The Ballad of Time Turner and Rainbow Dash: Romance Novels can suck it.

by dramatic_spoon

Show It, Show It

The door to Turner’s house slammed open as the exhausted coupled dragged themselves into the room. Turner slid onto the sofa while Dash continued into the kitchen.

“I didn’t realize we actually had to practice this,” he grumbled, “I would have just taken the paperwork from the mayor’s office and we’d be married.”

“If we did that your mom would kill us,” Dash grumbled as she downed a cup of coffee, “My dad might kill us too.”

“He’s too nice to do that.”

“…Not if we screw this up.” Dash countered

“…Good point.” Turner glanced at the clock, “What time is your thing?”

“Four.”

“Shouldn’t you get going?”

“I want to shower first,” Dash grumbled as she walked off.

“…Don’t take too long, I want to shower too.” Turner called out after her.

“Gotcha.”

Turner’s head fell back onto the sofa cushion as the shower turned on. He laid there, eyes closed, listening to the sound of the water pounding against the floor. Moments later, Turner drifted off to sleep.

Dash turned off the water and yanked a towel off the wall to dry herself. The mare left the shower, the damp towel still around her neck. She paused in the living room, watching the sleeping Time Turner. She smiled and tossed the towel onto Turner’s face, startling him back into consciousness.

“Gurwah?”

“Shower’s open. See you tomorrow.”

Dash left the house and quickly took to the skies.

---

Turner pushed open the Apple’s barn door and looked inside: Big Macintosh, Thunderlane, and Caramel sat around a table in the middle of the barn, focused on their card game. Another table sat to the side, loaded with food and drinks. Thunderlane looked up from the game and smiled.

“Turner’s here, guys.”

“Take a seat, bachelor,” Caramel motioned for him to join them, “We haven’t actually started, still waiting on Joe and Soarin.”

Turner sat at the table and was quickly dealt two cards.

“Game’s blackjack. Chips are all treated like one bit. Each round has a one bit entry,” Big Macintosh listed off.

“Alright.”

“We have non-alcoholic cider, apple juice, an’ water, of course,” Big Mac chuckled, “Don’t want everypony t’ be hungover t’morrow.”

“Had that happen to a cousin of mine once,” Caramel shook his head, “Can’t say it was a very good wedding.”

“ Was that th’ same one you got sick?”

“Yep,” Caramel’s face scrunched up at the memory, “Shouldn’t have eaten the dandelions.”

“How do you screw up dandelions?” Thunderlane shook his head, “Everypony ready?”

“Eeyup.”

“Uh-huh.”

“I think so.”

“Right then…” Thunderlane pushed five bits into the middle of the table.

“….” Caramel, “I fold.”

“Match it.” Big Macintosh tossed five bits.

“….Match it.” Turner slid his own bits into the pile, “and… Show.”

“Seventeen,” Thunderlane flipped over an Ace and six.

“Nineteen.” Big Macintosh revealed a nine and Jack.

“Twenty-one,” Turner flipped over a Queen and an Ace. Thunderlane rolled his eyes and Caramel silently collected the cards.

“I had ten, but with the way my luck’s been, I would have gone over.”

“You sound like Clyde,” Big Mac snorted, “Drives Fritter crazy,”

“Speaking of that, isn’t your cousin getting married soon?” Turner continued, “Ditzy mentioned Carrot Top was engaged.”

“…News t’me,” Big Mac shrugged, “ ‘Course I haven’t heard anythin’ from him for a while now.”

Turner’s response was cut off as the door opened. Soarin and Joe entered, Soarin carrying a bag with him, while Joe dragged a cart covered with a cloth. The Wonderbolt flashed a smile at the others.

“Sorry we’re late, I picked up some booze.” Soarin held up the bag.

“And I had to pack up all the leftover pumpkin baked goods,” Joe grumbled, “Why’d you have them bring it to us?”

“They wanted to see where all of Dash’s friends work,” Turner countered, “And since they won it, I figured that it would make the most sense.”

“This is half of it,” Joe continued on, “I don’t know what we’re going to do with the rest of it. Pinkie wanted to bring it to tomorrow, but we said no.”

