Rainbow dash is in love with twilight. One day she decides to confess her love. Will her heart be broken, or will their friendship be kicked into overdrive?
It's a cute tale, with heartbreak and confusion. Had fun making it.
Chapters (8)
Julyah
Joined 15th Mar, 2012 ·
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K, giving this a chance, but first chapter I noticed lots of missing capitals. Not only that, but I'm and im are not the same, and the effect is noticeable. Give your story a once over please! Anyway, gonna continue reading.
My interest has been piqued.
Eh, good story. Would've preferred it if you could have fixed your mistakes before updating, but hey, we all make mistakes. Thumbs up from me.
yay a twidash! FireFlash is interested. tracking.
I about threw a cup at my computer. Things got way out of hoof. There is one thing left in my head, and that is a giant ?.
Cliffhangers...Great story otherwise, I respect the tensions.
I'll give it a chance... but stories like these get old fast. Your challenge is to make it different from every other story out there.
Will you succeed?
Meh. It could have been better. But it definitely wasn't bad. One thing i noticed is a lot of the sentences were very basic. Like, Inside, the pegasus felt really hot. She started sweating. You should combine these to make something such as, "Inside, the pegasus felt really hot and started sweating." That was using your words. Word choice can make a sentence sound extremely good or rather poor. "Inside the library, the pegasus felt very hot and she began sweating (or to sweat)" I realize this isn't very good, but i don't feel like coming up with something better right now. I'm being lazy...
“Thanks so much dashie! I love these cookies. Wanna come in and eat them with me? Wow. That sounded wierd. Ha ha.” Characterization! Since you are not using background/OC ponies, but round characters that we know the personalities of, you need to use their personality in your writing. This dialog gives off the impression (to me, at least) that Twi is nervous, or not herself at all. The "Wow. That sounded weird. Ha ha." It just doesn't seem to me like something Twilight would say. But i think you caught Dash's personality well. Since we haven't seen her in a situation like this before, you have leeway.
All in all, i liked it.
Good things: the story has a plot that allows for lots of characterization and dramatic tension, it's not ambiguous and it gets the emotions across, it describes interactions between three ponies instead of two.
Bad things: mechanics (spelling and grammar), there needs to be more characterization, ponies going out-of-character (especially when the couple first comes to the tree to rest).
Overall it's a good story that needs some editing and could benefit from a bit of expansion.
DAMN IT RAINBOW DASH.
BREAKING DAMN HEARTS- SUCH AS YOUR OWN.
You need an editor
Erm, some spelling errors, and sounds rushed, but it shows potential.
okay you need a co author and a editor and a proof reader (ok a a co author and some double checking would work)
and by co author i mean someone to add filler bounce ideas off of and all that good stuff ill temp it if you want me to but i would suggest finding someone other than me instead since all id be good for is bouncing ideas off of
I'M SORRY FOR YELLING AT YOU
*stabs*
I'M SORRY FOR KILLING YOU TOO
okay it is still great and now twilight is the vertex of a love angle
This is great!
But Twilight kissed back soooo things just got good. xD
Kill her!
715903
kill who?
Sorry for how small this chapter is everypony. The next one should be bigger, to make up for it.
715825
dont worry, i do it, i'm a big fan do show too
715977
thanks! Cant wait for tommorow's episode.
Ta-da!
The end. hoped you all liked it.
It felt like being dragged behind a jet...The concept is great, wording and such doesn't bother me. But the speed, it was just like: and, when, there, is, cool, something. Get my drift?
I really can't say much else, I don't like being rude. Maybe someday I can take this and extend it? (Maybe is a key word)
716151......the speed......IT'S LIKE RAINBOW DASH IS DRAGING ME BEHIND HER!!!!!
THE STORY JUST DID ASONIC RAINBOOM
good story i liked it, just over a bit too quickly
nevertheless, have a thumbs up!
well i'm not trying to be mean but this story could be stretched to like 40k to 60k words and it would be just fine because you can do alot with it. but i am very happy with the plot of the story, but it was like you start reading it and 3 mintues later your done. i'm not saying that i know everything but i am writing a story that is at least going to be 100k words or more, right now i think at about 65k and still going because i spread things out but i keep the reader interrested on the story and the back ground storys, but all in all i will give you a thumbs.......UP! because you earned it.
if you would like to check out my story click here
30.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lsyx1dNpMI1qjnttko1_500.png
*CRINGE* Why Dashie?! WHYYYYYY????!!!!!!
Hmmmmmm.....I likey......
You said pinie .Not pinkie.
good, but short.
OH MY GOD THE GRAMMAR
This was one painful story to read... .______.
this was too short and unsatisfying for me to enjoy
Im gonna stay neutral on this one. Although it has a good concept, the mistakes just...
there are just too many for me to enjoy the story, no thumbs up, but no thumbs down ether
...
POOR RAINBOW DASH!!!!
ENDED TOO ABRUPTLY!!!!!! ADD MORE!!! (such as twilight's reaction, and their new found relationship) but bravo, a moustache for you my good sir
it was a good story but it seems like it is a first draft.
this needs to be edited
Okay, this has to be one of the worst stories I've ever read. First off, Twilight tells Rainbow that she's in love with someone else, hours after she first turns her down, which should have all happened at the same time. Then reveals it's Pinkie Pie, and here's the big question: Where did Pinkie Pie come from? Wasn't she icing the cupcakes?
...and that's ignoring the problems with grammar and flow!
Oh, then we see Pinkie and Twilight discussing AJs party days later. It didn't come up before then? Also, is Pinkie Pie playing a complete moron here, and is Twilight playing an indecisive bitch!? And what's with you and apple trees!?
Okay, since when is 'spa' a verb? And since we're on that chapter, why would Rainbow confess to tricking them to go to the spa? Seems unnecessary, just apologize for all the wrongdoing and be done with it. And that ending came out of fucking nowhere. Hows about something leading up to the breakup, instead of dropping it like a ton of bricks!
And the epilogue is confusing.
I wish I could say there was potential here, but there isn't. It's not worth salvaging. Come up with a plot worth writing about, and put some effort into it, and read aloud.
Not rocket science.
708989 I love your avatar
OMG. That scene reminds me of that part in Avatar: The Legend Of Korra when Mako and Korra kissed then Mako's brother, Bolin, was watching the whole moment.
Yeah, memories.
Interesting to say the least. It was to short and didn't make alot of sense but still it was interesting i give it 4 moustaches out of 10
AWWW POOR DASHIE
don’t lose hope
Yelling someone doesn’t help you to heal the pain you just make it worst Dashie!!
You might be hide in your house now because I think CUPCAKES ARE ATTACKING