Outcast

by RainbowShades

Chapter 1

I fled from the house that I was forced to live in. It wasn't my home and never would be. Without even knowing where I was going I ended up at Twilight's house. I banged at the door with my eyes still off center from my dad's latest beating.

"Twilight! I need your help."

"Oh, hi Derpy," replied Twilight with her eyes behind a book as she opened the door. "What brings you here?"

"I need a place to stay for the night. Can I please stay here?"

"Well I don't know... I guess?"

"Thanks Twilight."

"Um you're welcome" she said while pushing me away. "Looks like you need another eye spell. They"re wall-eyed again."

She did a quick spell and my eyes were fixed.

"Well I'm going back to sleep" said Twilight while yawning sleepily. "Why were you out so late anyways."

"Sorry Twilight, I can't tell you"

"C'mon Derpy, I'm your friend."

"I'm sorry Twilight."

"Well Goodnight," said Twilight with a troubled look on her face.

"Goodnight"

As I laid down on the ground I started crying. Stupid of me right. Everything was so unfair. From the moment I was born my dad resented me. My mother died after giving birth to me so I think he thought I killed her. My dad was drunk all the time and liked to beat me. All the beatings to my head constantly left me wall-eyed. Sometimes I even put a brown paper bag on my head just to cover the lumps on my head. I don't care if people called me weird. All that mattered was to not let anypony know my dad beat me or else he will think I told. Sometimes he would hit me so hard I would faint.

I never knew what my real name was. My dad called me Derpy because of my voice and the name stuck. The only thing that would ever comfort me was muffins. I always found money on the ground that my dad threw around when he was drunk. The only reason he is even alive is because he's living off the fortune one of my relatives gave me. Anyways muffins. They were the only thing I liked about my life.

I just wish I could be normal. As see the sun rising in the sky the only thought in my mind is this, "Why cant I have a normal life?

Comments

[dracoantares]

[Fluttershysawhoooooooors]

I banged at the door with my eyes still wall-eyed from her dad's latest beating.

Shouldn't it be my dad's?

[GuitarKirby]

Commas and apostrophes. Learn them.

[Capitola]

- I've never heard the idea of her eyes being caused by her dad and Twilight being able to fix them. That's a very interesting idea that you have implemented, nice job.
-Was Twilight reading or was she sleeping before she answered the door? I am a bit confused on that.
-I also like how you have portrayed Twilight. She is worried about her friend, but doesn't now what to do. In my mind, thanks to how you have her here, I am imagining that she is trying to decide what to do. Whether to talk to Celestia about Derpy, or her friends, or whether to keep trying. Very interesting.
-Although when using Twilight I would stay away from contractions like "c'mon". Maybe instead something like "Please, Derpy, I'm your friend."
-"Stupid of me right." might be better if put as "Stupid of me, right?"
-"My mother died after giving birth to me so I think he thought I killed her." Whoa. Wasn't expecting that. if you were trying to get us to Sympathize, it worked. Also, try adding a comma between "to me".
-"My dad was drunk all the time and liked to beat me. All the beatings to my head constantly left me wall-eyed." Once more, that's pretty powerful. Makes you stop and think.
-"The only thing that would ever comfort me was muffins." That was kind of out of left field. You mention muffins, and then don't talk about it. Why do muffins comfort her?
-"The only reason he is even alive is because he's living off the fortune one of my relatives gave me. Anyways muffins." Same thing with this line. That's really a big surprise. Holy cow, want to know more about this. Who are these ponies who left her money and why is no of the other relatives checking up on her. Also, change the "anyways, muffins" thing. I might leave that out, but that's just me.
-The line about her only living for muffins was a shock. Perhaps the parts about muffins could be in a whole separate paragraph, maybe put before she goes into the one about her inheritance.
-"As see the sun rising in the sky the only thought in my mind is this, "Why cant I have a normal life?" Is a strong line, but I would tweak it a bit to something like

"As I see the sun rising in the sky the only thought in my mind is one I have wondered for so long.

"Why can't I have a normal life?"

I enjoyed reading the first chapter. Normally I don't actively seek out and read sad stories or stories labeled "tragedy", but I found myself very interested in this one. I felt very sympathetic towards Derpy, the premise is interesting, the character portrayal is pretty good, and overall I like it. I will look forward to seeing where this goes.