing it through others’ eyes. And I felt it from their side, too. I cried every tear, endured every slap. Felt my stomach twist as I was mocked in the hall. Then I reached the present and looked back, and you know what I saw?”
No choice. “What?”
The head retracted as Sunset pulled away. “Nothing else. Everyone I’d ever touched came off sadder and angrier for it. Not one single person left better for my being born.”
A joyless laugh followed from above. “That’s all there is to it. The Elements of Harmony didn’t rewrite my personality or anything. They just showed me loud and clear what a piece of shit person I am.”
“Was,” Applejack corrected.
“It’s not that easy.” A shuffle from above marked Sunset’s fidgeting. “I can’t just pretend that was someone else. If I deny it, I deny me! It is utter delusion to say I’m not her.”
Another laugh came, this one shrill as Sunset’s wobbling voice sped up. “Although... why not? I can live with a delusion. I’m in Shitter’s clothes, wearing her face, and that’s fine! I’m not her. She can go to hell where she belongs.”
“Sunset,” Applejack said, too softly to interrupt.
“That’s stupid. I am her. I’m the bitch who did all that. But I can’t be! I don’t feel like her. I don’t care about her. But what else can I be, other than Sunset Shitter? It’s like Schrodinger’s Cat – am I? Am I not? I don’t know. I’m lost. I don’t know who I am, what I am...”
“Sunset, get down here.”
It came out louder this time. Enough to break the tirade, and turn it to a mumble. “Sorry Applejack, I didn’t mean–”
“I said get down here.” Applejack sat up with the words. Chilly outside the blankets, but not in a bad way. She propped herself on the side of the bed and looked up expectantly.
Limply, almost as though it inherited Sunset’s fear, the rope ladder fell to its spot. A smudged pink slipper descended tentatively from the darkness, followed by the yellow girl in old pajamas. The ropes trembled with their burden as Sunset came down, step by step. Moonlight glinted off dry, sleepy eyes that only looked once to Applejack’s frown before turning away.
“Sorry,” Sunset said again. “I should leave.”
Applejack didn’t justify that with a response. Instead, she patted the side of her mattress. “C’mere.”
Sunset obeyed, perching on the worn sheets a good meter from her host.
She wasn’t getting off that easily. Applejack pushed her feet to the ground and got one solid scooch closer. Sunset made to pull away, but a strong peach arm reached around to her far shoulder and held her still. The initial flinch passed, and Sunset allowed herself to be pulled into a one-armed embrace.
Words came easily. Applejack wasn’t much of a speaker, but these were plain as day. “All that thinking, sugar, and you missed the obvious. You ain’t lost. You’re right here.”
Plain as day. “You ain’t that Shitter, neither. You’re Sunset.”
Sunset tried to make it hard, just like ‘Bloom used to. “Then I am that Shitter. That past, it’s me.”
“No it ain’t.”
This part was harder. Applejack looked to the moon, swearing for the umpteenth time its craters formed a broken skull.
No matter. “The past ain’t real. It’s gone. Dead. Over with. You ain’t the same person you were ten days or five minutes ago. Different cells, different air in the lungs, different experiences. Same goes for everyone. Ain’t no you in the world besides the you right here.”
Not even that, for very long.
No need to say that part. “You’ll be alright, Sunset. I’ll look out for you. I just need you to let me.”
Silence came from the other girl. But there was a tiny nod, and that was good enough for Applejack. She watched Sunset watch the wall, and felt the trembling breaths move from Sunset’s chest to hers. Felt the tremble grow stronger and saw the tears leak out as a choked voice asked, “Why?”
Sunset swallowed, replacing the choke with a sob. “Why are you being so nice to me? Don’t you remember what I did?”
Sophomore year, maybe six months after the gang broke up. Applejack never found out how Sunset learned her parents died. Two weeks, one funeral, and fifty hours of farm work later Applejack returned to school to find her own pity party in full swing. Miss Celestia gave her a tissue, saying Sunset had been nice enough to tell them all Applejack lost her mom and lover all in one night. The whole school went to give their condolences over MyStable, and they all saw the forged post: a mournful ‘Applejack’ saying she’d miss her dad, but at least Big Mac would keep her warm at night.
It was the end that hit her hardest. When they learned it was a prank, everyone seemed to forget about the dead parents. They laughed it off, and two days later no one would give her the time of day.
