A unicorn commando from the war survives the Last Day and finds herself magically transported to one hundred and seventy years later. Her new life in the wasteland is filled with old friends, old monsters, and old villains. Because War Never Changes.
I really dig the cover! I am a bit of a bookworm and a bit picky with what stories that I cling to, so expect me to throw some chapter reviews your way when you reach about 5 chapters and I take a go at your story
>"What, exactly, is a Rad?" Twilight Sparkle looked curiously in the lead lined chamber with six inches of enchanted glass providing a protective viewing environment. I feel like there is some kind of wrongness in this sentence, but I could not point it out.
>"Created by intense expressions of magic. Small amounts are created every time powerful magic is used, but small amounts are not harmful to life. Either I am mistaken or, according to canon, the only source of radiation is balefire? Not that I disagree with you, since I had thoughts in a similar vein, but...
>“I can activate an ability to see the aura of magic. I normally use it to learn spells but I can also see ambient magic. This allows me to see the radiation.” So... “Detect magic”? As is, supposedly unviersal spell for all of arcane minded individuals? Besides, Equestria is magical by itself, there is supposed to be a ton of... ah, I see. Filtering the view and wavelengths, but, even so... huh. That could be blinding.
>“We’re quite lucky to have her. That ability is quite difficult to learn for unicorn without the talent for it.” Why so?! Ugh... well, it depends on the nature of magic and the magical craft itself, but... still, made me wonder.
>I wondered if that was a feature of this fog or the difference in magical radiation from zebra balefire and pony megaspells. One of the weapons of mass destruction designed by zebras, Balefire is a necromancy-enhanced version of dragon fire capable of leveling entire cities if detonated in large enough quantities. Even after the flames have dissipated, necromantic fallout remains, which poisons the lands it comes in contact with, corrupting or outright destroying all life it touches.
Its most common use of balefire was in the infamous Balefire Bombs, but this weapon was originally stored in smaller (non-megaspell) containers called Balefire Eggs, which could be launched from portable launchers. Balefire was also used by Equestria, but the pony version was launched directly from a megaspell chamber and did not require a bomb or missile for delivery (c)wiki
...so... was there that much of a difference? Both sides used balefire. On the other hoof, if you're talking about healing spells...
>I couldn't see any gun windows in the structure. I'm not sure I'm familiar with that term... though I can deduce meaning.
>I grabbed myself in a levitation field and lifted up above the doorway. Advanced TK according to canon, wow.
>At the top of the corner was a room I couldn't reach by hoof. There were two ladders lying about, and I picked one up and stood it where it would get me up. Why not levitate yourself again? You did it earlier, and, at the time, even with earlier feat you didn't show even a small sign of magical exhaustion...
>There were several broken bobby pips and a screwdriver next to it. Picking locks was never something I had tried before, so I stuffed the box away in my saddlebags. Why not break the lock instead? A crowbar or something similar would do. Besides, you're a battlemage, and a good one!
>I narrowed my eyes at him as a bit of anger and embarrassment wore into me. wear1
wɛː/
verb
past tense: wore
1.
have (something) on one's body as clothing, decoration, or protection.
"he was wearing a dark suit" synonyms:
be dressed in, be clothed in, have on, sport; More
habitually have on one's body or be dressed in.
"although she was a widow, she didn't wear black"
exhibit or present (a particular facial expression or appearance).
"they wear a frozen smile on their faces" synonyms:
have (on one's face), present, show, display, exhibit, bear; More
have (one's hair or beard) at a specified length or arranged in a specified style.
"the students wore their hair long"
NAUTICAL
(of a ship) fly (a flag).
"any British registered boat may wear the red ensign"
2.
damage, erode, or destroy by friction or use.
"the track has been worn down in part to bare rock" synonyms:
undergo damage, erosion, or destruction as a result of friction or use.
"mountains are wearing down with each passing second"
form (a hole, path, etc.) by constant friction or use.
"the water was forced up through holes it had worn"
withstand continued use or life in a specified way.
"a carpet that seems to wear well" synonyms:
last, endure, hold up, survive, bear up, keep going, carry on, prove durable, stand/withstand/resist wear, stand up to wear, do;
informalhang in there
"the tyres are wearing well"
3.
literary
pass (a period of time) in some activity.
