- Member Since 3rd Feb, 2012
- offline last seen April 8th
krdragon
Well, I'm just a humble aspiring writer who happens to be a brony.
krdragon
Joined 3rd Feb, 2012 ·
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I really dig the cover! I am a bit of a bookworm and a bit picky with what stories that I cling to, so expect me to throw some chapter reviews your way when you reach about 5 chapters and I take a go at your story
8691551
Nemo2d is amazing.
I'm looking forward to it.
Meow... I smell Fallout... Fallout yeh! Boi!
I often wonder just where the raiders get all these victims for... decoration. Both here and in game. It’s not like there are easily siegeable settlements of large people for every single raider camp. Traders and wanderers couldn’t be that plentiful, right?
Anyway, good fight sequences. Got that good blend between pacing and none of that “freeze the world so we can talk” shananagins.
8731985
It might make you happy, but these particular victims do get explained later. In general and in detail.
Oh, and thank you.
as a fan of fallout I can say one thing:
Fallout: Equestria is stupid
The Rust Rebels must be the Echoes equivalent of the Rust Devils if I had to guess, so, do they also have the brains to use robots or not? Or are they just gonna send half-naked ponies armed with baseball bats and switchblades infront of fully-automatic .45 fire?
8768168
You'll find out soon, but they only reference Rust Devils in name. In reality, they're a lot more like gunners, but they are not raiders. Everypony makes the distinction between bandits and raiders, and it's an important one. Bandits you can pay off or even hire. You might even walk into their camp and sell stuff.
Raider just kill you. Always kill you. Never not killing you.
8768399
Ah, really nice to know we get to see a more in-depth look at 'enemy' factions, unlike other fanfictions or games where they are just cannon-fodder for the bad guys or reskinned/rewritten raiders.
8768399
And a few other things... before and after killing you
Yo let's go~
A pity Ruby didn't wait for those reenforcements. They could have waylayed Big Iron on the retreat. Also, that’s some dark memory stuff. Reminds me a lot of what the flood did to captain Keyes.
8799004
The reinforcements weren't sent to this fort, they were sent to prepare to attack Ironshod, which is where Ruby is going next. Sorry if that wasn't clear enough.
8832383
De nada.
It seems like fear itself stared at those arrows, not raider.
I see, being a non-native English speaker that could be hard to understand.
Hm... okay, I could get it.
At least something out of it, I guess.)
>"What, exactly, is a Rad?" Twilight Sparkle looked curiously in the lead lined chamber with six inches of enchanted glass providing a protective viewing environment.
I feel like there is some kind of wrongness in this sentence, but I could not point it out.
>"Created by intense expressions of magic. Small amounts are created every time powerful magic is used, but small amounts are not harmful to life.
Either I am mistaken or, according to canon, the only source of radiation is balefire? Not that I disagree with you, since I had thoughts in a similar vein, but...
>“I can activate an ability to see the aura of magic. I normally use it to learn spells but I can also see ambient magic. This allows me to see the radiation.”
So... “Detect magic”? As is, supposedly unviersal spell for all of arcane minded individuals? Besides, Equestria is magical by itself, there is supposed to be a ton of... ah, I see. Filtering the view and wavelengths, but, even so... huh. That could be blinding.
>“We’re quite lucky to have her. That ability is quite difficult to learn for unicorn without the talent for it.”
Why so?! Ugh... well, it depends on the nature of magic and the magical craft itself, but... still, made me wonder.
>I wondered if that was a feature of this fog or the difference in magical radiation from zebra balefire and pony megaspells.
One of the weapons of mass destruction designed by zebras, Balefire is a necromancy-enhanced version of dragon fire capable of leveling entire cities if detonated in large enough quantities. Even after the flames have dissipated, necromantic fallout remains, which poisons the lands it comes in contact with, corrupting or outright destroying all life it touches.
Its most common use of balefire was in the infamous Balefire Bombs, but this weapon was originally stored in smaller (non-megaspell) containers called Balefire Eggs, which could be launched from portable launchers. Balefire was also used by Equestria, but the pony version was launched directly from a megaspell chamber and did not require a bomb or missile for delivery
(c)wiki
...so... was there that much of a difference? Both sides used balefire. On the other hoof, if you're talking about healing spells...
>I couldn't see any gun windows in the structure.
I'm not sure I'm familiar with that term... though I can deduce meaning.
>I grabbed myself in a levitation field and lifted up above the doorway.
Advanced TK according to canon, wow.
>At the top of the corner was a room I couldn't reach by hoof. There were two ladders lying about, and I picked one up and stood it where it would get me up.
Why not levitate yourself again? You did it earlier, and, at the time, even with earlier feat you didn't show even a small sign of magical exhaustion...
>There were several broken bobby pips and a screwdriver next to it. Picking locks was never something I had tried before, so I stuffed the box away in my saddlebags.
Why not break the lock instead? A crowbar or something similar would do. Besides, you're a battlemage, and a good one!
