I wake up the next morning and slink out of the library. I'm not sure of what to do so I wander along town aimlessly. I bought a few cupcakes and went to the park. When I got there I saw the Mane 6 having a picnic.
` "Hey guys, can I ask you a question?" I asked.
"Yes what?" Twilight asked.
"Can I join your picnic?" I asked.
There was a long awkward silence.
"Sorry Derpy," said Dash,"You can't.
"Yeah sorry Derpy. You're still our friend. Its just that...um... there's not enough Cupcakes," Pinkie Pie said in a tense voice.
I looked behind their backs, there were plenty.
"Thanks anyways guys," I said dejectedly. There was no room for a wall-eyed pegasus, and probably never will be.
As I walked away sadly I heard Rainbow Dash making fun of me.
"Ha ha. She was hilarious. At least her eyes weren't all goofy," She said breaking out in more laughter
"Don't make fun of her Rainbow," Twilight said with a chuckle.
"I know, but she's so funny," she said laughing some more, "I just dont know what went wrong,"
I was crushed. The six ponies I looked up too and the nicest ponies I knew were making fun of me.
I let a tear fall down my cheek and hit the ground.
As I walked away my only thought was, "Why can't I be liked?"
quit messin with derpy you meany heads!! I like it so far.
Wake is the wrong tense to use for the context. Woke would be better
Ah, still commas and apostrophes. And she would just call them "Twilight and her friends", I mean, its not like she knows they're the main 6 characters in a show.
From the comments above it seems that people actually do enjoy reading your stories. I count myself among those.
-It might be better if you reworded it as "I woke the next morning and quietly sneaked out of the library" (Although I do enjoy the word slink)
-I agree with the above reader. She would probably not refer to them as the Mane 6. Probably she would refer to them as Twilight and her friends.
-"Yes what?" Don't forget the comma
-I find it hard to believe that the Mane 6, especially Pinkie Pie, would tun her away just because she is not an element of harmony. It seems out of character for them to do something like that.
-Also Rainbow would have probably gotten a hoof t the face from any on of her friends if she had said that. A lot of people show her as not liking Derpy and being annoyed with her, which is fine, but even Rainbow dash would know not to be cruel.
- one of us.a' ---> "...one of us."
-" As I walked away my only thought was, "Why can't I be liked?" " I really liked this line.
You said that chapter two was not your most favorite chapter to write. I can see how it might be difficult. I would propose that instead of the Mane 6 you replace them with, say, the Mane 6 background ponies. That was readers will sympathize a lot more with Derpy and her plight. As a reader I sympathize with Derpy, but I find it a little challenging because I find it to hard to believe the Mane 6 would ever do something like that. Still, this chapter helped to d more to your portrayal of Derpy. I will look forward to reading the next one.