Unicorn Interpreter: The Grand Design

by miss-cyan

A Business Lunch

Apparently, the unicorn who had hired me as her interpreter was kind of a “big deal”, even if she wasn’t a diplomat or royalty like most unicorns in the early days were. She didn’t pop over to Earth as much as the other business types I’d seen around the city, but when she did it was a big affair. She did her work and dealt with clients and fellow businesses most days, but she absolutely loved to take in the sights, shopping, etc. As a member of the pony social elite she needed an interpreter. And nowadays a job like that fell to someone like me.

The official title was Unicorn Interpreter, but most anybody seen side by side with a unicorn got a few knowing glances. Not in professional settings (most of the time), but out among the common populace it was kind of a mixed bag being known as a Professional Virgin.

It didn’t bother me any, but she seemed rather worried when she thought I might be the butt of some bad joke. She seemed convinced I was putting up a tough front. Sometimes it was hard to tell what parts of her personality were purely her and which parts came from the fact of being a unicorn. Were all ponies this empathetic or was I hired to interpret for the world’s most sentimental businessmare?

She came to Earth a few years after the whole thing got started, and once all the politics and such were settled, she was eager to get things moving on her end. The instructors in charge of the whole “virgin school” program you went through to be a licensed interpreter saw my application and offered to put me among the candidates. Back when mostly notable unicorns were coming over and they needed interpreters that could be trusted. In reality they just needed the virgins least likely to embarrass them in any way. It was very early on, before it became more of an independent job based on contracts and such. It was more of a “Hey this V.I.U. needs an interpreter and you need to pass a screening process to make sure you aren’t a crazy person and/or a threat to diplomacy between our worlds” kind of thing.

Meeting her in person for the first time was a bit intimidating at first.

---

---

I had been lead through a very classy hotel lobby to their very classy restaurant where I’d never thought I’d be able to even set foot in a million years. I wore some nice clothes, like I would’ve for any job interview, but I felt undeniably under dressed. I didn’t come from money and no job I’d had up until that point wouldn’t made enough to buy the kind of clothes anybody else at the hotel was wearing. Even the guy leading me in was wearing such a nice tailored suit I felt shoddy by comparison.

I was understandably nervous. I had skipped breakfast so lunch couldn’t come soon enough. I wasn’t sure how professional meals were supposed to be handled so I was trying to be on my best behavior. A few other unicorns were there, eating and chatting with unicorns and virgins alike. I didn’t spot her right away but the Maître d’ was talking with the guy who’d driven me there. I hoped we were on time and I hadn’t kept her waiting.

“Please, follow me miss. I’ll take you to your table.” He said with a smile and a fancy mustache. He did a very good job of putting me at ease and suddenly I felt a little less out of my element. He led me through a line of tables and we finally stopped at one near the window with the view, and there she was.

She looked a lot like her picture, save for a different outfit. She was dressed to the nines, a modified double-breasted suit dress type thing I wouldn’t even begin to know how to put together, red with a square neckline. A beautiful necklace with matching earrings (I wasn’t sure of them gem but they matched her eyes?) and a weird but lovely red hat/wrap thing with chiffon (or maybe tulle? I wasn’t sure of the difference.) bits on it. She looked up from a planner and smiled.

“Miss Harper! Oh, I’m so delighted to meet you finally.” She wore a bright smile and her voice was very posh and proper. She motioned to the other chair. “Please, sit.”

And I did, suddenly grateful that the table she picked was against the wall. Had she gotten one out in the open I would’ve felt exposed and nervous. Well, more nervous. My stomach was already in knots.

“It’s nice to meet you too, Miss Rarity.” I said, spreading the cloth napkin on my lap and doing my best at making eye contact. This was a high-profile gig, and I didn’t need her thinking I was some hopeless newbie who couldn’t handle the demands of the job.

“Can I start the ladies out with something to drink?” he asked, I was sure he didn’t usually wait the tables. Must come out for important guests he wanted to handle himself.

She motioned to me to order first. I fumbled, not knowing what I wanted or what they served.

“Um, just ice water for me please.” I would’ve ordered a soda had it seemed even the slightest bit appropriate.

“I’ll have a glass of carrot juice, or orange if you’re out. And bring us something light to nibble on if you’d be so kind, Monsieur.”

There was a pause. They were both looking at me.

