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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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good job bro its a good story
7590370 Thanks
The story seems nice and I'm curious to see how Chris will interact with the ponies. Still, Brad seems to be making one bad decision after another as his trigger happy behavior did a lot of property damage and hurt Apple Bloom. Overall, I like the story and hope to see more chapters coming soon.
you dont need pancake mixture to make them its incredibly easy................................................................
The first imperial-I star destroyer was designed and built in the middle of the clone wars despite what the wiki says. just though you should know
Emphasis added.
You're making a mistake right out the gate here. You have an enlisted man, not even an NCO but a rank-and-file infantryman, claiming to be in a position of authority over an officer. I can understand Corporal Chris bossing around Lieutenant Brad if they weren't on duty (they're brothers, after all, and that's just the kind of relationship siblings have), but on duty, it would be the other way around. Lieutenant Brad would have authority over Corporal Chris.
Also, what are their last names? "Lieutenant Brad" might work as a nickname between siblings, but he'd be properly addressed as Lieutenant [Last Name] on duty. It probably would have been a good idea to introduce him that way at the start of the story.
Why do they have separate fridges? That's kind of abnormal, isn't it? Are they so territorial that they both need a fridge all to themselves? Context, please.
Jesus, Chris, it's just pancake mix. It's not worth committing fratricide over.
Wait, why didn't Brad know that there was an ancient Winchester sitting in the shed?
This happens immediately after Chris asked Brad to go to the shed with him, and we never find out why Chris wanted Brad to go to the shed. It clearly wasn't to check out the portal-circle, because Chris is as surprised to see it as Brad is.
Was... was Chris actually going to take Brad into the shed and shoot him...? Over pancake batter?
A second ago, he didn't know what the thing was. What changed? Why does Chris jump to this conclusion? Just because it's circular? And colorful? He's never seen this thing before, so he shouldn't have any idea what it is, but he immediately (and correctly) guesses that it's a portal.
Why not? What do they look like? What's weird about them? Explain these details to your readers.
So, if I'm reading this correctly, normally when Brad has headaches, he loses his sight until the headache goes away.
...?
??????
Shouldn't the thought that they might not even be in America anymore come before the conclusion that they're actually in Russia?
And why was Russia the first place Brad thought of, anyway? I smell a big Commie rat.
These two are supposed to be soldiers, but they're acting like douchey seventeen-year-olds. Shouldn't their training have kicked in by now?
They're taking this whole situation pretty well, come to think of it. They barely seem phased by the fact that they got sucked into a mystery portal and now know everything about Star Wars.
Despite losing his shit when Chris watched an episode of Ponies without him, Brad would not describe himself as a hardcore fan.
'Kay then.
It's a gun. Chris is a soldier who doesn't know how to operate a gun.
Come to think of it, what happened to the Winchester that Chris wanted to show Brad earlier?
It literally is the laser effect from Star Wars. Don't be cute.
Ten seconds ago, he walked right past one without giving a shit that it was dead.
7598430 Thank you for your criticism i will try and change the story as soon as i can to answer some of your questions. Also if theres other things that i didnt explain in the other chapters feel free to write them down in the comments so that i can make my story better for everybody.
Can the brothers only summon Clone Wars era stuff or can they do the entire Galactic Civil War? Is it limited to just that one era?
7687933 Only Clone Wars stuff im afraid
7687935 As long as it is cleared up i don't mind.
And hey, it can still be interesting to see what vehicles-soldiers-heroes will be spawned into this story by our two protragonists.
so like garrys mod
While this is a sad announcement i'm not going to act like i don't understand where you might be coming from
May you continue to write awesome stories, regardless
Don't be sorry mate, you made a beautiful story. It's understandable that you're out of ideas, but you also gave others ideas too. Sooner or later a story similar to yours will pop up and it will be all thanks to you. Hell, you probably inspired me to make something like this!
Keep writing these awesome stories, and may the Force be with you, always.
8539046
Hey i tried my best with this story.
RVB HUMOR!
Them: is that an AT-TE Me: yes but it’s also your doom.
Is one of the 27 clones one of these? https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Covert_Ops_clone_trooper
I could do this one for ya.