1 - Delusions of Grandure
Ah Canterlot, the golden city. A global representation of purity and hope to those of the world who lack it, or seek it. Yes, Canterlot is both the metaphorical and literal city on a hill for both Equestria and the rest of the planet. A powerhouse of an economy, a loyal happy people, and two eternal goddess ponies who manage all the shit that comes with it. So, as the potential kingdom builder you may be, you might be wondering what goes on behind those thick pure white marble walls. What thoughts lie behind the smiles of Celestia as she runs her day court? What goes on in the halls where the maids and servants scurry around to keep the place immaculate and properly presentable for the next set of nobles or foreign dignitaries that pass through? Well, I’m sure you can trust me when I say that even I don’t know everything that goes on here in this… cesspool of intrigue. But I’ve had my fair share of experiences in this castle over the last year. And let me tell you, it only gets... odder, from there.
Shall we begin?
Our journey begins in a remote corner of Canterlot castle, far beyond the preying eyes and ears of nobles seeking gossip or money, and secluded enough to where one could stand in the hallway naked and sing a joyful shanty while only having to worry about potentially flustering a maid that happened to be on her rounds.
Or that would be true if there weren’t two stooges of guards standing by one of the doors tonight.
Upon first glance you might have thought nothing of these two guards. They had identical white coats thanks to the enchanted golden suits of armor they dawned. Both had sharpened steel spears held tightly in their fetlocks and were standing dutifully at attention.
Well, what’s wrong with that? You may ask. To that I would say, take a closer look. Even with the enchantment, dark bags could still be seen under both of their eyes, the effort they took in keeping them open was palpable. And do you see that? Those tiny beads of stress-sweat dripping down the forehead of the one on the right. Yes, giving a day guard the night shift was never a good idea, ordinary ponies simply weren't biologically designed to stay up all night. Now comes the real question for you. If these guards had such a hard time with this, why not just have some thestrals from the night guard standing at this particular secluded door? Well, that’s a question to be answered another night. What you should really be worrying about is what’s going on behind that door. Suddenly, the guard on the right let out a shaky breath.
“He’s gonna do it.” he whispered, loud enough only for his partner to hear. “It’s gonna happen… Any minute now.” He started tapping the butt of his spear against the ground incessantly. Quickly getting annoyed, the guard on the left scoffed.
“Quit your nervin’ greenhorn, it ain’t gonna do nothin’ wif us here.” He grumbled in a deep voice, adjusting his hooves into a more comfortable stance. “And if’n it tries anything, it’ll be takin’ a few whacks from my spear for it gets two trots away.” To exemplify his point Lefty took a few quick practice swings with his spear. This didn’t seem to calm Righty’s nerves though, he turned to his partner, lifting a hoof to try and wipe his sweaty brow.
“ Are you kidding me!? Did you see what he did to the guards last week! I don’t think I could handle trying to get that much chocolate syrup out of my coat!” Even with his years of experience in the guard, Lefty couldn’t help but shudder at the thought. So many baths. “ And don’t call him an IT, he can hear us!” Righty whisper-shouted. Lefty rolled his eyes.
“Aw, come off it. It’s hearing ain’t that good. And what’d you expect me to do? Call im by his actual name? No way, no how.” Taking it as a challenge, Righty furrowed his brow in concentration.
“ Annnn-omy, An-tarney, Annnnthropey?” He tried to pronounce. Lefty just shook his head.
“ Don’t hurt yourself kid, just call it Anon, even the princess does that.” Righty frowned.
“But I heard he doesn’t like that name?” Lefty, starting to get agitated, turned to tell his partner off but immediately paused. His mouth hanging open as he looked at Righty.
“Is something wro~urk” Righty was silenced by a hoof to the mouth, both stood there like statues, listening.
tap… tap.. tap. tap tap.
The sound of footsteps echoed under the door.
In a smooth motion both guards stepped back. Facing the door, Lefty and Righty tilted their spears, crouching down in defensive positions.
tap tap…
A light, cool breeze flowed down the hallway, the ruffling of the guards manes beneath their helmets being the only signs that they weren’t statues.
click... creeeeEEEEK!