>I narrowed my eyes at him as a bit of anger and embarrassment wore into me.
wear1
wɛː/
verb
past tense: wore
1.
have (something) on one's body as clothing, decoration, or protection.
"he was wearing a dark suit"
synonyms:
be dressed in, be clothed in, have on, sport; More
habitually have on one's body or be dressed in.
"although she was a widow, she didn't wear black"
exhibit or present (a particular facial expression or appearance).
"they wear a frozen smile on their faces"
synonyms:
have (on one's face), present, show, display, exhibit, bear; More
have (one's hair or beard) at a specified length or arranged in a specified style.
"the students wore their hair long"
NAUTICAL
(of a ship) fly (a flag).
"any British registered boat may wear the red ensign"
2.
damage, erode, or destroy by friction or use.
"the track has been worn down in part to bare rock"
synonyms:
erode, abrade, scour, scratch, scrape, rasp, rub away, rub down, grind away, fret, waste away, wash away, crumble (away), wear down; More
undergo damage, erosion, or destruction as a result of friction or use.
"mountains are wearing down with each passing second"
form (a hole, path, etc.) by constant friction or use.
"the water was forced up through holes it had worn"
withstand continued use or life in a specified way.
"a carpet that seems to wear well"
synonyms:
last, endure, hold up, survive, bear up, keep going, carry on, prove durable, stand/withstand/resist wear, stand up to wear, do;
informalhang in there
"the tyres are wearing well"
3.
literary
pass (a period of time) in some activity.
"spinning long stories, wearing half the day"
4.
BRITISHinformal
tolerate; accept
...Which one is it?
>My barding on the ponnican.
...ponyquin?
>I floated it down to me, staring at it. Why not take both? Why just the sword.
Question mark at the end of second sentence, perhaps?
>I should have expected this did not satisfy my frustration.
I don't think frustration could be satisfied to be honest. Was there supposed to be another word, mayhap?
>The two earth ponies looked like tartarus
Unless we're talking sauce... it's supposed to be with capital letter, right? Tartarus, I mean.It does in wiki...
>Do you know what happened to the ministry mares?”
The Ministry Mares were the appointed directors of the six Canterlot Ministries, the various departments that comprised the governing body of pre-war Equestria. Each was representative of one of the six Elements of Harmony.
Capital letters?
>“We was just passing by,”
Were?
>“It's me. The slavers are dead.” The door didn't open.
“We heard,” Dancer said.
The door still didn't open. “What's wrong?”
“We're not sure about you anymore.” There was a quiver in her raspy voice.
“I killed ponies who wanted to enslave us. You're unhappy about that?”
“The way you killed them... all that screaming; nopony should die that way. No good pony should kill that way.”
*loud laugh* That's... unbelievable reaction. You don't get too picky in the Wasteland. Screams are norm, setting things on fire is norm. It's not like she got to some kind of torture porn... well, except for ghouls, but... hey, that couple ain't squaky clean too. Oh well. Bastards.
Ah, Level 29, I see. Quite the experienced mare, adept at magic, and, somewhat, in HtH combat we got here... tis fine. We'll see how it goes.
My main concern is the flow of text. While overall it's fine I find some hiccups from time to time, as well as overall vagueness, which makes text a bit more hard to swallow. Slang is also nice, but not when you're in need to delve into vocabulary every ten to fifteen minutes or so.
Also, the protag is basically emotionless according to the text. Oh, sure, she got a couple of moments, but the description of those is, to put it mildly, lacking. I mean, sure, show don't tell, but there is not that much showing to begin with! Eh, could've been worse.
This chapter is a lot easier to read, unlike the other two. No major mishaps either. Slick, slim, nice.
8832773
Well, this is my first bit of significant feedback. Thank you.
What is a Rad - Fixed.
Definition of a Rad - The original is distinctly unclear and unspecific about details on radiation, only that it was a result of megaspells.
I'm trying to establish more detail about magical radiation.
Detect Magic - The way I'm using it, the strength of the magic determines the brightness, but it still only ranges like regular light. An area absent of magic would be pitch black, while an area rich in magic would be well lit. Watching a megaspell go off and you have the same result as if you watched a nuke explode. Only... magically? But yes, Equestria is almost entirely well lit.
- Magic Aura Sight is, in this world as I see it, not a particularly useful spell. It's use against zebra magic is limited (kinda like being able to see Russian words in the English alphabet; you still don't know what the words mean), and it's not very useful in Equestrian society. Hmm... it's only moderately difficult, though. I might change that sentence.
Balefire - While it could be used by ponies, Balefire was originally made by the zebra, which is why Ruby refers to it as such.
Not all pony megaspells are balefire, and I like to think that very few of them were, in fact, balefire. Due to the nature of Balefire being completely different from pony magic she is hypothesizing that as a reason for the fog.
