Twilight ruins her life by using bad jokes.

by Goldy

She makes it worse with many other jokes.

Twilight woke up the next morning with the regular warmth of the calm sun, rising over the horizon with a cool, dawn breeze. Wait, I'm not supposed to be that descriptive... whatever. Twilight rose out of her bed. The bed was so comfy because she hadn't slept in her bed in over 4 years. She slept on rocks. Sharp ones. Nightmare Moon constantly made "Watch out, we got a badass over here" jokes. Twilight didn't give a buck, still. Twilight also ate moon rocks for breakfast. WITHOUT MILK. (Um... if that happened, it would have to be either Twilight's or Luna's milk... Um...) Anyway, Twilight started her descent down the stairs. She didn't smell the regular food that Spike made. She looked around for the dragon, but he wasn't there. Twilight saw a note on the counter; she lifted it up using her magic and saw that it was in Spike's handwriting. It said:

Dear Twilight:
I was called back to Canterlot today; I rightfully became Purple Arrow's companion when you were gone, so I was called back to meet with her again. So, I'm not here, nor will I be there again. Oh yeah, and just so you know, you're going to be attacked soon because you did something called "Grand theft House", or whatever Princess Celestia called it. And I also didn't make your breakfast, since I left during the middle of the night. So, on this, I will write something I always wanted to say to you:
Make your own damn breakfast!
Yours sincerely,
Spike the awesome dragon.

Twilight stared at the paper for a few minutes, squinting. She flipped it over and wrote on the back:

Dear Spike:
Buck you.
Sincerely,
Twilight Sparkle
P.S. I still don't give a buck.

She then turned it into a paper airplane and shot it through a portal. "Heh," she giggled; the other end of the portal was right in front of Spike's face. It hit him in the eye.

She then walked down the stairs to the basement again to read the third chapter of her crappy jokes book. She opened the book; it was the first time she had opened it without having to blow off many layers of dust. She skipped through the first couple hundred pages and finally got to chapter three. "'Arrow to the knee jokes'? Really? This joke sounds just plain dumb. But, I am pretending to have a curse on me suddenly, so I must finish a chapter a day... for some reason." She then read all of the jokes. Not much to talk about here. When she read the final joke, she realized she had finished the book. "Really? This book is only 3 chapters long? Well, this story will be longer than 3 chapters long... wait, what?" She shook off her thoughts. "That... was a horrible, useless joke," she said. "Seriously, most of those didn't even make sense! One said, 'I used to like Call of Duty, but then I took an arrow to the knee.' What the heck does that even mean?! And what's a 'Call of Duty', anyway? It sounds like something the colts play and scream at." She shrugged. "Wait... there's something after this..." She flipped the page to find an extra chapter.

"'Honorable mentions'?" she said out loud. "'These are some other bad jokes that didn't make the final cut. They still suck.'" She looked at the book for a second. "Meh." She then read the small, quick descriptions of a few extra jokes. There were quite a few, though they were quick and not in-depth (That's what she said!) A few of her favorites were 'Call me, Maybe?' jokes, and 'Giggity' jokes. "...Those are horrible, even compared to the standards of the other jokes," she said, face-hoofing herself. She shut the book and shoved it into the corner. She just thought silently for a couple minutes. She sighed finally. "I guess I'm out to go do something with these jokes... but what should I do? Um, let's see..." She was silent for a moment. "Alright, I need new friends. I currently have none... well, Pinkie kind of likes me, but she isn't exactly my friend..." Twilight said to herself. She thought for a second. She came up with nothing, shrugged, then walked outside. "I DON'T NEED YOU!" she yelled, not saying it directly to a pony, but just into the air. She was obviously referring to her previously called 'friends'. "I'LL GET NEW FRIENDS! BETTER ONES!"

Then, a pony Twilight knew, but just couldn't recognize walked in front of her. "Who are you even talking to... Twilight?" she said, almost forgetting the purple unicorn's name. "You're even weirder after you came back from the moon." The pony began walking away.

"Who was that?" Twilight said to herself. She thought for a moment, still staring at the pony who was walking away from her. She tried to remember who it was, then it hit her like a hit on the head with an encyclopedia. "Bon-Bon!"

The mare stopped and turned around. "Hm?" she said.

Twilight ran up to her. "Hey, Bon-Bon!" she said between breaths. "Long time, no see, huh?"

