Equestria Gear Solid: The Definitive Experience

by Posh

2. Accursed Snake Children

"I was a North American fall webworm in my past life. Ah, those were the days... What were you in your former life?"

---

After a long and traumatic day, Snake looked forward to finally getting home and escaping the constant presence of Twilight. Unfortunately, it didn't look like she was going to give up that easily. Snake stopped outside the school only long enough to text Otacon and tell him to meet him later, and then he was off. But not minutes later, there she was again, hot on his trail.

"Hey!" she called, running down the street after him. "Wait up!"

Snake panicked. This one would take all of his training to evade. He immediately began running, pacing himself to maintain proper breathing and ensure that he could outlast his pursuer through sheer stamina – which, given her performance in the hallway earlier, didn't seem too difficult.

As soon as he was a decent way ahead of Twilight, running down a quiet residential neighborhood, he executed a tactical roll to break line of sight with her, placing himself behind a garden wall on someone's driveway. He quickly surveyed the landscape, and found what he was looking for: a perfect hiding spot.

Snake dove into the nearby garbage can and crouched inside.

Truly, he was a master of stealth.

Three minutes later, he peeked out from his hiding place to check if Twilight was still there. By some rotten luck, that was the exact moment she was passing the garden.

"Snake? What are you doing in there?"

"Hrrrrrm..."

---

Twilight was a relentless pursuer, easily thwarting all his evasion attempts. There was simply no way to elude her, so he begrudgingly let her follow him home after that, contenting himself with telling her to be quiet. On that count, at least, she obeyed his wishes, but having her there was still an embarrassment, a constant reminder of his failure as a stealth operative.

It was like dealing with Meryl from Shadow Moses High all over again. Granted, Twilight hadn't gotten quite as bad as her yet – Meryl would always rub up against him, sometimes while barely clothed, at every opportunity she had – but it was only a matter of time before Twilight's occasional hand-touches and "accidental" nuzzling became something far more tiresome.

Why did girls do stuff like that? It was so weird.

The peace wasn't to last. When the two of them finally came to the Snake family home, Twilight started making mouth-noises again.

"Ooh, is this where you live? I didn't think I'd get to see it so soon! Are your parents in right now? I can try to be quiet if they are, but I'm sorry if in the heat of the moment I—"

"Shut. Up."

Without another word, Snake got down on his stomach and crawled into a ventilation shaft that ran below the house. Twilight, bewildered, shouted questions after him as he disappeared into its depths, but her voice was mercifully distant now. He smiled to himself; for once, he was glad that his father had banned using the front door and refused to give any of his sons a key until electronic personal area network technology could be perfected. Besides encouraging them all to learn proper stealth infiltration techniques, and pissing off Solidus, it was also a barrier to Snake being followed inside.

He emerged behind the living room couch, quietly sliding a grate out of his way and climbing up onto the carpet. Moving around the side of the couch, Snake surveyed the area, eyes darting between the fireplace, where Dad kept his antique 1960s radio, and the cabinets full of the skeletons of things Dad had devoured. When he thought it was safe, he emerged from view, standing to his full height and walking out into the open.

Immediately, a red-gloved hand grabbed him in a chokehold, and a knife came to his throat.

"Shpit it out!" said a voice that sounded like someone speaking through a mouthful of sandwich.

That didn't sound like his father. Dad didn't even like sandwiches.

"Uncle... Serval?" Snake grunted tentatively.

The knife retreated, and the man behind him grabbed Snake by the shoulders and whirled him around. Snake's eyes widened as he looked upon his uncle, wearing his father's old khakis and an eyepatch, facial hair trimmed to resemble Big Boss's beard

"Uhhhh..."

"I'm not your uncle, shon," said Uncle Serval, grinning at him. "I'm your father, Big Bosh. Shee?"

"Um... sure..." Snake slowly backed away, slipping out of Uncle Serval's grasp. "Uh... Dad... why are you...?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about. How wash your day, shon?"

"It was... weird and uncomfortable. Much like this situation."