Advanced TK - Or, pre-war refined TK and that knowledge was lost? Kinda. Minor spoiler, somewhere along the way Ruby's going to explain why TK from FoE and Project Horizons are both canon in this story. (In case you don't remember or haven't read PH: In FoE TK basically couldn't apply force. If you hit something with an item held by TK, it wouldn't have any force, thus wouldn't hurt. PH does not do this at all, you can use TK to bash stuff with other stuff.)
Picking Locks - She doesn't believe anything pressing or immediately useful inside, is in a bit a hurry, is still trying to be undetected, but is still curious because of the note.
Wore - 2. 2.
Ponyquin - Hmm, I remember researching that, I don't know how I messed it up. Fixed.
Why just the sword? - Fixed.
Frustration - How about: I should have expected this did not remedy my frustration.
Tartarus - hmm, I'm trying to have her use it like we would use hell, and we don't capitalize that when used as such. I think it's a problem with writing in a culture that doesn't exist and thus doesn't care about our grammar.
Ministry Mares - Yes.
We was - Dialogue is the place where grammar takes a back seat. Many people, especially in a place lacking in formal education, don't speak correctly. Hopefully, my portrayal of this doesn't cause misunderstandings.
Like Calamity in the original. Don't worry, more on that later.
Dancer's Door - Really, they never wanted to interact with Ruby in the first place, and they just used this as an excuse.
Also, Ruby basically fed the slaver to the ghouls, so he was eaten alive. Or ripped apart, if you don't think feral ghouls eat.
8832773
Sorry for double response, I hit post early by accident.
Level 29 - Yeah, she's been in the war for ten years, and literally walked into the wasteland from that, so there was no explainable reason as to why she wouldn't be a high level.
I'm well aware of the issues of writing with a powerful protagonist, especially one who is powerful from the beginning. I've spent a lot of thought on how to make that not a problem.
Flow - Hmm, my only concept of flow is my own, and without a pre-reader of any kind I can only try to expand my understanding of it. I do know that I'm sometimes vague about things that aren't going to matter in the story but I feel help set a scene or contribute to the overall feel. I'll try to work on vagueness overall.
I'll try to keep slang out of Ruby's language (outside of some military slang, maybe) but it will have to stay in dialogue because, well, that's what slang is all about. Unfortunately, I'm not always aware of what is slang, since I haven't read a dictionary cover to cover (I've tried, it's hard). I will try to minimize slang when it doesn't contribute in some way (such as to characterization).
Emotion - Perhaps I'm doing a poor job of showing it, but I am meaning for Ruby to be in a kinda 'shell-shocked' mindset right now. She just going through the motions of surviving because her whole world just died. She isn't freezing up or dwelling on it because she's handled ten years of war so far, but really she's pushing all of her emotion out because she just can't handle anything right now.
Part of me wants to go back and edit this and all kinds of things that I keep thinking should have been in what I've already published, but I've been holding back, mostly because of not wanting to make people re-read whole chapters to find the two changed paragraphs.
I think what I'll do (for big changes that are more than just grammar or word use) is edit the G-docs file and when the changes are big enough, repost the chapter.
8833054
>Well, this is my first bit of significant feedback. Thank you.
As I've said earlier, de nada, not a problem.)
>Detect Magic - The way I'm using it, the strength of the magic determines the brightness, but it still only ranges like regular light. An area absent of magic would be pitch black, while an area rich in magic would be well lit. Watching a megaspell go off and you have the same result as if you watched a nuke explode. Only... magically? But yes, Equestria is almost entirely well lit.
Glad we agree on that.
>- Magic Aura Sight is, in this world as I see it, not a particularly useful spell. It's use against zebra magic is limited (kinda like being able to see Russian words in the English alphabet; you still don't know what the words mean), and it's not very useful in Equestrian society. Hmm... it's only moderately difficult, though. I might change that sentence.
Well, I like your example, albeit since she was a part of MAS at some point and they had opportunities to study their magic I'd say it's still like seeing Russian words(It's fun to say being a Russian myself) without knowing underlying language system but with rudimentary knowledge of what several of those words mean.
>Balefire - While it could be used by ponies, Balefire was originally made by the zebra, which is why Ruby refers to it as such.
Not all pony megaspells are balefire, and I like to think that very few of them were, in fact, balefire. Due to the nature of Balefire being completely different from pony magic she is hypothesizing that as a reason for the fog.
I see, thank you. Well, it's still considered that most destructive spells were infused with balefire. Hm. Which is kinda weird.
>Minor spoiler, somewhere along the way Ruby's going to explain why TK from FoE and Project Horizons are both canon in this story. (In case you don't remember or haven't read PH: In FoE TK basically couldn't apply force. If you hit something with an item held by TK, it wouldn't have any force, thus wouldn't hurt. PH does not do this at all, you can use TK to bash stuff with other stuff.)
Oh, okay. Well, BJ gone to such lengths that I'm tempted to call it School of Force rather than just TK to be honest. SoF, well... think D&D magic missiles and Wall of Force. That kind of thing.
