I've been asked for a review on this fic, and review it I shall. Though, I must admit, I've not played Dark Souls, so I come in having absolutely zero clue who are these people and what the heck is going on.
Grammar For any other fic it would be rated good decent. Here, with attempts at complex language, any error stands out like an eyesore. And errors there are. People who do not use spell-check before posting clearly tell us that they do not care about getting good quality of writing. "weay" grunting? "crystalinne lights"? Lack of spaces after full stops? If you don't care about your fic enough to fix that, I would probably not care enough to read it. Srsly, though, what the heck is wrong with spaces and punctuation marks? Just in the second paragraph some have no spaces, some have doubles, some are normal. Did you write it on a phone or something? Angling to be the next E.L. James is a pretty low bar. Even for a fanfic.
Your punctuations skills are even worse then mine, and trust me (and my poor, poor editors) that is saying something. Your commas are splattered across the fic with the precision and finesse of a buckshot blasted by a blind drunkard.
I shan't even comment at the attempts of using old English. I will just say it is not at all well done, annoying and irritating and leave it at that.
Style Ah, purple prose with attempts at High English. My favorite type of reading when done right, but rather difficult to pull off. The intro is done reasonably well though, but not perfect. Needs a bit more polish. Needs a lot more polish. Repeated words (sometimes within the same sentence), needlessly convoluted sentences that give me whiplash when they suddenly change subject, run-on sentences abounds... any editor worth his salt would slap you with a wet fish for this. There are unnecessary details (e.g. a phrase in italics followed by "he thought", bad sentence structure (cobblestones crunching (why? is he this heavy? usually gravel crunches) beneath his form), and many many other things that show that a very commendable and valiant attempt at complex English has nonetheless failed miserably.
Dear Lord, my neck. Who the heck dumps a reader into the battle in the middle of introspective infodump? Don't do that. I was more confused than a chameleon in a bag of skittles.
Direct speech, motherbucker, do you know it? For one it should start with new lines, not appear suddenly in the middle of the paragraph. That makes things messy and messy means harder to emphasize with the characters. Which means I am swiftly running out of bucks to give.
Thesaurus syndrome! How I've missed you, my friend. Banners billowing in the wind are ok, but gallant horses, incandescent beauties and gleaming helmets are a tad too much.
Sudden POV switch is sudden. There I was, in my nice cozy third-person limited, wondering along with the protagoinst, when suddenly out of thin air, with no need a name of the pegasus the knight just met pretty much jumps at me. It is not so much an error, but that was kinda jarring. And it's not an only occurrence. If your background characters are not important enought to introduce within the narrative - don't introduce them, don't just name them for the sake of naming out of nowhere. Same with other pointless out-of-nowhere infodumps, such as the one about Solar Knights. Don't do that.
The long description suck, and suck hard. When you waste not one, not two but whole five descriptors on a goddamn bed that in no way is tangential to the plot, you've just wasted my time and my attention span. Adjectives are the last words to be used, unless you have to have it - delete them with no mercy or compassion.
Substance Yeah... crossovers are tricky. I am trying to write one now and I totally feel your pain. That, however does not excuse you in the slightest. You chose this gig, so you have to do it right.
First, nitpicks, just spraying 'em as I go along. 1. The whole sacred bonfire thing would probably require some explanation, unless you're making this explicitly for people who are familiar with Dark Souls. IF you do, then the first three paragraphs of infodumping are unnecessary. Choose one and stick with it. 2. Gallant horses? Am I missing something, and in the Dark Souls there are polite an courteous horses, or is this just thesaurus syndrome? 3. "Towering spires rose from places" That looks like description of an uncomfortable disease, not city. 4. Why does this dude keep talking to himself? This is written medium, you can just write out thoughts instead, if you want. You know that - there are thoughts in the second chapter, so... why? 5. Why does no one freak at a human? Humans are unknown in Equestria. There may well be a dozen reasons for it, but it's still at least worth addressing 6. Why does he get to ignore the guards and go in? And they don't do diddle other than PG-13 curse him? 7. Celestia Faustis. Nuff said. Dumbest peace of fanon to ever be fanoned. What was wrong with Celestia Invictus? That one at least is better. But even then, she NEVER used her full title in the series, so there should at least be a reason for this, not just showing off how oh-so-clever fic author thinks he is. 8.
His trusty helmet was on the stand, for it was, as he had found in Lordran and Astora, very hard to sleep in.
no, really? Whowouldathunkit. Also - does that imply that he sleeps in chainmail? Poor shmuck. 9.
Even if it killed him...
that's morbid and unnecessary when thinking about breakfast. If it's an attempt at humor, you should set it up better.
