"Oh Twilight please please PUH-LEASE let him stay with us?!" Lyra begged for the billionth time over brunch.
"I told you, he has to go back as soon as I can perform the spell again,"
"But he has to have SOMEWHERE to stay until then, right?"
She sighed and said, "okay...fine, but you CANNOT let him wander around Ponyville unsupervised, okay?"
Lyra nodded in affirmation. "Yes ma'am!"
"Excuse me?" Dean piped up. "Why would I need supervision? I think I can handle walking around by myself..."
"It's not that, Dean...it's just...I think that..."
"That somepony would freak out or something? It's ok, I understand."
"So when are we taking him to our house?" Lyra chimed in excitedly.
Twilight sighed. "I would like to look him over a little more, you know, write down the anatomy and stuff, but I guess that can wait til tomorrow."
"YES!" Lyra pushed Dean off the couch and towards the door.
"Whoa!" he stumbled and Lyra followed, beckoning me to leave also.
I nodded at Twi and she began clearing the dishes. I followed Lyra and Dean back home, the former still chattering like an excited school-filly. Dean was polite enough to nod and smile at appropriate moments, but for all Lyra cared he could've been looking the other way.
When we arrived home, Lyra sat him down on the couch and told him to "Wait right here!"
He did as he was told, admiring the interior decoration. I realized that I hadn't cleaned up the house in awhile and it was quite messy. Lyra returned with the camera, waved me over, and she took a picture of all three of us.
"Alright! So, where do you want to sleep Dean?" she asked while subtly motioning to her room.
"I think I'll just sleep wherever you girls feel like putting me," he smiled.
"How about my room?!" she asked, extremely eager.
"Uh, actually, maybe somewhere else..."
"Bonnie's room then?" she still had the look she got when she was extremely excited.
I suddenly became extremely self-conscious, and blushed deeply. "u-u-uh...."
"Actually I think I'll just sleep on the couch,"
I gave an internal sigh of relief and relaxed a little. This was just a temporary arrangement after all, Twilight would be sending him back to his world at the end of the month, right?
Right?
Alright, time for some constructive criticism...
1. First four chp. should have been one.( Dont change them now, to late.))
2. Put a space between paragraphs. (makes it easier yo read.)
3. No noticeable grammar mistakes.
I will leave you with this for now... good luck on the next chapter.
please do make them longer, as soon as i start to get really into it, it ends. try to work on that, still like it though
I agree with everything Jordan said, add a few facts
Your word count and pace. I hate to say this but anything less of 1300 word count chapters just seems lazy and rush!
you can have 300 well written words but still come across like a neon sigh say "oh hey guys I wrote this in less then 10 minutes and didn't proof read or anything! enjoy"
Pace, if you going for a Lyra x human shipping sure you can make lyra is trying her hardest to get the human to live with her but don't make it come a cross as a badly written porn-o right now. I feel like this is "boy meet girl, girl is instalove with boy and then they fucked"
Lastly HiE are like the most hated Story plot in all of Friendship is magic fan fics. At this point the only uncommon element you have is that lyra and bon- bon aren't filly foolers
now I'd give you this you have the balls to try and write something so for that here one spikesash
892462 thanks
I think
And did you see the rating?
And the other comments? Just sayin'
Thanks anyway
892294 isn't that the point?
But the next chapters WILL be longer, I promise.
This is very good, i'm looking forward to your next chapter
914332 coming right up!
But I wanted to read more. . .