“I thought we agreed no booze,” Big Mac frowned.

“A few drinks aren’t gonna hurt,” Soarin set the bag down and pulled out a bottle of beer, “If he drinks a lot and late, yeah, but if he drinks now and doesn’t drink after…” Soarin glanced around, “…There’s no clock in here, is there?”

“It’s a barn.”

”I’d say about seven then,” Soarin continued on as he trotted over to the card table. The pegasus slid next to Turner and placed the beer in front of him.
“So drink up, it’ll be the last time you drink as a bachelor.”

Turner twisted the cap off the bottle and took a swing. Joe took his seat at the table as Caramel dealt.

“Game’s Appleloosa Hold’m. Everypony puts in two hundred bits, winner takes all.”

“…Did Turner decide all of that or did you?” Joe frowned, “Shouldn’t we be letting him choose the game?”

“No, no, it’s fine.”

“…alright then,” Caramel pushed piles of red, white and blue poker chips towards Joe, “You mind sorting these out? White’s worth one bit, red’s worth five and blue’s worth ten.”

“…” Joe glanced around at the others, “…Am I really the only unicorn here?”

“Eeyup. Real pain t’ sort’m if we don’t have one,” Big Macintosh stood up, “Gonna get a piece’a pie.”

“There’s three types, one’s the Cake’s recipe, one’s my mothers and the last one’s Granny Pie’s.”

The farmer returned with three pieces of pie on his plate.
“Couldn’t decide which one.”

“Let’s get started, there’s going to be plenty of time for food,” Soarin grinned as he opened a bottle of beer.

Turner glanced at his cards: the Ace of Spades and ten of spades. Caramel slid the first three cards off the deck and flipped the next three: the King of Spades, Queen of spades and Jack of Hearts.

Big Mac pushed several white chips into the middle, “Seven.”

“Match it,” Thunderlane pushed his chips in. Soarin, Joe and Caramel copied, silently.

“…Yeah, why not.” Turner pushed his own chips into the pile.

Caramel flipped over the next card, revealing the Jack of Spades.

“…I fold,” Joe shook his head.

“…Somepony’s gonna have a good one,” Soarin grinned as he pushed fifteen bits worth of chips into the pile.

“…match it,” Thunderlane pushed his own bits into the pile.

“…Fold,” Caramel sighed.

“Match it.” Big Macintosh pushed his bits into the pile.

“…Raise it to twenty?” Turner pushed two blue chips into the pile.

Soarin, Thunderlane and Big Macintosh glanced at the others before putting another five chips in.

“Last card.”

Caramel flipped another card off the top of the deck, revealing the two of diamonds.
“And…show.”

Thunderlane flipped his cards, revealing a two and a queen, “Two pairs.”

“You thought that would be enough?” Big Mac shook his head, revealing a pair of Kings, “Three o’a kind.”

Soarin grinned as he revealed his hand, “Jack and a two. Full house.”

“….” Turner revealed his hand, “Royal straight flush.”

Thunderlane and Big Macintosh groaned as Soarin laughed.

“This doesn’t bode well for the rest of us,” Soarin chuckled.

“…Where did Dash go for her thing, anyway?” Big Mac ignored the Wonderbolt.

“I don’t know. She said Cloudchaser and her cousin planned it.”

“…You said her name was Slipstream, right?” Soarin frowned.

“Uh-huh.” Turner nodded.

“Purple coat? Cutie Mark looks like a pair of lighting bolts?”

“Yep.”

“…She’s quite a hooffull. When we were younger she got into a fight with a gang of griffons. She won.”

“…And?”

“Well, all I can say is that whatever she planned, it’s going to be something fun.” Soarin chuckled, “We dated back in high school, but it never worked out.”

“…You’re not making me feel better.”

---

The carriage continued along as Dash glanced out the window.

“So where’s this place again?” She turned towards Slipstream.

“Little place out of the way,” she shrugged, “You’ll like it.”

Dash glanced at the other ponies gathered in the carriage: Pinkie, Fluttershy, Applejack, Rarity, Ditzy, Flitter, Cloudchaser and Scootaloo.

“…This isn’t anything we’re gonna get arrested over, is it?”

