Two twin Brothers have the ability to spawn anything they want from the star wars universe from the galactic republic period. What happens when these two end up in Equestria? And what happens when Celestia despises them as monsters?
"Yeah...about that, I sorta finished it all hehe" said Brad sheepishly as he rubbed the back off his head.
"Thats it! Lieutenant Bradley, I hereby forbid you from touching the rest of my food stockpile again!" ordered Chris.
"Calm down Corporal, we're not in camp anymore so you can go order someone else" replied Brad lazily.
"Oh shut up you lazy dolt, I am technically higher than you and older than you, so that means you've got to stuff it and listen to me bitch" sneered Chris.
Emphasis added.
You're making a mistake right out the gate here. You have an enlisted man, not even an NCO but a rank-and-file infantryman, claiming to be in a position of authority over an officer. I can understand Corporal Chris bossing around Lieutenant Brad if they weren't on duty (they're brothers, after all, and that's just the kind of relationship siblings have), but on duty, it would be the other way around. Lieutenant Brad would have authority over Corporal Chris.
Also, what are their last names? "Lieutenant Brad" might work as a nickname between siblings, but he'd be properly addressed as Lieutenant [Last Name] on duty. It probably would have been a good idea to introduce him that way at the start of the story.
"I swear I'll get you back for this" hissed Brad before going to the fridge.
"Ey! Thats my fridge! Go to yours!" barked Chris as he watched his brother move to his own fridge.
Why do they have separate fridges? That's kind of abnormal, isn't it? Are they so territorial that they both need a fridge all to themselves? Context, please.
"What the fuck is that?" asked Brad as he looked at the ancient thing.
"This? This thing is a bloody winchester" informed his brother happily.
"Ok.....what the fuck are you gonna do with it?" Brad asked again.
"Errrr, just found it in the shed, come follow me" motioned his brother as they started walking towards the old rusty shed.
Jesus, Chris, it's just pancake mix. It's not worth committing fratricide over.
Wait, why didn't Brad know that there was an ancient Winchester sitting in the shed?
Suddenly a multicoloured like circle appeared in front of Chris which had a distorted look. Startled by this thing, Chris stopped in his tracks and walked back slowly. He looked around and saw Brad with the same look on his face.
"What the fuck is that!" yelled Brad as he pointed at the thing.
"I don't know!" yelled Chris.
This happens immediately after Chris asked Brad to go to the shed with him, and we never find out why Chris wanted Brad to go to the shed. It clearly wasn't to check out the portal-circle, because Chris is as surprised to see it as Brad is.
Was... was Chris actually going to take Brad into the shed and shoot him...? Over pancake batter?
"What is it?" asked Brad who still looked at it with a shocked expression.
"I don't know. It seems like some sort of gate or portal" answered Chris.
A second ago, he didn't know what the thing was. What changed? Why does Chris jump to this conclusion? Just because it's circular? And colorful? He's never seen this thing before, so he shouldn't have any idea what it is, but he immediately (and correctly) guesses that it's a portal.
Chris looked at his surroundings and found himself in a small clearing with trees all around him. He noticed the trees were very different in nature.
"These don't look like ordinary trees" thought Chris as he kept scanning the environment.
Why not? What do they look like? What's weird about them? Explain these details to your readers.
"Ah Shit!" exclaimed Brad as he clenched his head. He felt like he was having the mother of all headaches, but it wasn't a normal headache. Instead of seeing blackness he saw what seemed to be vehicles and weapons that seemed to come out of a fantasy cartoon he loved so much.
So, if I'm reading this correctly, normally when Brad has headaches, he loses his sight until the headache goes away.
...?
??????
"Seems like we might've ended up in a park or somewhere in Russia, who knows. We could be anywhere, we might not even be in America anymore" said Brad as he gave a shrug.
Shouldn't the thought that they might not even be in America anymore come before the conclusion that they're actually in Russia?
And why was Russia the first place Brad thought of, anyway? I smell a big Commie rat.
"Ok, but what do we do?" asked Chris nervously.
"I don't know, your the older guy. You should know a few tricks right?" asked Brad.
"Well I didn't pay much attention when it came to handling animals good sir" hissed Chris.
"Well thats very helpful you know" replied Brad sarcastically.
These two are supposed to be soldiers, but they're acting like douchey seventeen-year-olds. Shouldn't their training have kicked in by now?