"Um... sure..." Bon-Bon said quizzically. "...What do you want?"

"So," Twilight said, regaining her breath. "How have been lately? How's Lyra?"

"I've been fine, and Lyra's fine to, but she's been a bit antsy for the last couple days, since she's up in Canterlot, doing some performance with her lyre. Gosh, I have that song stuck in my head, since she's be playing it day and night for the past week. I think Vinyl Scratch went there, also." Bon-Bon said, rolling her eyes. "So... I heard you just came back yesterday. How was it on on the moon? How's it been since you came back?"

Twilight inhaled loudly. "WELL, I still didn't give a buck about anything while on the moon, especially to Nightmare Moon.." Bon-Bon cringed an eye, since she still hated that joke. "And, well, after coming back, I learned that all of my friends still hate me. And Spike also left me, since he was Purple Arrow's companion apparently. So now I'm alone. I was hoping I could hang out with you, since you're one of the few ponies I know and don't hate or is hated by," Twilight said, blazing through her sentences; she finished with an awkward smile.

Bon-Bon tilted her head. "Um... sure... I was about to hang out with Derpy, Octavia, and the rest of the crew. I guess you can come along with me."

Twilight suddenly got a huge smile on her face. She started hopping around Bon-Bon, just like she did to Shining Armor and Princess Celestia when she was a filly. "Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank y-"

Bon-Bon shoved a hoof in her mouth, with an annoyed look on her face, though she wasn't actually looking at Twilight. "Okay, let's go."

The two mares started walking through Ponyville to get to their destination. Yes! I can make friends! Twilight said, rubbing her hooves together. I'll show them! I'll show them all! I don't need them! She got a maniacal smile on her face and started laughing crazily. "HA HA HA HA HA HA!"

Bon-Bon turned to her. "Um... are you okay?"

Twilight suddenly realized she was laughing out loud. She quickly went quiet. "Um... yeah."

They continued on. Twilight was in an awkward silence for the rest of the way until they got to their destination. After about a mile of walking, they ended up in a park. Twilight saw Bon-Bon's regular friends: Derpy, Doctor Whooves, and Octavia. And no Lyra or Vinyl Scratch, obviously.

"Um, hi, guys," Bon-Bon said; her friends waved. "Um... Twilight wants to come along with us today... for some reason. Is that okay?"

All of the ponies shrugged and nodded, continuing their previous activities, not paying attention to their purple guest. Of course, Twilight got bored quickly, since it isn't fun to do nothing, obviously. She looked around at the ponies, deciding which pony to bug first; she decided her first victim would be the mysterious Dr. Whooves, whom had a past that was unknown to everypony except him. Twilight sneaked up to the stallion, whom was reading a newspaper. (Or what they thought was a newspaper...) Twilight slowly sneaked over from the right, eventually getting herself into his view. He looked at her, and slowly lowered his newspaper. "Um... hello?" he said.

"O hai thar," Twilight replied.

"...Um... is there something you want?" he said back.

"I'm bored."

"And...?"

"Entertain me!" Twilight said like a foal.

"You have lost much maturity in the last few years. But, okay. We can... I dunno... talk?"

"Sure!" Twilight sat down and... rolled over like a dog. Sigh... I have no idea what I'm even doing with this story anymore. "What do you want to talk about?" She rolled back over. "Adult pony stuff?" she said, raising and lowering her eyebrows.

"Ew! No!" he returned with disgust. "What is wrong with you?!"

"I dunno. Apparently readers like these kinds of references."

"Wait, what?"

"N-never mind. Just, um... I still hate this damn author..." She picked her script off of the ground. "Um... it says that you have to ask me, 'When did you come back from the moon?'"

"What? What tells me to ask you that? And what is that piece of pap-"

"JUST ASK ME THE DAMN QUESTION!" Twilight yelled.

"O-okay..." he said in a miserable voice. "Um..." He gulped. "W-When did you come back from the moon?"

"Just yesterday!" Twilight said in a suddenly light voice.

"And... um..." He was still shaky. "W-why did you go in the first place?"

"I used to be on this planet..." Twilight started to giggle. "But then I took an arrow to the knee!" Twilight burst out in laughter and fell to the ground.

"Oh hell no!" Dr. Whooves said in a suddenly confident voice. "I went to a planet called 'Earth' once. That was the worst, most overused so-called 'joke' on the planet! Ugh, I still hate it!" He stomped his hoof and walked away.

