Paradoxical

by Smaug the Golden

Stormy weather and tempers.

“This was your most idiotic idea in ages,” Arcane muttered for the thousandth time. “We’re stuck here working for the queen of the unicorns, who you most certainly didn’t do research on, you sent us years before the actual event happened, and you got me into a job that I actually have to commit time to.”

“I’m sorry,” I muttered, “but I really thought that this would work. I planned it all out perfectly. I really don’t know where it went wrong.” The two of us had been trapped in this point of history for three years, unable to use our time travel spell for whatever reason, and had fallen into the routine of working for Queen Brass.

“The moment you trusted Riptide,” Arcane muttered, “is the moment it all went wrong.”

“Starswirl!” a voice shouted. “Where are you?” Arcane gave me a devilish glance.

“Guess Platinum wants you.”

“Yeah, yeah,” I said, grabbing my cloak off a hook and throwing it over my shoulder. “I still don’t get how a young mare like her has better lungs than you. That should be illegal or something like that.”

“It doesn’t really matter,” Arcane pointed out as he followed me down the stairs. “Besides, any laws in this area of the world are created by her mother and father, so you’d have to take it up with one of them.”

“Thank you, Mr. I’m-going-correct-my-friends-bad-logic, but I have a whiny student to take care of. Besides, don’t you have to be somewhere today?”

“Nope,” he said happily. “Brass said that I could have the day off, so I’m going to the village. I’ve got some pay to spend. Clover’s joining me.”

“I shouldn’t have told him he could have today off. You two are going to have a laugh at my expense, aren’t you?”

“Probably.”

“Fine,” I groused. “Grab me a book while you’re out. I want something that could possibly get us out of here.”

“You tell me that every time,” Arcane replied, “and every time there’s nothing. What makes you think that there’ll be anything this time?”

“I don’t know,” I muttered. “But I really want to try to get out of here before anything major breaks out.”

“Seriously, what is there to worry about?” We turned around the corner and saw Platinum waiting for us. She was a small white mare, about eight years younger than Arcane and I. She had a short, purple mane, and she wore a crown that was too large for her. Definitely took after her mother.

“Well, there’s this crazy mare who I’m teaching today.”

“Starswirl!” Platinum ran over to me, jumping up and down with excitement. “Oh, and Arcane. How are you?”

“I’m heading off to town for the day,” Arcane replied, “and I’m leaving poor Starswirl to teach for the entire day.”

Platinum tilted her head slightly. “Why does that make him poor?”

“Meta-humor,” Arcane replied. “Stuff from higher planes of existence and whatnot.”

“Like demons?”

“Of course not. I mean things like Squirk. You know, terrifying eldritch abominations and time traveling wizards?”

“Why would you be chatting with eldritch abominations?”

“I don’t, but time traveling wizards are a different matter.” I glared at him and he headed off to the village, grinning like a madman.

“Starswirl, what was he talking about?”

“Ignore him,” I replied, grabbing a few books off of a nearby shelf while I was at it. “He’s been mad at me since I got us stuck in a job here. Here, take this.” I handed her a thick tome on basic summoning and another on magical creatures.

“Why is he mad about that?” She set the books on the table and looked expectantly at me.

“He liked his old job and he ended up leaving most of his stuff at his house by mistake. Anyway, turn to page ninety-eight in the bigger of the two and seventy-three in the other.” She did so and I continued. “Today, I’m going to be teaching you about the fae.”

“What are the fae?”

“If you’d let me continue, I would tell you.” She didn’t interrupt, so I continued. “The fae are a large group of creatures, generally featuring equine-like features, from creatures such kelpies...” I continued my lecture for some time, giving her information of the fae’s fear of iron, their feeding habits and so on.

After I had finished, I realized that Platinum had fallen asleep. I shook her awake. “Just five more minutes,” she muttered. “I get little enough sleep as it is.”

“You get at least five hours of sleep a day,” I snapped, “you can stay awake now.”

“But all doctors suggest at least getting eight hours of sleep a day if you’re a between fourteen and sixteen.”

“Those doctors are silly stallions who have yet to discover that coffee is Harmony’s gift to us.”

“Mother says caffeine was the invention of some cult of alchemists.”