At that moment, Twilight also emerged from behind the couch, glasses askew and plaid skirt and shirt covered in filth from the vents.

"Snake, there you are!"

Uncle Serval immediately drew a water pistol and started squirting Twilight in the face.

"CONTACT!" he yelled.

Twilight wailed and screamed, swinging her arms about blindly as the water splashed her glasses. She collapsed on the floor behind the couch, and Uncle Serval ran behind to continue shooting her while she was down.

Snake shrugged and left the room.

Trouble always had a way of finding Snake, however, just as it did on his way up the stairs.

"Brrrrother!" Liquid said dramatically, spreading his arms wide atop the stairs.

"Urgh..."

An open jacket with ripped sleeves over a bare chest. Camo shorts that only went down to his knees. Black leather gloves with missing fingers, and matching combat boots. A conch hanging from his belt, and a seashell necklace. Bleach blond hair. Liquid had always tried his very best to look like as much of a douchebag on the outside as he was inside. Snake didn't think he'd succeeded yet, but that was only because the world of fashion simply had not advanced far enough to portray Liquid's full douchiness. If anything, he'd only succeeded in turning himself into the world's edgiest surf instructor.

Out of the frying pan, and into the smaller, dorkier frying pan.

"I heard girlish screaming, and hoped it was you." Liquid gave a smug grin. "But it sounds like our dear uncle caught some other rat in his trap. Did you bring over your girlfriend again, Snake?"

"Meryl is not my girlfriend!" Snake snapped.

"What's the matter?" said a creepy filtered voice. "Don't you like girls?"

Another boy had appeared at the top of the stairs, a redhead wearing a gas mask and a black leather jacket with sleeves far too long for him.

"Oh good," Snake grunted. "You're here too."

Liquid stepped down closer to Snake, getting right up in his face.

"Well, Snake? Don't you? Hmmmmm?"

"Pretty rich coming from you," Snake growled. "Why haven't you two fucked already and gotten it over with?"

"Because Mantis is asexual!" Liquid shouted. "You'd know that if you read his blog, like I do!"

Snake, eyes half-lidded, looked to Mantis, who in turn was now staring at Liquid.

"...Uh-huh."

Liquid waved him off. "Whatever, Snake! I'll deal with you later. Me and Mantis are going out to a party. We're going to pull some Crystal Prep girl's hair, and pour pig's blood over her!"

"Have fun," Snake grunted.

"You'll regret brushing me off one day, Snake!" Liquid growled. "Come on, Mantis, let's go. At least you know how to have a good time!"

"Can we stop for cherries along the way? I fucking love cherries."

Snake stepped aside. Liquid and Mantis held hands and descended the stairs together, the latter having to be careful to not trip on his enormous sleeves. Snake gagged and rolled his eyes as soon as they were out the door.

Soon after, a thoroughly soaked and red-faced Twilight emerged from the living room, a half-inflated balloon scotch-taped to her back.

"Your..." Twilight panted. "Your dad is... very energetic... I can... see where you get it from... heh heh..."

---

Twilight needed to dry off after her encounter with Serval, and Snake was all too happy to direct her to the bathroom. While she was gone, he could escape to his room for some brief respite. He doubted that Twilight was going to leave willingly any time soon, but at least she couldn't annoy him as long as she was in the bathroom. Plus, Otacon would be over soon. His brand of annoying was far less infuriating than Twilight's, and he would provide a much welcome distraction.

As always, Snake scanned his room as soon as he entered, drawing his water pistol and checking everywhere for spies. None in his closet. None under the bed. None in his bed. None clinging to the ceiling, or camouflaging themselves and hiding in plain sight. He lowered his weapon; it looked like he was safe.

Satisfied, Snake went over to his bedside cabinet and removed the false bottom in one of the drawers, revealing a packet of cigarettes and a lighter. Technically, he wasn't allowed to smoke at his age, and Liquid and Solidus would rat him out to their father instantly if they saw him, but he could get away with it in his own room; he had a lock, and he'd already confirmed nobody else was home. Besides Serval, anyway. But Serval would be cool with it, no matter what weird game he and Dad were playing.

