The ricketing of the train tracks did little to ease the mind of the Pegasus, not breaking his attention from the small paper document he held in his hooves. His back laid against the the green rest within the train cart. A few other passengers were in the cart with him, but thank Celestia they were leaving him alone. The last thing Soarin ever liked to do was deal with mobs of fans.
Soarin remained fixated on the document before him, going through every word with the same care and precision expected of a wonderbolt, or rather former wonderbolt. By his side laid a modestly-sized bag of clothes and personal items. His old uniform, a few pictures, his favorite books among others. On his back he wore his favorite brown jacket,, the symbol of the wonderbolts sewn onto the back.
Soarin read through the details one last time, the full weight of the message still sinking in. It had been just a few weeks now, and yet he still could barely believe it. Cancer... His father was diagnosed when he was younger, and it seemed now that despite his best attempts to avoid the same fate, Soarin had contracted the same condition. They had told him that the condition can be inherited sometimes and it seemed now that he was unlucky enough to be diagnosed. They had given him a year to live before his body would give out.
When he received the news, he could barely bring himself to even walk out the doors of the hospital. He managed to drag himself back to headquarters to tell the team the news. He had never been quite as good friends with the other wonderbolts as he wished he had, but they were kind enough to give him the support he needed. They gave him his honorable discharge and helped him pack up, after a few teary-eyed farewells.
Luck had reached him though when a certain member of the Wonderbolt Reserve had heard of the news. She reached out to him and offered any sort of support that he might need. He mentioned gratitude in his letter and about his decision to live the rest of his life in peace and simplicity. After an exchange of letters, she offered to help him get a new home in Ponyville. An offer that he gladly accepted.
The train suddenly came to a screeching, but gradual stop as he finally looked up. He tucked the document away as he picked up his pack and threw it onto his back. “Current Stop, Ponyville!” The nearby conductor’s voice rang out.
“Ponyville.” Soarin spoke softly to himself. He been to this town only once or twice, but he always thought it was a nice little town. After all, the legendary bearers of the Elements of Harmony, including the upcoming Rainbow Dash, made their home here. He figured this would be a perfect place to live the rest of his life in peace.
Soarin walked his way out of the train and into the station. The brown woodwork clattered with hooves as ponies exited and entered the train. He took a look around, looking around for his greeter, but to no avail. One would think she would be easy to spot, but not today it seemed. He began to wonder is she would even show up. What is she? Don't tell me she forgot.
“Hey Soarin! Over here!”
As if on cue, a familiar raspy voice rang to his right. looking over, he finally found the missing pony. A cyan blue pegasus with a rainbow mane was running her way toward him. Soarin made a quick look around to see if any mobs were forming at the mention of his name. Luckily no such thing occurred.
“Hey, Rainbow Dash! How you doing?” He called out to her.
“It’s going awesome, Soar-I mean, sir!” She threw up a salute and stoic look as she came to a sudden stop in front of him.
Soarin rolled his eyes. “Oh relax, no need for any of that. Not a bolt anymore.” He threw out a hoof for her to bump, which she gladly accepted.
“So you ready to see your new house?”
“Yep. Let’s go, the sooner we get there, the sooner I can get settled in.”
The pair of Pegasi walked in mostly silence they made their way through. Soarin was mostly silent, but eagerly took in the new sights and faces. Most of the occupants were earth ponies, but here was a healthy number of unicorns and pegasi as well.
This was to be his new home and already he was beginning to like it alot. Everypony was smiling at each other. A few ponies recognized him and enthusiastically waved and greeted, but they managed to give him his space.. A few fillies and colts even for his autograph, but he couldn’t pass up. Despite that, his walk continued at a good pace as they made their way.
“So...Are you nervous at all..?” Dash spoke to him with a hint of unease in her voice. Soarin looked over at her. He knew that she may not be showing it, but he knew that she was upset to hear about his condition. She had told him before about how much he has been one of her heroes.
Soarin thought for a moment and then shook his head, keeping his eyes forward. “Being a wonderbolt, I’ve had quite a fair share of close calls. I suppose in a strange way, it sort of...prepares you for death.”
