False Friends

by Amit

Faux Amis

Rainbow Dash came into the library, eager to dig into the chronicles of her favourite adventurer: Daring Doo. As she did, however, she noticed a peculiar nonconformity. There wasn't the usual flash of purple, nor the usual 'oh, hi!' she would generally receive; the sounds of her hoofsteps on the wooden flooring were met by a deafening silence.

"Hello?" she called out, peeking her head around to search for the mare who would usually greet her. "Twi?" The library was unusually well-organised, the place fairly clean; there wasn't a book out of place on the shelves, as far as she could tell—not to imply, of course, that she could, for if she were to admit that she could see any difference, it would be very troubling news for her reputation indeed.

It wasn't long, however, before she began to hear something unusual.

Clop. Clop. Clop.

The sound, as far as she could tell, originated from the basement; it went on at a continuous pace, and Rainbow Dash—being one well-acquainted with that sort of thing—immediately knew that her continued presence would be unwise if she were to maintain her friend's trust and her continued admittance to the library. So she turned and began to leave, not wanting to jeopardise either of these things.

In the corner of her eye, however, as she was about to turn out and leave for good, she saw an open book in the corner of her eye—something out of place. Unusual, especially for Twilight; the clopping sound resonating in the background, she flitted over to the book and saw its cover.

Pudenda Equorum

The rainbow-haired pegasus didn't know much Old Equestrian, but what she did know—idle half-rememberings from inscriptions on the things Daring Doo had the temerity to take—made her blush a little, and her mind began to connect the dots and wander all at once.

She tentatively reached for a random page, opening it up. There were no illustrations, but plenty of text, and she picked a random paragraph to begin her little inquisition into Twilight Sparkle's private life. After all, she thought, it's just a book. No one would fault her for reading a book in the library, of all places! Confidently, now, without the slightest trace of shame or forbearance, she read out loud.

"Ponuntor," she began, slowly reading the hand-written text aloud, "ponendus (quod est, gladios) cum cura, adcuratus in vaginas—wait, sword in—"

She recoiled in horror, putting her hoof over her rapidly brightening cheek. What in Equestria was Twilight doing down there? Her hooves shaking, she looked back down—much more uncomfortably aware of the clopping noise, now—as she tried to piece together what she had just borne terrible witness to.

"Ponuntor ponendus (quod est, gladios) cum cura, adcuratus in vaginas (quod est, gladiatus). Pony puts curing—curing... oh, dear sweet Celestia!"

Rainbow Dash always did have quite an affection for the egghead whose sounds of clopping echoed from the basement, and she felt quite the mixture of emotions at that moment; some sort of amalgamation of horror, of shame—and, as was common to the cyan pegasus, a rather large dose of lurid imagination.

"Maybe," she thought out loud, "maybe she's—lonely! Maybe she needs someone to help her!" Her logic, unfortunately, lacked a vital component: an antecedent for her hypothesis. "Maybe she's not with anyone, after all!" In the background, clops began to intersperse themselves with groans. Twilight, at least, hadn't noticed her yet: the clopping masked whatever monologues she chose to give. "So—so she has to read to teach her how to do it!"

Putting the book under her wing, she made a decision, then and there, to make herself be there for her friend; justifying it with her desire to assure her friend's happiness. So she soared down the steps of the library, down into the basement, the clops turning into loud, hard smacks and groans of exasperation. Obviously, thought Rainbow, she didn't even know where her sensitive bits were! Her mission of aid, she realised, was far more important than she first thought; she had to save Twilight from her own incompetence, guide her by her very own hand.

Vials lined the walls, filled with unidentifiable fluids; various bits of laboratory equipment lay scattered, and Twilight was in the middle of it all, hidden behind a curtain as the sounds of her groaning and clopping reverberated throughout the enclosed space. Her silhouette was from the back, showing her arms working at something, while a raging fire burnt. Not a figurative one, but a very literal one, and Dash could hear metal clanging.

Rainbow Dash was startled by this display of deviance, this display of metal love; she realised that surely, Twilight was so repressed as to resort to such terrifying methods of satisfaction. Reinforcing herself with the knowledge that Twilight needed her experience as a mare to bring her back from this dreadful brink of depravity, she marched forward on two legs, intent on showing her the simple pleasures of life.

A loud 'yes!' erupted from behind the curtain, and before the pegasus pony could reach the curtains, they opened with quite a flourish, revealing a soaking-wet Twilight, her horn dripping with use. "Rainbow Dash? What the heck are you doing down here?"

Rainbow Dash, having styled herself as Twilight's saviour, immediately sprung to her hooves, letting the book fall to her side as she pushed Twilight over, pinning her down. She decided on tough love—after all, if only fires could get Twilight off, she would have to ignite the spark in her heart. "I'm here to save you!"

"Save me? What in Celestia's name are you talking about, Rainbow Dash?" The purple-coloured unicorn wiggled futilely under her, attempting to gain purchase on some surface to regain her mobility—her tired, panting, sweaty form, however, wasn't nearly a match for the pegasus' righteous passion.

With a grunt, the pegasus lowered her face to the unicorn's, causing the latter's pupils to shrink quite noticeably as they focused on each other. "I saw that book up there in Old Equestrian! Pudenda Equorum!" The mare had never undertaken a full study of Old Equestrian, of course, but 'pudenda' just sounded like a bad word; and, as far as she was concerned, there was no way whatsoever for Twilight to justify 'gladios in vaginas'.

No, she decided. She'd read enough of Daring Doo and the Ancient Blade to know what 'gladios' meant; and of course, she'd written enough of the exciting tale of Daring Doo and Rainbow Dash, in all its glorious glory, to know of vaginas and vaginae and their various plurals and cases and methods of spelling and various uses—including those involving swords and gladioli and various other terrible euphemisms. She'd practically written the book on them.

