Twilight finds a dictionary of horrible jokes. Follow her as she ruins her life.
Twilight finds a dusty book of Equestria's worst jokes. She learns many horrible jokes, including "I don't give a buck" jokes. She then ruins her life by using them.
Was originally going to be a one-shot, but it no longer is! Previously called "Twilight learns 'I don't give a buck' jokes", but since chapter 1 is no longer the only one, the name has been changed due to it no longer being one-shot.
It's over. There'll be no sequel. Got it?
Twilight ruins her life with "I don't give a buck" jokes.
It was a lovely morning; the birds were chirping their lovely tunes, the trees had a luxurious shade of green. The calm sunlight of the rising sun made everything have a beautiful shade. But, no matter how beautiful it was outside, Twilight still had to imprison herself inside her hollowed-out tree. She had just recently risen from her slumber and had eaten her breakfast. She went up to her number one assistant, the young dragon named Spike, and asked, "So, Spike. Any new books shipped here today?"
Spike said off of the top of his head, "Nope! Though I believe a couple are supposed to come here tomorrow. But, I actually found a bunch of dusty, old books that you probably haven't read yet. Here, follow me." Spike led the mare down into the tree's dark basement, only lit by an old light. Spike went up to a pile of dusty, old books in the corner. "Here they are!"
There was an extremely large book that had caught Twilight's attention, though the title was covered by many layers of dust. She picked it up and blew off the dust, creating a large cloud in front of her. "'Equestria's Worst Jokes'... huh..." Twilight said out loud. Though she was sure there were some books that actually were going to be useful in the pile, she really wanted to check out the book. "Spike, I'm going to read this."
Spike said calmly, "Alright. No problem with that." He just shrugged and walked back upstairs.
Twilight flipped through the first few introductory pages and went straight to Chapter 1. "'I don't give a buck' jokes. Huh, really does sound like a bad joke." Twilight began read through the first chapter. Even though the joke was horrible, and she knew it, she was still laughing out loud to them. They were extremely immature, but, hay, Twilight was immature at times. When she finished off the last joke, she had pain in her chest from laughing so hard. "Sweet Celestia, those jokes are so dumb, but hilarious!"
She heard Spike's voice call out from the top of the stairs, "Hey, Twilight! You haven't done your friendship letter this week!"
Oh no, I haven't done it yet! I was going to do it earlier, but I was too delved into this book! "Coming!" she yelled out. She shut the book closed and ran upstairs. She got her pack with supplies of parchment and paper in the pouch on the left side of her, and some food in her right pouch. "Alright, I'm out to see if my friends have any problems. I'll come back when I need you. Bye!" She walked out the door while Spike was waving.
Alright, I need to see if my friends need help. I'll check on Applejack, she might have some problems on the farm. Twilight walked to the acres of apple trees on the edge of Ponyville. Twilight saw Applejack at her regular apple stand, crying. Twilight went up to her and said, "What's wrong, Applejack?"
Applejack replied through tears, "Ah got robbed! Ah had a bunch o' apples out here, then when I went inside for a drink. But when I came back, they were all gone! Ah had at least 20 apples up here!" Applejack continued crying.
I should really help, but my genius is kicking in. "Applejack, how many apples are on the stand right now?"
"None! Weren't y'all listening to me? Ah got robbed!"
"And none is..."
"Zero?" Applejack said quizzically.
"And zero is the number... of how many bucks I give right now!" Twilight fell onto her back from laughing, while Applejack made the 'Are you bucking serious?' face. Twilight trotted away, still laughing at her horrible joke. "I'm going to pony hell for that... but I still don't give a buck!" Twilight laughed harder than ever. "Alright, now that I can't fix that, who else can I not give a buck to... I mean, help? Hm... I guess I'll go check on Rarity, that drama queen is always crying about something." These joke are really going to my head... I still don't give a buck! Twilight then took out the food from her pack and ate it. She threw the remains on the ground. "No buck given!"
Twilight walked into Rarity's boutique and saw Sweetie Belle and Rarity yelling at each other, with a soaking wet dress behind them.
"You said we could play now!" Sweetie Belle yelled.
"I said that 3 days ago! But I had to change the time because I had to work today!" Rarity yelled back.
"I put the fun time into my schedule!"
"What schedule? You don't have one!"
"Alright, girls, calm down," Twilight said calmly. "Now, what happened?"
Sweetie Belle said, "Well, me and Rarity were supposed to play together today, but she canceled it suddenly!"
Rarity yelled, "I didn't suddenly change it, I had to postpone it because of a really important project!"
Twilight couldn't find a side to agree with. She said, "I know the solution. Look inside my right pack."
Sweetie opened it and found noting. "Um... there's nothing in here."
Twilight said while giggling, "I know... that's all the bucks I give!" Twilight burst out laughing. She then opened the door, walked outside, and slammed it closed.
Twilight walked to Fluttershy's cottage. Fluttershy said, "Oh, Twilight. Can you please help me? All of my chickens escaped their pens! I need your help to catch them."
"Oh, I can," Twilight said while containing her laugh. "But a quick question: How many chickens are in the pen now?"
"Um, none, I think..."
"Well, that's how many bucks I give!" Twilight burst out while Fluttershy got sad and squealed. Twilight walked away, saying to herself, "I should really feel sorry for doing that... I still don't give a buck!"
She walked to Sugar Cube Corner and talked to Pinkie Pie. "Hey, Twilight!" Pinkie said. "I broke the fourth wall again and got a laptop. Don't ask how. But I'm having problems; can you help me?"
Twilight said, "Error 404: Buck not found!" Twilight walked out while laughing.
While walking out the door, Pinkie said, "Your jokes are bad and you should feel bad!"
Twilight met Rainbow Dash while walking. "Hey, Twilight," Rainbow said. "I need some help with some of that evil stuff called math."