>Picking Locks - She doesn't believe anything pressing or immediately useful inside, is in a bit a hurry, is still trying to be undetected, but is still curious because of the note.
She could have open it up at the Station.
>Frustration - How about: I should have expected this did not remedy my frustration.
Yes, that sounds better.
>Tartarus - hmm, I'm trying to have her use it like we would use hell, and we don't capitalize that when used as such. I think it's a problem with writing in a culture that doesn't exist and thus doesn't care about our grammar.
I see, got it, fair enough, albeit in canon there was pony hell mentioned, I believe.
>Hopefully, my portrayal of this doesn't cause misunderstandings.
Like Calamity in the original. Don't worry, more on that later.
It didn't. Calamity simply got a southern accent, I believe, nothing more. I've saw quite a few accents portrayed, but in this particular example I've wondered is that truly an accent or just a mistake.
>Dancer's Door - Really, they never wanted to interact with Ruby in the first place, and they just used this as an excuse.
Also, Ruby basically fed the slaver to the ghouls, so he was eaten alive. Or ripped apart, if you don't think feral ghouls eat.
Ah, I see. Fair enough. As for ferals, well, they could despite not having necessity to do so, it's more of a matter of corrupted instincts and madness.
>Sorry for double response, I hit post early by accident.
Merely a slight mishap, nothing to worry about, though you could simply edit previous message.
>Level 29 - Yeah, she's been in the war for ten years, and literally walked into the wasteland from that, so there was no explainable reason as to why she wouldn't be a high level.
I'm well aware of the issues of writing with a powerful protagonist, especially one who is powerful from the beginning. I've spent a lot of thought on how to make thatnota problem.
Then you have common sense and more than a little bit of foresight? I think that's the word.
I'm not a fan of levels these days, but, eh, whatever floats your boat.)
>I will try to minimize slang when it doesn't contribute in some way (such as to characterization).
No, you see, the slang itself isn't a problem, it's more in the lines of, well... you have used such phrases and words which I have never encountered. Maybe some of them are from your region which I'm unfamiliar with, so that's how the problem goes.
>I think what I'll do (for big changes that are more than just grammar or word use) is edit the G-docs file and when the changes are big enough, repost the chapter.
Edit earlier chapters when you got more experience, as in more chapters written already, more than at the current moment anyhow.
8834364
M.A.S. - She Never actually was in the M.A.S. The Ministries were made after Littlehorn, and that was when she joined the army. She worked in a regular magical research group, perhaps funded or at least supported by Princess Celestia, and the group probably transitioned into the M.A.S. with little issue. More on her knowledge of zebra magic later, though it's importance is minimal (not much zebra magic outside of balefire is going to appear in my story, though I am treating zebra magic as though it acts like it does in Project Horizons and Homelands).
Picking Locks - She forgot. Note: Not I forgot, but she forgot.
Levels - Well, the levels are just a homage to the original story. They don't really mean much, but they give some concrete understanding of Ruby's abilities. A bit of tell, I guess.
That, and when she reaches level 30, who knows what will happen.
8834472
Well, she was with TS and SG, so you could say... besides, Trottingheimer was after the Ministries... okay, let's consider her auxilary and be done with that.
Hmm... could you remind me PH stance on zebra magic?
Got it.
Well... levels give HP and skillpoints which, in turn, could be spent on a variety of different things. Also, perks. It's not that bad of idea to stat character up to be honest, at least you yourself as an author is gonna know what your character is capable of.
Lvl 30 and "who knows"... hmm, intrigue, I like it.)
8834659
The way I interpret the development of arcane science and the timeline of the Ministries is like this:
-Arcane Science grows as thing in general, but requires significant power to develop and use, thus making a need for coal. Independent research develops (what Ruby was involved in)
-The war starts, at first small but growing like a untended fire. Ruby is still with independent research. I'm also sure that Trottingheimer was entering the field during this time, possibly before Ruby, but his age is unclear so I can't be sure (I'm treating him as being in his 40s on the Last Day
-Littlehorn happens. Celestia resigns, Luna takes over, Ruby joins the army, and soon after the Ministries are created.
-The Battlemages are created a few months to a year later, shortly after the Shadowbolts (what I consider to be Rainbow Dash's first act and Ministry Mare of Awesome). The Battlemages, due to their high level of magical competency, are occasionally utilized by the M.A.S., but are foremost a military unit.
Zebra Magic per PH - Shamanistic and Spirit based. A zebra shaman asks spirits (ranging from local elemental spirits to massive, 'hardly understand the concept of mortals' spirits) to do things for them. It's barely touched on in PH, but goes super into detail in Homelands (Scotch Tape's adventure after PH ends, she goes to the Zebra homeland with several other fillies.)
Zebra (and I'm going with most other things that use magic, such as my deer) basically ask the spirits to help them. Pony magic (even earth and pegasi) basically tell spirits to get out of the way while ponies do it themselves.