Snake placed a cigarette between his lips and raised the lighter.

Then an arm reached around from behind and pulled him into another chokehold. Snake spat out his cigarette and struggled, but his attacker pulled him to the ground, and yanked him underneath a cardboard box, one he'd completely failed to notice during his initial check of the room. That could only mean it belonged to a greater master of stealth than even he.

For a moment, his world was dark. Then there was the click of a butane lighter, and a flickering orange flame, and Snake found himself face to face with his father, Big Boss. The real one this time.

"Dad," Snake grunted, massaging his throat. "What the hell?"

"Sorry, son," Big Boss said casually, his own voice not nearly as growly as Snake's own. "I had to hide in your room; Liquid's smells like shit."

Snake squinted at his father. "...Why?"

"Well, Liquid's weirdo friend got him a severed pig's head last Christmas, and since your brother is so obviously gay for him, he refuses to throw it away, even though it's rotting and attracting flies now."

"Why do you need to hide at all?"

"Oh." Big Boss shifted awkwardly. "Um... I got a call from Ocelot. He says that Zero and some of my other old colleagues from Patriot International are lining up some sort of huge prank on me. I don't want to be hit by it, so Serval is acting as a decoy. Until further notice, he's your dad as well. We are both Big Boss. To distinguish us, you can call him Venom Dad, and I will be Naked Dad."

"I'm not going to call you that."

Big Boss's face fell. He folded his arms and grumbled.

"Damn kids... never go along with my ideas..."

His father had always been like this. For as long as Snake could remember, Big Boss had been a neurotic individual, shaped by a life of corporate espionage to become a paranoid lunatic, who had nonetheless helped Snake discover his own passion for tactical stealth. The old man was also more than a little bitter about his long string of business failures after leaving Patriot. He had made four different companies since then, all of which eventually went bankrupt for various reasons. Being a paranoid lunatic, Big Boss blamed their failures on Patriot.

"Well, whatever," said Big Boss, sighing. "How was your day, son? How was your new school?"

"It was weird and stupid and I didn't like it," Snake said bluntly. "The history teacher was a drunk communist, some weird girl stalked me all day, and everybody was wearing plaid."

Big Boss recoiled, a look of total disgust on his face.

"Plaid? Why are they wearing plaid? Don't they know that plaid is terrible camouflage in almost all situations?"

"Right?!" Snake shouted. "They may as well be shouting to the enemy 'hey, here I am, squirt me!'"

For some reason, saying that reminded him of Twilight.

"Philistines," Big Boss spat. "We'll speak no more of them. What about your mission? Is that going well?"

"I'm working on it..." Snake muttered. His right leg was buzzing from being squatted on, so he swapped it out with his left. "Some asshole called Macbeth, and his guard dog, Trenton, are trying to make a move on Metal Gear."

"Ooh," said Big Boss with a sympathetic grimace. "That doesn't sound good. You'll want to do something about them."

"Me and Otacon are already on it. He'll be around in about five minutes."

"Good." Big Boss nodded. "Glad to hear, son. But for real, as soon as this Macbeth is out of the way, you get in there, and you destroy Metal Gear."

"Ew, dad!" Snake cringed.

"I did not spread all those rumors about her taking the Stinger just so that you could not give her the goddamn Stinger! I'm fed up with this friendzone beta orbiting shit you've been doing until now. It's not working; women are denser than lead, and they don't pick up these signals. You just gotta tell her you want to smash, and then you smash. Simple as that."

"Dad, gross! She's like a sister to me! I'm just doing this to try to protect her!"

"Pfffft." Big Boss rolled his eye. "What, are you gay or something?"

Snake tried to say something, but he was quickly cut off by Big Boss's cell phone ringing. Grumbling, his father fished it out of his breast pocket and answered.

"This is Big Boss."

"Hello~" a breathy female voice replied. The volume on the phone was cranked to maximum, and Snake could hear every sensually breathed word as clearly as if it were being breathed sensually into his own ear.