Twilight said, "Alright. But first, what's 1 minus 1?"
Rainbow replied, "Um, zero, but that's not my-"
"Because that's the number of bucks I give!" Twilight interrupted while laughing.
Twilight then walked to her home. When she was inside, she met with Spike. "Hey, Twilight. Did you help anypony?"
Twilight shook her head. "Nah, no one needed help."
Spike shrugged and said, "Alright. Hopefully Princess Celestia will allow a week without a letter." Twilight then picked up a book and skimmed through. "Whatcha reading?" Spike asked.
"Oh, I'm not reading anything. I'm just skimming to look for a buck to give... nope, can't find one."
"Please tell me you haven't been saying those jokes all day..."
Before another buck could be lost, Spike belched up a letter. Twilight used her magic to read it and read it inside her head.
Dear Twilight Sparkle,
Word about you using an inappropriate 'joke' has already spread up here in Canterlot. Seriously, what the buck is wrong with you? And yes, I'm allowed to cuss because I''m ruler here. So, as punishment, you shall be banned to the moon for multiple years. Hopefully next time you'll learn not to be such a bucking pottymouth.
Not-very-bucking-sincerely,
Princess mother-bucking Celestia
Twilight was launched to the moon later that day. While there, Twilight yelled into deep space, "I STILL DON'T GIVE A BUCK!"
And not a single buck was given that day.
She ruins it again using "That's what she said" jokes.
Years after the first ‘incident’, Twilight returned to Equestria. On the moon, she somehow gave negative bucks. Especially to Nightmare Moon, because Celestia had sent Luna back to the moon because she played too much Diablo III. (I don’t blame her.) When Celestia had used her magic to bring Twilight back to Equestria, Celestia had asked Twilight if she learned her lesson. Twilight would have spent a year less the moon, but a year earlier, Princess Celestia asked the same question; Twilight replied that she didn’t give a buck. She was sent back to the moon. Now, when the alicorn asked the question, Twilight lied and said that she did, though she gave 20% less bucks that time.
When Twilight walked back to Ponyville, (Yes, she walked the whole way.) she went straight to her house. When she walked inside, she saw that Spike had grown a lot; he was at least a foot taller and he was starting to spout wings. He also grew a moustache. Lucky. “Twilight!” Spike said; his voice was deeper. “You’re finally back from the moon!” “The moon?” said a voice from another room. Twilight saw a pony walkout from the room; it was a blue mare with a purple mane, and two birds as a cutie mark. Twilight recognized her; she went to magic kindergarten with her. She was Purple Arrow. (I have nothing good for a name, okay?) Twilight hated her. Both then and now. The last time Twilight saw her, she was trying to become a student of Princess Celestia, like Twilight. “Are you a criminal?” the pony said.
“Get out,” Twilight said.
“But I live here.”
“Get out!”
“But-“
“GET THE BUCK OUT!”
Purple Arrow started crying and ran out of the tree. Twilight felt a feeling of accomplishment.
“Um, that was kind of mean, Twilight,” Spike said.
“I took anti-anger management from Nightmare Moon when I was stuck on the moon,” Twilight responded. Spike just gave a confused look. “Do you still have that joke book from multiple years ago?”
Spike replied, “Uh, yeah, I don’t think Purple Arrow even touched it, so it’s probably in the same spot you left it.”
Twilight walked down the stairs to the basement alone. She remembered where it was, so she went to the spot where it was. She looked around and saw more books than the last time she went down there; she saw a few books that didn’t have much dust on them, and the titles were visible. She had read those books; they were in her library when she lived there before. She picked up the book of crappy jokes and flipped all the way to chapter 2. She read chapter 2’s title. “’That’s what she said’ jokes… I’ve heard those before. They suck.” She then began reading chapter 2’s horrible jokes. Unlike the “I don’t give a buck” jokes, she didn’t laugh at them. At all. They couldn’t even be considered funny. But, when she finished reading, they were stuck in her head. She shut the book closed and headed back upstairs. She walked up to Spike and said, “Alright. I read the second chapter.”
“There was a second chapter? And that means there’s going to be a second chapter in this story, also! I thought this was going to be a one-shot!” Spike was astonished.
“Yep. And since there’s no letter to write to Princess Celestia, I guess I’ll just use them to ruin my life again.”
Spike frowned while Twilight smiled. Twilight walked out the door and slammed it closed before Spike could even wave. Twilight started to trot to Sweet Apple Acres. Twilight noticed that the town had grown much in size during the last few years. I would think ‘I don’t give a buck’, but that’s so multiple years ago.
Twilight arrived at Sweet Apple Acres. Despite the town gaining size over time, Sweet Apple Acres was still on the edge of Ponyville; it must have grown in every other direction. It also appeared that the land for apple trees had almost doubled. Twilight didn’t give a buck, but she didn’t say it or think it. She also saw that there was one apple tree that was enormous, having a colossal size that was about double the size all of the other trees. Twilight saw Big Macintosh and Applejack were standing in front of the tree. She snuck up behind the two to eavesdrop on them. (She lost all of her manners on the moon.)
“Ah’m surprised how big this ol’ thing got!” Applejack said with her regular southern accent.
Twilight couldn’t resist the urge. “That’s what she said!” she yelled out loud while jumping.
Applejack and Big Mac turned around to see Twilight. Both of them had aged a bit, and both of them had surprised look on their faces.
“Twi? Is that you?” Applejack asked.
“Eeyup,” Big Mac said.
“Huh, haven’t seen y’all in 4 years. You deserved being sent to the moon. Y’all didn’t only make me cry, y’all also made Flutters cry! What was wrong with y’all?!” Twilight replied with an ‘I don’t give a buck’ grunt. “So… how’s Granny Smith?”