“You actually sound indifferent to it.” Dash said, with a tone of surprise and even shock.
“”It’s not that I don’t care, cause I do. It’s just when the time comes… I’m ready. I suppose I have lived a good life up until now though. Looking back, I can say I have tried to live good and be good to others, so I suppose I’m ready for it, and whatever comes afterwards.”
“But what about your parents? Wouldn’t your family care? Do they even know?”
Soarin stopped in his tracks. His stoic expression partially broke as he looked down at the ground with an emotion of anger fading into sorrow and even guilt. After a few minutes, he looked up again. “ I…lost the respect of my parents a long time ago. Enough about me though, how’ve you been?”
“Me? Oh… Well, I’ve been good. A little busier than usual with getting your house ready, but good.”
“That’s good.” Soarin made paused though, nervous about about what he was about to speak about. “You’re not.. still upset about that incident with Wind Rider, are you?” His tone was laced with worry as he spoke.
Dash looked to him with a look of confusion. ”What do you mean?”
“You don’t remember? When you were accused, I went up and threaten to expel you from the wonderbolts. Instead of doing things right and calling for an investigation, I just instantly made the conclusion that you were to blame.” He flinched as he recited what he knew to be a big mistake on his part.
“Oh that?’ Dash made a dismissing movement with her hoof.” Water under the bridge.It was all that jerk Wind Rider’s fault.”
“Yeah, well I didn’t exactly help either.”
“Relax, Soarin.We all make mistakes, and it turned out alright in the end.” Dash lightly punched in in the side, snapping him out of his stupor and causing him to shoot a “What the hell” look at her. “Now we’re even.”
Soarin just looked at her and sighed. “I guess I deserved that.”
The rest of the walk continued in silence. Before they came across a small house. “Well here we are.” Dash gestured forward with her hoof.
Soarin walked up to the house, inspecting it carefully. It was a single floored cottage not unlike the rest of the buildings surrounding it. Rainbow Dash walked in front of him and unlocked the door. Sliding it open, she handed the key to Soarin.
“Don’t lose it.”
“Don’t worry. I was just afraid that you might have.” A smug grin crept its way onto his face.
Dash did a double take on that and glared and Soarin. Soarin raised his front hooves in defence. “Oh come on, I was just kidding.”
Dash led him inside with a roll of her eyes. “I only lost it for a few minutes.” She grumbled under her breath.
Soarin took a look inside his new home. The interior was painted yellow with a brown wooden floor. A few windows shined light into the house as well as a chandelier above him. Much of the the house was spacious apart from the few pieces of furniture spread across the house. A moderately sized couch,bookshelf and table in his living room. A dining table and fridge in the kitchen, and a dresser and bed in his bedroom. Overall Soarin liked it. Different from what he was use to, but a nice change of scenery from always seeing everything made from clouds.
He walked his way into the bedroom and fell straight back on top of it, testing out how comfortable it was. Not as...comfortable as he was use to,but it’ll do. Little known fact about Pegasi that they don’t share often, clouds make the absolute BEST beds in Equestria. Still, it was comfy enough.
He spent the next few minutes unpacking and putting various things away for later. He notice Rainbow walk into his room though and pull something out.
“Lightning Head and the Wizard’s Orb?” Dash spoke up in a questioning tone.
“It’s been my favorite book for years.” Soarin spoke looking back.
“Ehhhhhh….Not my thing. Ever read Darin Do?”
“Not my type.”
“What?!” Dash spoke in a higher voice. “How can you not like Daring Do? she’s so awesome and adventurous!”
Soarin shrugged his shoulders. “I’ve read few of the books. They just don’t interest me.”
Dash rolled her eyes and put the book back. “Whatever, are you ready to go or not? By now, Pinkie Pie is probably freaking out about you not being there.”
“Sure. Ready when you are, crazy fan-girl.”
The death glare he received did nothing to stop his giggling.
