• Published 2nd May 2015
  • 778 Views, 42 Comments

Even Alicorns Roll Ones - TheGreatEater

They say that the actions of the student are the reflections of the teacher. Here's where Twilight got her skills from.

  • ...

Chapter 2 [CMaDA]

Celestia walked to the next academy on her agenda, Canterlot Music and Dance Academy, which was situated between her magic school, and Celestia's School of Engineering. Was technically a part of a group of schools. Since not only was paid for by the crown, but her school for unicorns shared courses with it.

While trotting the three miles to there she thought she'd give her sister a little update, and ask a very important question. After all it wasn't like Luna never dropped her letters, complaints, or random musings when she herself held court.

"Dearest Woona,

Hi Lulu, I thought I'd send you a letter to let you know about my day so far. I learned that I am woefully behind the times. I have no idea when a Saccharine Aide was created, but they are indispensable and we should create such a position post haste. Although the poor dean needs something for his nerves, the poor colt practically stumbled over his words asking for one.

But with how elegantly she performed her task I don't blame him for being wary of parting with her even for a single class. And we don't want to be behind the other nations. What if they are all laughing at us right now for not knowing of such an massively important position.

Oh! Lulu! The teacher said that making sauce was as easy as 'rubbing one off' ... what does that mean? She said Twilight would know. But with your forays into the dreams and lives of our ponies surely you must know.

-Love Tia."

Her reply came to her within mere moments, much faster than she thought it would take. Celestia beamed in pride of her sister's dedication to the job. As well as her prompt action. That pride dimmed when she saw the letter. Which consisted of four hooves of 'Mwahahaha' followed by.

"Sister you slay me. I think the dean was asking for a sacrifice before changing it up to 'an aide'. As for ‘the rubbing one off’. Yes! For the love of our mother! Please, please ask Twilight! I know she would be happy to tell you all about it.

Love you too,

-Luna, The Destroyer of a Thousand Dust Bunnies and the Thing That Hides Under the Bed"

Celestia blushed at the title she had given Luna when she was much younger. Sure it was a mouthful, but her sister's bravery for beating up the Boogey Mare and the army of evil Dust Bunnies who were plotting to steal her birthday cake, needed an appropriate gift. Nothing screamed best gift ever, than a noble title.

So again she sent the letter she had sent to Luna to Twilight instead. Even adding a little bit on how she was taking a few classes today to further her own scholastic pursuits, Now that Twilight's a princess, I can't wait to spend more time with her. We've been growing apart for some time now, and now I have something new to share with her.

Celestia felt more than saw the explosion happen in Ponyville, followed shortly by a letter. "Are you serious?"

"Yes, since when have I ever not been serious with you?"

"Well you're usually serious, other than when you're pranking. So are you seriously serious?"

Celestia frowned at that, "Twilight, you know more than anypony I don't take learning things lightly. So tell me! Luna and the school laughed when I asked that. Both recommended I ask you. Also Spike shall gain the new position of First Saccharine Aide. He has been utterly irreplaceable to both of us, and in this new position I deem him perfect for the position (still serving both of us of course)."

Celestia almost go to CMaDA when she received her reply. "Alright ... I'll have everything ready to tell you all about it ... but I need to know. When you yelled earlier ... were you thinking of me?"

Celestia could almost see the hopeful look in her students eyes when she wrote that last bit. It warmed her heart to think that Twilight would want to know if she was thinking of her student ... ex-student, when learning something new." Twilight you're never far from my mind, especially now that I get to feel the same joy of learning that you exhibited when I taught you."

As she entered the door she received one last letter, "Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! You're going to like the lesson I have planned for you then. Come later tonight.


PS: This is Spike here, Twilight was in her room for awhile, and when she walked out she was all glowy and smelled like lavender and peaches. Whatever your letter said she looks really happy ____ now she's going on about giving you a special lesson tonight. Well as long as I get a break. I promised Applejack to help her later today.

P.PS: Thanks for making Twilight happy, and helping me get over Rares. She's a great mare, but her and Rainbow Dash are pretty cute together.

P.P.PS: Can you bring over some emeralds? I'm running low and Rares isn't going to be doing a gem run for a few weeks."

Celestia let out the most adorable filly like squeal of happiness. She could see Twilight doing her little yes dance, and it was all because she got to teach Celestia something for once. As for Spike, it was difficult getting a dragon to let go, but with her and Luna's help. She was happy that he was moving on, while maintaining his friendships. Especially the new one with Applejack.