8834893
I'm not sure about coal part, though. Why would AS need it? I mean, sure, they could, but... oh, I guess we disregard canon in terms of them having hydro electrical station and such. Not that Celestias school for gifted unicorns needed that either... but I digress.
Battlemages seems to be overkill, but I understand why you've stated that there weren't that much of them due to a number of factors. As far as I can see it, they were just a little bit below alicorns in terms of power, best of the best.
Haven't finished PH to be honest, got sidetracked to different things as well as different fics, but it looks interesting enough, and plausible to boot.
"Most"? I'm not sure about that statistically, but you're the author.
All right, next comment on chapter 4.
Too many firebolts. Besides, it's a swamp. I doubt those would be that much effective. And, the thing is, she is either a pyromancer or something else. She could have conjured lightning, foe example, but noo, let's use fire on a creature that breathe fire. Drop something heavy on hydra? Also works. Shove a tree or something down its throat? Could be, but... eh. Reading further.
Oh, yes, finally she used something else, a decapitating beam or whatever. Why couldn't she teleport onto hydra, use some kind of sticking spe;ll and shave those heads down with the very same spell?
>Glancing behind me, I saw the acolyte peeking out from the opened door, her eyes and mouth wide with shock.
Acolyte? Why she sudden;y called that pony acolyte? She barely spared him a glance while teleporting and wasn't looking at him/her ever since through the whole battle.
>The hall ended in a larger room filled with tables and benches lined up from wall to wall with a gap centerline of the room leading to a windowed wall on the far side. The floor was tiled with a linoleum finish that still seemed intact from lack of use. This was a cafeteria. "That's not your business, outsider." I was starting to feel like I wasn't wanted. "I would advise we separate the moment we leave this facility." I stopped at that.
"Oh, now you're asking for my help?" Cashew stopped and stared accusedly at me. "You could start by saying the words. Otherwise I might just leave you here to rot with the bones." That made her glance around and notice the dozen pony skeletons scatter throughout the cafeteria.
"How would you do that? Teleport?" Her voice starting sounding a bit shaky.
I smirked. "Of course. But I used a lot of energy fighting that monster. I can't just spare the energy to take you with me." Her eyes spread into saucers.
"Is there something you want?" She was near panic now.
That dialog is a mess. I couldn't understand half of the time who was the saying what to whom due to reaction of another pony was amidst the words of the current talking one. Ugh.
>She was starting to look flustered now. "Who were the alicorn princesses?"
"Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, Princess Cadence and Princess Flurry Heart."
Quite ironic, if you think so. TS was already an alicorn in canon before Flurry and yet you selectively take pieces of timeline while ignoring the others. Not that I disapprove, but... in that particular case that gave me a weird vibe.
>The radscorpion no longer shielded it's eye
its?
>The second one had, for whatever strange reason, a radio on it's back.
Same thing here?
>I glanced at my gun. Even it I could hurt them with it, I only had two drums. Maybe 150 rounds.
2 drums 75 each?
>The armory had a fence halfway into the room, with a gate and a small access gate for handing weapons out.
Gate & gate in one sentence.
>The guide was a bit of a mess, clearly written in haphazard fashion by some pony
somepony
Peculiar. I wonder how Moondancer knew about where to send the pegasi on a such short schedule.
>What would my companions do? The ones who had lived their entire lives dealing with ponies such as this group? Dust, I suspect, would have turned a blind eye and never interacted with the raiders to begin with. He can run, and has nothing of value for them to hold hostage. Cashew would give the colt a chance at redemption. Perhaps the other raiders, too, but I could be wrong about that.
No, my companions will not decide my fate for me. I will take the wasteland head on and cast my own destiny upon it and everypony, every creature who lived within my Equestria.
Thus, the chapter ends on an uncertain note. Did she kill him or not? That question is not being answered. Eh, why not?
>Cashew wouldn't let up. “Hiding behind a good deed does nothing. You executed those ponies without a second thought.”
“Killin' raiders?” Dust snapped a bitter laugh. “Sounds fine to me when I say it like that.”
Cashew's glare did it's best to shoot me. “They were prisoners! And that colt-
I stopped. Pouring magic into a spell, the overglow on my horn lit us up light a beacon in the early night. “Rapists and murderers!” I spent the energy, the healing glow covering the floating mare's entire body. “Kill them, or leave them be! Those are my options. I can’t imprison anypony; there isn’t a prison to put them in. Anypony with a gun is the law, isn’t that the way things are here? I killed them, on the spot, and if I hadn’t they might be hunting us down even now.”
Her jaw clenched tight. “All ponies deserve a chance.” It was frustrating that we saw so close to eye to eye, but she just didn't understand my rage. If only things hadn't ended up this way.
Oi, really? Those steelmuzzles done worse. Eh, idealists.
>you you’re barding
your
It's like you're using tts.
>“The Rust Rebels inhabit the Ironshod Armory. We Steel Rangers have been trying to take it for months, but the gangers have managed to jury rig enough of the facility to produce basic firearms and ammunition. We need the facility operational, but we don't have the equipment or training to take on that many ponies without laying waste to the facility.”
