I know what your thinking, What's the difference between eating animals and abusing animals? Griffins eat animals and they thank them for thier life so they can live. Do you need to abuse animals to live, I don't think so. "Wait," I shouted suddenly "how are we, a dragon and an earth pony who has no magical or flying talent what so ever, going to take on a witch and her army of ponies?" I questioned.
In the dirt Shadow wrote 'Umm... I guess I didn't tell you about the guard of dragons, who like me is actually a pony, that breath fire and she has a castle surrounded by a moat. I guess i should have told you that earlier."
"Shadow we are going to need some serious help." This reminded me of a Daring Do adventure. I love those books. "Shadow we need my family, I know they would help! And we could get my friends and thier families and maybe Twilight Sparkle and her friends can help!" After Twilight and her friends saved the world from Discord and countless others Everyone knew thier names and everyone had a favorite. Ever since i was a little filly I have looked up to Apple Jack because she was always wiling to help a friend in need. I hoped she could come and help. "Well, what are we standing around here for. We better get going." We packed up and headed home, to my home, to my family.
A minute later we were in the sky and drifting lazily. I looked around. "Shadow? where is the castle?"
He stopped and I shifted forward. he turn around a faced the other direction, which was east. The sun was up. He turned back around and we headed of again this time faster than before. We were home shortly. I called for Peace and she ran toward me. I scooped her up and but her on Shadow.
"Woof" She barked happily. And we took off again.
Shadow landed at the 'Shine on' Family Farm and I called for my family.
"Guys, get out here! I need your help!" I screamed.
It took mere seconds for my mom to be outside. "Faith Marie Shine! Where do you get this dragon?"
"Mom, This is Shadow. Shadow my mom, Hope." And with that he took a big bow. my dad came out and my sisters and brothers.
"Hey who's this big fella?" Dad asked.
"This is Shadow everyone. Shaow this is Pete, my dad, Jude, my older brother, Luke, my younger brother, and my twin sisters, Melody and Harmony."
"Do you breath fire?" Asked Luke.
"Ooooh. He's tall." Melody said.
"Do you eat ponies?" Harmony questioned.
"Guys," I objected to all these rediculous questions. "Shadow needs our help. He had a spell put on him by an evil witch who kill his parents." That got everyone to shut up. "He actually is a pony."
That got a big "WHAT!!!!!" from everyone.
"Yes, Shadow here is actually a pony. Now I need your help to turn him back into a pony but starting a pony army to rise up against that witch."
"What you need us to do sis?" Jude asked.
"Jude, I want you to go around the next town and tell people about Shadow and ask them to join the army. We'll call it, Hooves for Hope!"
"Okay, I'm on it."
"Good, now Mathew you check town and make sure you check everywhere."
"Okay"
"Now Melody and Harmony you get Grace and Trinity."
"Okai Doki!" they screamed simltaniously.
"Then Mom and dad you go get all of our relatives."
"Okay Hon, we're off." Mom said chearfully.
"And while your doing that Shadow, Peace, and I will be heading to Ponyville to get ponies from there and that includes Apple Jack and the other ponies of harmony."
"Why can't I go with you?" Harmony whined.
"Why can't you stop whining for one day and do what I asked you without whinig for once." I think i hear crickets and mom didn't yell at me cause she knew I was right.
"Now everyone go go go!" and we all dispersed.
Now this is where it gets a lttle tricky. Everyone is doing their own thing right at the same time? So I'm going to break it all down and put it in different chapters!
Example: Jude- Chapter 6 Town Next Door
Mathew- Chapter 7 Rounding Up the Townsfolk
The Girls- Chapter 8 Bring all the friends
Mom and Dad- Chapter 9 Gathering the Shines
Shadow Peace and Faith- Chapter 10 Elements and the Great and Powerful
can't wait until they approve my story
Maiden, Mother, and Crone - The Sword
this might not be the best story ever because it was a story about a human! i changed it though... so if any of you see any mistakes please let me know much much gore is to be coming when the war happens in the future
i would love to get comments about what im doing right or wrong
Kudos on your first story! I noticed definite improvements as you went along. I've always been a fan of several shorter paragraphs, as opposed to a couple big ones. Breaking up the future chapters by character seems like a good way to go.
Some thing to keep in mind:
When dealing with characters people are unfamiliar with, take the time to describe them when introducing them.
Mix up how you inform the reader who's talking.
For example, if your story was about a white unicorn stallion named Charlie, use a different way to refer to him each time he speaks.
So, instead of "Charlie said," "Charlie said," "Charlie said," you can have "Charlie said," "the white unicorn said," and "the white stallion said," This makes the writing feel fresh while also keeping the descriptions of your characters in the reader's mind, without feeling forced.
You lose that opportunity with the main character when the story is in the first person, because everything has to be "I said" or "I asked;" but you can still make it work for the other characters.
Also, the breaking of the fourth wall is a bit much. Especially in a first person story, the narrative needs to draw you in. That immersion is undermined when you frequently remind the reader that they're reading a story.
Hope this helps! Good luck with future installments!
thank you very much your imput is very helpful