Outcast

by RainbowShades

Chapter 4

"Oh good you're awake," said a soft voice.

"Um where am I."

"You're at my cottage. I found you at the edge of the forest.

Instantly I recognized the voice. It was Fluttershy.

"How long was I out?"

"A few days"

"At least I had experienced pain and fainting before," I grumbled under my breath.

"What was that?"

"Nothing."

"So what were you doing in the forest?"

Now she was getting more personal.

Going to Zecora's for a remedy," I replied. I wasn't lying. Technically, I was getting a brew. To fix all my problems. To fix my life.

"Well you could have asked me. I have remedies for ponies too. So what do you want"

"Don't worry about it right now."

"Anyways you have to stay here because of that broken wing."

I was surprised at Fluttershy. She was always just sweet, shy Pony. I've never seen her so outspoken. Well then again I was never with Fluttershy and her friends. Memories of what happened a couple days ago came back. I was hurt again. Was Fluttershy going to show me to her friends? What a loser I was? Tears flooded my eyes. I was a loser.

Pathetic.

Like I did a couple days ago, I cried. Hard.

"There there," A reassuring hoof patted my back.

"It'll be all right."

Comments

[arandompenguin]

Normally I would say something about the chapters being way too short but with story the short chapters really emphasize the emotions in the story. It's a great portrayal and definitely plays at your emotions. Well done, I've liked and favourited and look forward to more.

[DOUGHBOY1908]

Why did I read this I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :pinkiehappy IT JUST NEEDS MORE TIME untill I will like it but good so far FAVING

[Book]

This to me seems to be more of a diary rather than a legend, oh well. It is still pretty good but I found it a bit out of character for the mane 6 to reject derpy like that. I know that it was supposed to be sad but that felt like a forced tear jerker that left me asking why rather than actually crying, oh well again. I am aware that I am not the author so do as you please. It is your story after all and I can honestly say that I enjoyed the read. Good Work

[dracoantares]

Really short chapters but they do emphasize the feeling. I love it.

[Fluttershysawhoooooooors]

Going to Zecora's for a remedy,"

You missed a " at the start there

[dancing mop]

"At least I had experienced pain and fainting before."

I don't like that line. It sounds...um...well, it sounds more like an author's line than a character's. Um, let's see, what could she say instead...I'll get back to you on this.

[Capitola]

Try reading all of the above comments other people have written. They are really good insights. Not only do they compliment the story, and the compliments are factual, but they also give you good ideas. Take a look at those and try and implement them.

-""Um where am I."" ---> "Uhm, where am I?"
-Fluttershy, to me, seems a wee bit too straightforward at the beginning. Try and work on that by adding some hesitation to her voice.
-"So what were you doing in the forest?" Now she was getting more personal. --- that part there the straightforwardness is good, though.
- Derpy just said that she wanted to fix all her problems and her life. Fluttershy would probably be showing worry and alarm.
-"Well you could have asked me. I have remedies for ponies too. So what do you want" try changing want to need.
-"Anyways you have to stay here because of that broken wing." Take out anyways and replace it with something else, such as: "Alrght, but you'll have to stay here because of that broken wing."
- "She was always just sweet, shy Pony." You forgot to add and 'a' between 'just' and 'sweet'
-"What a loser I was?" Could be better said as "Show what a loser I was?"
-Derpy (and you the author) hit on something that was confusing me during this chapter. Fluttershy was with them at the park, so why is she suddenly acting so nice?
The rest of the story I especially liked. Nice job on continuing the story. I enjoy reading this, and this chapter was just another exciting part in the series. Try and go back and make the corrections to the story that i have talked about as well as other people have talked about. I think you will find that doing so will really help your story.