Both guards steeled their stances as the door opened a few inches before stopping.
CACRACK!!! Whoosh! Whoosh!
Both guards shouted in terror as they found themselves blinded and tangled as the door swung open and two white balls were thrown at them. Whatever they were, they'd quickly managed to trap the two helpless guards as they tried in vain to escape. Their spears had gone through the thin material and their stumbling and flailing only managed to make the situation worse. And from the sounds of metal hitting marble, Lefty could tell Righty had already tripped.
“Show your face beast!” Lefty called out. “Only a coward uses such cheap tricks!” He shouted. Ordinarily, such steel of tongue from Lefty could halt a minotaur mid strike, however the effect was rather lost now that he was stumbling around blind. Just as he finished that sentence, he felt a light pressure against his helmet. Cold fear spread throughout his body as he slowly turned his eyes to the source. Through the thin white material covering him, and by the outside light of the moon he could barely see the flat of a palm. The five long, fleshy claws that came with it lay flatly against his gold helm.
“aaaand push!” A young man’s voice said with mirth. The guard could only watch with mute horror as Anon did exactly as he said. Time seemed to slow down as the force against his head increased. His hooves left the ground as gravity seemed to shift. And poor poor Lefty, found himself clattering to the floor, just like his late-partner Righty. Anon chucked at the hapless guard before speaking.
“Oh, and by the way… The names Anthony.” The beast said, before turning and running only leaving the tip tapping of his footfalls, which quickly faded away.
Lefty lay there on the cold marble ground for a few moment as his senses readjusted, he could hear the clanking of his partners armor as he slowly stood.
“Eugh…” Righty groaned, working to pull his spear out from the clothy material they had been trapped in. “Are these… bed sheets?” He inquired. Still beneath his sheets a few feet away, unbeknownst to Righty, Lefty was quickly going a deep red in the face.
Leaping off the floor the enraged stallion furiously ripped the sheets off his person, tearing the fine cloth into shreds as he removed his spear from the offending bed covers. Seeing the sheer rage in his partners face, Righty took a step back. Lefty growled.
“We’re gonna find that ape, we’re gonna beat the stuffing outta’ him, and we’re gonna barricade him in this room to the point he’ll never escape!” He shouted, positively seething with anger. Righty took another tentative step back. “Which way did he go!?” The blank look on Righty’s face told him everything. “Fine, you go that way, and I’ll go this way, we’ll comb this castle till we find him, EVEN IF IT KILLS US!” Lefty stated manically, galloping off in his direction, which was, ironically, right. After a few seconds of watching Leftly leave, Righty sighed and began trotting left.
Seconds past and the hallway was silent again.
tip, tap, tip, tap
Anthony poked his head through the door of his room, looking down both ends of the hallway before retracting it, and slowly closing the door with a light click.
“Never change.” He said with a smile, turning back Anthony observed his current living quarters. His room was quaint, definitely not one of the more lavish or spacious ones in the castle, but it was perfect for him for a number of reasons. A small four poster bed sat against the left wall while the right had a few basic pieces of furniture like a writing desk and dresser as well as a door that led to a bathroom. And finally straight ahead was a balcony, otherwise known as his true means of escape.
Knowing he had to act quickly Anthony walked over to his bed, crouching down and reaching his arm underneath it.
“Annnd here we go.” He said to himself as he pulled out a length of rope. Well, they were actually a number of bath towels tied together to form a rope, but same thing, right? Anyways, after pulling it out Anthony slung the rope over his shoulder and moved over towards the balcony.