"You mad, bro?" Twilight said.

"BUCK YOU!" he yelled and started running.

"PWNED!" Twilight yelled back.

"SHUT UP!!" he finished because Twilight ran out of comebacks.

Okay, I guess I can just annoy the crap out of all of these ponies, since these ponies aren't cool enough. Now... who next? How about Octavia! Octavia, the Canterlot pony, was reading a book. Not very interesting. Twilight gave a 'buck you' to gravity and somehow managed to scoot herself into Octavia's view upside-down.

"Hello?" she asked, staring at the upside-down pony.

"Let's talk!" Twilight said with a big smile.

"How about no," Octavia replied and lifted her book back up to continue reading. Physics suddenly applied to Twilight again and she fell.

"Hey, I remember reading that in my jokes book! Did you read it, too?" Twilight said, pointing a hoof at her chest.

Octavia lowered her book and stared into Twilight's eyes. "I did read it, but it's not like I use every joke everywhere like you are."

Twilight was confused. "Wait, how do you know that?"

"Well, other than everypony in Ponyville talking about it, it says so in the script." She turned the book around to show the script.

"Wait, somepony else reads the script?' Twilight couldn't believe it.

"Yes, now leave me alone." She turned her book back around and continued reading.

Well, that's one pony I can't troll. Now... there's Derpy and Bon-Bon. Bon-Bon will be the final boss, since she apparently laughs at everything. I shall defeat Derpy! She walked up to Derpy, who was eating a muffin, just like she does in every fan fiction.

Derpy finished chewing and swallowing her bite of the muffin. "Hi, Twilight!" she said in her regular, peppy voice. "You're still not mad for almost murdering you that one day by dropping a bunch of stuff on you, are you?" she said in a sadder voice, slightly lowering her ears.

"Silly Derpy, everyone knows you can't die by being crushed in a cartoon! If that happened, Tom and Jerry would have died in the first episode, along with Wild E. Coyote!"

"Oh! I know them! Aren't they from, like, Yu-Gi-Oh or something?"

Twilight face-hoofed herself. "Not sure if troll or idiot. I'm not even to try. I guess I'll go troll Bon-Bon, since I have a perfect one in store for her." She walked up to Bon-Bon, who was just looking around. "I am here to troll you!"

"Go ahead. You can't troll me, I laugh at everything," she said with a smirk on her face.

Twilight got a big smile on her face. "Are you sure? I saved the most rage-inducing one for you. Don't be so confident."

Bon-Bon shoved her face up to Twilight's. "Challenge accepted."

Twilight scooted back, making her smile even bigger. After a minute of waiting, she finally said, "...Dolan pls."

Bon-Bon suddenly entered rage mode. "OH I AM GOING TO WIPE OFF YOU'RE PUNY LITTLE EXISTENCE FROM THIS PLANET, MARK MY BUCKING WORDS!!" Twilight was already frolicking away towards her home.

"Best troll ever!" Twilight was laughing to herself. She finally got home and went inside. She laid on her bed and smiled. So worth it. Suddenly, a burst of magic appeared next her. She stared at it for a second, and it formed into a letter. Kind of like when Spike belched up a letter, except without the dragon. And the stinky burp. She picked it up using her magic and read it.

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

Due to your high amount of disharmony, Discord has been released again. I would tell you to gather your fellow elements to defeat him, but the Elements of Harmony have exploded because of how much your friends hate you now. So, this is what I'm going to tell you to do: Gather your fellow elements. I don't know why, just do it. It'll make for an interesting chapter. And I can't do it since I'm a lazy buck. And if you defeat Discord, we won't attack you for stealing a house... maybe.

Have fun,
Princess Celestia of Equestria

"OH BUCK ME!" Twilight yelled. She had to convince all 5 of her friends to be her friends again (along with finding Rainbow Dash), and then somehow defeat Discord. She's going to have a bad time.

Comments

[Goldy]

New chapter! If you read this, you're awesome.
Here, have a + the Majora's Mask moon.
i.chzbgr.com/completestore/2011/9/16/c4729471-2bc2-4a54-83a2-cb5253ff1dd1.jpg

[Aiovas]

Wow just wow

[Goldy]

Last chapter coming soon! Either tomorrow or the day after that! I'm making this last chapter full of stupid humor, so you'll enjoy it even more! It's also now full of cussing, and I know all of you guys love that!