Can Shadow Eclipse overcome the feelings she has for this mare, more so since this mare is not only royalty, but one of her own sister's that she stayed in hiding to avoid all the prissy nobles or will she give in and do the taboo of incest?
While i didn't do a through job on it, these are the edits that pop out to me:
guards or anypony else since her trip here after
anypony else on her trip here
startled also thanks for the party though.
I would recommend putting a comma after startled. also, you don't need both the also and the though, as they both modify the statement the same (take out the though)
trot other to them
trot over to them
on there conservation
on their conversation. (it is the conversation, not a location)
sad for the poor filly past that just made
this is awkward to read, and needs some tweaking
to there homes
again, possessive, so their instead of there
While Eclipse stood there with her own wings flared with wide eyes at well as she started at the nyx because of wings appearing after the necklace was removed.
I feel like there is something wrong with this sentence. i think it has to do with the reiteration happening, but I am not certain. make sure to look at it when editting.
Overall, the chapter needs work, but as always bring new intrigue to the story, can't wait for the next chapter. good luck with the job prospects
While i didn't do a through job on it, these are the edits that pop out to me:
anypony else on her trip here
I would recommend putting a comma after startled. also, you don't need both the also and the though, as they both modify the statement the same (take out the though)
trot over to them
on their conversation. (it is the conversation, not a location)
this is awkward to read, and needs some tweaking
again, possessive, so their instead of there
I feel like there is something wrong with this sentence. i think it has to do with the reiteration happening, but I am not certain. make sure to look at it when editting.
Overall, the chapter needs work, but as always bring new intrigue to the story, can't wait for the next chapter. good luck with the job prospects
-Vinyl Mix/Digital Magic
7378941 Thanks for the heads up, when I get the chance I'll fix it.