“What? No. There’s no alcohol involved.” Slipstream shook her head, “How come the Princess couldn’t make it?”

“She’s freaking out over doing the wedding. So she’s sleeping.”

“Doesn’t she have her little dragon henchman to help her?”

“He’s in Neigh Orleans with his marefriend.”

Slipstream blinked, “His what?”

“He’s dating Trixie.” Rarity added, “It’s rather adorable.”

“The magician?” Slipstream glanced at Dash, who nodded in confirmation, “The kids loved her when she came to perform.”

“Speaking of those two…”

“I left them with Aunty Rainy,” Slipstream snorted, “She loves all her grandnieces.”

The carriage came to a stop. Slipstream poked her head out of the carriage and exchanged a few words with the driver.

“We’re here.”

The door opened allowing the ponies to quickly pile out. The group stared at the dingy looking building, with its peeling paintjob and tacky neon sign. Slipstream handed the driver a small bag full of bits.

“Remember, back in five hours.”

“Got it, lady.” The lead stallion nodded before looking back at the rest of his team, “Let’s go, boys.”

The carriage left as Slipstream joined the rest of the group.

“Oh, before I forget…Scootaloo, take this.”

The mare handed off a fake ID to the filly.

“You’re 18 for tonight.”

“I thought we weren’t going to do anything illegal,” Dash countered, “I’m supposed to be responsible here, I told her mother it was fine.”

“It is fine,” Slipstream waved a hoof, “I know the guy who owns the place. That’s just back-up in case something goes wrong.”

“…What even is this place?” Cloudchaser interrupted Dash’s counter.

“Red Foo’s,” Slipstream shrugged as she trotted over to the door.

“Bride-to-be first,” the mare grinned as she pulled open the door. The sound of heavy bass music and techno assaulted their ears as Dash entered. She frowned as she looked around the room: a well-stocked bar, multiple small stages each with a single vertical bar in the middle of it, and groups of small tables and chairs near each stage. The scant customers in the room sat around one of the stages, where an earth stallion, clad in a pair of thongs entertained them. Dash whirled around to face the others: Rarity rolled her eyes, as Applejack shook her head as she pulled her hat over her eyes. Flitter blushed while Fluttershy and Scootaloo turned a bright shade of crimson. Pinkie beamed at the scene before her, while Cloudchaser and Slipstream exchanged devilish grins.

“You took me to a strip club?”

---

Turner stared at the face up cards on the table: the Jack of Diamonds, Jack of Hearts, two of Spades and Seven of spades. He glanced at his own hand: the Seven of Hearts and Ten of clubs.

“Match the bet,” Turner pushed a small pile of red chips into them middle of the table. Soarin, Caramel and Joe frowned. Thunderlane and Big Macintosh sat at another table, moping around slices of pumpkin pies and donuts.

“…Well then, here’s the last card.”

Caramel flipped the top card of the deck, revealing the Seven of diamonds. The earth pony sighed and flipped over his hand: the two of clubs and queen of hearts.
“Was really hopping for another two.”

Joe, tossed his hand aside, revealing a King and Queen, “Nothing. Hoped I would have been able to bluff my way out,”

“Just the two pairs out there,” Soarin shrugged.

“…I feel like I just wasted my luck on this one,” Turner grumbled as he flipped his cards over. Joe shook his head and stood up as Turner pulled his winnings towards him.

“Well, I’m out. Is there any beer left?”

“Eeyup.”

Joe trotted away from the table, leaving the last three gamblers there. Caramel sighed as he looked as the scant remains of his chips.

“You aren’t letting me win, are you?” Turner asked while Soarin shuffled.

“What?” Soarin frowned, “No.”

“I don’t gamble that often,” Caramel added.

“I always lose the Apple Family Poker Tournament,” Big Macintosh called out.

Soarin dealt out new hands for the remaining players. Turner peaked at his; the Three of clubs and Four of Spades.

“Wouldn’t be any fun if we just let you win,” Soarin continued as he peaked at his own hand, “Buy in is two bits.” The Wonderbolt added as he pushed two chips into the middle of the table.

“Well, it’s not going to hurt at this point,” Caramel sighed as he pushed his chips in. Turner quickly followed suit.