I smiled. “You need someone who can kill without heavy ordnance. You can't just swap out rocket launchers for machine guns? I know ranger armor is capable of that.”
Cashew shrugged and shook her head. “Then we run into the other problem; there are a lot of Rust Rebels. We don't have the numbers to assault them on equal hoofing like that. We've been fighting them openly to thin the herd, but their numbers don't go down, while we can't replace our losses.”
If they produce BASIC firearms, not those beastly antitech rifles Srs should be fine and dandy since their armor were basically pony-sized personal tanks, especially with repairing talismans built in, non? Oh, well...
Oookay, memory orb. It was nice, my definition of “nice”, BUT! You DEFINITELY should mark memory as well as memory orbs episodes with something like italic or anything else, otherwise it's a pain to understand and concentrate properly.
>I frowned. “What- no, I don’t use it for that. Thank you, though, for you assistance. I promise it won’t be long before I visit Tower.”
Where did Tower came from? I could logically assume that this is the place where Moondancer dwells, but it wasn't mentioned at all in bot this and previous chapters.
>Mustang would have had a replacement.
Would have had?
Well... too much, too fast. I'm not talking about how convenient it was for Rrs to grab the sword right before or for Cashew change her opinion in a matter of a day, but, eh. Too much, too fast. Otherwise? Well, it's okay, even if I sometimes find it difficult to believe on how fast her magical reserves replenish themselves.
>The only reason they haven’t taken over all of New Trottingham was because they couldn’t get the weapons portion of the factory running. All they can do is make ammo for the guns they already have.
Aaaand where did they get gunpowder that's, being realistic, supposed to oxidize in the span of 150+ years?
>but none were truly foals and every pony had a weapon.
Everypony?
Oh, well, there is that. I don't really enjoy combat scenes in this fanfiction, I don't really know why. They seem kinda... bland to me? I'm not sure. Unlike some other FoE spinoffs I, somehow, couldn't fully wrap my head around it. As if some details are missing all the time. I don't fully grasp the picture unlike in original or PH. Couldn't give any advice on that either. Oh, well...
That's all for now!~
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Fighting the hydra - Fire typically retards regeneration, so that's why she stuck with it. She did use lightning once, but right before the beam. She does prefer firebolt, much like Littlepip used the zebra rifle, but she gets variety when in more complicated fights.
In any case, I'll make sure to add more variety in general.
The hydra was meant to be very large, and while there may have been things around large enough to actually hurt it, they also would have been large and a heavy TK strain that she felt was unnecessary. A lot of her combat thought goes into spell efficiency, and I guess I should better show that in her internal monologue.
There is the mythology that if you cut off a hydras head, two more will grow back. I didn't want to give any reference to that and whether they can or not, so I avoided decapitating the hydras.
Acolyte - Whoops, didn't fix that from past edits. It's just pony now. Also, any other fix that isn't mentioned is fixed.
Alicorns - In FoE, nothing beyond season 1 is shown because that's when FoE was written, so Twilight is not an alicorn. PH did not contradict this but did mention Cadance and Shining Armor (like once). I'm basically trying to act like some things still happened while still preserving FoE's canon. So anything the original FoE didn't mention that could still have happened is still feasible, such as Starlight Glimmer existing and Flurry Heart being born (as an alicorn).
Drum - She doesn't actually know how many rounds the drums hold and is guessing. Maybe I should put a question mark?
Moondancer - It's good that you wonder. It will come up.
Did she? - Well, it's mostly me trying to make the reader wonder about the morality of Ruby. If it's off putting, then I can change it.
Dialogue - Working on it. Is this the only spot?
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Gunpowder - I think you'll have to pick that fight with Fallout, FoE, and most post apocalypse in general. There's also the thing where radiation kills the bacteria and other microscopic life that causes decay in corpses, so there wouldn't be skeletons everywhere, especially not in irradiated places. Most of these are rule of cool carried over from the Fallout games.
Combat - Hmm... That's disappointing. I do try to make sure that everything described is what Ruby can actually see or hear, so some of the missing details are things she can't actually see or hear.
If you're interested, I could give you a link to pre-read chapters. I'd appreciate the kind of feedback your giving here, and the comment system in google docs would make it easier to respond to.
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Steelmuzzles - That's exactly why she's so upset about it. There's a lot going on with the Steel Rangers around here, and Cashew is trying to make it better.
TTS - ...What's that? Text to speech? No, I'm just the only one editing at this point, and sometimes I miss things.
Rust Rebels - They have AP rounds, and not just for their guns, but for the same turrets the Steel Rangers had set up in the first place. Of course, then you might wonder how they took it if the Rangers had emplacements to defend it. That question does get answered.
Also, a repair talisman doesn't help if the bullet that pierced the armor killed the pony inside, and from what I've learned about what happens when rounds penetrate the armor of actual tanks that basically means they die almost every single time.