So she decided at that moment she could call herself an expert: and she would certainly not be fooled by the silver tongue of a bookworm, one who needed books to teach her love; no, she would transcend her permission, and impress upon her the severity of the situation without further ado.

They looked at each other for a moment; and with a sudden burst of energy, Rainbow Dash was propelled off of her. She was sent flying involuntarily towards the opposite side of the basement. She groaned in pain, despite her lack of injury.

"Pudenda Equorum," Twilight admonished, waving her hooves in the air as she messed with something in the background, "means 'the shameful parts of ponykind'!"

"Yeah!" she shouted, gesturing obscenely at her shameful parts, "Down here!"

"It's talking about history, Dash!" She shook her head slightly, setting the gladius down as the magic died down around it. "Violence, war—it's part of my assignment. What's gotten into you, Dash?"

Rainbow Dash gasped in shock; clearly, she needed her more than ever. "You clop to the worst bits of Equestrian history?" She struggled desperately, trying to help her friend as she thrashed about. She realised, with a horrible thought, that 'gladius' might not have been metaphorical, and realised then that her fanfiction hadn't adequately prepared her for this travesty. "You're sick! You need help!"

"C—clop?" Twilight said, losing her concentration, the magical aura disappearing. "I wasn't doing anything like—"

Before she could finish her sentence, she was pinned to the floor and forced to her back once more; quite understandably, she was a bit too flustered to fight back just then. "Oh, yeah? Then what were you doing with that book wide open?" Dash shouted back, trying to keep Twilight down so she could teach her a lesson. And to her that was an irony sweet enough worth the supreme effort she was putting in.

Twilight shook under her, trying to break free from her embrace and roughly-holding hooves. "I was making a gladius! Princess Celestia told me to study old unicorn weapons so I could see what they could do!" This struck Twilight as profoundly odd, of course, but her obeisance was one of the things that so distinguished her.

Her eyes widened. "You were gonna cut yourself?" Clearly, this was even worse than she could possibly think; she indeed was preparing to impale herself with the sword for the slightest extractable bit of pleasure%2 just like in Daring Doo and the Eye of Madness; surely, she had gone utterly mad, convincing herself that Celestia had ordered her to do herself harm. "I can't let you do that, Twilight!"

"What? No! Why in Equestria would you think that?"

Keeping her hindquarters planted firmly on the purple unicorn, Dash reached over to the fallen book, open to the page it had been, and pointed at the paragraph she had read. "As the Element of Loyalty, I have to protect my friends! Even if that means filly-fooling to show them the gentleness of love!" That her wings were standing with arousal now only proved to her the supreme righteousness of her devirginising cause.

She read aloud in Equestrian. "They are to put those which are to be put (that is to say, the swords) with care, carefully, in scabbards (that is to say, where swords are to be put)." She glancedkup at the rapidly-reddening Rainbow Dash. "You were going to rut me against my will because of false friends? Because somepony five hundred years ago redefined pudenda?"

A moment of introspection, and a moment of clarity.

The pegasus quickly hopped off of her unicorn friend, her face in a full blush; the purple equine paced a bit, revealing a rapidly-cooling, beautifully-crafted sword glistening with oil sticking from the ashes of a magical fire like some sort of metal phoenix, a finely-crafted scabbard of steel and hemp hanging next to it.

Dash stepped back a bit, almost crying in shamee3B nothing could possibly rival the sheer horror she felt at that point. "I—I just wanted to—"

"You just wanted to rape me?" The purple pony, at that point, was looking away, face unseeable. It didn't take an egghead to figure out that she wasn't very happy with the whole affair.

Rainbow Dash, at that moment, realised that she should double-time it; and before Twilight could even blink, the pegasus was anywhere but there, realising the sheer farce that she'd just had the foolishness to take the starring lead in. Twilight's words pulled her from her self-imposed narrative like a bad metaphor.

"Wait!" Twilight shouted, but her voice wasn't strong enough to reach her, sobbing in the clouds.

Celestia banish it, she thought grumpily, as she stroked the smooth entrance to her beautifully-made, well-crafted scabbard, fetching the glistening, well-oiled sword with her horn's magic. I can't believe I just threw that chance away.

Groaning and without very much care, she put that which is to be put into where that which is to be put is put.

Comments

[Leo Archon]

This is odd... and more than a little amusing.

I want to see where this goes. Faved and liked.

[soulwinds]

There are some weird things in the passage like a random % somewhere. but this is rather interesting. I'll keep my eye on it for now.

[Lostzilla]

wthat hell? i liked

[CoastalSarv]

*laughs more than he should* Oh, how false friends can give you harm...

[Kawa]

Even Google Translate is better at this than Rainbow Dash.

[rainbowdashfan3353]

ugh i hate clopfics espaecially with rainbow dash. why does she have to be the lesbian shes best pony and yall know it!!!

[YukoAsho]

Couple things. You have "3hook" instead of "shook" and "!nywhere" instead of "anywhere." Those were the only two errors I could find, however, in an otherwise hilarious little story. Ah, RD, rushing in before thinking.

[IndexOutOfBounds]

you misspelled Daring Do, that's all

[CaraCitrine]

she indeed was preparing to impale herself with the sword for the slightest extractable bit of pleasure%2 just like in Daring Doo and the Eye of Madness;

I don't think that %2 is supposed to be there.

Dash stepped back a bit, almost crying in shamee3B nothing could possibly rival the sheer horror she felt at that point. "I—I just wanted to—"

I suspect you meant "shame"

[color= #C9C909] Je suis en train de faire sortie pour le viol!

ps. big mac irai

There was no end color mark?

Other commentors are noting errors I didn't see so I am going to call this story haunted.