Paradoxical

by Smaug the Golden

Breakthrough.

“Arcane,” I said, “I think I have made a breakthrough.” I shook him awake and showed him my mighty ‘scroll of scribbling,;’ where I had copied the important bits from the old tome Riptide had given the pair of us.

Arcane rolled over under his blanket. “It’s five in the morning; give me some sleep. Seriously, do you not understand that coffee is not the key to healthy sleep habits?” I continued to shake him until he got up, at which point he finally realized the most pressing question; which wasn’t about my coffee addiction. “How did you get into my house?”

“Teleportation,” I said, shrugging. “It’s not like you have any wards against teleportation around this place. You really need to fix that.”

“That’s because,” Arcane growled, pulling himself into a sitting position, “my job is to summon things that can’t teleport. Do you really think I would spend my cash on supplies for defense mechanisms that will only be useful every one time out of a thousand?”

“Considering that things that can teleport are usually the one to brutally murder you in the dead of night, such as an assassin, I’d say it’d be a worthwhile investment.”

“Assassins are a trifle against my security,” Arcane said, allowing himself a moment of pride. “It’s designed to violently eject any invaders, preferably through the ground.”

“Isn’t that dropping them, not ejecting them?”

Arcane stood up, went over to his kitchen, and grabbed his leftovers from yesterday. “You know,” he said, munching on his hayburger, “it technically is ejecting, as theirre remains are still spat out by Berserk when he’s done. But yeah, it’s more of dropping. Anyways, what sort of breakthrough do you have?” I showed him my mighty scroll once more. “You’re joking. We went through all of that trouble for the kelpie to tell us this?”

“Not really. A lot of the stuff we got from the kelpie was irrelevant to the topic at hand, but it’s still useful. I mean, we could use it to peer into the hearts and souls of other ponies. It also had information on lost cities, countries and stuff like that. It would solve all of the issues with interrogation that the princesses have.”

Arcane raised an eyebrow. “Wasn’t there, you know, some giant controversy about that a few years back?”

“It’s politics,” I said. “There’s controversy about everything.”

Arcane gave a little nod of understanding. “Alright, fair enough. But seriously, you expect me to believe that this spell will work?” He pointed to multiple of the more weirdly worded lines of the spell. “I know that it’s a mental spell, but I really doubt that this is what one wants to envision while traveling through time.”

“Well,” I said, “do you want to come to the past with me or not? This is the only way I could think of, so you’d be missing out on the chance of a lifetime.”

Arcane sighed. “Fine, but let me grab something else to eat. I don’t want to be remembered as the guy who died by traveling through time after he ate a hayburger.”

“What’s wrong with that?” I asked.

Arcane used his magic to levitate an apple of a shelf and began eating it. “Because,” he said in between bites, “the ponies of the Canterlot are generally idiots who take inferences from the smallest of things.”

“Fair point. But really, how would they know that you died thanks to time travel?”

“Coroners. They know everything.”

I gave a noncommittal grunt. “Maybe you’re right. Really though, why would you care if the ponies of Canterlot find out you ate a hayburger before you died?”

“Ponies think they’re unhealthy.”

“Are they?”

“Probably,” Arcane admitted, “but that doesn’t mean I want them to be the subject of the headlines.” He headed over to his closet and started pulling things out. “So, tour guide of time, when are we going and where?”

“Why do you care?” I asked.

“Because,” he said, “if we’re traveling through time, we’re going to want to be able to fit in.”

“Why?”

Arcane rolled his eyes. “Genius, we’ve got to avoid upsetting the universe’s bonds and things like that. If we don’t fit in, we could end up screwing things up.”

“But didn’t Riptide say that you can’t actually mess up history?”

“Look,” Arcane said, “do you really trust Riptide all that much? I mean, he was a malevolent water demon whom you summoned in an attempt to give you information. It’s not like he wouldn’t trick you in order to get you into trouble. So, my reasoning is that, with these disguises, we’ll be able to go in time to observe and we won’t do anything extremely horrible. You get to use your spell, I get to stay alive, and Celestia doesn’t get to find out. It’s a win-win scenario.”

I thought about it for a moment, then grinned. “You know, you’re right. So, what outfits do you have, out of curiosity?”

Arcane shrugged. “Lots. Just name where we’re going and I’ve got the outfit.” He patted the saddlebag at his side. “The best part is that it all fits into this little saddlebag here.”

“Why? Are all the clothes made for breezies?”

“No, because it’s got an enchantment on it. It has no depth perception.”

“Can’t argue with that,” I admitted. “So, grab the clothes that they wore before the tribes were united.”

“What?” Arcane shrieked. “I refuse to head to that time period. What happens if we end up in earth pony territory? They would throw us in a dungeon or something! The pegasi would simply execute us, and the unicorns would probably interrogate us or something.”

