• Published 18th Jun 2012
  • 2,061 Views, 61 Comments

The Lullaby of the Lich - Gearhorn

Ever have a girl decide you were going to be her boyfriend? Well a certain unnamed protagonist dd.

  • ...

May I suck your blood?

After Captain Fluffy showed me to his office, he left me there. Supposedly so that he could get his troops to clean up the mess though, I think it may have been his way of getting back at me for using him as a mount, or calling him Captain Fluffy, or rofl pwning one of his soldiers. Anyway, he ended up showing back up in his office four hours later while I was in the middle of trying to animate a golem, I had made out of various objects in his office. Hearing him walk in, I quickly released the flow of magic I had been using to try to animate the golum. With very little noise pencils, papers, a stapler, a few paper clips fell apart on his desk, and the light emitting from my skin slowly died.

“What was that?” He says, pointing at the pile of mangled office supplies.

“Well, that's a rather vague question, but I think you are asking about the spell I am working on.” He just stares at me.

“What are you?”

“Wow! Blunt question.” Seeing that he was very curious, I decided to toy with him, a bit. “Ok, I will give you ten questions that I will answer truthfully, and at the end you will get the chance to guess what I am.”

“Ah come on, just tell me!” I sat there putting my hoof to my chin, like I was contemplating something very deeply.

“Nope!” I said happily.

“...Fine. So you can breath fire.”


“And you are immune to fire.”

“So far that seems to be the case.”

“And you can use magic even though you are a earth pony.”


“You also seem to glow red when channelling magic.”


“You also have super pony strength and speed.”

“Yes, and that’s question five and six.”

“Do you have abilities that I haven't listed so far?”


“You are a experienced fighter.”

“Yes, and you only have two questions left” I started smiling a bit.

“How did you get here?”

“A goddess dropped me off not too far from here” My smile widened even more.

“So the Royal Sisters sent you to help us?”

“No, but I am here to help you nonetheless. And that concludes our little Q&A, and just so you know the correct question you should have asked me was, what am I. Now go ahead and guess. I really doubt you will guess it.”

“Oh, thanks. For my fourth question, I would like to ask what are you?”

“Silly, you already used your ten questions.”

“Did I? I only asked you four questions, counting this last one. The other ‘questions’.” Yes, he made air quotes with his hooves. ”Were merely statements that you kindly reaffirmed to be true.” he said with a slight smirk on his face.

“.....Touche Captain Fluffy. Touche indeed.”

“So what are you?”

“A lich.”

“A lich?”

“Basically, I am a undead creature that feeds on the blood and flesh of the living. I need pony blood in order to stabilize my form, and I have the ability to manipulate life and death, well at least to a limited extent. My current flesh is made out of a dragon I killed, with an army of undead skelly ponies.”

“Actually, it was probably a drake, seeing as dragons don’t nest near drakes.” He said calmly. It was strange, just how well he was taking all this, I mean I was more than a bit nervous telling him, BUT he seemed to be the leader, and I wanted to be somewhat honest with the leader, it should make things easier later on.

“Oh! That’s even cooler. Anyway I have a book implanted into my head, by a goddess, that is also my girlfriend. *Peals of thunder* Will be my girlfriend, when I get actual living flesh. Anyway, the book has a lot of spells in it, a basic how to on the pony culture, though I haven't bothered to read that. It also has some parts of it that seem to be replicas of other chapters. Some of it looks like hieroglyphs, there is a part written in Latin, and some other languages I don’t recognise. Oh! And Japanese for whatever reason. Not sure why I would have to learn Japanese in Equestria. Also, I used to be a creature called a human that is a bipedal ape, with no fur. I was under constant attack, from my own species everyday for the last” At this point I try to count on my fingers, only to realise I don’t have fingers.”Three years, and I got sent here by my only friend, that turned out to be a god.” I was telling him more than he asked for, but he won fair, and square.

“Ok... so why did she drop you here.” He asked trying to process the sudden info dump.

“Let’s see. Hopeless situation. Imminent doom. You are surrounded by lots of foes, I don’t have to hold back when fighting them. I do believe this is what she would call a quest hub”

“Quest hub?”

“Basically it’s where heroes go in order to get stronger, help the civvies, and get better weapons and armor.”

“Ok...” He clearly wasn’t getting it.

“Basically consider me a mercenary. You give me a list of possible jobs, I decide which one I want to take depending on several factors. Such as, if I like the person the quest is for, what the reward is, and how dangerous it is.”