"spinning long stories, wearing half the day"
4.
BRITISHinformal
tolerate; accept
...Which one is it?
>My barding on the ponnican. ...ponyquin?
>I floated it down to me, staring at it. Why not take both? Why just the sword. Question mark at the end of second sentence, perhaps?
>I should have expected this did not satisfy my frustration. I don't think frustration could be satisfied to be honest. Was there supposed to be another word, mayhap?
>The two earth ponies looked like tartarus Unless we're talking sauce... it's supposed to be with capital letter, right? Tartarus, I mean.It does in wiki...
>Do you know what happened to the ministry mares?” The Ministry Mares were the appointed directors of the six Canterlot Ministries, the various departments that comprised the governing body of pre-war Equestria. Each was representative of one of the six Elements of Harmony.
Capital letters?
>“We was just passing by,” Were?
>“It's me. The slavers are dead.” The door didn't open.
“We heard,” Dancer said.
The door still didn't open. “What's wrong?”
“We're not sure about you anymore.” There was a quiver in her raspy voice.
“I killed ponies who wanted to enslave us. You're unhappy about that?”
“The way you killed them... all that screaming; nopony should die that way. No good pony should kill that way.”
*loud laugh* That's... unbelievable reaction. You don't get too picky in the Wasteland. Screams are norm, setting things on fire is norm. It's not like she got to some kind of torture porn... well, except for ghouls, but... hey, that couple ain't squaky clean too. Oh well. Bastards.
Ah, Level 29, I see. Quite the experienced mare, adept at magic, and, somewhat, in HtH combat we got here... tis fine. We'll see how it goes.
My main concern is the flow of text. While overall it's fine I find some hiccups from time to time, as well as overall vagueness, which makes text a bit more hard to swallow. Slang is also nice, but not when you're in need to delve into vocabulary every ten to fifteen minutes or so.
Also, the protag is basically emotionless according to the text. Oh, sure, she got a couple of moments, but the description of those is, to put it mildly, lacking. I mean, sure, show don't tell, but there is not that much showing to begin with! Eh, could've been worse.
8832773 Well, this is my first bit of significant feedback. Thank you.
What is a Rad - Fixed.
Definition of a Rad - The original is distinctly unclear and unspecific about details on radiation, only that it was a result of megaspells. I'm trying to establish more detail about magical radiation.
Detect Magic - The way I'm using it, the strength of the magic determines the brightness, but it still only ranges like regular light. An area absent of magic would be pitch black, while an area rich in magic would be well lit. Watching a megaspell go off and you have the same result as if you watched a nuke explode. Only... magically? But yes, Equestria is almost entirely well lit. - Magic Aura Sight is, in this world as I see it, not a particularly useful spell. It's use against zebra magic is limited (kinda like being able to see Russian words in the English alphabet; you still don't know what the words mean), and it's not very useful in Equestrian society. Hmm... it's only moderately difficult, though. I might change that sentence.
Balefire - While it could be used by ponies, Balefire was originally made by the zebra, which is why Ruby refers to it as such. Not all pony megaspells are balefire, and I like to think that very few of them were, in fact, balefire. Due to the nature of Balefire being completely different from pony magic she is hypothesizing that as a reason for the fog.
Advanced TK - Or, pre-war refined TK and that knowledge was lost? Kinda. Minor spoiler, somewhere along the way Ruby's going to explain why TK from FoE and Project Horizons are both canon in this story. (In case you don't remember or haven't read PH: In FoE TK basically couldn't apply force. If you hit something with an item held by TK, it wouldn't have any force, thus wouldn't hurt. PH does not do this at all, you can use TK to bash stuff with other stuff.)
Picking Locks - She doesn't believe anything pressing or immediately useful inside, is in a bit a hurry, is still trying to be undetected, but is still curious because of the note.
Wore - 2. 2.
Ponyquin - Hmm, I remember researching that, I don't know how I messed it up. Fixed.
Why just the sword? - Fixed.
Frustration - How about: I should have expected this did not remedy my frustration.
Tartarus - hmm, I'm trying to have her use it like we would use hell, and we don't capitalize that when used as such. I think it's a problem with writing in a culture that doesn't exist and thus doesn't care about our grammar.