Anthony couldn’t stop a small hitch in his breath as he looked over the edge of Canterlot. Not because the scene was beautiful, which it certainly was, but because of the fact he was going to be hanging from a towel rope above it. Back on Earth it would’ve been impossible to see as much as you could during an Equestrian night. Thanks to the brightness of Luna’s moon he could see far into the distance, which was a good and a bad thing considering he could see the jagged, rocky bottom of the mountain. The sky however, was a different story. Even with the excess light, not a single one of Luna's countless stars seemed to dim. Below him he could hear the faint rush of the waterfall that ran from the city to the base of the mountain. And far in the distance Anthony saw the quaint hamlet of Ponyville, all the lights of which were out, except for the crystal castle. He frowned as he looked at it, knowing who resided inside. Turning his gaze back down the mountain, the human couldn’t help but feel his fear rise in his chest.
It ain’t the fall that kills you. Anthony thought to himself. And better to hit the ground faster than slower if I’m gonna fall anyways.
Taking a minute, Anthony tied the end of his towel rope to the railing, he gave it a few tugs to test the knot strength, more to reassure himself than anything else. He stopped to take a few calming breaths while giving himself some mental reassurance.
It’s cool, it’s cool, you’ve done this before don’t let the nerves get ya. Steeling his resolve the human threw the makeshift rope over the edge. Looking down the edge of the castle, Anthony targeted his quarry.
About twenty feet down and 10 to the left sat another balcony. Slightly wider in length and width than the one in his room, and his path out of the castle.
Thank you Celestia, for your love of trap doors and escape routes. Straddling the railing Anthony carefully placed his hands just above the first knot.
“Moment of truth!” he said before swinging his leg off the edge quickly placing them around one of the knots below him. He hissed in frozen panic as he prayed the rope would be enough to hold his thin form. After a second he dared open his eyes.
Seeing that he wasn’t falling to his death, Anthony breathed a sigh of relief. In terms of escaping, he’d been really lucky with the room the princess's placed him in. There were no guard patrols on the side of the castle overhanging the cliff, mostly due to safety and impracticality. No sentient species on the planet had the natural capability to climb the cliff face, well, a good human rock climber probably could, but last Anthony recalled there were none of them around here. And as for those that could fly, he'd learned that higher up in the towers they kept pegasus sentries to keep the horizons watched with their enhanced eyesight.
Slowly and carefully, Anthony made his way down the rope, placing his feet securely on each knot before sliding his hands down, rinse and repeat. His hands felt clammy and cold sweat beaded on his forehead before sliding to his chin and dripping down the mountain.
Anthony tightened his grip as a cold breeze came through, battering his frail frame and sending his rope swinging in a way he very much didn’t desire.
“Shit shit shit SHIT!” He shouted as he tried to stabilize himself. Somewhere above a thestrals ear twitched. Now or never. He thought taking a look at the balcony that was his destination. He was now parallel with it, the swinging of the rope already bringing him within five feet. Knowing what he had to do to get the rest of the distance Anthony began shifting his weight back and forth.
Three feet… one foot. C’mon c’mon… NOW! On the final swing he lifted his legs, barely managing to vault them over the railing. Letting one hand off the rope he stabilized himself. With a relaxed sigh, he took the rope and gave it a quick swing, sending a wave of force up its length. As the wave reached the top, like magic, the firm knot came undone and the rope fell.
“Thank god for coltscout knots.” He muttered to himself with a smile while winding up the rope of towels. Once he’d finished, he hoisted the length over his shoulders.
Turning to the open entrance, Anthony could already feel steam pouring out of the doorway, the gentle warmth caressed his skin, a welcomed respite from the sharp winds outside. No this wasn’t a bathing area as you might expect, it was actually the maids workplace. It had a laundry room, storage space, cleaning supplies, and everything else they could need on a day to day basis. Stepping in, he once again found himself in a familiar room, cute little pony cubbies lined the walls each filled with the respective maid’s things as well as extra sets of the frilly uniforms they wore. To his right he could see an open entrance leading to a large room with some murky vats of hot water, used for mass washing of clothes.
Anthony pulled at his blue t-shirt lightly, unsticking the fabric from his already sweaty body. While busying himself with this he didn't notice the fluttering of wings coming to a rest from the balcony.
“Hello Tony.”
“AH!” Anthony shouted jumping away from the mysterious voice behind him. Upon hearing the maid’s uproarious laughter his heart began to slow back down. “Oh… Hello Nightingale.” He said humorlessly.