"Oh hey, Luna," Big Boss said nonchalantly. "What's going on?"

"Mmm, nothing. I just got home, and I'm all alone in this big, empty house..."

"Your sister ditch you again?"

"Oh, let's not waste valuable time discussing her," the husky-sounding woman tittered. "You know how she feels about the two of us talking. Thankfully, she's away for the weekend on school business, giving me the place all... to... myself."

"Wow. Sounds pretty lonely."

"Well, funny you should say that – I was feeling a little lonesome. Maybe a big, rugged, handsome, one-eyed, bearded gentleman could come along and help me... fill some empty space?"

Big Boss gave his son a questioning look, but Snake just shrugged in response.

"I don't follow," he eventually replied.

"I'm saying that I want you... to come over and give me some... company," the husky voice purred.

"Well, sure, I guess. I don't have anything else to do."

"Oh, don't worry, I'll give you something to do," the woman moaned delightedly. "Oh, and bring the sneaking suit~"

"Why? We going on a mission, or something?"

"Oh yes. A little two-person op called Operation Snake Eater. Sound good to you?"

"Sounds a little strange, actually, but I'm sure it'll make sense in context. I'll be by in ten for the mission briefing. Over and out."

Big Boss ended the call with a sweep of his thumb.

"Sorry, son, I have to go take care of this. I have no idea what this woman has in mind, but it sounds urgent."

Big Boss killed the lighter and lifted the edge of the cardboard box. Without a word, Snake rolled onto his belly and slithered out from underneath it, while Big Boss went back inside and crouch-walked out of the room with the box still concealing him.

Snake looked around his empty room and sighed. "I miss when mom was around..."

He went over to pick up his own lighter and cigarette, lying on the floor nearby. His father had apparently missed them in the chaos, for which he was incredibly grateful. But no sooner had Snake put the cigarette back in his mouth than he heard incredibly whiny yelling downstairs.

That sounds like someone I know.

He ran back downstairs as quick as he could, and found Uncle Serval choking Otacon to death, the second time in less than ten minutes that he'd violently attacked some nerd that came into Snake's home.

"Hey." Snake gave Serval a stern glare.

With a sheepish look, Serval reluctantly eased his grip. Otacon slipped loose and fell to his knees, clutching his throat and gasping for breath like a drowning man finally returning to the surface. At least he wasn't pissing himself. This time.

"D-Dr. Serval?" Otacon stammered as he looked up at the man standing over him.

"Who ish Dr. Sherval?" Serval said loudly, making a show of looking all around the room. "I shee no Dr. Sherval here! Jusht me, Big Bosh!"

"Ignore him," Snake grunted. "He's helping my father with some convoluted plan."

Otacon followed Snake out of the room, still massaging his neck where a bruise was now forming. He readjusted his glasses and looked behind him as they ascended the stairs, as if afraid that Serval would attack again.

"Snake, I don't understand. What exactly are they doing?"

"It doesn't matter," Snake muttered. "Stupid dad things. You know the kind."

"I don't actually; my father killed himself."

"God, I envy you."

"Um... okay, so... the mission, then. What did you learn from following Metal G— Oh."

Snake and Otacon both came to a stop on the landing at the top of the stairs, where they ran straight into Big Boss dragging an unconscious purple girl. Twilight was clad in one of the Snake family's trademark black sneaking suits, and even wore one of Big Boss's eyepatches. He stared at the two of them like a deer in headlights. Otacon stared back, utterly bewildered, but Snake didn't have it in him to be surprised anymore.

"...I can explain," said Big Boss.

"Let me guess," Snake grumbled. "You found her in your room playing dress-up, took her for a Patriot spy, and knocked her out?"

Big Boss grinned widely. "Yes! Exactly! She's the one Zero sent to prank me! Or, at least, I think she is. Why else would she be doing that in my room?"

In all likelihood, Twilight had probably just mistaken Big Boss's room for Snake's, and decided to be a creepy stalker in the wrong man's wardrobe. Still, this presented an opportunity to rid himself of her, at least temporarily.