Ministry Mares - Yes.
We was - Dialogue is the place where grammar takes a back seat. Many people, especially in a place lacking in formal education, don't speak correctly. Hopefully, my portrayal of this doesn't cause misunderstandings. Like Calamity in the original. Don't worry, more on that later.
Dancer's Door - Really, they never wanted to interact with Ruby in the first place, and they just used this as an excuse. Also, Ruby basically fed the slaver to the ghouls, so he was eaten alive. Or ripped apart, if you don't think feral ghouls eat.
8832773 Sorry for double response, I hit post early by accident.
Level 29 - Yeah, she's been in the war for ten years, and literally walked into the wasteland from that, so there was no explainable reason as to why she wouldn't be a high level. I'm well aware of the issues of writing with a powerful protagonist, especially one who is powerful from the beginning. I've spent a lot of thought on how to make that not a problem.
Flow - Hmm, my only concept of flow is my own, and without a pre-reader of any kind I can only try to expand my understanding of it. I do know that I'm sometimes vague about things that aren't going to matter in the story but I feel help set a scene or contribute to the overall feel. I'll try to work on vagueness overall. I'll try to keep slang out of Ruby's language (outside of some military slang, maybe) but it will have to stay in dialogue because, well, that's what slang is all about. Unfortunately, I'm not always aware of what is slang, since I haven't read a dictionary cover to cover (I've tried, it's hard). I will try to minimize slang when it doesn't contribute in some way (such as to characterization).
Emotion - Perhaps I'm doing a poor job of showing it, but I am meaning for Ruby to be in a kinda 'shell-shocked' mindset right now. She just going through the motions of surviving because her whole world just died. She isn't freezing up or dwelling on it because she's handled ten years of war so far, but really she's pushing all of her emotion out because she just can't handle anything right now. Part of me wants to go back and edit this and all kinds of things that I keep thinking should have been in what I've already published, but I've been holding back, mostly because of not wanting to make people re-read whole chapters to find the two changed paragraphs. I think what I'll do (for big changes that are more than just grammar or word use) is edit the G-docs file and when the changes are big enough, repost the chapter.
To see her more regularly, and learn she was everything I had believed, was exciting, but the fear of disappointing her was just as strong.
Reminds me of the time Twilight had a panic fest when she was "tardy"
As long as you don't go full Gollum Ruby I think you'll be ok
I realized she knew who I was and struggled to not smile too much while I explained. “I can activate an ability to see the aura of magic. I normally use it to learn spells but I can also see ambient magic. This allows me to see the radiation.”
Just curious but have you read Fallout Equestria: Commonwealth by crazyperson? It's a good read I highly recommend it. It has similar beginnings to your story, as well as Fallout 4, but it has some great differences. Just curious cause your story reminded me of it a bit.
a disappointing reminder that Meadowsweet might have even been among those ransacking this place. No, that wasn't right
Quite telling that her first thought was to assume the worst of Meadowsweet.
“You want to kill them, don't you?”
Oh, that's a surprising turn of events in this scenario. Usually it's straight to violence. Though given the person Ruby's talking to, I see the reason this would be a conversation necessary to have.
“I'm all that's left. All five of you died in the Crystal City. The five of you went to that city on the Last Day of Equestria and you died.”
Looks like we're dealing with more here than the standard time travel fare!
“Oh, no, please, you gotta help me. I'll never be able to run-” I lifted him up, drawing a gaspy yelp.
“I know.”
I suppose Ruby's actions against the slavers this whole scene make sense, logically for her character. What made me feel uneasy with her character at this point, however, was perhaps what exactly was the emotional arc at this point. Ruby deals with a lot of earth-shattering revelations and encounters this chapter. She's clearly still in a state of shock at what she's finding in the wasteland and operating on instinct. But she's also strolling up to a group of slavers and declaring her intention to kill them all, topping it off with that nonchalant line and execution of the survivor she interrogated. What I mean to say is that I'm not yet understanding the mind and emotions of the protagonist yet.
The pony before me was no longer the mare I loved.
The physical description is pretty visceral. And despite what I said about the emotional arc of Ruby, this moment was handled well.
