The beginning was a little rough, exposition dump and all. Perhaps in future stories introduce those details during the telling, rather than as explanation at the start. Also, while there's nothing inherently wrong with telling a story in present tense, the vast majority are typically in past tense, since it reads more like someone is sitting there, telling you. Some spelling and grammatical errors, (there always will be), like "has even started teaching twilight how to raise the sun" Twilight should be capitalized. "replies in her sweet high pitched voice." For instances with multiple descriptors affecting a single target, you'll want a comma. Ie, "replies in her sweet, high pitched voice." "reach 1000 feet above the ground" Unless you're talking about the year of a date, you'll want to write out numbers. "reach one thousand feet above the ground"
These are mostly minor issues, but a bunch of minor issues can quickly become a barrier to new readers, which is a shame, because this seems rather interesting. I'll be checking out the other chapters. Please keep writing, I'll keep reading!
>>Shumiry to be honest i never intended this story to be in present tense. it just kinda happened. i embraced this because i thought it was different from the norm, and sometimes people are drawn to the idea of things being different.
Yay 1st chapter. To begin, this could use a spot of cleaning up. There are a few places that need to be proofread, like punctuation errors and things like that. GO back and read it out loud to yourself, and read it kind of slowly while doing that. It will help you spot mistakes, and even clear up sentences that aren't exactly coherent. My expertise really lie in the characters and story area (I'm not much on punctuation [I feel like the author can do that stuff]). Now, to begin with, the beginning is pretty bland. It jumps ahead and doesn't really give details as to what is going on. I didn't know I was reading in first person until about half way through. Go back and add a few sentences or paragraphs that explains what is going on. Another thing, it was bland in the aspect that it needs more to happen. Connect with your character, how did he feel during the events of his fathers death, what are his thoughts about his mother being in depression? Even as a young pony, he still would be able to remember something like that, and how he felt. I also felt that way throughout reading it. The part where he is in love with Shining Silver is the only part I felt connected to your character. Give more description about the house they were in, and what were their actions? That's another thing that was kind of lacking. To be honest this felt more like a synopsis rather than an actual story. The setting isn't really well described and will leave some of the readers a little confused about what they should imagine. I am not totally for sure who's house they are in, if it is dash's house, then describe it a little more. The main thing to remember in stories, connect the reader, build the visual in his head how it looks in their head. Characters aren't too big of a deal, because a lot of them are pretty well set up, just remember to keep them in character. Shining Silver could have used a bit more description other than the most beautiful pony ever. I understand that Thunder Twist is madly goo-goo over her, but he could have at least described her luscious mane, her soft sweet eyes that rested upon her head like shining idols. Her coat was as well groomed as ever, not a speck of dirt knew her name. You see? Connecting the characters to the audience, make it visual, make the emotion real. Use similes and other devices, they were invented for a reason. Not only will all of this add so much to this story, it will add so much to every other story you write from now on. Sorry if this seems a little condescending, I'm kind of treating it like your first fic. This is basic advice I have given many times before, and only once have I ever had to tell someone to tone down the descriptions. There is a fine line in the usage of description, but really as a general rule, one or two sentences for the setting, dedicate a paragraph to characters, and have actions as much as needed. Remember it's your masterpiece you are trying to metaphorically paint with words. The funny thing is, if you were to add all the description to just this first chapter, you would have around five thousand words. That's why I said it jumps around a little much, it makes it hard to follow, but it also makes it hard to imagine.
Anyways, the concept is actually pretty cool, I've actually seen quite a few mother stories lately, and I like the idea. It's got the possibility of being a featured, but it's just lacking so much. I've spent four weeks developing a self insert story, and I've just begun the second chapter. I finally had to end the first, because i felt like maybe I needed to develop an event in detail, something important to the characters psyche that would explain him better.
I wish I had gotten to help you out on this before you finished this, this has such great potential as a story just from the first chapter alone.
FIRST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!![:trollestia:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/trollestia.png)
and only right now lol
The beginning was a little rough, exposition dump and all. Perhaps in future stories introduce those details during the telling, rather than as explanation at the start. Also, while there's nothing inherently wrong with telling a story in present tense, the vast majority are typically in past tense, since it reads more like someone is sitting there, telling you.