Applejack replied, “She’s dead. She apparent never met Fluttershy, and when she did, old Granny Smith apparently developed something called ‘diabeetus’. And Applebloom got her cutie mark. You don’t want to know what it’s for; she’s out right now. Oh yeah, and your ‘That’s what she said’ joke is horrible. It’s even worse than your old joke. Now,” Applejack shoved her head under Twilight’s chin. “get the buck off of my property.”
Twilight started walking away. When she was kind of far away, she put her hoof up into the air and yelled, “IF I HAD FINGERS, I’D BE PUTTING ONE UP RIGHT NOW!”
Twilight then thought of where to go next. She decided to go to Rarity’s boutique, since that would be a good order to not fix things. Twilight walked to where the boutique was… but it was gone. In its spot was a house no different from the others around. Twilight went to the door and knocked on it. When it opened, Twilight saw who the mare was: An aged Rarity. “Twilight, dear? Is that you? My gosh, it’s been ages! Please come in.” Twilight walked inside and saw that it looked similar to the old boutique, but there was no dumb fabric or models anywhere. “Would you like some tea?” Twilight nodded.
Rarity went into another room and came back with two cups of tea, levitating in the air with Rarity’s blue magic. Twilight sat down in a chair while Rarity placed down one of the cups on the table next to Twilight. “So…” Rarity began. “Even though this may sound like dumb question, but did anything happen when you were on the moon?”
Twilight rolled her eyes. “It was a nice 4 years of boredom. The only thing that gave me fun at times was Luna. She got sent there 2 years ago, and now she’s Nightmare Moon again. I doubt that she’ll try to take over Equestria again, but she was pretty cool. We were buddies. We never had fights because, seriously, what was there to fight about? I just got back here 1 or 2 hours ago, and I’ve already been denied by Applejack. Hopefully you won’t deny an apology.”
“Of course I’ll accept one, dear! Even though you really could have helped us, and even though it was pretty inappropriate language to use in front of Sweetie Belle, it’s nothing I can stay mad at for 4 years.”
Twilight was relived; that’s one friend she got back. “So… what happened to the boutique?”
Rarity sighed and said, “I was forced to go into retirement a bit early. I got sued because somepony claimed that my materials were too cheap to be sold. They had a single dress for proof, and it wasn’t even mine! But, the judge was dumb, and they won the case. I wasn’t able to buy anything anymore, so I had to get the boutique tore down and get a new house. Thankfully, an old friend of mine who is a construction worker built one over the spot of the boutique for a cheap price. And now I’m stuck in here, trying to find something to do every day.” Twilight felt sad for her dear old friend… she might actually give a buck about something for once…
Nah, who was she kidding? She still didn’t give a buck. “I feel sorry for you… so, what’s Sweetie Belle been up to lately?”
Rarity put down the cup she was drinking out of using her magic. “She and her friends got their cutie marks not too long after you were sent to the moon. They’ve been doing stuff… you don’t want to know about. I just don’t want to talk about it.”
“So have you and Sweetie Belle made up after the fight you two had?”
“Oh, yeah, we did. Though, it took the efforts of Pinkie and Applejack to secretly get us back together again, since we were too stubborn to make up with each other. It was a bit awkward at first, but then we finally made up and got back together again.”
“That’s what she said,” Twilight said. She suddenly blushed when she realized what she said. Oh no…
Rarity suddenly got a sad face. She looked down and said in a small voice, “No… just, no. Please leave…”
“What? No, wait-“
“No, just go now,” Rarity said in a slightly larger voice.
“Please, just-“
“Go now!” Rarity said in a voice that was considered yelling to how loud she was just talking, though it really was just average voice.
Twilight decided it was no use. She just sighed and walked out of the house. Great, she just made up, and now I lost her again. Now I have 2 friends that I know are determined to hate me. Perfect. I guess I’ll go to Fluttershy’s cottage; she has a nice heart, she will probably understand… Why am I suddenly giving a buck now? Whatever…
Twilight walked over to Fluttershy’s cottage; it was one of the few things left that looked identical to what it looked like years before. Twilight knocked on the door. After a few seconds, the door was opened by Fluttershy, a bit older looking, but still adorable. “Twilight? You’re back from the moon? Huh, thought you would’ve died from lack of air on the moon…” Fluttershy said in a disgruntled voice. That’s kind of mean… Much unlike Fluttershy, normally… Fluttershy continued, “Even though I still hate you, I guess you can come in…”
Twilight frowned and walked inside the cottage; it looked very similar inside to what it looked like 4 years ago, though there were some small changes. Twilight sat down on the couch while Fluttershy closed the door. “So, Fluttershy… anything new for you, lately?”
Fluttershy sat down on a chair by Twilight and said, “Not really; I’m still taking care of animals. Though, I did go back to Iron Will and got some more anti-anger management because of your ‘joke’. Now I’m a lot tougher and won’t take any crap!” She slammed her right hoof down.
“Yeah, that’s a bit obvious. But, I got anti-anger management, also! But, I got mine from Nightmare Moon, so I win.” Fluttershy growled. “So, um… did you save the chickens, that day?”
“Well, I managed to save most of the pullets, so I at least had eggs to eat and sell. But, sadly, most of the cocks got away. I had to buy new ones! They’re really expensive!”
“That’s what she said! Wait… buck! I’m leaving now,” Twilight said with a frown.
“Yes, that is good idea,” Fluttershy said while waving at Twilight, who was walking out the door.
When Twilight shut the door, she started walking towards Sugar Cube Corner. “Yay!” she yelled sarcastically. “Another friend who hates me! That’s just beautiful.”
