I'm not a fan of this chapter. Sweetie and Scootaloo's vocabularies seem too advanced for the age they are supposed to (roughly) be in the flashback, and Scootaloo's parsing of events is too mature.
6820244 Perhaps you can give me some specific examples? I don't think I used any high level vocabulary besides in the narrative.
I imaged them around 8 when they met, 9 when her dad left, 10 when the CMC formed and 11 in the present time (as this story takes place after season 4 which was roughly 1 years time in the show).
6820485 "It’s nice to meet you Scootaloo. Hey, I couldn’t help but notice, but you seem kinda down right now. Is there anything I can do to help?” The words themselves aren't too mature, but that is not the sort of thing a child would say.
“I’m… scared Sweetie Belle. What if my family isn’t able to get things like food and supplies anymore. What if… my family crumbles apart? What if… my parents split and end up no longer loving me?” I don't think a child is likely to use the word 'supplies' or 'crumbles', especially in this context. There's a good chance they know what they words mean, but that doesn't mean that they would use the words. And a child is far more likely to phrase that last bit more like, "my parents split and stop loving me?” or "my parents break up and don't love me anymore?”
This sort of maturity beyond their years seen throughout the flashback.
For that first quote, I'd be willing to argue that Sweetie is special in this case, since what she said there sounds a lot like something Rarity would say and Rarity is of course her sister. Perhaps she picked up that speech pattern from her? After all, I'm sure we can both agree kids will often mimic the adults around them.
Maybe there was a word here and there that was a bit odd, but it really don't seem to take away from the point. Examples I could find: hence, tidiest, incident, confront.
Now that the wording issue is confronted, perhaps you can provide an example of what made them "too mature for their age" or explain how one of the character's reactions seemed too unnatural? I'm willing to argue that some of the character's "immature" traits get temporarily disabled per say during these events as Scootaloo was essentially traumatized to some extent and Sweetie Belle could see how much Scootaloo was hurting thus prompting her to be more careful as to not hurt her friend.
Okay, so this is an awesome story. I love the romance aspect of this, and the portrayal of the characters. Honestly, everything is just perfect!
I especially loved the way you handled the kinda-sorta rape. Sure, the pranks were done in a lighthearted way, but ultimately, it was nonconsensual. The fact that you wrote that in, and gave it some type of actual meaning, was really kinda amazing. You're a talented author.
Though, as someone that discovered this story a long freaking time ago, and (sadly) forgot that it was a thing until you posted an update to it recently, I gotta say; please don't make me wait MONTHS for more of this gorgeous awesomeness! I swear, I might die from boredom if I gotta wait for more of these awesome words! So please, don't force me into another prolonged dry spell! I'd... lose my mind, or something!
Not bad story so far the balance between plot and clop isn't bad either I rather enjoy the added emotion behind the sexual acts instead of just glossing over that or ignoring it all together like other stories
Good news everyone! Chapter 9 is already 2,000 words long and I still have quite a bunch more to write. I should be able to release it in a few days. My goal is Thursday, but no promises.
I'm not a fan of this chapter.
Sweetie and Scootaloo's vocabularies seem too advanced for the age they are supposed to (roughly) be in the flashback, and Scootaloo's parsing of events is too mature.
Thanks for the update.
6820244 Perhaps you can give me some specific examples? I don't think I used any high level vocabulary besides in the narrative.
I imaged them around 8 when they met, 9 when her dad left, 10 when the CMC formed and 11 in the present time (as this story takes place after season 4 which was roughly 1 years time in the show).
6820485
"It’s nice to meet you Scootaloo. Hey, I couldn’t help but notice, but you seem kinda down right now. Is there anything I can do to help?”
The words themselves aren't too mature, but that is not the sort of thing a child would say.
“I’m… scared Sweetie Belle. What if my family isn’t able to get things like food and supplies anymore. What if… my family crumbles apart? What if… my parents split and end up no longer loving me?”
I don't think a child is likely to use the word 'supplies' or 'crumbles', especially in this context. There's a good chance they know what they words mean, but that doesn't mean that they would use the words.
And a child is far more likely to phrase that last bit more like, "my parents split and stop loving me?” or "my parents break up and don't love me anymore?”
This sort of maturity beyond their years seen throughout the flashback.
6820756 Thanks for your input.
For that first quote, I'd be willing to argue that Sweetie is special in this case, since what she said there sounds a lot like something Rarity would say and Rarity is of course her sister. Perhaps she picked up that speech pattern from her? After all, I'm sure we can both agree kids will often mimic the adults around them.
Maybe there was a word here and there that was a bit odd, but it really don't seem to take away from the point. Examples I could find: hence, tidiest, incident, confront.
Now that the wording issue is confronted, perhaps you can provide an example of what made them "too mature for their age" or explain how one of the character's reactions seemed too unnatural? I'm willing to argue that some of the character's "immature" traits get temporarily disabled per say during these events as Scootaloo was essentially traumatized to some extent and Sweetie Belle could see how much Scootaloo was hurting thus prompting her to be more careful as to not hurt her friend.
Okay, so this is an awesome story. I love the romance aspect of this, and the portrayal of the characters. Honestly, everything is just perfect!
I especially loved the way you handled the kinda-sorta rape. Sure, the pranks were done in a lighthearted way, but ultimately, it was nonconsensual. The fact that you wrote that in, and gave it some type of actual meaning, was really kinda amazing. You're a talented author.
Though, as someone that discovered this story a long freaking time ago, and (sadly) forgot that it was a thing until you posted an update to it recently, I gotta say; please don't make me wait MONTHS for more of this gorgeous awesomeness! I swear, I might die from boredom if I gotta wait for more of these awesome words! So please, don't force me into another prolonged dry spell! I'd... lose my mind, or something!
6827658 Thank you. I'll try not to make the waiting period longer than 2 weeks.
6827851 It seems some events in my life are preventing me from writing a lot longer than I would have liked. I apologize for the delay.
6894512
It's no problem. Is there an estimated time for the next chapter? I can wait if you need more time, Just wanna expect it a bit.
6894512
Any progress on this nice story? I Really hope you're coming close to finish at least the next chapter
7075035 Alas, I've been super busy working on other, more important things. I may try and finish this story come April however.
Not bad story so far the balance between plot and clop isn't bad either I rather enjoy the added emotion behind the sexual acts instead of just glossing over that or ignoring it all together like other stories
Any plans on finishing this story? I'd lobe to read how it ends. That, and I wanna read about Sweetie getting her brains bucked out.
7075062
Hello,
Any progress on this nice story?
7182646 49.media.tumblr.com/ae9453cfcb321b34cceee570514753cf/tumblr_mkhf7ajlyU1s23baso1_500.gif
7184267
... rude much. At least are you gonna finish it? This story is too good to Just throw away
7184307
...that wasn't supposed to be rude. It was 100% honest. Maybe someday I'll finish it, but I'm too busy with life right now.
7187491 next few chapters please I love this story so much
7206792
Good news everyone! Chapter 9 is already 2,000 words long and I still have quite a bunch more to write. I should be able to release it in a few days. My goal is Thursday, but no promises.
7326354 sweet cant wait
Oh well that's not nearly as bad as we expected. Disappointing that he ran away, but it's past now...