Generally: Action! Excitement! Good Pacing! Intrigue!... are entirely absent from this fic. I've just finished first chapter and it's pretty much "a guy did X" and some exposition. This is bland and this is boring. Don't get me wrong, it is the basis of any story ever, but it's way way far from being enough. The second chapter is even worse! "A guy went to X, got directions and went to Y" is a downright horrible structure for a computer game, in literature this is pure torture. The repetition of same stuff started driving me nuts with irritation by the middle of the second chapter. The guy is totaly crushing on Lady Gwen and is into the sun worshiping, and doesn't know about Equestria. Ok, I get it, now please can we stop repeating it in every second paragraph and get on with the plot? The skip between him meeting Celestia and then going on entirely unrelated boring stuff is pointless and confusing.
WHAT THE ACTUAL BUCK? Are you trying to tell me, that after dragging myself through the horrible boredom of FIVE WHOLE CHAPTERS of guy stumbling across equestria to get to Celestia, the only piece of action we get HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT? The nerve! No, in all seriousness, if you cut the unnecessary descriptors and pointless details, and "he went there, and then he went there, and there he talked with a OC that will never appear again and went somewhere next" you'll have the initial infodump, two paragraphs of text, and then it's chapter five. That is a waste of bites if I ever seen one.
Conclusion While it is a commendable attempt, all in all this fic fails. Unless you orgasm at mere mention of Dark Souls, and cream your little panties at the idea of MLP/DS crossover, this is an utterly boring, horribly paced, badly written drivel, bereft of plot, character development and wit, that even author himself cares very little for.
This will become famous very quickly. Also,
archive.desustorage.org/foolfuuka/boards/mlp/image/1418/96/1418969244030.png
Art Thou ready for some jolly co-operation
derpicdn.net/img/view/2012/8/26/82823__safe_princess+celestia_crossover_happy_riding_dark+souls_praise+the+sun_solaire_jolly+cooperation.jpg
DaKotA!
Also, get an editor you will need it
Sir... SIR!... Do you have time to hear about our lord and saviour: The SUN?
i.imgur.com/JazcxiB.jpg
Wow, you REALLY stayed true to Solaris speech pattern and personality, i can't wait to see waht will happen once he meets Celestia.
6429152 It was a bit hard with Ye Olde English, but thanks dude.
Could use a touch of editing, objectively. Personally, I'd like to see a bit more in a chapter. But I love the idea, going to give this a watch.
Curious that an armored human drew so little response. Curious to see how everything is set up. I love that he speaks in that style.
He's gonna have an easy time communicating with Luna.
6429054 When I see that, all I can think of is Lt. Armstrong from Fullmetal Alchemist!
orig15.deviantart.net/575e/f/2011/206/0/d/alex_louis_armstrong_by_narutodude96-d41lgj5.jpg
s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/94/10/55/941055e38a27bdfa832e003d9fb876cf.jpg
6430452 Well, he did wonder that, and perhaps if humans had encountered the Equestrians before?
interesting
this story has great potential
This story is most wonderful. Please continue good sir, for I wish to see how our fair Solair will be in this new world.
6431497 Don't worry, the next chapter is already at 1,444 words
6431501 Huzzah!
6431516 And our famous Sunbro may be meeting a certain Princess of the Sun
I've been asked for a review on this fic, and review it I shall.
Though, I must admit, I've not played Dark Souls, so I come in having absolutely zero clue who are these people and what the heck is going on.
Grammar
For any other fic it would be rated
gooddecent. Here, with attempts at complex language, any error stands out like an eyesore. And errors there are.People who do not use spell-check before posting clearly tell us that they do not care about getting good quality of writing. "weay" grunting? "crystalinne lights"? Lack of spaces after full stops? If you don't care about your fic enough to fix that, I would probably not care enough to read it.
Srsly, though, what the heck is wrong with spaces and punctuation marks? Just in the second paragraph some have no spaces, some have doubles, some are normal. Did you write it on a phone or something?
Angling to be the next E.L. James is a pretty low bar. Even for a fanfic.
Your punctuations skills are even worse then mine, and trust me (and my poor, poor editors) that is saying something. Your commas are splattered across the fic with the precision and finesse of a buckshot blasted by a blind drunkard.
I shan't even comment at the attempts of using old English. I will just say it is not at all well done, annoying and irritating and leave it at that.
Style
Ah, purple prose with attempts at High English. My favorite type of reading when done right, but rather difficult to pull off.
The intro is done reasonably well though, but not perfect.