Memories - Was this a hindsight on the previous memories as well? Hmm, I try to make it very obvious within a line or two that the scene has changed to a memory because I don't want large sections of text in italics or anything else. I could do a mini chapter title... idk.
Tower - That is a result of the same change that cause the Acolyte mistake from before. Originally, Dust met Ruby before she reached Station.
Would have had - slightly awkward but entirely correct. Like when I had had a coffee. It means you did have but don't now.
Too fast - Convenient. Yes. Very. Wink.
Cashew personally wanted nothing more to do with Ruby, but her understanding of her duties as a Ranger overrode that when she had time to think about it. She knows that Ruby is powerful and can help the Rangers get back what they've lost. She also knows that Ruby is valuable to her faction because of her knowledge of pre-war anything.
I like to think of magical energy like a muscle. You exercise it and it will grow stronger. The difference between a pony who hardly uses magic (Littlepip at the beginning of FoE) to a pony who uses it all the time (Littlepip at the end of FoE) is quite large. All of the Battlemages spent ten years nearly exhausting their magical reserves multiple times a week. Think of them as Olympic Athletes of magic.
I guess I need to explain that in the story, but I haven't seen a good spot to do that, yet.
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Lighting, too, have burning properties as does acid as does ice. Ice cold would be ideal. Stop all the processes in the body and shatter with the sonic wave.
Spamming firebolts? I would not consider that an efficient tacticm but oh well...
I have read reek mythos, so, yeah, know the drill. Doubt it work the same way, but who knows...
Alicorns... well, you could do that, sure, as you have already done, though I find that particular turn of events not quite to my liking, but. hey, you're the author. Not to mention that there was another alicorn which was crystallized and shattered later by Sombra...
Drum - yes, question mark would do fine, or, at least, showing that this is an approximation on her part.
Moondancer - good.
Did she? - Off-putting? Me? Pffft, nah xD My darker character doing things bad guys doing while staying, relatively, on the good side. My lighter character, too, have questionable morality and don't give a buck about it. Cupcakes were off-putting. This? No, not to me.
What mildly concern me, though, is ambiguity of the scene. I could discern from a context that she killed the colt, but, in my opinion, leaving it hanging in the open was... eh. Not that good of a move. Have you read "A sound of thunder"? I dislike Brabury, but the ending was fitting. The ending in this case, was, well, lacking or me. It isn't even cliffhanger when BJ stares at the flying ship falling onto her. Kinda disappointing, really.
Dialogue - I think there were something else... maybe first chat with Trashbin at his lair? Not sure.
Gunpowder - Well, yes, I have a bone to pick with canon FoE, sure, for it is illogical in quite a few places, but we're not talking canon. It's your fic, and I don't think you're simply borrowing blindly from other fanfiction without thinking of consequences of that decision or another. Thus, the simplest way for you is to explain the commonalities of the Wasteland and why the hell its still works. In my opinion, anyway.
Combat - Maybe it's just me. I've read quite a few fics, so you could consider me grumbling.) Still, for example, when RM spots hostiles before meeting SRs we don't know anything except there are some kind of hostiles. Could be scorpions. Could be ghouls. Could be raiders. And then, BAM! - ghouls. Without any warning. Usually you could understand what kind of enemy you are dealing with using common sense as well as information gathered with your senses of hearing, sight and smell. Do they moan? Do they smell? Do they shuffle around? There should be some kind of clue, it's, like, one of the first rules of good DMing. Usually there aren't SUDDENLY DINOSAUR! I sat on a gargant on my Dark Heresy players, but they could have expected that, trying to assault the Ork rok. In this case? Well... not exactly? It's like you're missing small details all the time, not big, small, but important for understanding and visualizing the scene. That's the problem.
Steelmuzzles - got it. Sounds like a hypocrisy atm of reading.)
TTS - yes. Sometimes I get that feeling.
Rust Rebels - Well... depends on the caliber. I mean, .22 or 5mm wouldn't do much against tank anyhow.
Memories - Well, how to put it? ALL OF THEM? It kinda weirded me out from the first time and on. I think I haven't noticed that much of a difference in terms of formatting, especially when the memory goes straight from the beginning of a chapter. Just go with canon at least. *** and so on.
Tower - got it.
Would have had - Awkward indeed. Oh well, I am not the only one with some weirdness.
Too fast - still a little bit too fast. It could have easily taken a couple of days for her to change her way of thinking. IRL experience, ahoy!
Magic - true enough. But not all people suited to be Olympic simply due to innate differences in biochemistry, muscle tension and that kind of stuff. Also, strict diet, proper vitamin intake and so on. Some simply lack something to be like that. I wonder, according to that logic Rubys magic supposed to slowly go into decline with the Wasteland around... hmm...
Go with chit-chat with Rangers, if she get semi-friendly with them.
And, about pre-read... I'm not quite sure, due to my time constraints, but you could send me those links anyway, maybe I will flip them through.