Whereas the Culinary Arts building was order in it's purest sense. This one seemed to be orderly chaos. With various groups of young scholars milling about one another. Different genre's of music flowing through the hallways. Adding the voices of the ponies milling about. Celestia closed her eyes, and drunk in the atmosphere, to think that all of these ponies would someday make a name for themselves in the musical world. And here they were, their differences merging together to make something as transient as it was beautiful.

"Heya Princess! How's it hangin'?" A young colt asked, his mane done in what did they call them? Dreadlocks?

"Beg your pardon?" Celestia asked.

"How's it hangin'?" He repeated.

"Umm ... what is this hangin' you speak of?" Celestia asked her brow scrunched up in confusion.

"It means what's up," he explained with a cheesy grin.

"Oh! I'm hear to partake a class or two in this most esteemed of schools. It's to ... catch up on things I might have missed over the centuries," Celestia grinned.

"Sweet," he replied. Celestia wondered why his eyes were glazed and bloodshot, but waved it off as studying hard. Although she did feel slightly bad for the youth, after all not even Twilight looked that bad. But he did seem rather happy.

"Very much so. By the way, what cologne is that you're wearing? It's quite fragrant, do they make it for mares as well?" Celestia inquired.

"Of course! Um ... you know what cannabis is right?" He asked.

"Of course. I was there when the Mexicolt traders introduced it to Equestria. Oh, so that's the smell. Well as long as you're happy, and don't slack off on your studies, I've never seen any problem with it," Celestia said with a saintly grin on her muzzle.

"Cool, hey you don't want some do you? It really helps relax a pony and helps with studying."

"Really. I'm an almost straight A student. The only B I have is because I don't really like music history."

"But a good foundation is necessary to create strong art. I recently learned that this morning," Celestia piped.

"Seriously? Well I guess I could do better. Anyways, whatcha say? Want some?"

"Thank you, but no. I couldn't possibly part you with something that is helping in your scholastic endeavors."

"Cool. Well the Dean's Office is down the hall to your left. Can't miss it. See ya Princess."

And with that he was off. Well that seems to explain his eyes, I never really saw the appeal of cannabis. But my mages said that it was safe, and had good properties when imbibed in moderation. I might have to see Twilight's thoughts on the matter. We might get to experiment together. That'll be so fun!

Celestia skipped down the halls. Her wings occasionally giving a happy flutter as she made her way to the Dean's Office. Today shall be the best day ever!

But before she could make it she heard a rather strange song coming from Parodies 204. Straining her ears she heard, "What if Celestia smoked cannabis, hit a bong like some of us, drove a tie dye caravan and subscribed to Rolling Stone."

Celestia opened the door and asked, "Sorry for interrupting the song, but what are you singing?"

"Cadance's Holy Bong! It's Princess Celestia!" A bright neon purple earth pony mare screamed.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you, but who was singing that song?" Celestia asked, her body radiating acceptance and grace.

"Sorry Princess Celestia, I didn't know you were coming here. At least the teachers didn't say anything."

"Oh, it's no offense my little pony. I encourage all my subjects to feel free to express themselves. I just couldn't help but overhear your beautiful voice singing a song about me smoking cannabis. And was wondering if it was a new song, or something that has existed already?" Celestia asked.

"I ... I ... made it up for my homework. It's a parody of 'What if Celestia Was One of Us?', by Cheerful Moor. You aren't offended?" The young mare asked.

"Of course not, although I shall request that you send a recording to the castle so that I may hear the finished version at my leisure. On second thought, I shall send an invitation to this class so that not only you, but the rest of the students here may also submit a parody of their choosing, and if it becomes popular enough to become a part of the Canterlot Gift Shop, you shall all earn money for royalties as well as chunk donated to the school."

"Really!" All the ponies yelled excitedly.

"But of course."

A portly, jolly looking unicorn mare. Who looked surprisingly like Mrs. Santa Hooves, waddled over to Celestia, "Thank you so much Princess. Although I wonder, what brings you over to the school today?"

"Simple, my sister has brought it up to my attention that I am out of touch with my studies. Even though I help run so many schools. So I thought I'd drop by and try a class or two in each of them," Celestia's grin was one that'd put Pinkie Pie's biggest grin to shame.

"Oh! So that's what you ... yelled enthusiastically about?" The teacher ventured.

"Yes, it was my first class I had partook in for ... about five hundred years. Give or take two millennia."