“Ok. I think, I understand.”

“Good, then tell the good townspeople that there is a crazy merc in town willing to help them kill off the baddies for a cost. Also make sure that you tell them that they don’t have to pay with bits. It doesn’t even doesn’t even have to be a object. Services, and favors will work as payment though I will only be accepting favors, or I owe yous from you right now. Wait, for now just items and bits for rewards, that should make things easiest. So that’s all, got it?” He nods his head. “Then go, get the word out so I can start questin!” I said with authority, forcing him to look only at my draconic eyes.

“Got it!” With that he started to leave, but before he could get out the door I grabbed his tail.

“Make sure you don’t tell anyone about the rest of my powers.” Putting extra emphasis on the word powers. “Just tell them that I am part drake”

“That wouldn’t work. Drakes reproduce asexually”

“Oh wow you’re just full of info aren't ya” He smirked a bit at that. “Hmmm, then how about part dragon with a high control over my flames. That would work right?”

“Yes, that should work.”

“Then get to it soldier” I said letting go of his tail. He actually salutes me, before leaving the room. Silly impressionable captain. He was going to be having a lot of trouble soon. A lot of trouble indeed. With nothing better to do, I went back to trying to create a functional office supply gollum.


Two hours, one partially exploded office, a failed gollum, and one concussed lich later. Found me staggering drunkenly, out of a now doorless office in search of tweezers. Apparently, wooden desk make great shrapnel even when nearly vaporized.

Stumbling toward the infirmary, if the signs were to be believed, I bumped into none other than Blitzkrieg. Seeing me stumbling around like a fool, with pieces of wood sticking out of me, ranging in size from a doorknob to a sewing needle. He started laughing right in my face. Like three inches from my face, and to top it all off his breath smelled like rotten milk. I just smile smugly.

“Hey Blitz, like what you did with your mane there. The fire thrown look, really looks good on y..” He head butted me. My fur turned crimson for a second, but I managed to keep from hurting him. Instead I just walked away, maybe I could save Captain Fluffy some trouble after all.

“Yeah, that’s what I thought you bastard child!” I just give him a look, which caused him to flinch, and when you are this cute, that is dang impressive. Yeah, I would have to keep a eye on that one.

Finally, reaching the infirmary mostly healed by this point thanks to my own spells, and natural regeneration. I look around not seeing the Doctor anywhere. “Hey Doc. You there?” I asked in my best childs voice. I do realize that I was against being a filly. Still am for that matter, BUT if life throws shit your way, you got to learn to roll with it.........No wait. If life throws me lemons, I start playing lemonade tycoon in realz yo. Phhheeew totally saved that one.

“Over here.” I hear a male voice say from behind a curtain. I look inside to see a black maned, blue hair stallion, in the middle of surgery. Suppressing a scream, I quickly close the curtains.

“Um, I’ll just find the tweezers on my own.” I said nervously. Looking around, I just see curtains and shelves full of medical supplies everywhere. After looking through shelf, after shelf, after shelf, I finally conceded defeat.“Hey, where do you keep the tweezers?!”

“Over there” He said, as a blood splatter appeared on the curtain.”Damn it all. I really need to stop talking with my hooves.” after a pause he nervously says “The tweezers are in the second to last brown cabinet, toward the back.”

“Thanks. I’ll give it right back when I’m done.” I said to the bloodied curtain.

“Don’t worry about it, just keep them. I got plenty enough to stock a whole town. *Sigh* If only I had that much plasma.” Well there goes the option of stealing blood, from a blood bank.

“Can’t you just get some from the villagers?”

“Nope they're too superstitious. Every time I ask for blood, they keep trying to accuse me of being a vampire. Only ones with a lick of sense, is the Cap’n and surprisingly Blitzkrieg.” After saying this his voice turns joking.”Though, Blitzkrieg usually says something about wanting to be a vampire to kick the Captains sorry ass back to Canterlot.” Yeah definitely going to stick with Captain Fluffy as my blood bank. Blitz could be a good source..or he could have me turned over to the villagers.

“That’s dumb, who believes in vampires anyway. He hehehe he” I laugh nervously. Luckily he didn’t notice.

“It’s all those damn horror books in the library, that’s about drove the town mad with hysteria.” Hmm. Options.