Twilight went up to Sugar Cube Corner. She walked in and suddenly got a feeling of nostalgia; it was exactly like it was 4 years ago. She saw Pinkie Pie up at the counter; her mane was less fluffier than what it used to be, but it wasn’t perfectly straight like in Party of One. Pinkie apparently heard the bell ring on the door, and she turned around to find her old friend. “Twilight! I’m so surprised to see you again!”
“Hi, Pinkie,” Twilight said with a warm smile. The place was empty, with only Twilight and Pinkie in there. “What have you been doing lately?”
“Well, the Cakes retired last year, so I’ve been taking care of Sugar Cube Corner alone since then.”
“Have you done anything else?”
Pinkie shook her head. “I’ve been too busy doing this. I haven’t even had a party in 2 years. And Gummy isn’t here anymore; he grew teeth, so we had to release him into the wild. And I haven’t been very happy-go-lucky, also, since this job is literally my life; that’s why my mane isn’t perfectly fluffy. And yes, I still have my fourth-wall-breaking powers, and I know that half of these readers are sad that I’m no longer fun. Don’t worry, it gets better later, once we get a conflict that isn’t Twilight just being and idiot and using horrible jokes. That is, of course, if you guys want that kind of conflict. Do you? I’ll make sure that the author makes a comment about it so you all don’t forget this or skip it.”
“Um… Pinkie? Who are you talking to?” Twilight sighed; she knew it was still no use. “So… do you still hate me?”
“Hate you? Why would I hate you? For using horrible joke because I needed help with a dumb laptop? I already let out any of the little hate I had on you when I said, ‘Your jokes are bad and you should feel bad!’, which is a meme from the internet. I may have a little grudge, but I don’t hate you.”
“And one last, quick question: Do you know where Rainbow Dash is?”
Pinkie laughed. “Nopony knows where she is!” Twilight was confused. “Of yeah, you weren’t on this planet when it happened. This is what happened: Rainbow joined the Wonderbolts finally, and when she performed, she messed up the trajectory of her Sonic Rainboom or something, and she somehow managed to hospitalize a hundred ponies, including the rest of the Wonderbolts. Now she’s being hunted down by the authorities, even though she obviously didn’t do it on purpose.”
Twilight frowned. “Well, I guess you answered all the questions I need to know. Bye, Pinkie!”
“See ya, Twilight!” Pinkie said while waving as Twilight walked out the door.
When she closed the door, Twilight said to herself, “Yes! For once, I didn’t ruin a potential re-friendship using a ‘That’s what she said’ joke! So, I have one pony who can potentially be my friend again, and one I don’t know. Glorious. I guess I’ll go home now. There’s nowhere else to go.” Twilight then walked home.
When she walked inside, she was relieved to find no police or Purple Arrow; only the more mature Spike. “So, what happened this time?” Spike asked.
“Well, pretty much everypony hates me. The only one who potentially likes me is Pinkie, even though she’s not fun anymore. And maybe Rainbow Dash, but I don’t know, since she’s hiding somewhere.”
“Yeah, I know,” Spike replied with an eye roll.
“Well, I have no bucks to give, so I’m going to bed. See you tomorrow.”
“Good night, Twilight.”
Spike went to a bigger basket to sleep in. Twilight walked upstairs and went to her room and saw that it was completely different, and completely hideous. “Purple Arrow really does have bad tastes,” Twilight said to herself. “But, I don’t have the time to change it, so I guess I’ll have to sleep while surrounded by this ugliness.” Twilight slipped herself into bed and fell asleep. Not a very good ending for a chapter, huh? I guess I need a better ending… Um…
THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!... Wait, that makes absolutely no sense… How about…
Twilight woke up the next morning with the regular warmth of the calm sun, rising over the horizon with a cool, dawn breeze. Wait, I'm not supposed to be that descriptive... whatever. Twilight rose out of her bed. The bed was so comfy because she hadn't slept in her bed in over 4 years. She slept on rocks. Sharp ones. Nightmare Moon constantly made "Watch out, we got a badass over here" jokes. Twilight didn't give a buck, still. Twilight also ate moon rocks for breakfast. WITHOUT MILK. (Um... if that happened, it would have to be either Twilight's or Luna's milk... Um...) Anyway, Twilight started her descent down the stairs. She didn't smell the regular food that Spike made. She looked around for the dragon, but he wasn't there. Twilight saw a note on the counter; she lifted it up using her magic and saw that it was in Spike's handwriting. It said:
Dear Twilight: I was called back to Canterlot today; I rightfully became Purple Arrow's companion when you were gone, so I was called back to meet with her again. So, I'm not here, nor will I be there again. Oh yeah, and just so you know, you're going to be attacked soon because you did something called "Grand theft House", or whatever Princess Celestia called it. And I also didn't make your breakfast, since I left during the middle of the night. So, on this, I will write something I always wanted to say to you: Make your own damn breakfast! Yours sincerely, Spike the awesome dragon.
Twilight stared at the paper for a few minutes, squinting. She flipped it over and wrote on the back:
Dear Spike: Buck you. Sincerely, Twilight Sparkle P.S. I still don't give a buck.
She then turned it into a paper airplane and shot it through a portal. "Heh," she giggled; the other end of the portal was right in front of Spike's face. It hit him in the eye.
She then walked down the stairs to the basement again to read the third chapter of her crappy jokes book. She opened the book; it was the first time she had opened it without having to blow off many layers of dust. She skipped through the first couple hundred pages and finally got to chapter three. "'Arrow to the knee jokes'? Really? This joke sounds just plain dumb. But, I am pretending to have a curse on me suddenly, so I must finish a chapter a day... for some reason." She then read all of the jokes. Not much to talk about here. When she read the final joke, she realized she had finished the book. "Really? This book is only 3 chapters long? Well, this story will be longer than 3 chapters long... wait, what?" She shook off her thoughts. "That... was a horrible, useless joke," she said. "Seriously, most of those didn't even make sense! One said, 'I used to like Call of Duty, but then I took an arrow to the knee.' What the heck does that even mean?! And what's a 'Call of Duty', anyway? It sounds like something the colts play and scream at." She shrugged. "Wait... there's something after this..." She flipped the page to find an extra chapter.