…Oh! Oh, crap that’s me!

I repeated her order, word for word, recalling my classes. He jotted it down, giving his assurance he’d be back shortly.

“Well done! You passed the first test, my dear.” She clapped her hooves together, seeming quite pleased. “Granted, it was the only test. You were a teensy bit late on your cue but you picked up quite fast. Not bad at all!”

“Oh, thank you Miss Rarity.” I smiled back, hoping my nerves weren’t showing. “It won’t happen again.”

“Oh don’t be so stiff, dear. We’re working on this together.” She smoothed out the table cloth on her side. “I hope you don’t mind my ordering an appetizer. I’ve been out and about all morning and your file didn’t say anything about food allergies.”

“It’s fine.” I waved it off. “No food-related stuff to worry about for me. And I’m a bit hungry too.”

An understatement. I thought.

“To be honest, I was hoping to order a mimosa but I wasn’t sure about your thoughts on alcohol.” She looked a little embarrassed at that. “I made that mistake on my first interview, she was a recovering alcoholic and I didn’t find out until after we were done. I felt so awful for going on about how yummy it was!”

“That must’ve been rough.” I said before realizing how unprofessional it sounded. “Uh, I’m okay with it. I’m a bit of a lightweight though so I’d probably pass on it myself. At least not if I was gonna be driving.”

She chuckled a little, her horn lighting up. She flipped through some pages in her planner.

“So, Miss Harper. You were marked as a very likely candidate for my interpreter.” She was still kind, but her voice was a little more business-like. “Do you know why that is?”

“Because…you needed someone more…accessible? I think that was the word they used. They see me as very young and malleable, easy to influence and less likely to cause any trouble as your interpreter.” I tried to recall my teacher’s notes on me. “And you said you’d prefer a girl, if possible. I remember that.”

“Well, yes. But the thing that struck me as interesting was your original survey.”

I’d filled that out over a year ago, and for the life of me I couldn’t remember the questions on it.

“Dana Harper, age 23, female-yes all well and good. But this question here. “How long would you be willing to remain a virgin in order to maintain the position of an interpreter?” Do you remember what you wrote, dear?”

It was coming back to me, unfortunately.

“Uh…Something along the lines of…a long time?”

“Close.” She laughed. “Your words were, in fact: Forever, if I can help it.”

It was so informal in the first few rounds of admissions. I filled out things only half-believing I’d make it past the first round of questions. I must’ve turned as red as her dress.

“No need to be embarrassed dear!” she soothed, looking over my shoulder. “Oh but, do pull yourself together. The Maître d’ is on his way back.”

He was indeed. I calmed myself down and we took our drinks and one menu (I noticed), as well as “Toast with pea and asparagus puree”, which looked and tasted a lot better than it sounded. Little wedges of warm, crispy baguette with yummy green stuff and parmesan. Vegetarian, I also noticed (to no surprise). But I was seriously excited for lunch now.

He left us to decide on lunch and the mood got awkward again.

“As I was saying. I was interested after I saw that. For various reasons, but some…slightly selfish ones too, if you’ll indulge me for a moment.”

I nodded, wondering where this was going.

“My main business and personal obligations are back in Equestria. I don’t have the means to set up a more permanent holding on Earth, though it wasn’t impossible, mind you. My interpreter’s services would be much less frequently needed than some business ventures I’ve seen popping up here and there. But having somepony I can rely on is crucial. My visits to Earth would be twice a month for a three-day stretch. The weekends preferably but if things changed you’d know before then. If I needed to travel I’d need you by my side, but those occasions would be rare.”

“I need somepony around who can keep up and be professional yes, but when it comes down to it I need them to be dependable to be there the next time I come to Earth. And I don’t want to get in the way of…love or parenthood or any of those things for my own desires, nor do I want to suddenly lose somepony I need to be there because they sorted out their priorities, so to speak. And even the clergy and such here are only allowed to stay on a few years at a time!” She seemed very honest, but also frustrated.

“I’ve been told that unicorns and their interpreters can become very close. And the thought of saying goodbye to a dear friend every few years…to never be able to directly speak to them again afterwards…I could do it if need be but it sounds just dreadful! And keeping things strictly professional is doable too but it feels the same. Like we’d be two acquaintances just waiting out a clock…”

She seemed genuinely sad, like she might start crying if I thought she wouldn’t want her mascara running.