And with that, the journey proper can begin. As an introduction, these two chapters have accomplished what they should've. Though I think Ruby's personal relationships should've been expanded more. There's now substantial points of interest and intrigue to make it worthwhile to follow Ruby's story.
I really dig the cover! I am a bit of a bookworm and a bit picky with what stories that I cling to, so expect me to throw some chapter reviews your way when you reach about 5 chapters and I take a go at your story
8691551
Nemo2d is amazing.
I'm looking forward to it.
>"What, exactly, is a Rad?" Twilight Sparkle looked curiously in the lead lined chamber with six inches of enchanted glass providing a protective viewing environment.
I feel like there is some kind of wrongness in this sentence, but I could not point it out.
>"Created by intense expressions of magic. Small amounts are created every time powerful magic is used, but small amounts are not harmful to life.
Either I am mistaken or, according to canon, the only source of radiation is balefire? Not that I disagree with you, since I had thoughts in a similar vein, but...
>“I can activate an ability to see the aura of magic. I normally use it to learn spells but I can also see ambient magic. This allows me to see the radiation.”
So... “Detect magic”? As is, supposedly unviersal spell for all of arcane minded individuals? Besides, Equestria is magical by itself, there is supposed to be a ton of... ah, I see. Filtering the view and wavelengths, but, even so... huh. That could be blinding.
>“We’re quite lucky to have her. That ability is quite difficult to learn for unicorn without the talent for it.”
Why so?! Ugh... well, it depends on the nature of magic and the magical craft itself, but... still, made me wonder.
>I wondered if that was a feature of this fog or the difference in magical radiation from zebra balefire and pony megaspells.
One of the weapons of mass destruction designed by zebras, Balefire is a necromancy-enhanced version of dragon fire capable of leveling entire cities if detonated in large enough quantities. Even after the flames have dissipated, necromantic fallout remains, which poisons the lands it comes in contact with, corrupting or outright destroying all life it touches.
Its most common use of balefire was in the infamous Balefire Bombs, but this weapon was originally stored in smaller (non-megaspell) containers called Balefire Eggs, which could be launched from portable launchers. Balefire was also used by Equestria, but the pony version was launched directly from a megaspell chamber and did not require a bomb or missile for delivery
(c)wiki
...so... was there that much of a difference? Both sides used balefire. On the other hoof, if you're talking about healing spells...
>I couldn't see any gun windows in the structure.
I'm not sure I'm familiar with that term... though I can deduce meaning.
>I grabbed myself in a levitation field and lifted up above the doorway.
Advanced TK according to canon, wow.
>At the top of the corner was a room I couldn't reach by hoof. There were two ladders lying about, and I picked one up and stood it where it would get me up.
Why not levitate yourself again? You did it earlier, and, at the time, even with earlier feat you didn't show even a small sign of magical exhaustion...
>There were several broken bobby pips and a screwdriver next to it. Picking locks was never something I had tried before, so I stuffed the box away in my saddlebags.
Why not break the lock instead? A crowbar or something similar would do. Besides, you're a battlemage, and a good one!
>I narrowed my eyes at him as a bit of anger and embarrassment wore into me.
wear1
wɛː/
verb
past tense: wore
1.
have (something) on one's body as clothing, decoration, or protection.
"he was wearing a dark suit"
synonyms:
be dressed in, be clothed in, have on, sport; More
habitually have on one's body or be dressed in.
"although she was a widow, she didn't wear black"
exhibit or present (a particular facial expression or appearance).
"they wear a frozen smile on their faces"
synonyms:
have (on one's face), present, show, display, exhibit, bear; More
have (one's hair or beard) at a specified length or arranged in a specified style.
"the students wore their hair long"
NAUTICAL
(of a ship) fly (a flag).
"any British registered boat may wear the red ensign"
2.
damage, erode, or destroy by friction or use.
"the track has been worn down in part to bare rock"
synonyms:
erode, abrade, scour, scratch, scrape, rasp, rub away, rub down, grind away, fret, waste away, wash away, crumble (away), wear down; More
undergo damage, erosion, or destruction as a result of friction or use.
"mountains are wearing down with each passing second"
form (a hole, path, etc.) by constant friction or use.