“Wish I could forget,” Applejack said honestly.
Rainbow tried to comfort her. It was the first time they’d spoken in six months. Said she was sorry it happened. Said it must’ve been extra tough because of how close the Apples were, and Applejack shoved her into a wall.
Should have done better. Should have been smart.
...No. Applejack had a lot on her mind that day. Couldn’t tell Sunset to forgive herself and not reserve the same courtesy.
“How can you not hate me?” Sunset asked in a hoarse whisper.
A half-truth answered. “I ain’t got that kind of time.”
I’m dying by the second.
A pause. Then, “Nothing says I have to like you, Sunset. Nothing says I have to trust you, either. Those things will come in their own time, if they have a time. Forgiveness, though, that’s different. There ain’t a thing in the world which can’t be forgiven. Same goes for people, and the things people do.”
Yellow fingers seemed blue in the moonlight as Sunset fidgeted with her hair. A soft “heh,” escaped her, somehow gentler than the dark chuckles before. She never returned the hug, but the blue fingers descended to cover Applejack’s grip.
“That’s a nice way of looking at it.” A smile was in the voice – weak, but real.
Applejack gave a light scoff. “It ain’t about ‘nice.’ Health and wellness, that’s all. Hanging on to the bad don’t do one lick of good, and plenty of harm.”
Forgiveness.
Applejack looked to the moon again, hiding the grim twist in her smile.
Forgive everything? A nice idea. One of Mom’s old lessons Applejack forgot in the two years she spent hating Sunset Shimmer to death. Never exactly forgave her either, just… hard to hate someone as sad as this.
Dad’s voice floated through her brain, reading Mark Twain to an eight year-old Applejack. “But who prays for Satan? Who ever thought to pray for the one sinner who needed it most, who most needed a friend and had not a single one?”
Hatred.
“I am the wrong person for this.”
Applejack half-voiced an excuse before realizing she had not spoken out loud. She breathed in and felt the gunk fly up her nose. Hadn’t noticed she was crying.
Forgiveness.
“It’s hard,” Applejack admitted, this time out loud. “Forgiving. Twice as hard for yourself. But – I don’t know – you just gotta. It’s for the best.”
She was faltering. Feeling like a liar for preaching what she didn’t do until this very second.
But the tremble was gone from Sunset’s breathing. She patted Applejack’s grip and stood, turning to face her with a thin and hopeful smile.
Applejack returned it – liar or no, she did good.
“Thanks.” The yellow fingers resumed their twisting of the hair. “That was good to hear, so… yeah. Thanks.”
“Anytime, sugar.” Applejack grinned, and grinned a little wider as she laid back down. “Hey, one more thing.”
“Yeah?”
A second’s pause, and Applejack extended her arms. “Six hours til we wake up. Let’s snuggle.”
Sunset’s blush could be seen in the moonlight, and her tone shifted to one of nervous diplomacy. “No! I mean I’m not… you know, I’m not like… I won’t...”
A free and honest laugh belted from Applejack’s throat. “Scale back, girl, the gay farmer ain’t looking to collect rent. Truth is, Applebloom used to beat herself up real bad too. She’d come to me, I’d talk her down, and we’d spend the night. Only seems fair you get the second part, too.”
The blush remained, though a snarky smile replaced the fear. “Can I call you, ‘Big Sis?’”
Applejack’s heart leaped upwards. Humor. Praise God, the girl would be okay.
She rolled with it. “If you like.”
Enough cuddly sleepovers with Rainbow Dash taught Applejack they weren’t awkward if no one made them so. Her embrace was firm and unromantic, and the two only shared a few embarrassed giggles before the late hour took its toll. Applejack didn’t even notice when Sunset’s breathing turned to gentle snores, nor when her own joined in.
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Beautiful.
Holy shit. I never knew I needed this until now, and now I need more of this.
Please continue!
Awesomeness. I'm in.
This is so powerful. The emotions felt real, and Applejack's forgiveness didn't come across as contrived.
Can't wait for more.
Yay, new Sunset fic from you! The period between EQ1 and 2 always interests me, especially the various interpretations for Sunset's rather drastic personality shift. Well, we saw her post-friendship laser at the end of the first movie, but I like the details of her integrating with the Humane Six.
This could work as a standalone fic too, if it weren't for the incomplete tag, and Applejack's various hints about something. Looking forward to more.
There it is!