"Can't argue with that logic," said Snake. "Make sure you get the suit back before you hide the body."

"Don't worry, I'll strip her in the back of my van before I drop her in the dumpster. Anyway, I'm off to Luna's now. Seeya later, son! Have fun with your friend!"

Otacon continued to stare as Big Boss dragged the unconscious Twilight past them and down the stairs, her head bumping on every step. Snake just grunted in exasperation and headed into his room, flopping down on the bed and staring at the ceiling. Otacon came in shortly after.

"What was that all about?" he asked, pointing a thumb behind him.

"Nothing. I don't want to talk about it."

"...Oh, I see. The Meryl problem again, huh, Snake?"

Snake gave a rumbling sigh and pulled a pillow over his own face.

"Well, I know just the thing to cheer you up," said Otacon as he took off his backpack and rummaged through. "I was able to skip class this afternoon, and I took the time to do some research on Crystal Prep High for you at the library. I found this article on—"

"Otacon, I'm not in the mood today," said Snake, throwing the pillow off his face. "Can we just skip the talking this time and make out already?"

Otacon sighed and rolled his eyes, climbing onto the bed and straddling Snake. "Only for you, Snake."

---

The high-pitched chirp of Snake's ringtone woke him abruptly, and he rolled over to pick his phone off his nightstand. An unknown number, calling at 2:35? Who could that even be?

Snake took the call and lifted the phone to his face. "'Iss Snake," he mumbled groggily. "Wuss happ'?"

"Why did I just regain consciousness in a dumpster, Snake?"

Snake slapped his forehead. "Because you're literal garbage. How the hell did you get my phone number?"

"It was in your dad's contacts. I lifted his phone while he was, um... squirting me." She giggled. "Impressed?"

Twilight was using Venom Da— Uncle Serval's phone? Then why didn't the call register as his? Serval must've been using another burner – it was so hard to get a read on that guy sometimes.

"Any moron could've lifted that phone off of him; he keeps it in a pouch on his chest like some kind of douchebag jogger. Now shut up and leave me alone."

"Hey, I was actually calling because—"

Snake ended the call before she could finish her sentence and groaned. Bad enough that Twilight knew where he lived, and that they had classes together – now she could call him whenever she damn well pleased. This situation with her was getting more and more intolerable. Still, hopefully, she'd be able to get the hint this time and—

The phone rang again, and Snake's jaw clenched as he took the call. "I told you to leave me alone, dammit!"

"This is actually business, not pleasure. For once. I was trying on one of your dad's form-fitting sexy catsuits – you know, out of curiosity – when I lost consciousness. I think someone stripped the suit off of me, because I woke up just now completely naked. All my clothes are still at your place."

Snake frowned. "How'd you manage to sneak a phone out? How do you still have it, if you got stripped?"

"...Women have more hiding places than men?"

Snake looked quizzically at his phone.

I don't get it, he thought.

"Anyway, for now, I should be alright; I can fashion a makeshift dress out of this old garbage bag, and the dumpster's close enough to my place that I can make it home in a couple of minutes. But I still need that uniform back, so... if you could bring it by my lab tomorrow morning, I'd be really grateful."

"Lab? You have a lab?"

"Well... more of a closet that I've turned into a lab. I think someone used to make moonshine in here, because there was an old still with half a tank of corn mash, and a couple plastic bottles with suspicious fluid."

"Sorry I asked," Snake grunted. "Fine, I'll bring you your damn uniform. But you better leave me alone after that."

"Right, okay, great. Thanks. And, um..." She hesitated, stammering when she spoke again. He could practically hear the blush in her voice. "Y'know, i-if you saw something you wanted to keep... l-like, my underwear... as a souvenir? You're welcome to—"

Snake threw his phone against his wall, shattering it into pieces and leaving a rectangular dent. No matter – he'd steal Solidouche's before going to school in the morning.

Comments

[Norad2]

A parody to surpass Metal Gear.

Wait, did you choose Luna for that conversation because of the role she played in the ponified Hiimdaisy comic?