“Everypony I’ve talked to says the same thing. It’s just the way things are. And I was ready to take these circumstances like a grown mare. Then…I saw your file.”

She took a deep breath, looking me dead in the eye.

“I must ask dear…I can’t demand so much time of somepony who would have wishes to get married or have foals of their own. It would be too cruel. So, when I saw your file I thought you might be…just who I was looking for. If you were serious, that is.”

I let her words sink in. She was not the proper businesswoman I’d thought I’d be so intimidated by this morning. This was not someone who’d keep her distance and keep me on my toes, or use me like I was only a voice.

She was looking for an interpreter, but also a companion.

“I was serious.” I nodded, not quite as embarrassed as before.

‘Oh. Oh, that’s wonderful!” she laughed, her big blue eyes just brimming with tears, happy ones I’d hope. Her horn lit up and she dabbed at them daintily with what looked to be a silk hankie, embroidered with three diamonds. “But…You’re sure? I’d understand if you weren’t sure but-“

“No, I’m definitely sure.” I laughed under my breath. “Once I heard about what an Interpreter was I knew it was something I could do with no problems, at least not the usual problems they taught us at Virgin School.”

“Oh, they don’t really call it that, do they?”

“No, just a stupid nickname.” I laughed. I thought back to my time before I even considered this job. My career options were always...limited. My grades were never the best back in school and the thought of trying to bumble my way through college was genuinely frightening, not to mention too expensive. Office jobs never lasted long because I caved under the pressure and it was easier to replace me than wait for me to figure out what was wrong. Retail and food service had treated me well over the years and I respected the people who could make long and steady careers out of them but I wasn’t one of them.

“I’m not really sure I could do anything other than this right now. “ I laughed, staring at the floor.

“Oh I’m sure that’s not the case, darling!” she tried to comfort me, her hoof on my arm.

“No, it’s true. I just do whatever I can to put food on the table, to help out my mom. And I’m never gonna be able to do kids of my own, or a spouse. Or…anything like that.”

“Anything?” She seemed to debate this next part, chewing her lip. “Might I ask why?”

I paused. My circumstances weren’t a secret by any means but I didn’t wear them like a badge either. There were a lot of people who just didn’t understand, who couldn’t wrap their heads around it or flat out didn’t believe me. Or worse, the ones who thought I just needed to be “fixed”. It took my own mom years to fully come to terms with it.

Maybe a pony would understand. I thought to myself. Who knows? Worst case scenario I don’t get the job and I’m right back where I was yesterday.

“Well, Miss Rarity…I really just never wanted any of those things. At least…the things that they entail. I might adopt when I’m older, but kids of my own or a partner…they’d be unlikely. Impossible maybe? Either way, nothing that would get in the way of this job.”

“I’m not sure I follow, dear.” She blinked, taking a sip of her carrot juice. I must have unconsciously made a face because she jumped back into the conversation. “I believe you, of course! I’m…just a little lost.”

I was gonna have to say it, I supposed. I sighed, leaning a bit to not have to be as loud over the conversations of the other patrons.

“I don’t…enjoy the thought of…more intimate relations. With anyone. Ever.”

She blinked again, her face slowly turning into one of dawning understanding.

“Oh! Oh, that makes much more sense!” she smiled, before getting to the usual questions that came with this admission. “Oh but, given that we’re speaking I can assume-What I mean is how…do you know? If you’ve never…”

“Trust me. This isn’t something I’m unsure about. And before you ask, no. Nothing bad happened to me to make me this way. I’m just…not interested. And if I ever got into a relationship, it would have to be with someone who understood that. Or, someone else like me? I guess? But it’s not something I need to be happy. I’m fine just the way things are.”

She sat there, taking in all the new information.

“Well then, your file did not mislead! You are exactly the type of interpreter I was looking for.” She smiled wide, levitating another appetizer and taking small, delicate bites. “Here’s hoping you are sufficiently qualified for the rest of the job description. Though, I think you’ll do just fine.”

She understood. She didn’t think I was strange or naïve or…broken.

This might just work out after all.

“With all that settled, would you mind reading me the specials? It’s a pony-friendly version of the menu so don’t worry about looking out for meat.”

