Life has been following the same routine day after day. Fluttershy and I follow the same routine. We talk and I help her with chores. She's a good friend, my only one. Finally when my wing is healed I decide to go home. After all these days.
It was twilight and dark. I fly over to my house with no noise except the howl of the wind. My house loomed eerily over me. I go inside. It was unusually quiet.
"Hello," I whispered.
My voice echoed all around the house. It was around twilight and dark. I flip on the switch and find my dad sitting on a chair with a knife in his hand.
"Hello," his voice cut through the air like a knife,"I was waiting.
By now I started to back away.
"You left me all alone. I was waiting. And then I realized I DON'T care."
My hooves started to sweat and I tried to make my way to the door.
"Don't bother trying, little girl," his voice hissed across the room.
He came at me slashing with his knife. For a moment I couldn't move. As I ran towards the door, he ran after me. He was pretty fast for a drunk. He slashed at me and I felt a horrible burning sensation all over my body. I ran out of my house with my dad still yelling,
"AND DONT COME BACK"
I run deep into the woods, not even caring if I was eaten by Timberwolves. As i lay down on the now bloody grass, again I cry. I wait until I'm done. And then I hear the screams.
Fluttershy.
screams
I'm so loving this emotional story
missed an italic in there, and OH GOD STOP CHANGING TENSES!!
Past or Present tense, make up your mind!
Hey there. here's more on the story.
-"Finally when my wing is healed I decide to go home." could be better put as "When my wings finally healed I decided to go back home.
-"It was twilight and dark." could be better put as "It was twilight and growing dark."
-This is exciting. We finally meet the father figure! Good way to introduce him.
-"My voice echoed all around the house. It was around twilight and dark. I flip on the switch and find my dad sitting on a chair with a knife in his hand." You don't necessarily need to say twilight and growing dark again. As for the rest of it, I really like it. creepy, nice job!
-"You left me all alone. I was waiting. And then I realized I DON'T care." --> this, and the rest of the father's dialogue, is written very well. Nice job, it really helps the reader to side even more with poor Derpy's plight.
That end of the chapter was remarkable. It was very, very intense and then suddenly when everything seems calm, BAM! You hrow in Fluutershy's screams. Good job on this chapter.