"'Honorable mentions'?" she said out loud. "'These are some other bad jokes that didn't make the final cut. They still suck.'" She looked at the book for a second. "Meh." She then read the small, quick descriptions of a few extra jokes. There were quite a few, though they were quick and not in-depth (That's what she said!) A few of her favorites were 'Call me, Maybe?' jokes, and 'Giggity' jokes. "...Those are horrible, even compared to the standards of the other jokes," she said, face-hoofing herself. She shut the book and shoved it into the corner. She just thought silently for a couple minutes. She sighed finally. "I guess I'm out to go do something with these jokes... but what should I do? Um, let's see..." She was silent for a moment. "Alright, I need new friends. I currently have none... well, Pinkie kind of likes me, but she isn't exactly my friend..." Twilight said to herself. She thought for a second. She came up with nothing, shrugged, then walked outside. "I DON'T NEED YOU!" she yelled, not saying it directly to a pony, but just into the air. She was obviously referring to her previously called 'friends'. "I'LL GET NEW FRIENDS! BETTER ONES!"
Then, a pony Twilight knew, but just couldn't recognize walked in front of her. "Who are you even talking to... Twilight?" she said, almost forgetting the purple unicorn's name. "You're even weirder after you came back from the moon." The pony began walking away.
"Who was that?" Twilight said to herself. She thought for a moment, still staring at the pony who was walking away from her. She tried to remember who it was, then it hit her like a hit on the head with an encyclopedia. "Bon-Bon!"
The mare stopped and turned around. "Hm?" she said.
Twilight ran up to her. "Hey, Bon-Bon!" she said between breaths. "Long time, no see, huh?"
"Um... sure..." Bon-Bon said quizzically. "...What do you want?"
"So," Twilight said, regaining her breath. "How have been lately? How's Lyra?"
"I've been fine, and Lyra's fine to, but she's been a bit antsy for the last couple days, since she's up in Canterlot, doing some performance with her lyre. Gosh, I have that song stuck in my head, since she's be playing it day and night for the past week. I think Vinyl Scratch went there, also." Bon-Bon said, rolling her eyes. "So... I heard you just came back yesterday. How was it on on the moon? How's it been since you came back?"
Twilight inhaled loudly. "WELL, I still didn't give a buck about anything while on the moon, especially to Nightmare Moon.." Bon-Bon cringed an eye, since she still hated that joke. "And, well, after coming back, I learned that all of my friends still hate me. And Spike also left me, since he was Purple Arrow's companion apparently. So now I'm alone. I was hoping I could hang out with you, since you're one of the few ponies I know and don't hate or is hated by," Twilight said, blazing through her sentences; she finished with an awkward smile.
Bon-Bon tilted her head. "Um... sure... I was about to hang out with Derpy, Octavia, and the rest of the crew. I guess you can come along with me."
Twilight suddenly got a huge smile on her face. She started hopping around Bon-Bon, just like she did to Shining Armor and Princess Celestia when she was a filly. "Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank y-"
Bon-Bon shoved a hoof in her mouth, with an annoyed look on her face, though she wasn't actually looking at Twilight. "Okay, let's go."
The two mares started walking through Ponyville to get to their destination. Yes! I can make friends! Twilight said, rubbing her hooves together. I'll show them! I'll show them all! I don't need them! She got a maniacal smile on her face and started laughing crazily. "HA HA HA HA HA HA!"
Bon-Bon turned to her. "Um... are you okay?"
Twilight suddenly realized she was laughing out loud. She quickly went quiet. "Um... yeah."
They continued on. Twilight was in an awkward silence for the rest of the way until they got to their destination. After about a mile of walking, they ended up in a park. Twilight saw Bon-Bon's regular friends: Derpy, Doctor Whooves, and Octavia. And no Lyra or Vinyl Scratch, obviously.
"Um, hi, guys," Bon-Bon said; her friends waved. "Um... Twilight wants to come along with us today... for some reason. Is that okay?"
All of the ponies shrugged and nodded, continuing their previous activities, not paying attention to their purple guest. Of course, Twilight got bored quickly, since it isn't fun to do nothing, obviously. She looked around at the ponies, deciding which pony to bug first; she decided her first victim would be the mysterious Dr. Whooves, whom had a past that was unknown to everypony except him. Twilight sneaked up to the stallion, whom was reading a newspaper. (Or what they thought was a newspaper...) Twilight slowly sneaked over from the right, eventually getting herself into his view. He looked at her, and slowly lowered his newspaper. "Um... hello?" he said.
"O hai thar," Twilight replied.
"...Um... is there something you want?" he said back.
"I'm bored."
"And...?"
"Entertain me!" Twilight said like a foal.
"You have lost much maturity in the last few years. But, okay. We can... I dunno... talk?"
"Sure!" Twilight sat down and... rolled over like a dog. Sigh... I have no idea what I'm even doing with this story anymore. "What do you want to talk about?" She rolled back over. "Adult pony stuff?" she said, raising and lowering her eyebrows.
"Ew! No!" he returned with disgust. "What is wrong with you?!"
"I dunno. Apparently readers like these kinds of references."
"Wait, what?"
"N-never mind. Just, um... I still hate this damn author..." She picked her script off of the ground. "Um... it says that you have to ask me, 'When did you come back from the moon?'"
"What? What tells me to ask you that? And what is that piece of pap-"
"JUST ASK ME THE DAMN QUESTION!" Twilight yelled.
