Anglosphere

by NYChris824

I need an adult

We walked down the hall to the dining hall, with me carrying Cadence. She rubbed her face against my cheek.

"What are you doing?" I asked, glancing down at her.

"Cuddling my favorite human." She said "Chris, why is their fur on your face?"

"It not fur, it's hair. All humans grow hair all over their bodies, except the lips, palms of our hands and soles of our feet. Women keep it all shaved off and men grow it however. Some keep it clean shaven, where as some have massive beards. I'm also the only human you know, if Noah or Nelson received the last vote for ambassador, they would be your favorite human." I told her, she gasped and looked at me

"There's MORE humans? I have to meet them! SQUEEE!" She said, letting out a squeaky toy sound effect.

"I'll give you Brian for 10 dollars." I told her

"Dollars?" She asked

"Bits" I corrected myself

"Chris!" Celestia, lightly scolded me

"Deal!" Cadence said

"Cadence!" Celestia shouted, I looked at her

"What?" I asked, playing dumb

"Slabery is illegal in both Equestria and the Crystal Empire." She told me

"Slavery is illegal here?" I said, sounding dumbstruck.

"It's legal back home?!" They all asked

"No, in some places it's still done, discreetly. My country outlawed it 150 years ago, after a civil war that lasted for four years." I said

"Civil War? Why?" Twilight asked

"Part of the country wanted to keep slavery because it was vital to the economy and the other didn't want to have slavery. The part that wanted to keep slavery seceded, which also raised the question of state rights versus the national government. Four years and 700,000 or so deaths later, the country was reunited and the President banned slavery and that's the basic rundown of the American Civil War." I said, they all looked at me in shock, suddenly a flash went off in my face and I went blind. I felt fur on my chest and heard several gasps.

"Oh God! I'm blind! More importantly why do I fell shirtless?" I asked while keeping my priorities in order. Someone lifted whatever was on my head, off I looked around to see several blushing ponies and my bare chest.

"Oh thank you God! I can see you again! What's wrong?" I asked them, seeing something was wrong.

"Y-you have teats!" Rarity stammered while blushing and doing her best Fluttershy impression.

"Yes, I do. All humans do, don't ask me why males do, we just do. But they're pointless on males." I explained.

"Ohhhh, what kind of cutie mark is that?" Pinkie asked, I glanced over at Twilight

"Didn't we already talk about how human DON'T get cutie marks?"

"Yes, but what's that on your arm?" She asked, pointing with her nose at one of tattoos.

"Oh! My tat, it's my father's police badge. My other arm has my mother's badge." I explained as my showed my other arm off.

"How do you get them?" Cadence asked

"I paid a friend of a friend to do it, Basically a needle goes under the top layer of skin and permanently marks the one under it or something."

"Does that hurt?" Rarity asked

"A little. Not much, the pain varies from place to place." I simply said, shrugging

"Did you have any family serve in the military?" Shining asked

"Shiny!" Twilight and Cadence scolded, I simply ignored them

"Both my grandfathers served in World War 2, one served in the Pacific in the Navy aboard an aircraft carrier and the other served in Europe, from D-Day to the end. I had a cousin serve in Vietnam flying helicopters." I said, not adding that he was shot down and killed.

I began to put my shirt back on. I was climbing back out to the light, when all light was blocked out, I looked up to see Cadence looking me.

"Yes?" I asked her

"Nothing." She simply said

"I need an adult." I groaned out, Cadence stuck her face deeper in and said

"I'm an adult."

"On second thought, a therapist would be nice." I replied, with everyone laughing and Cadence removed her head from the head-hole of my shirt. She still had a grip on me and I awkwardly put my shirt back on.

"Can someone explain to me why my shirt magically came off?" I asked as we arrived at the dining hall. My answer was silence. We all sat down with Cadence (as always) next to me and Rarity on my other side. We were handed menus, unfortunately I was in the mood for pizza and I found the lack of pizza disturbing.

"God, I could go for I slice of pizza." I muttered to myself

"What's that darling?" Rarity asked and everyone turned their head towards me

"Pizza is an Italian dish, that's basically dough, tomato sauce and mozzarella cheese. Altough you can add different cheese to it and toppings, such as tomatoes, peppers or meat, just to name a few. You guys don't have anything similar to that?" I asked

"No, but it sounds divine dear." Rarity said and everyone added their agreements. I stood up and walked back to the kitchen and started counting.

"2,4,6,8,10 and me, that eleven." I said "two pies it is."

"Where are you going Chris?" Celestial asked

"Don't worry! As Ace Ventura once said 'If I'm not back in five minutes. Just wait longer!'" As I slid into the doors. I walked into a state of the art kitchen, just with low counters, like everywhere else. A griffon was standing there, with a chefs hat and a pencil mustache (How do they grow those? They have feathers)

"Can I help you Monsieur?" He asked me with a French accent, throwing off even more. But I quickly recovered

"Yes, I recently learned that this planet does not have pizza and I'm here to introduce it." I explained

He gasped at that, or he burned something "Of course Monsieur! I would be honored to help you. What do you require?"

"I need dough, tomato sauce and mozzarella cheese and a a ladle." I said and we got to work, and I explained the step along the way. In ten minutes we had two pies in the oven, we sat around in comfortable silence while they cooked. I pulled them out and put them on two massive plates.

"I'm assuming you don't have pizza cutter so a knife will do." I said and grabbed one, revealing a knife the size of my forearm.

"Is a knife this size really necessary?" I asked, the chef just shrugged.

"I'm back!" I said balancing a pizza on each arm. I was about to put them in the middle, but a purple aura did it instead.

"Dude! I totally had that!" I said, taking my seat.

"Dig in everyone." I said, reaching for a slice. Only to watch as a slice flew onto everyone's plate in a golden aura of magic. I looked at them all trying to figure out how to eat it. I was a 'Folder', which is the only way to eat it as far as I'm concerned.

"How exactly do you eat this?" Rarity asked

"It isn't that hard Rarity, you could fold in half, use a fork and a knife or just eat across it like this." Pinkie said, eating the pizza from side to side in the blink of an eye. We all looked at her for a moment, I merely shrugged and explained.

"She's right, I like to fold mine. Some people eat from the crust forward or rip the crust off and put it in the middle. We call those people weird."

"Why are they weird?" Twilight asked

"'Cause that isn't right. The crust is at the end for a reason. It messes with the flow, so to say." Taking a bite of mine. Everyone else took a bite and moaned in pleasure of it.

"Is it good?" I asked smugly, knowing the answer. I received a chorus of 'Yes' except for one

"Darling this is sim-URRPP." Rarity began to say, only to burp like a truck driver. Applejack, Pinkie, Dash and I laughed at that, while everyone else, tried to hold it in. Rarity looked like she wanted to disappear. I was able to stop laughing for a moment and was able to say,

"In some cultures, that would be seen as a compliment, so thank you."

"Really? What barbaric cultures are those?" Rarity asked, scrunching her nose.

"Wow! Insult some why don't you?" Before she can apologize, I cut her off "I'm just messing with you, I think it's common in SouthEast Asia."

"What countries would those be?" Twilight asked

"Uhhh, Vietnam, Cambodia and Laos I think, probably some more." I said and with that we left and went to do our separate things.

Author's Note:

Sorry this thing took a month,I wasn't in the mood to write for awhile, I had finals and I was sick for a week.

God this one was a bitch to write for me. Hopefully the next will be easier.

Comments

[HolidaySpree]

Just keep writing :3 You are doing well!