“and here we go…” Soarin discarded the top three cards of the deck and flipped the next three: the Two of Hearts, Jack of spades and Six of diamonds.

“….Raise by one.” Turner pushed a single chip into the pile. Caramel silently followed suit as Soarin’s smile grew.

“What, now you got a bad hand?” Soarin chuckled, “Must finally mean your luck’s run out.”

“He’s playing it safe,” Caramel countered, “It’s how he won all our chips before.”

“We’ll see.” Soarin tossed a chip into the pile and flipped over the next card: the Five of Hearts.

“…I fold,” Caramel put down his hand.

“…Raise it by five.” Turner pushed his chip into the middle. Soarin paused, studying Turner’s face.

“…Hell, I fold.” Soarin shook his head, “I can’t get a good read on you.”

“…Well, it was a straight,” Turner flipped over his cards and pushed them towards Caramel. As the stallion shuffled the cards Turner sighed.
“You know, I was really worried you guys were going to hire a stripper or something.”

“Oh, I wanted to,” Soarin chuckled, “But they convinced me it would have been a bad idea.”

“Yeah, it’s not really my thing.”

Red Foo’s

Dash slumped into a barstool. The bartender, a purple unicorn mare trotted over and smiled.

“Gimme a Hot Brandy Flip.”

“You’re part of the bridal group, right?” the bartender jerked her head to the left.

Dash glanced back at the rest of the bridal party: Slipstream, Pinkie, Scootaloo and Cloudchaser cheered as the stallion continued to perform in front of them. Flitter, Ditzy and Rarity continued to chat with several of the other performers. Applejack and Fluttershy sat at another table: Applejack ignoring the performers and catcalls while Fluttershy tried to make herself unnoticeable.

“Yeah.”

“Well, We’re not supposed to give you alcohol, and a flip without booze is just…sweet egg soup.”

“Well, I want something with alcohol,” Dash grumbled.

“…Give me a moment. You ever had a Hangmare’s blood?”

“No.”

“Then you’ll love it,” the bartender smiled, as her aura flared up. A pint glass settled onto the bar in front of Dash as various bottles of liquor began to float around the two.

“So…” the bartender continued on as she poured the alcohol into the glass, “Who’s the lucky one getting married?”

“Me.”

“Oh, really? Congratulations,” the mare beamed as she glanced at one of the bottles, “Hm. I thought this one had more gin in it.”

“I’m not really big on gin,” Dash muttered.

“Oh, don’t worry, it’s fine.” The mare poured liquid from another bottle of gin into the pint glass, “I’m not too fond of rum, but I like it in this one.” The bartender paused as she pulled out a small bottle of stout and poured it into the drink.
“First time at Red Foo’s?”

“Yeah.”

“Not what you were expecting, hmm?”

“Yeah,” Dash sighed, “When you’re a teen it’s exciting and stuff, but now...It’s boring.”

“We get that time from time,” the bartender shrugged, “Your little orange friend really likes it, first time for her?”

“Yeah,” Dash watched as the bartender finished the drink by pouring champagne into it, “That’s kind of a lot of alcohol. I’m saying that and I go drinking twice a week.”

“It’s a wonderful cocktail, trust me. Umbrella?” the bartender smiled.

“Nah, umbrellas are for mother-in-laws.” Dash picked up the drink and took a deep swing. After a moment, she placed the glass back onto the table and paused, savoring the taste.

“It’s good.” Dash agreed.

“It should be, family recipe.” The bartender grinned, “Grandad taught it to me after I got my cutie mark. Anyway, since this is your bachelorette party, you should enjoy it.”

“I can’t.”

“You’re fiancé is probably doing the same thing.”

Dash down another gulp before glaring at the other mare, “He’s not that kind of guy.”

“Well,”

“No, I mean he really isn’t. See my yellow friend over there?”

The bartender glanced over, “Yeah, she keeps ordering virgin Mimosas.”

“He’s kinda like that. Doesn’t like this sort of thing.”

“…Well, that’s got to be a boring bachelor party.”

…

“I don’t believe this,” Soarin shook his head in disgust, “He won all the money.”