Nightingale was… a curious night maid to say the least. Though it was hard to tell under the outfit, she had much thinner build than most ponies, luckily her fluffy bat pony fur seemed to compromise for it. To normal ponies, the thick maroon eyes and fangs she sported (which he could tell were as dull as a butter knife) would have been unnerving. Anthony just thought it made them even more adorable. This might've been one of the reasons the night workers were more accepting of him than other residents of Canterlot. While most of the other maids stuck heavily to the formalities of the job, Nightingale put life before work. It was something Anthony came to admire about the outgoing mare, but it also got her into a lot of trouble.
“Y-your scream, s-sounded like a little filly!” After about a minute of the thestral rolling around laughing she seemed calm down, getting up she spoke. “So what’re you doing here on this fine night?” Nighty said with a smirk. Finally having time to observe her, Anthony noticed that, along with her usual uniform, she had a stuffed white sack slung over her back, resting on top of her wings.
“I could ask you the same question.” He said pointing to her current load. Nighty’s grin only intensified.
“Oh, you know, I was just going about my rounds when I suddenly heard some shouting from the guards!” She said dramatically. “ And then, this rather angry looking day guard ran right by me. Why, the wind nearly blew my skirt up!" Anthony rolled his eyes. "And wouldn’t you know it when I checked out the commotion I came across these.” Plopping the sack on the ground she stuck her hoof in before lifting the contents out. Leaning down, Anthony rubbed his patchy-haired chin as he viewed the mysterious tattered bed sheets.
“Curious…” He said, intelligently inspecting the pieces. Nighty frowned.
“You wouldn’t happen to know who did this, would you?” She asked, the way a mother would a guilty child. Anthony lifted one of the pieces and studied the damage.
“No… These look like blade cuts through em’.” He said poking a finger through one of the holes.
“Tony, they were right outside of your room…” She said sourly.
“Very curious…” Anthony struggled to keep the smile off his face.
“And I’m going to have to throw them away now, these are expensive you know!” The young man scoffed.
“Oh come on, two sheets like that mean nothing to the princess’s, they could buy a million more if they wanted!” Nighty reached up, snatching the cloth out of the human’s hand.
“It’s about the ethical principle Tony.” She said exasperatedly. “You don’t see me going around destroying things in the castle.” Anthony gave the mare a deadpan look.
“Nighty, you work here.” The thestral glared at him as if to say ‘not the point’. “Also I could’ve done much worse. Remember last week?” The mare froze up upon hearing that, so much chocolate syrup, so many stains. She let out a sigh of defeat
“Fine, as long as you avoid making messes… like that, in the future.” She said with a huff. Anthony smiled.
“Aye aye cap-e-tan.” He said with a salute. After a moment of silence, Anthony clapped his hands together. “Well, this has been lovely, but I really have to go. You know how it is, people to be, places to see!” Walking up to one of the dark wood cubbies, he pressed his body up against it and pushed.
“Grrrr! Bit… Bit sticky today.” He said as he continued to fight the stubborn trap door he'd been seeking.
“Tony…”
“Huff huff. yeah?”
“It’s the one on your right…” She said, pointing to the cubby right next to him.
“Oh… oh of course!” Taking a step over he pushed the new cubby, with a click and a hiss the thing immediately slipped back into the wall and off to the side. Just as he was about to walk in, Nightingale spoke up.
“Tony, if you don’t mind me asking, where do you go? When you leave the castle?” She gave the human a concerned look. Turning back to look at her, he paused, thinking of the right words.
“I go to live, if only just a little.” He said with a lopsided grin. Giving a bemused smile, Nighty rolled her eyes.
“Well don’t die then.” She said sarcastically.
“No promises!” he responded as he entered the escape tunnel. Once he disappeared from sight, the door gave a hiss and a few clicks before sliding back into place.
And all was silent again...
"Strange... as always." Nightingale said to herself with a smile, hoisting the sack of sheets over her back once again, leaving the room to dispose of them.
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You've peeked my interest
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