Not bad but there are a few issues. First, separate your dialog from your narration it will look more professional; and easier to read. Second, add some details in the sex it was over as soon as it started. Use all five senses it increases the enjoyment of your stories. Third, add a cover image it draws the eye. Hope this helps
7267331 Thanks ^^ this is exactly what i was looking for. It's my first try on any fic ever, i only have practice from some rp's with my friend. Also that was a question i had on a mod, how should i seperate the dialogue? By additional paragraphs?
Basically if someone is talking separate it even if it is the same character talking. For example when you had Soarin talking then you went over to narration then had him talk again you should have made it a new paragraph. It makes it easier to read. If you go to the writing guide on this site it will go in-depth on proper grammar and writing guides.
7268570 i see now, you know i'm still quite using the classic way. We do that all the time in my language lessons, so when it comes to speach i just make a : (don't know what it's called) and then i start with "Blah blah," and so on and so forth. But thanks for that, imma edit that and edit the second chapter.
"Do you see that?" he waited until she opened her eyes again looking at his rod, "i bet i'm bigger than your brother, ever seen a prick like that?" he said with pride, seemingly very proud of his endowment, his balls nothing small either.
Not bad but there are a few issues. First, separate your dialog from your narration it will look more professional; and easier to read. Second, add some details in the sex it was over as soon as it started. Use all five senses it increases the enjoyment of your stories. Third, add a cover image it draws the eye. Hope this helps
You done fucked up son.
You wrote a very tasteful warning.
7267331
Thanks ^^ this is exactly what i was looking for. It's my first try on any fic ever, i only have practice from some rp's with my friend. Also that was a question i had on a mod, how should i seperate the dialogue? By additional paragraphs?
7268527 Dialog gets its own paragraph ie.
"Blah, blah, blah" said whoever.
"Nah, nah, nah" replied whos it.
Basically if someone is talking separate it even if it is the same character talking. For example when you had Soarin talking then you went over to narration then had him talk again you should have made it a new paragraph. It makes it easier to read. If you go to the writing guide on this site it will go in-depth on proper grammar and writing guides.
7268570 i see now, you know i'm still quite using the classic way. We do that all the time in my language lessons, so when it comes to speach i just make a : (don't know what it's called) and then i start with "Blah blah," and so on and so forth. But thanks for that, imma edit that and edit the second chapter.
7268593 Glad to be of assistance I look forward to seeing your work
7268673 you have no idea how glad i am to hear this XD
This looks very promising +fav
7269408 I like to hear that ^^ hopefully the next chapter will be as satisfying if not even more.
"Do you see that?" he waited until she opened her eyes again looking at his rod, "i bet i'm bigger than your brother, ever seen a prick like that?" he said with pride, seemingly very proud of his endowment, his balls nothing small either.
yep you are a prick