"the water was forced up through holes it had worn"
withstand continued use or life in a specified way.
"a carpet that seems to wear well"
synonyms:
last, endure, hold up, survive, bear up, keep going, carry on, prove durable, stand/withstand/resist wear, stand up to wear, do;
informalhang in there
"the tyres are wearing well"
3.
literary
pass (a period of time) in some activity.
"spinning long stories, wearing half the day"
4.
BRITISHinformal
tolerate; accept
...Which one is it?
>My barding on the ponnican.
...ponyquin?
>I floated it down to me, staring at it. Why not take both? Why just the sword.
Question mark at the end of second sentence, perhaps?
>I should have expected this did not satisfy my frustration.
I don't think frustration could be satisfied to be honest. Was there supposed to be another word, mayhap?
>The two earth ponies looked like tartarus
Unless we're talking sauce... it's supposed to be with capital letter, right? Tartarus, I mean.It does in wiki...
>Do you know what happened to the ministry mares?”
The Ministry Mares were the appointed directors of the six Canterlot Ministries, the various departments that comprised the governing body of pre-war Equestria. Each was representative of one of the six Elements of Harmony.
Capital letters?
>“We was just passing by,”
Were?
>“It's me. The slavers are dead.” The door didn't open.
“We heard,” Dancer said.
The door still didn't open. “What's wrong?”
“We're not sure about you anymore.” There was a quiver in her raspy voice.
“I killed ponies who wanted to enslave us. You're unhappy about that?”
“The way you killed them... all that screaming; nopony should die that way. No good pony should kill that way.”
*loud laugh* That's... unbelievable reaction. You don't get too picky in the Wasteland. Screams are norm, setting things on fire is norm. It's not like she got to some kind of torture porn... well, except for ghouls, but... hey, that couple ain't squaky clean too. Oh well. Bastards.
Ah, Level 29, I see. Quite the experienced mare, adept at magic, and, somewhat, in HtH combat we got here... tis fine. We'll see how it goes.
My main concern is the flow of text. While overall it's fine I find some hiccups from time to time, as well as overall vagueness, which makes text a bit more hard to swallow. Slang is also nice, but not when you're in need to delve into vocabulary every ten to fifteen minutes or so.
Also, the protag is basically emotionless according to the text. Oh, sure, she got a couple of moments, but the description of those is, to put it mildly, lacking. I mean, sure, show don't tell, but there is not that much showing to begin with! Eh, could've been worse.
8832773
Well, this is my first bit of significant feedback. Thank you.
What is a Rad - Fixed.
Definition of a Rad - The original is distinctly unclear and unspecific about details on radiation, only that it was a result of megaspells.
I'm trying to establish more detail about magical radiation.
Detect Magic - The way I'm using it, the strength of the magic determines the brightness, but it still only ranges like regular light. An area absent of magic would be pitch black, while an area rich in magic would be well lit. Watching a megaspell go off and you have the same result as if you watched a nuke explode. Only... magically? But yes, Equestria is almost entirely well lit.
- Magic Aura Sight is, in this world as I see it, not a particularly useful spell. It's use against zebra magic is limited (kinda like being able to see Russian words in the English alphabet; you still don't know what the words mean), and it's not very useful in Equestrian society. Hmm... it's only moderately difficult, though. I might change that sentence.
Balefire - While it could be used by ponies, Balefire was originally made by the zebra, which is why Ruby refers to it as such.
Not all pony megaspells are balefire, and I like to think that very few of them were, in fact, balefire. Due to the nature of Balefire being completely different from pony magic she is hypothesizing that as a reason for the fog.
Advanced TK - Or, pre-war refined TK and that knowledge was lost? Kinda. Minor spoiler, somewhere along the way Ruby's going to explain why TK from FoE and Project Horizons are both canon in this story. (In case you don't remember or haven't read PH: In FoE TK basically couldn't apply force. If you hit something with an item held by TK, it wouldn't have any force, thus wouldn't hurt. PH does not do this at all, you can use TK to bash stuff with other stuff.)
Picking Locks - She doesn't believe anything pressing or immediately useful inside, is in a bit a hurry, is still trying to be undetected, but is still curious because of the note.
Wore - 2. 2.