1. Burn down the library

2. Write a vampire romance story

3. Claim to be a vampire hunter

4. Try to send a letter to Celestia asking for about fifty copies of Twilight. If said book exist in this reality.

While arson would be fun, I would be in deep trouble if caught. Writing a story would take too long. No, one would believe me to be a vampire hunter. I’m not sure if Twilight exist in this dimension, or if I can send letters through fire, and do I really want to doom an entire town to sparkly vampire romance?. NAY I SAY! NAY!...That only leaves me with the, I’m a vampire who hunts vampires option. Problems with this plan...a lot. Ups, if I manage to live I may be able to feed off the villagers for a while....till they catch on that I am the only vampire. F. Option five leave everything as is, and hope you don’t get caught.

Leaving the Doctor’s office, I had a bit of a heavy heart. On the bright side though, I had a pair of tweezers. “YAY TWEEZERS!” I shout. Thus dropping my tweezers. “No...tweezers.” I whisper sadly. I teared up a little, I blame the childish body causing my mind to lapse back into a immature state. I was totally not like this before >.>.

“Are you ok?” Comes the caring voice of Captain Ninja Fluffy. I jumped clear off the ground and spun around.

“Bad Fluffy! No ninja moves for you!”

“I’ve been meaning to ask. How do you know my name?”

“I don’t”

“Obviously you do, or else you wouldn’t be calling me by it all this time.”

The light bulb goes off. “Wait you name, is Fluffy?”


“HAHAHAHAHAHAOHHAHAJEEZHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA” I said while rolling on the floor laughing. I kept rolling around laughing for a good couple of minutes, I mean seriously who names their child Fluffy.

“Are you about done now?”

I reach, up touching the corner of my mouth, becoming instantly serious. “Yes. I am done” This seemed to confuse him a bit, but I really didn’t care to explain. Not that I could explain it.

“So, did you tell everyone.”

“No. I left it on a message board.” OMG, THEY HAVE A TOWN MESSAGE BOARD! SWEEEEET! “That will do.” I said calmly. “Now, I will need a little bit of your blood.” I know asking for blood from him is a bit abrupt, but I needed it in order to stabilize my form, which I needed in order to be able to increase my magic power, and increase the power of my flesh. In short, pony blood is a quick way to level up.

“Um, okay.” He said closing his eyes.

“This way Cap.“ I said walking past him, back toward his room. He simply nods his head nervously and follows. He obviously was willing to do just about anything to get more help even if they did happen to come from fillies...that drink blood.

Getting back to his office, I find it nearly exactly as it had been originally with a slight bend in the wooden walls. “So you managed to fix it already. That’s pretty awesome.”

“Yes. Yes it is.”

Closing the door, I walk over to him where he was sitting on the guest side of the table. “Here.” He says extending a hoof toward me. His face a mixture of determination and anxiety. I slowly bite into his leg. The taste of his blood explodes in my mouth, it was sweet, sweeter than sugar, and the rest of the flavor, well there really isn’t an accurate way to describe it, the only word that comes to mind is bliss. My world filled with the taste of his blood I kept drinking and drinking. ‘How long have I been drinking?’ I think to myself. Soon after I am snapped out of my stupor, by the captain passing out, and knocking over a shelf. This noise was apparently loud enough to be heard outside.

“I better damn well not have to clean up your room again captain, it was nearly a fucking crater last time....” Blitzkrieg says as he walks in. He looks to me, looks to the Captain, whom I am standing over, with bloody fangs still extended to full. He looks back at me, a evil smile spreading across his face as he turns to run. “VAMPIRE! VAMPIRE VAMPIRE!” He yells. I snap out of my stupor, and start running after Blitz. Running outside, I see him running toward the town square, seeing him still yelling, I give chase. He looks back, hearing my hoofsteps as I approach him, seeing me gaining ground on him, he puts on a extra burst of speed. I also speed up, I almost catch him when he makes a hard right, I lose a lot of ground, not expecting the sudden turn. I start chasing him again, I almost have him again, when he turned another corner, this time I managed to keep my ground on the turn, and as I came around the corner I saw a mob, you know the kind you always see in Frankenstein movies. So I did the only thing I could think of, barrel right through the middle of them, villagers flew everywhere, it was glorious. Coming out the other side I noticed something, there were soldier on the other side, waiting for me.


1. Surrender

2. Negotiate

3. Channel the spirit of Bruce Lee (No I can’t actually channel Bruce Lee’s spirit...or can I?)


Author’s Note:

Okay, so the next chapter will be out a bit later, I want to make sure everything in the story lines up. Also, any criticism, or compliments are welcome.

P.S. See Digitalis.