Rainbow Sparkles

by Julyah

Chapter one - The confession.

Rainbow dash flapped her wings and flew off the porch of her clouden home. Grunting with the weight of her saddlebag, she aimed torwards a giant treehouse in the middle of ponyville.

She had been visiting Twilight sparkle a lot these days. Every day she felt even stronger feelings for the lavender unicorn, and they welled up inside of her. She decided that today would be the day she would confess her love to her.

Almost there.

Just a littel further.

Come on.

There.

She landed neatly infront of the house, shaking the water out of her wings. Sometimes water got in because of all the clouds flying around. Anyway. She knocked politely on the treehouse door.

On the fifth knock, twilight answered. When she saw it was dash, she smiled.

The pegasus couldnt help but smile back. Her heart welled. Twilight was beautiful. Her pink and purple mane, the way her eyes gleamed and sparkled. Even her magical cutie mark, with its five white stars and-.

“Rainbow??? Hello?” Twilight called.

Dashie snapped out of it.

“Oh um sorry, my head just strated.. um... hurting..” She lied badly. “I.. um brought you a gift. Actually, two gifts.”

She opened her saddlebag with her wing to reveal a box of cookies. They were heart shaped with pink frosting and blue sprinkles.

The box was surrounded by a pink aurora and it flew over to twilight. She grinned.

“Thanks so much dashie! I love these cookies. Wanna come in and eat them with me? Wow. That sounded wierd. Ha ha.” She turned and walked into her house, beckoning Rainbow to follow her. The cookies followed too.

Inside, the pegasus felt really hot. She started sweating. Twilight sat on a couch and rainbow sat next to her. She ate a cookie that twilight offered her, not bothering to taste the nice sweetness.

After a while of eating cookies and sweating on rainbow's side, Twilight broke the silence.

“So, I hope I dont sound greedy, but... do you mind giving me the other gift?” She grinned sheepishly.

Rainbow nodded. She opened her mouth but no sound came out.

“Oh, need some water? Be back in a jiffy.” Twilight got up and raced to the kitchen.

Dash felt like a waterfall. She ran her hoof through her sweaty mane and stuffed a cookie in her mouth. When twilight got back, she sat a glass of water infront of her friend, the magical glow fading from it.

Rainbow chewed slowly and swallowed. She drank the glass of water. Twilight waited anxiously next to her grinning.

Rainbow cleared her throat.

“Well, what I wanted to say is. Well, actually I've wanted to say this for quite a while now, but...”

“Rainbow dash, what?”

The pegasus couldnt help it anymore. She leaned in and brought her muzzle to twilight's and kissed her. It was soft and sweet and lasted a couple of seconds. When it was over, dash pulled away as her face flamed red.

“Twilight, im in love with you.” She looked down.

Twilight blinked, caught off guard.She blushed and looked down too.

Rainbow once again gathered her courage that was strewn across the floor.

“I've been in love with you sonce the day we met and I made your hair all funny. Every day after that, my feelings for you got stronger. Eventually, I just couldnt take it anymore.”

Twilight was quiet. She stared at the heart shaped cookies. She lifted the lid of the tin and put it back onto the box.

“Dashie. I just.. dont have feelings for you in that sort of way... im.. sorry." She frowned and lifted the box with her hooves. She put it on Rainbow's lap and walked to her bedroom.

For a while Dash just sat there, looking at the box. Then she noticed that a small drop of water fell from her face onto it.

Comments

[Axel Nyan]

K, giving this a chance, but first chapter I noticed lots of missing capitals. Not only that, but I'm and im are not the same, and the effect is noticeable. Give your story a once over please! Anyway, gonna continue reading.

[Wyvern1998]

Meh. It could have been better. But it definitely wasn't bad. One thing i noticed is a lot of the sentences were very basic. Like, Inside, the pegasus felt really hot. She started sweating. You should combine these to make something such as, "Inside, the pegasus felt really hot and started sweating." That was using your words. Word choice can make a sentence sound extremely good or rather poor. "Inside the library, the pegasus felt very hot and she began sweating (or to sweat)" I realize this isn't very good, but i don't feel like coming up with something better right now. I'm being lazy...

“Thanks so much dashie! I love these cookies. Wanna come in and eat them with me? Wow. That sounded wierd. Ha ha.” Characterization! Since you are not using background/OC ponies, but round characters that we know the personalities of, you need to use their personality in your writing. This dialog gives off the impression (to me, at least) that Twi is nervous, or not herself at all. The "Wow. That sounded weird. Ha ha." It just doesn't seem to me like something Twilight would say. But i think you caught Dash's personality well. Since we haven't seen her in a situation like this before, you have leeway.
All in all, i liked it.

[Himmler GZ]

Erm, some spelling errors, and sounds rushed, but it shows potential.

[Pleaseworkforonce]

okay you need a co author and a editor and a proof reader (ok a a co author and some double checking would work)
and by co author i mean someone to add filler bounce ideas off of and all that good stuff ill temp it if you want me to but i would suggest finding someone other than me instead since all id be good for is bouncing ideas off of

[HadezPKMN]

ERRORS EVERYWHERE! Sorry I'm what would be known as a grammar nazi so don't fret, I do that to everypony

[Miyukana]

AWWW POOR DASHIEdon’t lose hope