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Alicorns - Was that from the comics? I haven't read them, though I should. I need a guide or something to tell me which was is first, which ones are connected, things like that. Every time I look at the comics I just get confused.
Did she? - I meant was the ambiguity off-putting, and by the second part of your answer, basically yes. I'll see what I can do without causing a re-write to the beginning of the next chapter. These characters have begun to write their own dialogue.
Gunpowder - After reading up on how to make gunpowder for about 10 minutes, I think that it is possible and potentially easy for them to make more, provided they had a handy factory with all the necessary machinery to do the work and read enough of the manuals to figure out how.
However, I can't really think of any reason for this to come up. Any conversation about it at the moment would feel very contrived, like the only reason the conversation exists is to explain why bullets still work without actually servicing the story.
I'll keep the idea of explaining things like this in mind, and put them in where they will work. Honestly, I've having the same issue with Ruby's magic. I don't want to do a bunch of data dumps explaining how magic works out of nowhere. I basically readers can suspend their disbelief until an explanation becomes presentable.
Combat - I will try to keep that in mind and improve.
Rust Rebels - How the Rangers lost the factory will be explained, but it was essentially already said. Numbers.
Memories - By canon you mean FoE? And by *** you mean how this page break was for memories:
<-=======ooO Ooo=======->
and this page break for regular scene changes:
*** *** ***
I didn't realize that until just now when I searched for it. That I can totally do. I've been using v^V^v for everything, but I'll use something different for memories and another one for memory orbs.
Too fast - It's about what's important to her. The Steel Rangers. Her wanting nothing to do with Ruby was a spur of the moment emotional decision that went against her original plan (of taking Ruby to the Rangers). When she realized Ruby would be going after the leader of the group that are her enemy, she immediately realized that her personal wants are of no consequence compared to the benefit for the Rangers. Later on she also realized that if she had left Ruby, she would have regretted it because the value that Ruby has for the Rangers.
Concerning this and Steelmuzzles, Cashew is dealing with a lot right now. That's why she is acting this way.
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Alicorns - yes. It was before Sombra came to power in the Crystal Empire. I just get my kicks out of it.
Did she? - Ah, I see. Well, even if you state that she killed X you don't really need to change the dialogue as far as I can see.
Gunpowder - To put it simply - you don't want an infodump, that's fine. The easiest way to do so is to make character wonder at some point of time. Something like "Wait, it's been 170 years. Gunpowder supposed to oxidize unless they have made new supplies... Dust, what in nine hells?" Oh, at least, keep it in your mind so you, as the author, would have an answer for that particular situation.
Combat - okay)
RR - Hmm... all right.
Memories - Yes, precisely, and, yes, you should.
Too fast - All right, I get it. The question is how to portray all that internal turmoil on the outside.
Her forehead huh? Wouldn’t it be quite fascinating to find out she’s actually a zebra unicorn?
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Her cloak is also hiding wings. She's actually a zebra-alicorn hybrid.
Kidding. Totally kidding. She's definitely not a zalicorn... alibra... zebralicorn...
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It's "zebracorn", mate.
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Well, zebracorn is when you got yourself a zebra-unicorn. But what would you call a pony with wings, a horn, and stripes? Besides complete genetic nonsense, of course.
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To be honest I've met both iterations, so horned zebras as well as wings+horn, so... I guess it's the closest one at the moments.
About rampage uhhh... yea
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It was intentional callout)
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Alistripe
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Hmm?
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Zebra with wings and horn
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*pauses, than laughs* Your idea have some merit, indeed!
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Excuse me, but may I ask your opinion on what makes her a good protagonist in her eyes? I'm intrigued.
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Take your time
I'm working on trying to rewrite some of my own chapters and of moving the story along itself. Any suggestions would be welcome.
Reminds me of the time Twilight had a panic fest when she was "tardy"
As long as you don't go full Gollum Ruby I think you'll be ok
Neat
Yup
This mare is brutal!!
I LIKE IT!!
Just curious but have you read Fallout Equestria: Commonwealth by crazyperson?
It's a good read I highly recommend it. It has similar beginnings to your story, as well as Fallout 4, but it has some great differences.
Just curious cause your story reminded me of it a bit.
Guessing this is before "the day of Sunshine and Rainbows"
I think you need a (me) after let in that sentence
Interesting developments I have guesses on who has her equipment but that's really all they are
On to the next chapter!!
DDDDAAAAAMMMNNNNN!!!!!!!
You're not the only one
References!! I remember that place and probably the first time Steelhooves got picked at Calamity. If I'm remembering that right.
This reminds me of an elevator I went on in Chicago. Shoots you up 100 or so stories in seconds. I didn't like that, course I'm not a big fan of elevators anyway.
The ending was interesting and Watcher doing his thing again. Don't tell them anything Spike yeah that's a way to get stuff done.
Well that's different
That's gotta be a first for both the game series version of the brotherhood and equestria's. Quite interesting.