Break Point is a simple earth pony that wants a simple, easy, and safe, not dangerous in anyway whatsoever, life. Unfortunately, this is shattered when she accidentally causes the death of the son of Cosa Nostra, a powerful and dangerous crime lord that rules her town with an iron hoof. Now she must find a way to survive in the Equestrian Wasteland, a place that tears weak ponies like her to shreds. Little did she know that she would become the powerful and feared figure known as the Black Cat.
A crossover between MLP, Fallout Equestria, and Jojo's Bizarre Adventure.
Based on Kkat's Fallout Equestria. This is set 50 years before Littlepip started her adventures.
Wonderful cover art by ShimmerKoi.
Thanks to GreyGuardPony , firehawk732, and Starlight Nova for prereading this.
Editing done by the wonderful Starlight Nova.
I think you did really well on this. Though I have one complaint, Break's character sheet seems to have more special points than normal. (Even though luck is one) just a thing I noticed, don't mind me if you don't care about it.
Oh, and good luck finding a good editor, I'd sign up but English is my worst class
7100948
It may seem that way, but only because her Strength and Luck are so low. You can get these stats in Fallout 3. I checked. MinMaxing FTW?
This is enjoyable so far and is decently written. I can undertand why you're looking for an editor due to a few grammatical errors, especially in the first chapter.
The pacing is a little off, though; I would have tried to extend some of the dialogue and descriptions of the environment ax well as giving certain events time to sink in by spanning this out over a slightly more extended period. Another problem is that we haven't been given very much insight into Break's character at all yet, even though it should really be taken care of to a small degree in the first chapter so that we have a solid base to build off of as the story goes on and the character develops.
Other than that there aren't any glaring flaws as this is only in its infancy. Keep up like this and the story will be perfectly enjoyable to any reader at least somewhat familiar with the Fo:E universe, albeit feeling slightly rushed. Just try to pin down the pacing a bit better and you could have something pretty damn good.
7114249
Thanks for the advice. The pacing should be improving in the next few chapters and slow down quite a bit. I'm trying to explain Break's character more through her actions and little tidbits here and there than flat out explaining things about her. Though, you might be right about me not explaining enough about her.
7115643
That is what I was getting at - Give us a vague base before her actions and interactions take over. I've only ever once seen a story in which a character was given no personality beyond their actions that worked, otherwise the rest were all flops.
I'm starting to piece together how Break thinks by this point so you have done a good job on developing her through actions, "a man is judged by his actions, not his intentions" is a rather apt quote and one which this story seems to be based entirely off of; Break never wanted for Dagger to die and she didn't plan her actions in causing his death, but has been labeled a murderer because of a misunderstood accident.
This is interesting to me as I rarely see this done in anything other than the place it originated (Greek tragedy).
You're a good writer despite your issues with pacing and I'm happy to help point you in the right direction if you need it.
Though, saying that, I'm actually only good at knowing how to write - putting it down is hard.
This was a great chapter to a good series but there are still editing mistakes
7731700
Thanks, I will look over the chapter tonight and fix them.
Edit: Fixed. I should look better now.
In the beginning there's a spelling mastake I think you were trying to spell brow and not blow. Also how many chapter s well it take until ponies call her black cat. Last thing nice cliff hanger
7831154
Thanks for finding that spelling error.
Hopefully, it will only be about 3-4 chapters until ponies start calling Break 'Black Cat'. Break is going to become infamous pretty soon.
Also if you are looking for an editor still I would love to do it
7834101
Sure. An extra eye never hurts. I will PM you when I finish the next chapter.
Can you send me a message telling me when you think the next one well come so I know to check that day
Nice cliff hanger it anyway and makes me want to read the next one as fast as possible
Boomerang Jack always comes back
I had to I'm sorry
8575689
Thanks. You're right. I really need to go over my older chapters. I have been meaning to, but I have been putting it off. Thanks for reminding me.
From the beginning could I tell that this wouldn't stick too well on me, something about the descriptors, the repeated start with "she/Break" in so many sentences, and in general how it all got told instead of shown, and in some cases told even after it was shown to us, subtracted a lot from this story. But the point where Break trips over a rock and starts her adventure by killing the big cheese… yea nope, not my cup of tea at all.
Nitpicks:
" It survived well even after 150 years after the war when the megaspells ended the world." Delete
"but the alley didn’t earn enough she needed to keep the place running." Delete
"adjusted her stained but most clean apron to something presentable," Mostly
"The Supreme Café was a smallish cafe that resided in a building that used to be a pool hall. " Linebreak
". Most of them didn’t match giving a haphazard look make worse by the even more mismatched chairs." Made
" something about them being the superior type of ponies in this wasteland of a world." The Wasteland
" The one that didn’t just sat there drinking his water and was just watching the situation." insert comma, or reword completely since it is a bit clunky
"Break’s eye twitched but she tried to keep her cool" Linebreak
“If that is all you require than I will be on my way.” then
“I and my friends here and I asked you a question!” Unless it is meant to be bad English should it be "My friends and I", or at least "me" instead of I
"“We asked where we can find a sweet piece of flank tonight.” Dagger repeated. “How should I know?” Break thought, but said out loud, “I’m sorry sir, but I don’t know.” “Come here." Linebreak for all 3 lines of dialogue
8998679
Thanks for the comment. To be fair, this is the first fic I had ever written. I think the story has improved quite a bit since then. I didn't have any grammar programs on my computer for one. I will keep your criticisms in mind.
Her stand is a punchy ghost
If the main OCs in this story were voiced, what would they sound like? Or did I already ask this?
9334951
You did, but I can always answer it again.
Break would have a bit of a rasp in her voice but would otherwise speak pretty normally.
Robin would have a voice what would speak in very curtly and even tone.
Brisk Bolt, even though he isn't a major character but plays a big role, would have a very over the top, loud way of speaking that doesn't sound very sophisticated.
Cosa Nostra would speak in a voice that confident, intelligent, but also a bit gruff. Green Mile would have a voice that is a bit high pitched and would also be energetic and enthusiastic.
Spring Rain has very a melodic voice, but it has an edge of mockery and cruelty to it. It also is a little deep for a mare. Scavenger has a shy quiet voice with a constant hint of nervousness to it.
Boomerang Jack has an Australian accent that's both deep and rich.
Bubble Trouble has a very high pitched voice that one might call a little too cheery.
Starburst has a reedy slightly annoying voice.
9335521
I meant in terms of voice actors.
9977379
Thanks, this was the first story I've ever done and I think I've improved a lot since I started writing it. As for romance? We'll see. I have some ideas.
How many chapters long will this story be?
10121941
Hard to say. I think the story is about two-thirds done. It depends on how the story plays out.
The names for when they first meet are mixed up
Made a small error in the chapter. I confused Wrecking Ball with Brick Layer. Wrecking Ball is the Enclave spy. Brick Layer is just somepony Aurora works with. Sorry for this small mistake. It's fixed now.
Switch, On.
SUTANDO PAWA
This chapter certainly moved me a little closer to heaven
That's an interesting way to call someone a whore
Just found this again. Got a bit of reading to do. What is the status? Hope all is well.
11487103
It's on hiatus for the moment. I'm working on other projects. I'm uncertain if I'll ever return to it.