Ponemurdered 2

by The Gentlecolt

ChappterPenguinLips: A Bojack Horseman Story [ChappedPenguinLips]

Applejack blinked. “And that’s what happened?”

“Eeyup,” Big Mac said.

“Riiiight,” Applejack stole a glance over her shoulder to the other ponies behind her, all of which—except for Pinkie Pie, who just smiled, smilingly—met her with the same confused stares. “And what exactly is that, Mac?”

“I just told ya,” he droned, as if he’d said it a dozen times already.

“No, you didn’t!” Applejack threw her hooves up, took two big steps forward and jabbed a hoof right into Big Mac’s personal bubble of comfort. “All you did was walk in here, clear your throat and say ‘and that’s what happened.’ What happend Big Mac?

Big Mac shrugged. “And that’s what happ—” Applejack drove her hoof into Big Mac’s, “—youch!” he screeched, jumping back a few yards. He rubbed his assaulted hoof, and glared. “What was that for?”

“Quit playin’ games, Mac and tell us why you mouseyed all the way on up here to the Crystal Empire to tell us ‘and that’s what happened,’ because you and I know darn well the bits you used to travel this way were hard-earned Apple family bits, weren’t they?” In her spiel, AJ had pinned Mac up against the wall where he curled into fetal position, and her friends had slipped ever so carefully back to the opposing wall. “Now Mac, either start talkin’, or quit expectin’ me to—”

“Godzilla’s attacking Ponyville, and I don’t want to go back there. Spike sent me.”

A beat.

AJ turned around, eyeing Twi amongst the group of her gal pals.

The purple alicorn took a couple steps forward, the floor creaked under her heavy steps. “I mean, Spike saved the Crystal Empire once, I’m sure he’ll be fine—”

“What?”

“The Crystal Empire is nice this time of year, and I haven’t seen my favorite brother and sister-in-law in so long—”

“—Twi, what are you talking—”

“—Ponyville is really humid—”

“—Twilight, we have to go—”

“—Does anyone else want oatmeal—”

“—Twilight!”

“Celestia dammit, fine,” Twilight groaned, shoulders slumping over, “We’ll go save them from like, a one hundred year old Spike, or something.”

---

“Thanks for inviting us to come along, little sis!” Shining Armor sat legs crossed in front of Twilight’s castle window, looking around Ponyville in wonder as ponies screamed, and scorching flames engulfed the town. “This is incredible,” he said, awestruck.

Beside him, Cadence shadowed his enthrallment.

Fluttershy watched them for a few minutes before a knot formed in her stomach. She prodded Twilight with a hoof. “Are they okay?”

Twilight pulled her snout from her book, and pushed her spectacles up her snout, diverting her attention to her kin, then burying her muzzle back in her spell Bible. “Them?” she asked, still scanning pages.

“Yeah they seem kind of, how do I put this delicately…”

Twilight faced Fluttershy, their muzzle’s separated by all of a centimeter, if that. “Sociopathic. The word you’re looking for is sociopathic.” Twilight returned to her book.

“Yeah,” Fluttershy rubbed her neck, “I guess you could say that.”

“Yeah, they don’t get to be relevant often, so it makes sense they’re so infatuated by the idea of being involved.” Twilight turned another page.

The silence that hung in the air was uncomfortable, even for Fluttershy. She’d stayed behind with the Twilight as the others went to check on their families, and regretted it. Her options were far from enjoyable. Either watch a scowling Twilight flip through an ancient textbook, or listen to the mister and the misses soak up a town being ravaged, and massacred by an overgrown lizard.

She relinquished a sigh. “So what are you looking for—”

“I’m going to have to stop you right there,” Twilight deadpanned.

Fluttershy frowned, then did a double take. “Was it something I said?”

“It was more the fact that you said anything, so by extension, it was also what you said, yes. That is correct.” Twilight met Fluttershy’s cowering stare. “Don’t you have like, a demon bunny to check on or something?”

Fluttershy tilted her head. “Angel?”

“Yeah, the ironically named one, that one.”

“Oh, he’s fine. He can’t die or feel pain.”

Twilight cocked a brow. “Celestia said what now?”

“It’s weird, yeah.”

Twilight closed the book in front of her, and wobbled onto all fours. “Weird? If by weird you mean physically impossible, then yeah, weird.”

“It took me awhile to wrap my head around the fact his existence defied physics too, yeah.”

Twilight’s face contorted, her eyebrows pinching downward sharply. She raised a hoof in question, but shook her head and dismissed it. “So hypothetically, purely hypothetically speaking, if we fed Angel to Godzilla, he wouldn’t die, correct?”

