Break peeked out of the trash bin she was hiding in and looked both ways. She had been hiding in it for about ten minutes. She was able to the lose the Cosas that tried to chase her after the incident in the street. The bin smelled something fierce, but she was too scared and preoccupied with her current predicament to care much. She didn’t see anypony. She sighed in relief and opened the top so she could sneak out. She landed on the ground and crouched.
“There has to be a way out of town.” She thought, but how she had no clue. The one entrance into the town was guarded. She also knew about the snipers camped at the guard towers of the walls, the very well trained and skilled snipers that could shoot you at a thousand paces. If she did get out, she would have to walk several miles to reach a settlement and the terrain had monsters, raiders, and Celestia knows what. Primrose wasn’t the only town controlled by the Cosas. A town called Roseway was also under their hoof. There would also be no certainty that she was even going the right way without a map.
There was one way out of town that won’t be guarded, the sewers. They were remarkably intact and drained into a nearby lake called Lake Minnetrotta about two miles away. The problem was that both the lake and sewers were infested with mirelurks. They were a bipedal high territorial crab like race with a thick shell that most guns couldn’t penetrate. Their only weak point was their face. They sometimes caused trouble for the locals and once and awhile found ways out the sewers and attacked ponies. These things always attacked on sight. All the other entrances were destroyed or blocked for this reason. The only way that wasn’t blocked was the lake entrance due to how dangerous the lake was. Not only mirelurks prowled around there. This option seemed a major long shot, but she didn’t have much of a choice.
Break crouched as she sneaked through town quickly galloping from one source of cover to another. She knew an easy way into the sewers. There was a floor in an old building that collapsed a few weeks ago and the hole it created led into the sewers. It hadn’t been fixed yet and it was just covered over with a few boards. It won’t be hard to pry it open and sneak inside.
She froze and jumped into a building as she saw some Cosas guards walking this way from a nearby street, but luckily they hadn’t seen her. She sighed in relief. She recognized one the ponies as Robin, one of Cosas’s key lieutenants. He was known as the Raider Slayer for his ruthlessness in taking them down. Bad news if she ran into him. He was one of best gunponies in the whole Cosas and could no doubt gun her down in seconds.
“Hey, it’s her!” She heard somepony yell. She turned and saw two Cosas stallions using a nearby urinal and another drying his hooves with a towel. Break burst out the stallion’s bathroom that she had inadvertently stumbled into and ran for the nearest alleyway. Break heard cries of “After her!” behind her, but didn’t look back to check.
She rushed into an alley and froze as she saw Robin right in front of her blocking her escape. Next to him were Thug A and several other ponies with guns and armor. They looked like they were ready to fight an army. They still haven’t seen her yet. “There she is!” A pony behind her yelled and Robin turned to look. She could hear ponies behind her closing in.
Break desperately looked around her for a way out. Robin smiled and he and his group casually trotted towards her weapons not raised yet. She was surrounded by two pure high walls that were made of decrepit bricks. She found a small crack in the wall that might fit a pony to her left. Doubtful, but she didn’t have much choice. In a mad dash she jumped into it. It was tight and the wall scrapped her back painfully, but she didn’t stop and squeezed her way through. She was almost through. She heard a pony yell “Hey!” She finally got through, but fell on her face as she felt her leg being pulled by two hooves.
“Got you now, you…” The pony didn’t get to finish as Break kicked frantically at the hooves. She accidentally kicked herself a few times, but hit the hooves that were holding her. The pony that owned those legs yelped in pain and let go. She made a mad scramble to door that was in front of her and rushed out of it. She heard ponies trying to come in the same way she did, but she was already to the front door and threw it open and crashed into an older pony. It was old pony Grape Vine.
“What the…” The older pony cried out, but Break was already around him and running.
“Sorry!” She apologized and ran off.
She was already across the street when she heard old pony Grape Vine yell, “What the hay are you hooligans doing in my house?! Foals these days. In my day…”
She saw some ponies staring at her as she ran, but paid them little heed. She ran across town towards her destination. She ran into another alleyway. She was so close she could taste it. Some Cosas goons appeared in front of her to trap her with victorious smirks on their faces, but Break increased her speed and the goons quickly got out of her way to avoid getting trampled. She took a right then a left and found the building she was looking for. She jumped through the broken window in the front and landed inside. She stopped and looked around. She was in an old shoe factory. Right now she was in the front entrance room. It was mostly in tatters and everything of value was gone and had almost nothing in it. She rushed past the main desk into the back. The hole was in factory area. She ran through a few hallways and found the factory area. With a quick search she located a bunch of boards on the floor. That was her entrance. The hole was created when part of the roof collapsed and fell onto the already weakened cement bellow. Some mirelurks used it as a way in the town using parts of the broken roof to get in the building. It caused quite a stir and few ponies got hurt. The pieces of the roof were removed and some large and heavy planks of woods were currently covering it until it could be more permanently fixed.