“Well, you don’t have to worry about buying us wedding gifts now,” Turner chuckled, “Not every night you make a thousand bits.”

…

“Nah, he’s probably having fun.” Dash took another swing of her drink, “They’re playing cards, he’s good.”

“…Well, it sounds like he’s a good guy,” the bartender shrugged, “I’m sure you’ll be happy together.”

“We wouldn’t be getting married if we weren’t.”

Dash drained the glass and slammed it back on the table, “Gimme a Flip.”

“…Well at this point it won’t hurt.” The bartender sighed as she summoned a metal mug, several bottles and an egg, “Still it’s not a good idea to drink too much.”

“Last one,” Dash grumbled, “I can only take so many virgin drinks.”

“I suppose. You like your egg extra smooth?”

“Yep.”

A whisk floated into the glass and began to spin, blending the ingredients together.
“You nervous?”

“What?”

“Are you nervous about getting married?” the bartender repeated.

“…Like you wouldn’t imagine.” Dash muttered, “I got my friend to officiate and she’s nervous about messing up.”

“Her first time?”

“Yeah.”

“Well…” the mare trailed off as she pulled out a small, solid metal iron and focused her magic aura on it. After a few moments the iron turned red hot and the mare quickly dunked it into the drink, stirring it around. She pulled out the iron, tossed it aside and pushed the drink to Dash.
“Well there’s a first time for everything. Here’s to you, kid.”

“Thanks,” Dash downed the drink, savoring the smooth texture, burnt flavor and blend of the alcohols and nutmeg. After she finished she slammed the mug onto the bartop.

“Best one I’ve had.”

“I should hope so, it’s my specialty.” The bartender chuckled as she tossed the cup into a sink

“…Thanks.”

“For what?”

“For listening,” Dash sighed, “It’s not like me to really talk to someone else about my problems.”

“It’s a bar, kid. I get that all the time.”

“What’s your name anyway?”

“Tonic,”

“You work at any bars?”

“Out in Canterlot. Little place called Gin House Blues.”

“Gotta bring my fiancé…well, I guess by then he’ll be my husband, there then,” Dash corrected herself, “He loves a good drink.”

“Really now?” Tonic smiled.

“It’s practically our hobby.”

Comments

[dramatic_spoon]

Almost there.

This was actually one of the earliest chapters that I had come up with for the story, and it remained mostly unchanged during the planning process.

Turner's Bachelor Party was just going to have Soarin, Mac, Joe, and Thunderlane, but Caramel was added later, after I remembered mentioning him back in Help Yourself as Fluttershy's coltfriend.

The earlier version of Dash's Bachelorette party included Twilight, but I eventually decided to leave her out.
This is sort of based on my own experience when I went to Japan after graduating High School, and was now "officially" able to do things like buy porn and go to strip clubs and stuff.
Buying Hentai was abit of a let down, and we never bothered going to any maid cafes or things like that because we figured "What's the point?".
So after spending much of my Intermediate and High school life looking forward to it, It turned out to be a big letdown.

The chapter went through a couple of naming issues.
First it was going to be a reference to Electric Six's Gay Bar, then Maroon 5's Moves like Jagger (thanks Magic Mike), and finally LMFAO's Sexy and I know It.
Which was really the first three songs that crossed my mind on the topic of "Dash and friends go to a strip club."

Tonic's full name is Gin N' Tonic, which was one of my proposed R63'd names for Berry Punch for a different, abandoned, fic.

Hagmare's blood is a counterpart to the cocktail Hangman's Blood.
This version is based on Anthony Burgess' rendition...
Which unintentionally makes Tonic's grandfather a ponified version of Burgess.

A Flip is a traditional early Colonial American drink. It's beer mixed with Whiskey, Sugar, Hot Water, an egg and stirred with a red hot fire poker to give it the burnt flavor it's known for.
An unusual drink choice, but the idea is that it's sort of a comfort drink.

Anyway, two more chapters.

[Rainbow87dash]

*Le gasp*
YAY! UPDATE!

[Rainbow87dash]

Wait...only two more chapters!!??

There better be a sequel about kids!

[Medi_tation]

Really great, can't wait to see the next chapter ^ ^
a bar like this is really dash's style.