"O-okay..." he said in a miserable voice. "Um..." He gulped. "W-When did you come back from the moon?"
"Just yesterday!" Twilight said in a suddenly light voice.
"And... um..." He was still shaky. "W-why did you go in the first place?"
"I used to be on this planet..." Twilight started to giggle. "But then I took an arrow to the knee!" Twilight burst out in laughter and fell to the ground.
"Oh hell no!" Dr. Whooves said in a suddenly confident voice. "I went to a planet called 'Earth' once. That was the worst, most overused so-called 'joke' on the planet! Ugh, I still hate it!" He stomped his hoof and walked away.
"You mad, bro?" Twilight said.
"BUCK YOU!" he yelled and started running.
"PWNED!" Twilight yelled back.
"SHUT UP!!" he finished because Twilight ran out of comebacks.
Okay, I guess I can just annoy the crap out of all of these ponies, since these ponies aren't cool enough. Now... who next? How about Octavia! Octavia, the Canterlot pony, was reading a book. Not very interesting. Twilight gave a 'buck you' to gravity and somehow managed to scoot herself into Octavia's view upside-down.
"Hello?" she asked, staring at the upside-down pony.
"Let's talk!" Twilight said with a big smile.
"How about no," Octavia replied and lifted her book back up to continue reading. Physics suddenly applied to Twilight again and she fell.
"Hey, I remember reading that in my jokes book! Did you read it, too?" Twilight said, pointing a hoof at her chest.
Octavia lowered her book and stared into Twilight's eyes. "I did read it, but it's not like I use every joke everywhere like you are."
Twilight was confused. "Wait, how do you know that?"
"Well, other than everypony in Ponyville talking about it, it says so in the script." She turned the book around to show the script.
"Wait, somepony else reads the script?' Twilight couldn't believe it.
"Yes, now leave me alone." She turned her book back around and continued reading.
Well, that's one pony I can't troll. Now... there's Derpy and Bon-Bon. Bon-Bon will be the final boss, since she apparently laughs at everything. I shall defeat Derpy! She walked up to Derpy, who was eating a muffin, just like she does in every fan fiction.
Derpy finished chewing and swallowing her bite of the muffin. "Hi, Twilight!" she said in her regular, peppy voice. "You're still not mad for almost murdering you that one day by dropping a bunch of stuff on you, are you?" she said in a sadder voice, slightly lowering her ears.
"Silly Derpy, everyone knows you can't die by being crushed in a cartoon! If that happened, Tom and Jerry would have died in the first episode, along with Wild E. Coyote!"
"Oh! I know them! Aren't they from, like, Yu-Gi-Oh or something?"
Twilight face-hoofed herself. "Not sure if troll or idiot. I'm not even to try. I guess I'll go troll Bon-Bon, since I have a perfect one in store for her." She walked up to Bon-Bon, who was just looking around. "I am here to troll you!"
"Go ahead. You can't troll me, I laugh at everything," she said with a smirk on her face.
Twilight got a big smile on her face. "Are you sure? I saved the most rage-inducing one for you. Don't be so confident."
Bon-Bon shoved her face up to Twilight's. "Challenge accepted."
Twilight scooted back, making her smile even bigger. After a minute of waiting, she finally said, "...Dolan pls."
Bon-Bon suddenly entered rage mode. "OH I AM GOING TO WIPE OFF YOU'RE PUNY LITTLE EXISTENCE FROM THIS PLANET, MARK MY BUCKING WORDS!!" Twilight was already frolicking away towards her home.
"Best troll ever!" Twilight was laughing to herself. She finally got home and went inside. She laid on her bed and smiled. So worth it. Suddenly, a burst of magic appeared next her. She stared at it for a second, and it formed into a letter. Kind of like when Spike belched up a letter, except without the dragon. And the stinky burp. She picked it up using her magic and read it.
Dear Twilight Sparkle,
Due to your high amount of disharmony, Discord has been released again. I would tell you to gather your fellow elements to defeat him, but the Elements of Harmony have exploded because of how much your friends hate you now. So, this is what I'm going to tell you to do: Gather your fellow elements. I don't know why, just do it. It'll make for an interesting chapter. And I can't do it since I'm a lazy buck. And if you defeat Discord, we won't attack you for stealing a house... maybe.
Have fun, Princess Celestia of Equestria
"OH BUCK ME!" Twilight yelled. She had to convince all 5 of her friends to be her friends again (along with finding Rainbow Dash), and then somehow defeat Discord. She's going to have a bad time.
The not-so epic finale you probably haven't been waiting for.
Twilight knew her fate: To get her friends to like her again. It was a crappy fate, but it was one nonetheless. She walked outside, wind blowing in her mane. "I must get my friends to like me again!" she said into the distance. "Somehow..." Okay Step one... my friends like me... okay, redo...
Step 1, part 1: Make somepony like me again... how about Pinkie! That'll be the easiest! She trotted on over to Sugar Cube Corner and walked inside to see Pinkie just working there. "Come on, Pinkie. We're going on an adventure."
Even though she would have denied for work and blabbety blah blah, I'm- wait, Pinkie will just do it for me.
"Yay! Adventure time!" she hopped up and down from behind the counter to in front of Twilight.
"Wow, I... um... kind of thought you would deny," Twilight said.
"We all just want this chapter to end, don't we?" Pinkie replied.
Twilight sighed. "Yes. Yes we do." Okay! Step 1 Part 1... Check! Now Step 1 Part 2... somepony else to like me! Let's see... How about Appleja- no, she absolutely hates me. Nopony knows where Rainbow Dash is... How about... Rarity! She kind of likes me!
"Onwards to Rarity's house, it is!" Pinkie said.
"Wait, I never said that out loud," Twilight said.
"Duh! Pinkie senses, silly!"