"That's wonderful, it always brings a grin to a teachers face to see a student who's enthusiastic about learning. Say, why don't you have a hoof and try playing us something?"

"Well ... that's to say ... I am a bit rusty. I don't think I could quite match your students finer touch," Celestia replied nervously.

"Non-sense. I'm sure you aren't that rusty."

Looking about she spotted a piano, "Well I did play a few instruments ages ago. Hopefully it's something that I can just pick up."

So with that Celestia looked at the keys before her. This is much different than when they were first made. I remember you had to lay on your sides and stretch most uncomfortably for all four hooves to be used. This looks so much simpler.

Celestia tried pressing a few keys with her forehooves, and let loose a giggle. Before banging away at the keys randomly. It sounded amusing to her, but she was surprised when a flash erupted in the room with a bewildered Discord standing in the center, "Who called?" He inquired.

"Discord! What are you doing here?" Celestia admonished. Prepared for whatever chaos he might bring to this hallowed place of learning.

"Oh it was you Sunbutt! I was wondering who had my number, I hadn't given it out for eons."

"Your number?"

"Yes, my number. There I was laughing with Pinkie Pie at the sound of your ... lovely voice earlier today while she took refresher courses a few schools away. When out of the blue I heard someone call me up. So what can I do for you this day?" He asked with a sardonic bow.

"Well nothing, I was just playing music ... or trying too."

"Oh this is brilliant! I must watch more. Although you might want to be careful, a few cords lower and you would have summoned Pore-Nose, the Elder One of Dirty Things. Last time she visited, I was born ... and the pre-Discordian Love Renaissance."

"Was she your ... mother?" Celestia inquired. She knew more than anymortal that Elder One's had genders best considered unidentifiable, at worst, a plethora of genders.

"No, No, No. She just created the environment for two totally different aspects of reality to get together in the old fashioned sense," Discord quipped.

Celestia got away from the piano, and looked around. What instrument can I wield that won't accidentally summon a deity beyond mortal comprehension to give birth to another Discord ... hmmm! A a violin! I hadn't played on of those in centuries. Not since Misty Heartstrings and I were an item, she carried so many of my foals. It was surprising she was a unicorn and not an Earth Pony. The stamina in that one.

Celestia picked up the instrument in her magic. And quickly forgot everything about how to use it. It can't turn out that bad. After all, it is a beautiful instrument.

The sound of tortured screams, stepped on cats, and unending suffering erupted from the strings. Everypony but Celestia, and the non-pony in the room cringed at the sound. But Celestia was no quitter. She just tried harder.

The room darkened, the walls bled tar, and echoing wails resounded through the walls. And out of the tar came out an old friend of Celestia's, "Jessie!"

His 6 mouths worked themselves into a grin, and his draconequus like mismatch of body parts writhed happily, "Silly Tia, what's shaking?" His six mouths sang in an oddly happy dirge.

"Nothing much, what brings you here, our poker game isn't till next week?"

"I was about to crack open a few cold ones, when I heard someone play my happy birthday song. I didn't know you remembered my birthday. After all in non-euclidean time space or calendars rarely intersect."

The ponies in the room looking at Celestia conversing with a fell god from the frayed edges of non reality were stuck between wanting to hurl, and beg forgiveness for whatever twist of karma brought him into the world of the living.

Celestia on the other hoof was oblivious as she greeted her friend, "sorry. I was trying to play the violin. I promise when you stop by next I'll have a nice little gift for you. By the way thank you for the cake last year it was delicious. Unfortunately I don't know any cook who can do the recipe without going insane."

"Well I got to go then. Those casks won't empty themselves."

After he left, the teacher looked at her and said, "Maybe it'd be safer for you to stop playing things until you can do it without threatening all existence?"

"That'd probably be best."

Twenty minutes later, and a lot of apologizing about playing Stalliongrad Roulette with the accidental musical summoning of the end times. She was finally at the next class, far away from the Music Wing. Expressive Dance 101.

The teacher was a unicorn stallion who was built like a mountain. Made of muscle, and Celestia wondered how such an ... abundantly muscled stallion could be a dance instructor. Peaking at his haunches she saw the most subverting Cutie Mark since the time she saw an advisor named Sharp Wit whose Cutie Mark was a trio of Z's. The dance teacher's was equally backwards, a pair of dance horseshoes with wings.

"Well hello princess," he boomed pleasantly.

"Hello Mr..."

"Twinkle Hooves."

"Mr. Twinkle Hooves."