“Arcane,” I said, patting him on the back, “don’t you know that the history books are never accurate? There’s always something that the historians messed up. They get paid to accentuate the negative, so of course the books would say that times were bad back then. You shouldn’t trust everything you read, after all.”

“Says the unicorn that took advice from a book given to him by an evil kelpie,” Arcane muttered as he reached into his bag. He tossed me a long cloak, which I proceeded to put on, and he put one on as well. “So, I’m assuming, once again, that there’s no chance of convincing you otherwise?”

“Look, you knew what you were getting into when I started paying you; this is the wrong time to be getting cold feet.”

“Fine.” Arcane grabbed the spell parchment from the table with his telekinesis and held it in front of his face.

“You ready?”

“No, but you’re making me go through with this either way.”

“True, I suppose. Well, do you think you’ll be able to cast the spell?” Arcane nodded. Our horns flared, and the present was swept away in a spiral of green and red. Stupid holiday- related magic. Holidays, you could never escape them.

When the world rematerialized around us, the first thing I noticed was just how cold it was around us. The biting wind and the falling snow made seeing a pain as well. Arcane had somehow ended up under a large pile of snow, and I had to help drag him out. He brushed snow off his cloak with his hoof and gave our surroundings a long look. “We’re not in Equestria, are we?”

“Who knows?,” I said. “Come one, we better get walking. We came here for research; I’m not going to stand round in the snow when I have the chance of a lifetime.”

“You’re a genius who knows how to travel through time, yet you can’t figure out how to travel by anything other than walking.”

“Look,” I said. “Let’s just explore and see where we are, and when we get home, I’ll figure out a spell that gives ponies wings. I’ll make them faery wings as well, just for you.”

“I’ll pass,” he muttered as he began to trudge through the snow. “So, you really don’t have any idea as to where we are?”

“Not in the whole wide world,” I said happily as I began to walk beside him. “I know when we are, which is always a plus.”

“Only you could say that with a straight face.”

“Ah, c’mon,” I said., “if worse comes to worst, I’ll just send us forward in time, no problem. Nothing bad is going to happen to us.”

“As I said thousands of years in the future: ‘you’re the guy who trusts a water demon.’”

“Get over it.” Arcane muttered some more, but he kept his dissent to himself. As we walked, not much came into view. The blizzard obscured most of the land, and Arcane probably didn’t see much, as he had his eyes on the ground the whole time.

After about ten more minutes, Arcane decided to vent. “Nothing’s here, Starswirl! When did you send us to, the frozen north after the ponies left?”

“Shhh,” I whispered. “You never know who might be listening. And I sent us to when they defeat the windigoes. It should happen any minute now.”

“Nothing is going to happen,” Arcane hissed. “No windigoes, no magic, no blizzard- ending properties. That’s not going to happen right now, simply because you screwed up. We’re obviously not in the correct time period, and you need to face that.”

I shook my head. “I did my calculations. I sent us to the correct year...” I trailed off as I ran some more numbers through my head.

“What? What?” Arcane shrieked. “What did you do this time?”

“Well,” I said, more than a little embarrassed. “I might have sent us to the wrong decade. I forgot to factor in the fact that the calendar changed a few years back, so I forgot all of those extra days that we had to shave off. Don’t worry, we’re probably just about five years before the windigoes get defeated.”

“Then send us home,” Arcane hissed. “You know what they’ve said about this point in history. What happens if we run into an earth pony city or Terra itself? We’d be dead as a doornail.”

“No,” I said firmly as I scanned the landscape for something. “I came here to see what happened, and this is the perfect chance to see it. We’ll just go and find a village or city that could make use of our magical talents. We can’t be that far from a unicorn settlement. Besides, I told you, history is always an exaggeration.”

“And you would know that for what reason?”

“Geography,” I said happily, walking off in the direction that I hoped was north. “I specified that we would be sent to the same place as Clover the Clever was in the time we were in, so we’re probably about ten or twenty miles away from where he is.”

“And why not exactly where he is?” Arcane asked as he rushed to keep up with me.

“Well,” I admitted, “I also forgot to take into account the fact that they stopped using the metric system when Celestia took over. In this time period, they use meters and centimeters and the like instead of feet.”

Arcane’s mane burst into flames, melting the nearby snow for a few seconds. “Starswirl!” he roared, “from now on, I am going to choose our destination.”

“Alright, alright. Next time, you can choose where we go in history. Happy?”

“No!”

“Is there a problem?” a voice asked. The pair of us whipped around to see a unicorn standing behind us. He wore a long cloak that looked cozier than mine, and he had a semi-decent helmet on his head. “Why are you two arguing?”

Arcane gave the unicorn a nervous glance. “Um, no reason?”

The unicorn raised an eyebrow. “Two ponies of the same race, having an argument in the freezing cold? I doubt that such a situation warrant’s ‘no reason.’”