Ponyquin - Hmm, I remember researching that, I don't know how I messed it up. Fixed.
Why just the sword? - Fixed.
Frustration - How about: I should have expected this did not remedy my frustration.
Tartarus - hmm, I'm trying to have her use it like we would use hell, and we don't capitalize that when used as such. I think it's a problem with writing in a culture that doesn't exist and thus doesn't care about our grammar.
Ministry Mares - Yes.
We was - Dialogue is the place where grammar takes a back seat. Many people, especially in a place lacking in formal education, don't speak correctly. Hopefully, my portrayal of this doesn't cause misunderstandings.
Like Calamity in the original. Don't worry, more on that later.
Dancer's Door - Really, they never wanted to interact with Ruby in the first place, and they just used this as an excuse.
Also, Ruby basically fed the slaver to the ghouls, so he was eaten alive. Or ripped apart, if you don't think feral ghouls eat.
8832773
Sorry for double response, I hit post early by accident.
Level 29 - Yeah, she's been in the war for ten years, and literally walked into the wasteland from that, so there was no explainable reason as to why she wouldn't be a high level.
I'm well aware of the issues of writing with a powerful protagonist, especially one who is powerful from the beginning. I've spent a lot of thought on how to make that not a problem.
Flow - Hmm, my only concept of flow is my own, and without a pre-reader of any kind I can only try to expand my understanding of it. I do know that I'm sometimes vague about things that aren't going to matter in the story but I feel help set a scene or contribute to the overall feel. I'll try to work on vagueness overall.
I'll try to keep slang out of Ruby's language (outside of some military slang, maybe) but it will have to stay in dialogue because, well, that's what slang is all about. Unfortunately, I'm not always aware of what is slang, since I haven't read a dictionary cover to cover (I've tried, it's hard). I will try to minimize slang when it doesn't contribute in some way (such as to characterization).
Emotion - Perhaps I'm doing a poor job of showing it, but I am meaning for Ruby to be in a kinda 'shell-shocked' mindset right now. She just going through the motions of surviving because her whole world just died. She isn't freezing up or dwelling on it because she's handled ten years of war so far, but really she's pushing all of her emotion out because she just can't handle anything right now.
Part of me wants to go back and edit this and all kinds of things that I keep thinking should have been in what I've already published, but I've been holding back, mostly because of not wanting to make people re-read whole chapters to find the two changed paragraphs.
I think what I'll do (for big changes that are more than just grammar or word use) is edit the G-docs file and when the changes are big enough, repost the chapter.
Reminds me of the time Twilight had a panic fest when she was "tardy"
As long as you don't go full Gollum Ruby I think you'll be ok
Neat
Yup
This mare is brutal!!
I LIKE IT!!
Just curious but have you read Fallout Equestria: Commonwealth by crazyperson?
It's a good read I highly recommend it. It has similar beginnings to your story, as well as Fallout 4, but it has some great differences.
Just curious cause your story reminded me of it a bit.
9176393
Is that the 1.5 million word beast? I have not. I think it's on my Read later list.
Quite telling that her first thought was to assume the worst of Meadowsweet.
Oh, that's a surprising turn of events in this scenario. Usually it's straight to violence. Though given the person Ruby's talking to, I see the reason this would be a conversation necessary to have.
Looks like we're dealing with more here than the standard time travel fare!
I suppose Ruby's actions against the slavers this whole scene make sense, logically for her character. What made me feel uneasy with her character at this point, however, was perhaps what exactly was the emotional arc at this point. Ruby deals with a lot of earth-shattering revelations and encounters this chapter. She's clearly still in a state of shock at what she's finding in the wasteland and operating on instinct. But she's also strolling up to a group of slavers and declaring her intention to kill them all, topping it off with that nonchalant line and execution of the survivor she interrogated. What I mean to say is that I'm not yet understanding the mind and emotions of the protagonist yet.
The physical description is pretty visceral. And despite what I said about the emotional arc of Ruby, this moment was handled well.
And with that, the journey proper can begin. As an introduction, these two chapters have accomplished what they should've. Though I think Ruby's personal relationships should've been expanded more. There's now substantial points of interest and intrigue to make it worthwhile to follow Ruby's story.