"Wait, what?... Never mind. Let us go!" The two then traveled to Rarity's new home. Nothing special.
When they approached it, Twilight said, "Okay, let's just talk to her and-"
Pinkie yelled, "FUS RO DAH!" She then kicked the door down, revealing Rarity sitting on a chair.
"Wah!" she screamed. "Why would you do that?! You're paying for that you kn-"
Twilight shoved a hoof in her mouth. "No time for being a bitch, Rarity! We have to kill- I mean, defeat Discord!"
Rarity pulled the hoof out of her mouth. "And why should I help you?"
Twilight stared into Rarity's eyes. She whispered, "Because if you don't, I will wipe off your miserable existence from this planet. You got that?"
Rarity gulped. "Y-Yes..."
Twilight's mood went up again. "Okay! Step 1 Part 2 done! Now, Step 1 Part 2 Episode 1..." Her friends looked at her strange. She said, "I don't like the number 3, just so you know. I distantly related to Gabe Newell." Pinkie understood, but Rarity didn't, obviously. "Now, which one?... How about Flutterbitch!" The three traveled to the cottage on the edge of Ponyville. "Okay, who about we actually-"
Pinkie interrupted again by yelling, "THIS. IS. SPARTA!" and kicking the door down again. They saw Fluttershy inside.
"What are you doing here?!" Fluttershy asked.
"You're coming with us!" Twilight said.
"And why should I come with you?" Fluttershy asked.
Twilight walked up to her and whispered, "Because if you don't, I'll make sure to give every single one of your "cute little animals" the Bubonic Plague, better known as the Black Death. They will soon all die, and you'll watch it happen."
Fluttershy shrunk down a bit. "O-Okay..." she said in her old, tiny voice.
"Okay!" Twilight said in a happy voice again. "I'm good at threatening! I should start blackmailing more! Okay... now Step 1 Part 2 Episode 2... Applejack!" The four walked on over to Sweet Apple Acres to see the orange mare there.
"Hey, girls! Long time, no see!" Applejack said. She then noticed Twilight. She lowered her voice. "Why are you hanging out with her?" She motioned her eyes towards the purple unicorn.
"Shut the buck up, Applejack. We have to beat the shit out of Discord," Twilight replied.
"How about YOU shut up before I make you do it," Applejack replied.
"OOOOOHHHH!" the other ponies there... said? Does that work?
Twilight walked up to Applejack and whispered something in her ear. Even I, the author, don't know what she said. But all I can tell is that it was something very brutal. Twilight walked away; Applejack gulped, started sweating, and gave an awkward smile. "O-Okay.... I-I guess I'll go with you girls..." Applejack said. She joined the group, still awkwardly smiling.
"What did you say?" Rarity asked Twilight.
"I didn't even say anything; the author's too lazy. But I think he'd have to change the rating to 'mature' if he actually did put it in," Twilight said. She suddenly stopped dead in her tracks. "Wait a bucking second. We have to find Rainbow Dash for Step 1 Part 2 Episode 2. But none of us no where in Equestria she is!" The other ponies looked at each other, confused. Except for 1: Pinkie Pie, and Twilight noticed this; she just stood there awkwardly. "I know it was you, Pinkie Pie!" Everypony else became quiet and looked at Pinkie. "You're the one who hospitalized the ponies, but blamed it on Rainbow Dash! Case solved." She crossed her front legs and gave a look of accomplishment.
Pinkie replied, "Dammit Twilight, for the last time, I'm not the Red Herring. But I do know where Rainbow Dash is..."
Twilight walked up to her and grabbed her by her non-existent shirt. "Take us to her."
"Okay, okay. Sheesh! You didn't have to do that!" She brought them to Sugar Cube Corner and brought them inside. "Rainbow Dash has been hiding in my basement for a long time. Go in." She opened the door to the dark, creepy basement; Twilight walked in first, followed by everypony else.
"Gee, it sure is dark in here," Twilight said. She made an illumination spell create a small bit of light come from her horn; she looked around. "Wait... is that a torture table? And a bucket of insides?" She moved her light over to the side... where she saw the skin of Rainbow Dash, except without her wings. "Ah! You taxidermized Rainbow Dash! Rainbow Dash has been Cupcakes'd!" All of the ponies started screaming.
"What's going on?" said a voice in a dark corner. Twilight moved her light to it and saw a pony in the corner. More specifically, Rainbow Dash. "Okay. I have not been Cupcakes'd; both me and Pinkie wish that we never read it." Pinkie nodded her head slowly.
"Then explain your skin over there!" Twilight said, pointing her hoof at the "skin" of Rainbow Dash.
"There was a whole bunch of arts and crafts down here. I stitched it all together to become a life-sized replica of me... You can obviously tell I've been bored as fuck when I do that."
Everypony gasped. "How could you use that word?!" Twilight asked.
"What?" Rainbow Dash asked. "You say buck all the time, why can't I say fuck?"
"Because it's a very inappropriate word!" Pinkie replied. "'Buck' is a ponified word! 'Fuck' isn't!" Everypony else (except Rainbow Dash) gasped again.
"Okay, let's just all just shut the buck up and leave," Twilight implied. They all agreed and left. And Rainbow Dash joined them for some reason, also. "Okay, now that we have everypony, we are onto step 2: Beat the living shit out of Discord. Now, where is he?"
"Up your ass and around the corner," a voice said.
Twilight turned around. "Okay, which one bucking pieces shit said that?!"
"It was me!" said an ominous voice. Suddenly, a crack of magic and Discord appeared. "I never get old of that joke!" he said. He wiped away a tear from his eye. "Ah... classic."
"Prepare your ass, Discord! Because we're about to kick it!" Twilight said, getting into a battle stance.
"Well, that escalated quickly. How about my face instead? I really don't even know where my ass is."