They're taking this whole situation pretty well, come to think of it. They barely seem phased by the fact that they got sucked into a mystery portal and now know everything about Star Wars.
"Holy crap Brad! Thats a fucking Timberwolf!" exclaimed Chris as he pointed at the beast which made it growl and approach them more aggressively this time.
"A what?" asked Brad confusingly.
"A bloody Timberwolf, don't you watch MLP? This thing is standing right in front of us, a bloody mythical creature is standing right in front of us" answered Chris.
"Well sorry if I don't watch that much MLP, I'm not a hardcore fan you know" replied Brad.
Despite losing his shit when Chris watched an episode of Ponies without him, Brad would not describe himself as a hardcore fan.
'Kay then.
Just as Chris thought of a weapon a sleek black object materialised in his hands.
"Whoa! What?!" said Chris with a shocked expression.
"What the hell did you do?" asked Brad from the other side.
"I don't know! It just appeared in my hand" answered Chris.
"Well if its a gun, start shooting!" exclaimed Brad.
"I don't know how to use it!" exclaimed Chris as he fumbled with the controls, trying to find a switch or anything that would make the weapon work.
It's a gun. Chris is a soldier who doesn't know how to operate a gun.
Come to think of it, what happened to the Winchester that Chris wanted to show Brad earlier?
Chris watched as the black rifle emitted a loud "pew". Almost like that laser effect used in star wars.
It literally is the laser effect from Star Wars. Don't be cute.
"What the fuck just happened?" asked Chris as he looked at the dead bodies, even though the aren't exactly living things by his perspective, he still felt sorry for them being killed.
Ten seconds ago, he walked right past one without giving a shit that it was dead.
you dont need pancake mixture to make them its incredibly easy................................................................
Emphasis added.
You're making a mistake right out the gate here. You have an enlisted man, not even an NCO but a rank-and-file infantryman, claiming to be in a position of authority over an officer. I can understand Corporal Chris bossing around Lieutenant Brad if they weren't on duty (they're brothers, after all, and that's just the kind of relationship siblings have), but on duty, it would be the other way around. Lieutenant Brad would have authority over Corporal Chris.
Also, what are their last names? "Lieutenant Brad" might work as a nickname between siblings, but he'd be properly addressed as Lieutenant [Last Name] on duty. It probably would have been a good idea to introduce him that way at the start of the story.
Why do they have separate fridges? That's kind of abnormal, isn't it? Are they so territorial that they both need a fridge all to themselves? Context, please.
Jesus, Chris, it's just pancake mix. It's not worth committing fratricide over.
Wait, why didn't Brad know that there was an ancient Winchester sitting in the shed?
This happens immediately after Chris asked Brad to go to the shed with him, and we never find out why Chris wanted Brad to go to the shed. It clearly wasn't to check out the portal-circle, because Chris is as surprised to see it as Brad is.
Was... was Chris actually going to take Brad into the shed and shoot him...? Over pancake batter?
A second ago, he didn't know what the thing was. What changed? Why does Chris jump to this conclusion? Just because it's circular? And colorful? He's never seen this thing before, so he shouldn't have any idea what it is, but he immediately (and correctly) guesses that it's a portal.
Why not? What do they look like? What's weird about them? Explain these details to your readers.
So, if I'm reading this correctly, normally when Brad has headaches, he loses his sight until the headache goes away.
...?
??????
Shouldn't the thought that they might not even be in America anymore come before the conclusion that they're actually in Russia?
And why was Russia the first place Brad thought of, anyway? I smell a big Commie rat.
These two are supposed to be soldiers, but they're acting like douchey seventeen-year-olds. Shouldn't their training have kicked in by now?
They're taking this whole situation pretty well, come to think of it. They barely seem phased by the fact that they got sucked into a mystery portal and now know everything about Star Wars.
Despite losing his shit when Chris watched an episode of Ponies without him, Brad would not describe himself as a hardcore fan.
'Kay then.
It's a gun. Chris is a soldier who doesn't know how to operate a gun.
Come to think of it, what happened to the Winchester that Chris wanted to show Brad earlier?
It literally is the laser effect from Star Wars. Don't be cute.
Ten seconds ago, he walked right past one without giving a shit that it was dead.
RVB HUMOR!
Them: is that an AT-TE Me: yes but it’s also your doom.