Break moved them aside and looked into the hole. In it was blackness, but with the light from the building she could see the ground and it didn’t look like too bad of a drop. It was the darkness that worried her. She had no way to see down there, no food or water, and no way to defend herself. She was too busy running for her life to get anything to help her survival. Her ears drooped at the thought that she didn’t even have time to say goodbye to Green Mile or her uncle. Once she jumped down this hole, she would see neither ever again.
“She’s in here!” She heard somepony yell. She gulped and jumped in. The fall wasn’t too painful and ran to the right hoping that to be the correct way.
- - - -
Robin rushed into the main of the factory area of the old building. It was filled with old machinery, debris, and a large hole that used to be covered with wooden boards. If he looked up he could see where the ceiling collapsed.
“Well that answers where she was going to.” He thought to himself. He thought she might do something crazy and try this when he saw her run in this direction. She had the look of a pony that would do anything to survive. It looked like the mission was over. She was dead. The boss won’t be happy, but he wasn’t going to order ponies to jump in after her. The boss never wasted ponies if he could help it. He would just have to live with the thought of his son’s killer dying horribly to mirelurks.
Robin heard a pony come up behind him. It was the idiot. “Where is she?” He asked. Robin just inclined his head to the hole. “What? Argh! Now there is no way to get her! Static and Dagger will be unavenged!” He growled in frustration.
Robin got a little, nasty thought in his head. “Yes, that is a shame.” He said in mock sadness. “The Boss will never order anypony down there to go after her.”
The idiot’s head and ears drooped. “You’re right. Damn it all to hell.”
“Who knows? She might actually make it. That filly seemed resourceful. Then she’ll escape and run off to Celestia know where.” The idiot stomped a hoof in frustration. “If only there was somepony daring and brave enough to go down there and prevent it.”
The idiot seemed to mull this over in that little head of his. He scratched his head with the tip of his gun. Robin continued. “Shame. Oh well, time to report to the boss. He won’t be happy that he will never be able to properly avenge his son.”
The idiot nodded to himself and jumped in the hole. “What are you doing?” Robin yelled in mock surprise.
“Don’t worry about me. I have a light spell.” The idiot yelled back. “That whorse is going down.” And Robin heard hoof steps until they disappeared.
Robin grinned to himself. That was two problems dealt with. He mused that maybe the fool might come back alive if he’s quick enough. He shrugged and left to tell the other Cosas the situation.
This is enjoyable so far and is decently written. I can undertand why you're looking for an editor due to a few grammatical errors, especially in the first chapter.
The pacing is a little off, though; I would have tried to extend some of the dialogue and descriptions of the environment ax well as giving certain events time to sink in by spanning this out over a slightly more extended period. Another problem is that we haven't been given very much insight into Break's character at all yet, even though it should really be taken care of to a small degree in the first chapter so that we have a solid base to build off of as the story goes on and the character develops.
Other than that there aren't any glaring flaws as this is only in its infancy. Keep up like this and the story will be perfectly enjoyable to any reader at least somewhat familiar with the Fo:E universe, albeit feeling slightly rushed. Just try to pin down the pacing a bit better and you could have something pretty damn good.
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Thanks for the advice. The pacing should be improving in the next few chapters and slow down quite a bit. I'm trying to explain Break's character more through her actions and little tidbits here and there than flat out explaining things about her. Though, you might be right about me not explaining enough about her.
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That is what I was getting at - Give us a vague base before her actions and interactions take over. I've only ever once seen a story in which a character was given no personality beyond their actions that worked, otherwise the rest were all flops.
I'm starting to piece together how Break thinks by this point so you have done a good job on developing her through actions, "a man is judged by his actions, not his intentions" is a rather apt quote and one which this story seems to be based entirely off of; Break never wanted for Dagger to die and she didn't plan her actions in causing his death, but has been labeled a murderer because of a misunderstood accident.
This is interesting to me as I rarely see this done in anything other than the place it originated (Greek tragedy).
You're a good writer despite your issues with pacing and I'm happy to help point you in the right direction if you need it.
Though, saying that, I'm actually only good at knowing how to write - putting it down is hard.