Some spelling and grammatical errors, (there always will be), like "has even started teaching twilight how to raise the sun" Twilight should be capitalized.
"replies in her sweet high pitched voice." For instances with multiple descriptors affecting a single target, you'll want a comma. Ie, "replies in her sweet, high pitched voice."
"reach 1000 feet above the ground" Unless you're talking about the year of a date, you'll want to write out numbers. "reach one thousand feet above the ground"
These are mostly minor issues, but a bunch of minor issues can quickly become a barrier to new readers, which is a shame, because this seems rather interesting. I'll be checking out the other chapters. Please keep writing, I'll keep reading!
>>Shumiry
to be honest i never intended this story to be in present tense. it just kinda happened. i embraced this because i thought it was different from the norm, and sometimes people are drawn to the idea of things being different.
wait is ma rainbow dash im confused but its good so far except for me crying a little at the end![:fluttercry:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/fluttercry.png)
Its kina cheezy how rainbodash, and rarity are mothers
but I got a soft spot for good drama effects
so I'l like this and give it a 8 out of 10
Yay 1st chapter. To begin, this could use a spot of cleaning up. There are a few places that need to be proofread, like punctuation errors and things like that. GO back and read it out loud to yourself, and read it kind of slowly while doing that. It will help you spot mistakes, and even clear up sentences that aren't exactly coherent.
My expertise really lie in the characters and story area (I'm not much on punctuation [I feel like the author can do that stuff]). Now, to begin with, the beginning is pretty bland. It jumps ahead and doesn't really give details as to what is going on. I didn't know I was reading in first person until about half way through. Go back and add a few sentences or paragraphs that explains what is going on. Another thing, it was bland in the aspect that it needs more to happen. Connect with your character, how did he feel during the events of his fathers death, what are his thoughts about his mother being in depression? Even as a young pony, he still would be able to remember something like that, and how he felt. I also felt that way throughout reading it. The part where he is in love with Shining Silver is the only part I felt connected to your character. Give more description about the house they were in, and what were their actions? That's another thing that was kind of lacking. To be honest this felt more like a synopsis rather than an actual story. The setting isn't really well described and will leave some of the readers a little confused about what they should imagine. I am not totally for sure who's house they are in, if it is dash's house, then describe it a little more. The main thing to remember in stories, connect the reader, build the visual in his head how it looks in their head. Characters aren't too big of a deal, because a lot of them are pretty well set up, just remember to keep them in character. Shining Silver could have used a bit more description other than the most beautiful pony ever. I understand that Thunder Twist is madly goo-goo over her, but he could have at least described her luscious mane, her soft sweet eyes that rested upon her head like shining idols. Her coat was as well groomed as ever, not a speck of dirt knew her name. You see? Connecting the characters to the audience, make it visual, make the emotion real. Use similes and other devices, they were invented for a reason. Not only will all of this add so much to this story, it will add so much to every other story you write from now on.
Sorry if this seems a little condescending, I'm kind of treating it like your first fic. This is basic advice I have given many times before, and only once have I ever had to tell someone to tone down the descriptions. There is a fine line in the usage of description, but really as a general rule, one or two sentences for the setting, dedicate a paragraph to characters, and have actions as much as needed. Remember it's your masterpiece you are trying to metaphorically paint with words. The funny thing is, if you were to add all the description to just this first chapter, you would have around five thousand words. That's why I said it jumps around a little much, it makes it hard to follow, but it also makes it hard to imagine.
Anyways, the concept is actually pretty cool, I've actually seen quite a few mother stories lately, and I like the idea. It's got the possibility of being a featured, but it's just lacking so much. I've spent four weeks developing a self insert story, and I've just begun the second chapter. I finally had to end the first, because i felt like maybe I needed to develop an event in detail, something important to the characters psyche that would explain him better.
I wish I had gotten to help you out on this before you finished this, this has such great potential as a story just from the first chapter alone.