"So you're taking a crash course in expressive dance?" His deep voice while having a deep, rumbling baritone. Held a surprisingly gentle and joyful quality to it.

Taking into account the room's acoustics, and not wanting to deafen another classroom, her enthusiastic affirmation was kept several decibels beneath the Royal Canterlot Voice.

"Good to hear. Now stand in the group over there while we start. Now since we have new blood, I'll start off with the beginning speech. Dance is easy, everypony can dance. But here we strip away the rigid forms and structure of traditional dance. Even though those classes are helpful and have their uses.

"But here we lean not steps, but how to feel the music move through you. Whether you bounce, jiggle, shake, pivot. There are no right or wrong steps. Even if you stand still and move your head, or tap a hoof to the beat. It's all dancing, so let your bodies move, and most of all have fun."

Now Celestia knew over the generations she had packed on a few pounds here or there. But she was a very healthy eater. Centuries ago she paid the castle nutritionist to agree that cakes, and cookies since they had eggs, grain flour, and milk were a balanced meal. As long as fruit, or some type of vegetation was involved somewhere along the meal. The last part was something the nutritionist wouldn't budge on. Thankfully tea, coffee, and cocoa came from trees thus totally counted.

Then when the whole colored greens thing was trying to be pushed as healthy. Celestia made sure that at least in two meals, she had green icing, coloring, or food dye somewhere in her meals so they would be colored green. So she knew she was a healthy eater.

So it was as a surprise when ten minutes into class the room was obliterated. All she did was shake her hips, hop a few times, and do a little wiggle. And her actions made the room look like a bomb went off ... or Luna had snored there. Yes that must be it. Luna's snoring traveled into the room while I was dancing. Bad Luna sleeping on the job.

"Princess, I mean no disrespect, but it looked like you were having a seizure. And you're weight ... well combined it makes you the most dangerous dancer in Equestria. You might want to look into a diet, or training somewhere that's reinforced to withstand earthquakes." Twinkle Hooves sadly told the Princess.

I'm not fat! If you can't trust a doctor to give you the answer you want. Who can you trust. I'll just ask Luna, she was the Element of Honesty. She'll tell me I'm not fat, and I can go to buying alicorn strength rooms. Like I have. Well I learned things here as well. I hope it goes well.

Author's Note:

So for the most part. Last chapter was low brow, situational comedy satirizing Twilight's inability to cook. This one was mostly supposed to be situationally random, with a bit of slap stick. Poking fun of Twilight's inability to dance, or play instruments (although that mare can sing ... or at least carry a tune verbally). This was one of my more favorite chapters. Next chapter was honestly my most favorite to do.

I love the idea of Celestia and Luna having pet titles for each other. That are totally legitimate if not slightly nonsensical. And every once and a while they whip it out in public. To see how long / many titles can be said without someone bursting into laughter, or simply to troll a foreign nation. Especially those who think the more titles one legitimately holds the better they are.

Next Chapter comes out in three days. Celestia goes to Celestia's Academy of Engineers. And I love the last paragraph of this fic. And playing with the sisterly banter at the beginning. It's always fun to do them together. Regardless of what they're doing, they can make it fun. And Twilight's bit here made me crack a grin, "Did you think of me?" The funny bit is Celestia throughout this fic, is totally clueless, til the end. She has no idea what the saying means, nor of what Twilight is talking about.

Anyways. Hope you all liked this chapter, next one is totally clean humor. Albeit, minus the Celestia worried about Regal-sororicide, and sends in the mecha building hobbits to Castle Doom. To destroy the Moon Pie in the belly of where it was once forged. 90% of that spoiled bit is false. 9.% is exaggerated. .9% is true. The extra .1% is frosting ... but what flavor?

Punned Name List:

Fair Moor: This ponification was a bit of work, but I think is fitting for Alanis Morissette: Alanis = female variant of Alan. Alan = Fair/ Handsome/ Noble. Morissette = French personal petname for Maurice, which is from Morris, which means Moor / Marsh / Fen. I ended up picking moor. Since Marsh sounds rather haggy, and like she'd be covered in warts or something. And I don't know anyone who uses the word fen.

So Fair Moor, is a pony Alanis Morissette, in the purest definition. While still sounding feminine.

PS: Yes. In this fic, I shipped Spike with AJ ... That dragon has never landed with AJ. Even though there's fics with him with the rest of her siblings (well Big Mac turned into mare still counts right?). Thought it'd be interesting.

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