"Objection, Discord! Personally, I prefer your ASS!" Twilight got up closer to him, cringing an eye.
"Hey! Twilight! Twilight! Twilight!" Pinkie said.
"Ugh, you only have to say it once, you know," Twilight replied.
"I've got to interrupt this dialogue to tell you an important message! You see, the whole "Twilight ruins her life by using bad jokes" thing is a conspiracy! GoldenEagle159 was aiming his stupid story at prepubescent bronies in order to get the feature box on FiMFiction (and fail)! Wait wait wait, there's more! It was secretly funded by ROBCakeran53... and Princess Celestia!"
Twilight punched her in the face. "I'm not asking you." (+1 INTERNET 4 U IF U GET THAT AWESOME REFERENCE) Continuing...
"...Did you read my crappy joke book?" Discord asked calmly.
Twilight scooted back. "Well, I did read a crappy joke book, but it wasn't made by you..."
Discord replied, "O RLY?" He snapped his finger and a book landed on her head, pushing her face into the ground. She looked at the book and saw it was a non-dusty version of her jokes book. "Read the author's name..."
Twilight stared at the book. "...by Discord..." Discord smiled smugly. "...and Princess Luna." Discord lost his smile. "Wait, what?"
"Crap, I forgot she co-authored that with me." He looked at Twilight, who was staring at him. "We dated a bit in high school, okay?"
"Well, now what? Are you going to use your evil Discord touch stuff? Are you going to make Fluttershy a bitch so that the viewers hate you?" Twilight said. Fluttershy grunted.
Discord frowned. "You have no helements of armory! It's not fun being completely overpowered!" He snapped his finger and a table appeared between Twilight and him; he put his elbow on it and put his hand on his face. Twilight did the same. Except with a hoof instead of a hand, silly. "What should we do so that I'm not overpowered and you have chance of winning?"
Twilight said, "Well, we both know crappy jokes; why not have a face-off with them?"
Discord's jaw dropped. "Great scott, that's genius!" He snapped his fingers and they were suddenly in an arena; Twilight and Discord were in the middle, and the other ponies were in the stands.
"What just happened?" Twilight asked, shaking her head.
"We're in an arena!" Discord said, raising an arm into the air. "And your friends are here to watch your ass get kicked!" He pointed off into the stands where Twilight's friends sat.
"Boo!" Applejack yelled. "Twilight sucks! Go Discord!"
Pinkie nudged her. "You're rooting for the wrong side!"
"No I'm not!" Applejack replied.
"See?" Discord asked in the Demoman's voice. He continued in his regular voice, "Even your friends hate you!"
Twilight grinned. "Your ass is grass and I'm about to smoke it."
"Oh!" the ponies yelled from the stands.
"How do they even hear us?" Twilight asked.
"I HAVE NO IDEA!" Discord said in the Medic's voice.
"...So have we started yet?"
Discord shrugged. "Sure, why not."
Twilight began, "Um... where to start? Um... here. Yo mama so stupid, she returned a puzzle because she thought it was broken!"
Discord snapped his finger and a table appeared again; he put his elbow on the table and his hand on his face again. "Oh wow, a Yo Mama joke. You must be so original."
Twilight went into the same stance. "Why yes. Yes I am."
Discord was silent for a few moments. "...I've already ran out of ideas."
Twilight added, "So have I."
"...What do we do now?"
Twilight thought for a moment. Then, an idea came to her. "Ooh! I have an idea!"
Discord stared at her. "And what idea may that be?"
Twilight got an evil smile. "It's simple; I kill you, ending this stupid story."
Discord soaked it in for a moment, but then it hit him. "What- wait! No! I do not approve of thi-"
Twilight interrupted by firing a spell at him, causing him to explode into 100 pieces. She smiled. "I win." She and her friends were suddenly sent to Princess Celestia's castle.
"You did horrible!" all of the other ponies said. Then, Princess Celestia walked up to Twilight and smiled.
"I won!" Twilight said.
"That's great, Twilight Sparkle..." Princess Celestia said; she walked back a bit. Suddenly, a cannon started rising out of the ground, under Twilight.
"Wait, what's going on?! I thought I wasn't getting sent to the moon!" Twilight panicked, running around in the cannon.
"I said maybe. And it was maybe not. ...And you can gloat about your victory... ON THE MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONAAAAAAAA!" Twilight was launched out of the cannon to the moon. "BEE-YETCH!" All of Twilight's friends just stared, awe-shocked.
On the moon, Twilight landed head-first. She pulled herself out of the ground.
"Damn, you got sent back here fast," said Nightmare Moon, who stared at Twilight.
Suddenly, Discord's ghost appeared. He said to Twilight, "I swear, I am going to murder you in your sleep."
Twilight smiled. "I still don't give a buck."
TEH END.
*Credits begin, where my name constantly just repeats*
Applejack died two years later from a seizure.
Rarity got held captive by Mexicans, and died by being strangled.
Rainbow Dash got cut in half by Fluttershy, then baked into cupcakes by Pinkie.
Fluttershy got sent to a mental hospital for cutting Rainbow Dash in half.
Pinkie choked on her cupcakes.
The Cutie Mark Crusaders had a successful career as porn stars. (YES, THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED.) Apple Bloom died by being crushed, Sweetie Belle randomly exploded one day, and Scootaloo died because she fell off of a cliff.
Twilight and Nightmare Moon eventually worked together to overthrow Princess Celestia and rule Equestria.
Discord is still dead.
All of the background ponies died by being forgotten.
And the author of this story types this shitty ending. He was soon murdered in his sleep by a reader who was not happy with the ending.
Tahnks for reading please buy my book at goldeneagle159 .com i am poor :(
(Don't actually go to that website, since it doesn't exist.)