I shook my head. “No, it was the invention of a brilliant scientist. Regardless, you need to stay awake when I’m teaching you. Whether it be by getting more sleep elsewhere or just getting into the glory of coffee, I expect you stay awake during our lessons.” Platinum groaned and I wrapped her on the head with a thin book. She winced.

“What was that for?”

“Sass and the like.”

“I could have mom use her guillotine on you,” she muttered darkly as she turned her gaze back to her book. “Besides, why is learning about the fae useful in any way?”

“Let me just say this: when you’re stuck dealing with hateful ice spirits, you’ll thank me.” She raised an eyebrow. “Who knows? I had a friend who ended up having to bargain with a kelpie in order to stay alive.” This time she blinked. “Trust me, fae dealings are rarely tamer than that.”

“But…” She threw her hooves into the air. “This is ridiculous! Why do I need to learn about the fae? I’ve never even seen one, so why would I see one anytime soon?”

“Just a hunch,” I replied, pulling more books off the shelf.

“Last time you had a ‘hunch’ you ended up burning down the west wing. I don’t see why your hunch would be any more accurate this time.”

I was about to correct her and inform her of why my hunch would be a hundred percent accurate when I accidentally dropped a book on my head; I winced, causing my magic to fizzle out and all my other books to fall.

“You okay?” She did nothing to help me, typical of her, but did come over to look. “Why were you grabbing books on advanced faery magic? Am I going to learn some of it?”

“Nope,” I replied, putting the books into my saddlebag. “They’re for Clover.” Her face fell and I almost felt bad for lying to her; she spoke and then I remembered who I was talking to.

“But you let Clover do all of the advanced magic,” she whined. “Why can’t I do some of it?”

“Clover took my advice and joined me in taking caffeine. You have not. That makes all the difference.”

“Then why isn’t he here and awake?”

“I told him could have the day off. Now, come on, let’s get back to studying.”

“I’m sorry Starswirl,” a voice said from behind me, “but I need my daughter for now.” Queen Brass was standing behind me with a look of irritation on her face. “Apparently, it turns out that someone in my court sent a letter asking for parley with the other tribes. Something about the laws of the Grand Summit. You wouldn’t happen to know who I have to blame for this?”

“No,” I said. My bewilderment must have shown on my face, because she looked surprised.

“You don’t know?”

“No,” I said honestly. “I really have no idea who sent that. I didn’t even know that there were rules of a Grand Summit. What makes you think I sent it?”

“Possibly the fact that, you know, you were the one who expressed the greatest desire to try and work out peace between the tribes, no matter what I say. You’re a hopeless optimist, and I felt that this was exactly the sort of thing you would try.” She showed me the first of two letters, which I gave an appraising look.

Queen Brass, it began. It has come to our attention that you seek to negotiate peace between our tribes. While we do not feel that such an action is possible, we are open to discussion. We request that you come to speak with us, on the third Friday of this month, on neutral territory. We hope that a peaceful solution can be reached.

However, we do request a few things. Do not send more than two of your soldiers to the location in question, we can’t have any fighting. This part of the note had a small smile drawn on it, making me question the sanity of its author. The rest of the note was inconsequential except for the end, which was signed by Chancellor Puddinghead.

When I had finished reading, Queen Brass raised an eyebrow at me. “You really have nothing to do with this? This has you written all over it.”

“Honestly, I didn’t do anything. So, what are you going to do?”

“Send Platinum in my stead.”

“Why?” I asked. “Why can’t you go? Why can’t you send Clover?”

“Hopefully,” she hissed, “she’ll mess something up and help me figure out who caused this mess. I don’t have time to deal with overblown pegasi and arrogant earth ponies; I have to stop this storm. I have to get her ready for the summit, it’s in a week.”

When the Grand Summit rolled around, I ended up having to go as ‘The Princess’s Royal Escort.’ Arcane called it a fancy way of saying that I was the chauffer. I personally didn’t care. Regardless, it resulted in me having to stand in the bleachers while the meeting went on. Arcane got lucky and got a seat near the front.

The three leaders met at a table in the center of the building. The first leader to arrive was Chancellor Puddinghead. She entered with a fanfare that defied description. As in, nobody could describe it; it happed ridiculously fast. One moment, the table had nobody standing on the earth pony side, the next moment there was an earth pony standing there. She looked like she belonged at carnival, not a political meeting. She wore an elaborate hat that held what looked like artificial pudding, hated the stuff, and clothes that were all different colors. Made quite the visual riot.