The rest of the meal was much less eventful. We mostly made small talk and enjoyed each other’s company. She seemed to warm up to me pretty easily. I wondered if this was her personality at play or a pony thing I’d yet to experience. After a really good pasta dish (with what might have been the best garlic bread I’d ever eaten) and a very fancy salad for her, she excused herself from the table and trotted over to the man who had driven me to the hotel. She floated a note to him and he handed her a manila envelope. She carried it back to the table with her in her magic, an extra bounce in her step.

“These are the legalities you’ll have to look over on your own, but if everything looks to your liking we’ll be in business before you know it!” she beamed.

She wasn’t even trying to keep me on my toes about it. She seemed ready, willing and eager to have a steady interpreter in her employ ASAP. I wondered just how long she’d been looking?

To be completely honest, I went into that interview thinking I wouldn’t get the job. The only qualifications I held were my graduation of the needed schooling and my literal virginity. I wasn’t the public-speaking type, I’d never worked around big businesses before, nor had I ever worked a job where I was really depended on. Most jobs I’d worked were ones where if I failed, I was very easily replaceable. I knew next to nothing about fashion (that wasn’t a requirement, it just helped a little sometimes) and my presentation and behavior would now reflect upon my employer in a way I’d never experienced. Humans and unicorns alike knew Rarity and had expectations from her, and to a much lesser extent, from me.

In her world I was always going to stick out like a sore thumb, I suspected, but I was hoping this whole deal wasn’t going to put me through the ringer to badly.

---

---

I jumped awake to Rarity’s ringtone, my bedhead out of control like always and drool on my pillow. She wasn’t supposed to be back in town for another week. I squinted at the blinding light coming from my phone, looking to my window to see it was still pitch black out.

“Blurgh…Wh-…What time…”

It was three in the goddamn morning.

“Mn…Hello? Is every…everything…are you okay Boss?”

There was the usual delay between here and Equestria, so I knew she wasn’t here yet.

“Oh my stars! Did I wake you Dana? The time difference is still a bit much for me but I’m completely swamped and I needed to call you as soon as I could!”

“…S’alright.”

“Fantastic news, darling! The Vincenzo Mancini is introducing his newest corporate venture at a very important get-together and yours truly managed to finally get a spot on the guest list! I’m going to have to make some good first impressions if I’m ever going to get to those certain business proposals we were discussing during our last meeting if you recall.”

I rolled onto my side, my eyes still shut and my phone held up to my ear with what strength I could muster.

“Sounds cool…hope ya have fun…” I curled into a ball and snuggled into my pillow.

“No dear, you will be attending as well.” She sighed, her voice a little flatter than usual. “It is why I hired you, if you recall.”

“Oh…right right rightright…cool cool cool.” I yawned, trying my best to pay attention. “…S’when?”

“That’s the reason I’m calling now, dear. The most important soiree is tomorrow! Very last-minute but these things can’t be helped. We’ll need to get everything prepared! And you fall into the category of everything. I’ll be on Earth in about three hours so be ready to go in four. À tout a l’heure!”

She hung up. I dropped my phone off the edge of my bed and groaned into my pillow, cursing her for making me get up that early on a Saturday.

This unicorn’s gonna be the death of me…

Author's Note:

Based on the Universe created by Lise Eclaire, written with permission. one of my fav stories! One if you've only seen this you should absolutely go read.

i love the Unicorn Interpreter universe so much, I just had to write something for it. then the idea of an ace character popped into my head and I just rolled with it, let's see if this story's any good.

timeline-wise i guess this would take place a few years before the original story? I wanted to do something where the "unicorns on Earth" thing wasn't brand new to humans but wasn't really commonplace yet so that i could explore ideas with that.

when going through unicorns i just couldn't get writing Rarity out of my head, even if it was an obvious choice. I'll see how it goes.

i'm no good with titles, but this one popped up when i was looking for a phrase that meant "making something from nothing". It's a Steven Hawking thing? plus it sounds fashion-y too so i had to use it.

I'm absolutely open to spelling/grammer corrections as I don't know any editors and there's probs a few.

EDIT: i did a drawing for this chapter too. Prepare for a lot of Rarity in the same pose.

Comments

[j-grizz]

I rolled onto my side, my eyes still shut and my phone help up to me ear with what strength I could muster.

"my phone held up to my ear", perhaps

Nice beginning, faved

[miss-cyan]

8350306

oh shoot, thanks for the help

and thanks for the fav c: