Shining Armor got off the train and smiled. His sister was waiting for him, along with another beautiful looking mare. He approached the two, setting down his suitcase next to him. "Hey Twily. I got your message. So, about this new castle of yours. . ."
The Princess of Friendship beamed at her older brothers attention. "Yes yes, we'll get to that later. But first," she leaned in so only Shining could hear her, "I think Rainbow wanted to talk to you alone for a while." She took a step back, grabbing her brother's bag with her magic. "I'll meet you two at the castle!" then she took flight, leaving her brother behind with the other mare.
Rainbow Dash looked at the ground awkwardly. "H-hey Shining Armor." she gave him a faint smile. "Long time no see."
"It hasn't been that long." he said as he started to walk off the train platform. "Come on." he urged her gently.
Dash caught up with the stalion and cleared her throat. "How's training going?"
"The newbies need to be broken in. That's what's taking so damn long." he looked at Rainbow Dash as they walked. "But other that that it's been smooth sailing. What about here in Ponyville? I haven't been here in years."
The blue mare shrugged as she maneuvered around a puddle. "Same old same old. Nothing really goes on here anymore. Not sense we defeated Terik."
The two ponies fell into an awkward silence, the only sound coming from their hooves.
Shining was the first to speak. "Twily said you had something you wanted to talk about with me."
"Hm? Oh! Right. . ." she chewed on her words before saying, "I've been doing a lot of thinking ever sense the Gala. I think. . ." she hesitated before stating, "I think. . .that I like you."
Shining Armor almost jumped up and down with joy, but he contained himself. "Like, as a friend?" I need to be one hundred percent sure that she loves me back.
"Well, no, but yes. . .I-" she snorted in frustration, "-ugh! I love you, okay?" she blushed at her words but didn't slow her pace. "But I know that you might still have feelings for Cadence, so I understand if. . .if you don't love me back."
Shining stopped in his hoof tracks. She actually said the words. . .Rainbow Dash said she. . . "I-I think I might like you back. But you're right, I still have feelings towards Princess Cadence. They're not feelings of undying love, but they're still there. I need to heal first, if that makes sense."
Dash only nodded, stopping to keep level with the other pony.
Oh Celestia, I hope she isn't hurt. Shining thought as the two fell into silence once more. He tried to come up with something to change the subject, but nothing came to mind. He decided to let Dash take the lead of the conversation.
"I need to heal first, if that makes sense."
Oh yes, it makes perfect sense. Rainbow thought to herself with a tint of anger. She held it back though, instead giving Shining Armor a swift nod. She started to walk again, knowing Armor would follow.
She glanced at the stalion every so often to see if she could read his mind for any sort of hints. When she could get none, she sighed, thinking to herself, You're looking into this waaaay too much Dash. He needs space, no biggie. It's not like there's another mare or. . .anything. she quickly brushed the thought away before it had the chance to grow. "We're almost at the castle." Rainbow Dash said as they rounded the next corner. "It's quite beautiful actually. Not my taste, but hey. I'm not the princess. That's Twi's job."
Shining Armor looked at her and chuckled. "You sure are something Rainbow Dash. I like that about you."
"Thanks. . .I guess." she didn't know how to take the compliment.
As the pair approached the front doors, Twilight came running out, stopping in front of Rainbow Dash. "Omigosh! I'm so sorry to do this to you Rainbow, but the Princess has requested my presence at once. It's very VERY important."
"What could be so-" Rainbow Dash started.
"No time to explain! Show my brother around the castle. I'll be back as soon as I can." She barely said the last part of her sentence before taking off towards Canterlot.
The two ponies looked at each other. "Well that was weird." Rainbow Dash stated before walking though the two large castle doors, Shining Armor close behind. "I can show you the map room first. Well, it's kinda like a throne room, but there's this magical map and. . .ah, it's hard to explain. I'll just show you." Dash pushed her feelings aside as she walked her crush through the castle's halls.
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You know, I can't tell if you guys are annoyed with Jarkes because you aren't able to appreciate input and criticism, or because he's actually right. Either way, please try to be reasonable. The comment function is available on sites like this for a number of reasons, one of which is so that readers can give their input.
I'm sorry to break it to you, but your grammar is all over the place, and the pacing is extremely jarring. Almost every single character is acting entirely out of character, and I wouldn't even know who's speaking if you didn't explicitly tell us with dialogue tags.
The format is technically correct, if you're reading a book, but most readers on this site tend to prefer doubly-spaced paragraph separations.
Also, you said you still need to "figure out the basic story line". Why, exactly, did you publish a work of fiction online if you hadn't even figured out the basic story line? Planning is essential.
What I suggest is that you get an editor. There are plenty of people on this site alone who will be more than willing to take a look at your work.
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I have no idea what you mean by my grammar being all over the place. Are there words spelled wrong? Are there things worded wrong?
I know the pace is fast. That's how i write.
I published this because I like immediate feed back and suggestions on what i could do to make my stories better.
I personally hate double spaced paragraphs, but I understand why it would be easier to read for other people.
The ponies are out of character because this is a fictional story. It's obviously not canon and this story does take place in alternate universe. I feel like ponies shouldn't be in character for every single story on this site.
I am sorry for coming across as a jerk, but the way Jarkes worded his feed back was in a jerky tone, but that might just be how i read it.
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I'm going to send you a PM shortly, which will contain my grammatical survey of Chapter 1 so that you can have a better idea of what I'm talking about, specifically.
I can see that that's how you write, but one of the reasons people read stories like this is so that they can have time to invest themselves in the characters they know, just in new and different ways. One of the strengths of writing, as a medium, is the fact that the audience has enough time to make that investment. Let me give you an example:
You could say:
Or, you could say:
The difference between the two of these, other than the wording and arrangement, is the fact that we're given a chance to breathe after each idea. Instead of hitting us with all these different thoughts and ideas like a freight train, you give each little thing its own chance to shine and have an impact on us—that is, the reader. I'm not saying you need to write a novel—I actually didn't even add that many words to the original—but that you should make every action, gesture, thought, piece of dialogue, and narration mean something on its own.
This is chalking up to be a pretty long-winded comment. Sorry about that.
Now, when you say you want immediate feedback, I can definitely relate to that kind of impatience. However, don't you also want your stories to do well, ratings-wise? Maybe even make the featured box? Here's the thing: the better your story does right when it's published, the more views it will get. The more views it gets, the more comments it gets (usually). The more comments you get, the more feedback you get.
Obviously it's not going to be perfect on release, but you really should do several quality checks. Like I said before, I would highly suggest finding yourself an editor who can go through your rough drafts with you. An extra pair of eyes always helps.
Well, there's not much I can do to help you there. I guess it all boils down to how much exposure you want your story to get, and most people on this site don't like reading a wall of text.
Okay, this is probably the thing you said that bugged me the most. Let me clarify something: the Alternate Universe tag does not imply that Rainbow Dash should act syrupy and romantic. That's not Rainbow Dash. Don't call the character Rainbow Dash if you don't want her to do the things that Rainbow Dash does. There is almost no plausible scenario that I can think of in which Rainbow Dash would give Shining Armor a peck on the cheek after a single night of spending time with him.
The Alternate Universe tag is generally used for stories in which a certain major event or situation turned out differently than it did in the canon universe. Therefore, the universe would have been "altered". For example: there's a story in which Rainbow Dash became Princess Celestia's protegé instead of Twilight Sparkle. That kind of alteration is what I'm talking about. If you have a particular reason some of the characters act the way they do, then you should let us know what that reason is.
Whatever you decide, it all comes down to how believable you want to make this particular ship seem to the audience, and whaddya know? I see in an earlier comment that you do, in fact, wish to make it more believable.
Look, I know I have a lot of criticism, but I wouldn't have spent the last 25 minutes writing up this comment if I didn't want you to do better. That's all I want for the authors on this site, really. I just want people to succeed at their hobby or trade. I don't think you came across as a jerk at all, but you shouldn't call someone who gives a blunt piece of advice a "hater". Here's an example of a hater:
Obviously, neither Jarkes nor myself made a comment like that. We're both only pointing out things we think you can do better.
I'll be sending you that PM shortly to show what you're doing wrong grammatically. Have a good day.
I've been doing a lot of thinking ever sense the Gala. [ since ]
She glanced at the stalion every so often to see if she [ stallion ]