Hurricane simply flew in. Wearing a coat of mail and a dented helmet, she made the perfect image of why the Pegasus Empire reigned supreme over a quarter of the continent for eight centuries. Her mail was made up of a combination of iron and dragonscale, and her mane was cut short at her neck in case of fighting in close quarters.

Platinum bit her lip as she stepped forward. The three leaders removed their headwear, a sign of respect, and promptly began arguing. “Alright,” Commander Hurricane snapped. “Why is it that there’s no food headed our way?”

Platinum shrugged. “I really have no clue.” The two of them glared at Puddinghead, who shrugged.

“What?” she asked. “It’s the pegasi who are causing all the weather problems. We can’t grow anything in this weather.”

“What about bearberry?” Hurricane pointed out.

Puddinghead made a face. “Have you ever eaten that stuff? It tastes worse than in the pot, nine day old, porridge. Trust me, you would declare way if I tried to feed the stuff to you guys.”

“Does it really taste that bad?” Platinum asked. Puddinghead simply tossed something at her head. Platinum used her magic to catch it and put it in her mouth. She gagged and had to have Puddinghead give her Heimlich. “You’re absolutely right,” Platinum wheezed. “That tastes terrible.”

Puddinghead shrugged. “You asked. You put it in your mouth. I take no responsibilities for any side effects.”

Hurricane raised an eyebrow. “Are there side effects?”

Puddinghead shrugged. “No clue. Nobody would taste it for me. They all said that I was madder than a pegasus if I wanted them to eat it.”

“Oh,” Platinum said, eyes wide. “That bad?” Puddinghead nodded. I sighed and set my head against the nearest wall.

“You idiot,” I muttered under my breath. “That qualifies as racism.” The unicorn next to me raised an eyebrow. She had been humming up to this point, but apparently my comment had gotten her attention.

“What do you mean ‘racism’?” Her tone was friendly, as if she was oblivious to everything in the world.

“Well, you know,” I said. “They basically just said that all pegasi were mad. Don’t you think that that qualifies as racism?”

‘Not really,” she said. “I get called an idiot by my sister all the time, so what’s the difference?”

“Oi,” I heard Hurricane snap, “what do you mean, ‘madder than a pegasus?’”
I decided that this was the perfect moment to step out. “Got to go,” I said to the unicorn next to me. She waved by and I stepped out into the freezing blizzard. I heard shouting and what sounded like a brawl from inside the building, but I ignored it.

Arcane came out to find me after a little bit. “So,” he said. “Do you think they’ll be horribly injured?”

“Nope. I read up on pretty much everything before we came here. They get a few bruises, but that’s it. Platinum also breaks a wing, but there’s nothing magic can’t fix.”

“Says the unicorn who tried to create sentient life using tetrafluoride.”

“Please don’t speak of either that story ever again,” I said calmly.

Arcane shrugged. “Fair enough.” We stood there in the cold for another minute or so before speaking.

“Find anything at market?” I had forgotten to ask him earlier, what with the Grand Summit and all.

“I’ll tell you later.” Arcane nodded towards the door. “I think the meeting is ending.” He was right. The doors burst open and Chancellor Puddinghead was thrown out. She rolled for a little bit, coming to a stop five feet past the doors.

“Alright,” she hissed, swinging a hoof above her head. “You asked for it!” She went back into the building, swinging her hoof above her head like a madmare. Arcane and I stood there, watching the tussle coming from inside the building.

“You think we should go?” Arcane asked.

“Nah, this is an excellent opportunity to get away from Queen Brass, Clover and Platinum for a little while. Let’s just stand here for a little while longer.”

Author's Note:

Any warning bells?

Comments

[LyraAlluse]

I like that this story is written from the perspective of Star Swirl. I haven't seen a lot of fan fictions about him, and it is good to see someone write not only a fan fiction about him, but also something that fleshes out something about his character that was mentioned in the show. Keep on going. I'm enjoying reading this.

[Smaug the Golden]

6136496 Glad you like it. I'm currently on the second chapter following the currently published ones, I'm just cleaning some stuff up, as I have to pull some more strings together. Also, yeah, Starswirl seems so underutilized. I mean, they mainly use him to solve whatever magical issue in the show, so much so that it can cause timeline issues. Part of what got me to write this, actually.