Another HiE story. Mark was only home from college for a few days before he was unwillingly sucked into Equestria. Surrounded by technicolor ponies, Mark must deal with the politics and issues that come with being the only one of his species.
If you're using italics to indicate when the ponies are speaking in their own language, then you missed a couple of places: namely, when Twilight and Princess Celestia are introducing themselves, and when the doctor is speaking to Mark at the end of the chapter.
6161413 Well, you corrected the (lack of) italics on the doctor's conversation with Mark, but not the other place where italics were missing. That's my fault, really. I should've been more clear. This is where you need the italics:
Alright, time for formalities. I point to myself. "Mark." I say firmly. I reemphasize my finger point. "Mark." The purple pony nods and repeats the name. I then point to her. "Twilight Sparkle." She says matter-of-factly. I repeat it. It sounds like a full name, but in case it isn't I'll address her as such. I now point to the large pony. "Princess Celestia." Says she. Again, I repeat the words spoken. Step one of social interaction is done. Now to break the touch barrier. I put my hand out the side of the bed and look between it and Twilight. She looks up at Princess Celestia.
Man, I have to stop here. The narration is awful. There's too much "I do x" and telling instead of showing. On their own they weren't bad, but together it made for a jarring reading experience.
6161325 I'm sure they would've avoided that for... obvious reasons
If you're using italics to indicate when the ponies are speaking in their own language, then you missed a couple of places: namely, when Twilight and Princess Celestia are introducing themselves, and when the doctor is speaking to Mark at the end of the chapter.
6161396 ah, yes, I'll correct that right away, italics don't cross over from Word, so I knew there were some places I'd miss.
Well, I'm interested to see where this goes. Good start so far.
6161413
Well, you corrected the (lack of) italics on the doctor's conversation with Mark, but not the other place where italics were missing. That's my fault, really. I should've been more clear. This is where you need the italics:
i like it
Man, I have to stop here. The narration is awful. There's too much "I do x" and telling instead of showing. On their own they weren't bad, but together it made for a jarring reading experience.