“That would be correct, yes.”

With that, Twilight’s hooves clacked against the tile floor of her castle, and she trotted out of the room. “Come on Flutters,” she called back as she turned a corner, “we’ve got a bunny to baste.”

“Twilight, I think there are more important matters than feeding my bunny to Godzill—”

“I can’t hear you! Teleporting too loud! Leave a message at the—”

In a zap and a violet flash from down the hall the alicorn had disappeared, leaving Fluttershy to her lonesome.

She sighed. At least now it wasn’t awkward silence.

Cadence made sure of that.

“Oh my stars, it ate Bulk Biceps! I wish I had leg biceps!”

---

Twilight ambled fourth through the discord of flames and fury engulfing Ponyville. Embers whipped about in the harsh wind. Twilight’s mane unfurled, and smoke clogged her lungs. She stopped, relinquishing a cascade of violent coughs.

“So what’s your plan Twilight?”

Twilight didn’t face the voice, but stared into the hell she once called home. She smirked, then peered over her shoulder to meet to faded emerald orbs of a formerly fearless farm mare. “We’re going. To build. A wall.”

Applejack blinked. “Wh-Wha?”

“No no, I’m just kidding! That’s actually stupid. One second.” A bulb of light at the end of Twilight’s horn grew exponentially, in the matter of seconds it was as big as Princess Celestia’s flanks (yes both of them), and it continued to grow until finally it burst! A sound akin to a bursting balloon rung throughout Ponyville.

---

When Twilight opened her eyes again Ponyville was in mint condition, but with half the population. Her restorative spell had worked! Unfortunately it didn’t restore the ponies that had been lost. Twilight bowed her head. A moment of silence for the fallen.

“How could you—“

“Lolwut.” Twilight looked up, her head on a rotisserie, searching for the voice that so rudely interrupted her moment of sile—

“Why didn’t you do that sooner, Sugarcube?” Applejack stepped forward, her lower lip trembling.

“What are you going on about?”

“I’m going on about why didn’t you just like Magic everything together in the first place! You took like two hours before you even attempted a spell—“

“Applejack, Applejack hush for a moment and listen—“

“I will not hush—“

In a flash of Twilight’s horn, a closed zipper replaced AJ’s mouth.

“You hear that Applejack?”

Applejack mumbled.

“It’s the sound of bliss.”

Applejack unzipped her her mouth. “It’s the sound of three quarters of Ponyville dead, Twilight!”

“They’re eerily similar, how can you be sure?”

“Because we lost Granny!” Applejack huffed, a tear streaming down her cheek. “Why did you take so long Twi?” Her voice was heavy with heavy feelings. Oof.jpg.

Twilight stared at the ground, stumbling over the words to tell her friend. Twilight rolled her shoulders back, her firm gaze meeting Applejack’s desperate one. “I threw Angel in the oven,” she said.

“What?!”

“Fluttershy told me I couldn’t kill Angel so I wanted to prove her wrong,”

“What the hay Is actually wrong with you!”

“He died in there. Fluttershy was totally wrong. If that oven didn’t torch him, Godzilla would have.”

“Twilight!”

“Fine I’ll revive her geez.”

“You’ll wh-wha?” Applejack stammered, her jaw quivering.

“I’ll throw in your other folks too. I shouldn’t have messed around with ponies lives.”

“Twilight you can’t just do that!” Applejack jammed a stringent hoof into the ground, a cloud of dust coming between them.

“Yeah, that’d be kind of immoral, wouldn’t it? I know if I was given the opportunity to sleep forever I’d be kind of pissed if someone woke me up.”

“Twilight I swear—“

“Thanks Applejack, you’re a real friend.” Twilight patted her orange fuzzy buddy on the head, then poked her nose, with a little “boop” sound effect. “You the OG. If it weren’t for you, I don’t know if I wouldn’t have revived all those ponies. For all I know I could be letting potential thief’s and drug dealers back on the steet!”

“Twilight!”

“Thanks AJ, you a real one. Now if you’ll excuse me. I’m gonna go get high. I feel myself coming down again.”

In a flash of purple energy, Twilight was gone again, leaving Applejack all by her lonesome.

Applejack sighed.

A blue mare skipped down the street. “Hey AJ don’t forget your dentist appointment next Thursday!”

Applejack sighed once more.

It’s a hard knock life.

Author's Note:

ChappedPenguinommentary: I took my chapter a 1000% serious, as you can tell.

Watch Bojack Season Five on Netflix, September 14th. It’ll change your life.

Comments

[The1templar]

The true sound of Bliss

[MrWolfeyes2]

Is Penguin both drunk and high?