I like soardash more
I am intrigued
SoarinJack for the win! You have my intrest. I hope there is MacDash
Well this is fairly enjoyable so far. The interaction between him and Rainbow is fun and flows naturally. The pacing is nice and sets the tone the fic is trying for. Depressing, but not quite tragic yet. That's to come later when the romance starts and Soarin realises that he may not be as ready to go as he thought.
On that note, some critiques I should point out.
What kind of cancer is this? It'd have to be quite a serious one to kill him off in a year. Some cancers are survivable given certain treatments and the like. It'd just be nice to know, for lack of a better phrase.
Plus are the Doctors going to do anything? You know, offer support, go over options? All the things Doctors are supposed to do? This aspect just seemed a little rushed, to be honest.
*Rolls eyes* Yeah, cause when I think peaceful, I think of a town next to a cursed forest with a neurotic Pricess, an insane party planner, the lord of Chaos and Derpy.
Other than that, this is a fairly solid start and I shall see where it goes from here! Have a fave!
6938055 Then why did you read the first chapter of a SoarinJack story?
6947538 Sorry, but there won't be any of that in this story, nor am I really that much of a fan of that ship. That being said though I am not against one day trying a crack at it if I get a decent idea.
6947550
Thank you for that. I'm really trying to make my writing to start to flow more naturally while still appealing to the senses and being respectful to the characters.
As far as why it is cancer, I could have probably left it blank, but that I think would have left too many unanswered questions, so I looked around for an illness that could have some sort of expectancy. I probably should have done some more research on that, but I'll see if I can remedy that.
As far Ponyville is concerned...yeah you got me there, but at least it won't be boring.
Third paragraph, second sentence:
Should be "weeks now,".
Fourth paragraph, second sentence:
Add "to" between "managed" and "drag", also sentence is kinda lacking. Suggest adding "the news" or some variation after "the team".
Fifth paragraph, fourth sentence:
Throw in a space after that comma.
Seventh paragraph, third sentence:
Might be stylistic, but normally I see (and practice) "Elements of Harmony" with capitols like I typed, but I'll leave that up to you.
Eighth paragraph, last sentence in italics.
How I read it, it seems you want him asking "Where is she?", because it sounds odd otherwise.
Tenth paragraph, second sentence:
Capitalize "Looking"
Eleventh paragraph:
Because it's related to his speech, "He called out to her" the he should be lower cased.
Thirteenth paragraph:
Might be stylistic, but since he's using "bolt" as a shortened term for "Wonderbolt", suggest abbreviation like 'Bolt.
Seventeenth paragraph, first sentence:
4.bp.blogspot.com/_D_Z-D2tzi14/S8TRIo4br3I/AAAAAAAACv4/Zh7_GcMlRKo/s400/ALOT.png
"A lot" is two words. Always. ALWAYS.
Seventeenth paragraph, third/fourth sentences:
You have two periods between them, drop kick one of them off. That fourth sentence is really awkward, suggest revision along the lines of "A few fillies and colts also sought for his autograph, but he couldn't pass them up."
Twenty first paragraph, first sentence:
You got an extra set of quotes at the beginning. Throw one of them out.
Twenty seventh paragraph, second sentence:
Capitalize "Wonderbolts".
Twenty eighth paragraph, second/third sentences:
Quotation mark needs to be beside "Water", not after "hoof". Then you also need to put a space after the period after bridge, or you could even make it a comma instead, either way would work.
Thirtieth paragraph, first/third sentences:
Space after "Soarin", then the first "in" of two should be "him".
Thirty seventh paragraph:
Again, related to dialogue, so "she grumbled" should be lowercase, as so.
Thirty Eighth paragraph, fifth sentence:
Space between "couch, bookshelf"
Thirty ninth paragraph, first/second sentences:
First sentence is off. You have him enter the bedroom, but fall straight back onto... what? The floor? The dresser? Need to clarify that he's falling onto his bed in his bedroom. Then second sentence, need a space between "to, but". Also, "it'll" is "it will", which breaks your past tense into present. Suggest making it "it would" instead of "it'll", reads smoother.
Forty fifth paragraph, fifth sentence:
Capitalize "She's".
Feel free to delete this comment after you've made corrections. Hope this helps! I'll check out the next two chapters when I'm able.