Needs a bit more polish.Needs a lot more polish. Repeated words (sometimes within the same sentence), needlessly convoluted sentences that give me whiplash when they suddenly change subject, run-on sentences abounds... any editor worth his salt would slap you with a wet fish for this.There are unnecessary details (e.g. a phrase in italics followed by "he thought", bad sentence structure (cobblestones crunching (why? is he this heavy? usually gravel crunches) beneath his form), and many many other things that show that a very commendable and valiant attempt at complex English has nonetheless failed miserably.
Dear Lord, my neck. Who the heck dumps a reader into the battle in the middle of introspective infodump? Don't do that.
I was more confused than a chameleon in a bag of skittles.
Direct speech, motherbucker, do you know it?
For one it should start with new lines, not appear suddenly in the middle of the paragraph. That makes things messy and messy means harder to emphasize with the characters. Which means I am swiftly running out of bucks to give.
Thesaurus syndrome! How I've missed you, my friend.
Banners billowing in the wind are ok, but gallant horses, incandescent beauties and gleaming helmets are a tad too much.
Sudden POV switch is sudden. There I was, in my nice cozy third-person limited, wondering along with the protagoinst, when suddenly out of thin air, with no need a name of the pegasus the knight just met pretty much jumps at me. It is not so much an error, but that was kinda jarring. And it's not an only occurrence. If your background characters are not important enought to introduce within the narrative - don't introduce them, don't just name them for the sake of naming out of nowhere.
Same with other pointless out-of-nowhere infodumps, such as the one about Solar Knights. Don't do that.
The long description suck, and suck hard. When you waste not one, not two but whole five descriptors on a goddamn bed that in no way is tangential to the plot, you've just wasted my time and my attention span. Adjectives are the last words to be used, unless you have to have it - delete them with no mercy or compassion.
Substance
Yeah... crossovers are tricky. I am trying to write one now and I totally feel your pain. That, however does not excuse you in the slightest.
You chose this gig, so you have to do it right.
First, nitpicks, just spraying 'em as I go along.
1. The whole sacred bonfire thing would probably require some explanation, unless you're making this explicitly for people who are familiar with Dark Souls. IF you do, then the first three paragraphs of infodumping are unnecessary. Choose one and stick with it.
2. Gallant horses? Am I missing something, and in the Dark Souls there are polite an courteous horses, or is this just thesaurus syndrome?
3. "Towering spires rose from places" That looks like description of an uncomfortable disease, not city.
4. Why does this dude keep talking to himself? This is written medium, you can just write out thoughts instead, if you want. You know that - there are thoughts in the second chapter, so... why?
5. Why does no one freak at a human? Humans are unknown in Equestria. There may well be a dozen reasons for it, but it's still at least worth addressing
6. Why does he get to ignore the guards and go in? And they don't do diddle other than PG-13 curse him?
7. Celestia Faustis. Nuff said. Dumbest peace of fanon to ever be fanoned. What was wrong with Celestia Invictus? That one at least is better. But even then, she NEVER used her full title in the series, so there should at least be a reason for this, not just showing off how oh-so-clever fic author thinks he is.
8.
no, really? Whowouldathunkit. Also - does that imply that he sleeps in chainmail? Poor shmuck.
9.
that's morbid and unnecessary when thinking about breakfast. If it's an attempt at humor, you should set it up better.
Generally:
Action! Excitement! Good Pacing! Intrigue!... are entirely absent from this fic.
I've just finished first chapter and it's pretty much "a guy did X" and some exposition. This is bland and this is boring. Don't get me wrong, it is the basis of any story ever, but it's way way far from being enough. The second chapter is even worse! "A guy went to X, got directions and went to Y" is a downright horrible structure for a computer game, in literature this is pure torture.
The repetition of same stuff started driving me nuts with irritation by the middle of the second chapter. The guy is totaly crushing on Lady Gwen and is into the sun worshiping, and doesn't know about Equestria. Ok, I get it, now please can we stop repeating it in every second paragraph and get on with the plot?
The skip between him meeting Celestia and then going on entirely unrelated boring stuff is pointless and confusing.
WHAT THE ACTUAL BUCK?
Are you trying to tell me, that after dragging myself through the horrible boredom of FIVE WHOLE CHAPTERS of guy stumbling across equestria to get to Celestia, the only piece of action we get HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT?
The nerve!
No, in all seriousness, if you cut the unnecessary descriptors and pointless details, and "he went there, and then he went there, and there he talked with a OC that will never appear again and went somewhere next" you'll have the initial infodump, two paragraphs of text, and then it's chapter five.
That is a waste of bites if I ever seen one.
Conclusion
While it is a commendable attempt, all in all this fic fails. Unless you orgasm at mere mention of Dark Souls, and cream your little panties at the idea of MLP/DS crossover, this is an utterly boring, horribly paced, badly written drivel, bereft of plot, character development and wit, that even author himself cares very little for.
*sun prasing intensefies*