“Well…” I admitted, “we were sort of arguing about…” I paused, trying to think of something to say.

“Yeah,” the unicorn said, “you’re going to have to come with me.”

“Who are you exactly?” Arcane asked suspiciously. “How do you have the right to drag us places?”

“Basically,” the unicorn said calmly, “I’m that one guy who has the right to detain your for hours on end if you don’t obey my orders.”

“No, really,” I asked, “who are you?”

“The name is Copper. Now come willingly, or I’ll knock you out and drag you to the castle.”

“Well,” Arcane hissed, “I doubt you could--”

I placed my hoof over his mouth. “We’ll come.” Arcane glared at me, but I kept my hoof over his mouth. Copper nodded and we began to follow him.

“So. Let me get this straight,” Queen Brass said. Copper had dragged us straight into the throne room, where we had been greeted by Queen Brass, a thin, orange mare with a crown one size too large on her head. “Copper, you found these two arguing out on the roof?” Copper nodded, and she continued. “I don’t whether I should be more amazed over the fact that you were on the roof or the fact that they were.”

Copper shrugged. “I actually had a reason to be on the roof.”

“And what was that, pray tell?”

“Figuring out what they were doing on the roof.”

Queen Brass gave that a thought, and then turned to Arcane and meI. “And what were you two doing on the roof?”

“Investigation,” I said lamely.

“Arguing,” Arcane muttered.

“Is that so?”

“Um, yeah?”

“And what were you two investigating on my roof, out of curiosity?” the queen asked.

“Technically,” I said, “we didn’t know it was your roof. We didn’t even know it was a roof at all. We got lost.”

“That doesn’t answer my question,” Brass pointed out. “You’re trying to avoid the question here, which isn’t something that will keep you out of my dungeon.”

“You have a dungeon?” Arcane squeaked. “But all the sources say that you don’t have a dungeon, and my friend here,” --he jabbed me--, “said that those sources were--”

“My husband built it on a whim,” she said with a sigh. “It’s embarrassing. He basically felt that a dungeon would be a worthwhile investment for when we ended up capturing a dragon. It was a stupid reason, but it didn’t stop him from doing it.”

Arcane opened his mouth to ask something and closed it. He then opened it again. “Why does your husband want to catch a dragon?”

“He thinks that the dragons of Mount Sulfur stole a family heirloom of his. He’s planning to catch one and lock it in the dungeon until it tells us where the heirloom is.” I opened my mouth, but she shushed me. “Now, before you ask something else, I’m going to ask some questions of my own. For starters, what were you two investigating on my roof? Second, do you have anywhere you need to be? Third, how skilled are you with magic?”

“We were investigating the land, we don’t have anywhere we really need to be, and we’re both very skilled at magic. Where we come from, we’re some of the best magic users in the area.”

“What do you mean?” Arcane hissed at me. “Of course we have places to be-”

“Ignore him, your majesty. He has no idea what he’s saying.”

The queen smiled slightly. “If you really have nowhere to be, then I don’t think you’d mind staying around here for a while?”

I grinned. “I love the idea of staying for a while. I’ve always wanted to see what life was like here.”

“Would you mind helping me out while you stay? I’m looking for a tutor for my daughter and son, and you two seem capable enough.”

“Why would you hire us? I’m happy to help,” I admitted, “but why would you hire us on the spot?”

“I have a hard time hiring anyone,” she muttered under her breath. “Last interview ended with me setting the prospective tutor’s mane on fire. I’m bad at trying to hire people.”

Arcane raised an eyebrow. “That story sounds interesting.”

“It isn’t. You two are hired, but don’t ask about any past interviews, or I’ll make use of my husband’s dungeon.”

“Fair enough.”

“Good,” Brass said. Copper spluttered and she glanced at him. “Can you show…”

“Arcane and Starswirl.”

“Arcane and Starswirl to their rooms.” Copper saluted and we followed him to the location of our new job.

Arcane glared at me. "Why did you just go along with her?" he hissed.

"Trust me," I whispered. "Her husband liked the dungeon in all the history books. She liked the guillotine."

Author's Note:

I hereby declare that Arcane suffers from serious Stockholm Syndrome.

Comments

[David Silver]

Name: Paradoxical
Genre: Adventure
Grammar: 9/10. I didn't spot anything amiss here. The dense back and forth dialogue that had no names and no actions got a little difficult to read, but I think that's a personal failing on my part.
Characterization: 7/10. I feel Starswirl is a bit more mad sciencey in your story than I'd give him credit for, but he's pretty consistent about it. For what he is, he sticks to his guns and he's ready to bend all the rules FOR SCIENCE!
Plot Consistency: 10/10. Nothing that I've read has contradicted itself.
Use of OCs: 9/10. Simple extra character doesn't feel shoehorned in.
Overall: 35/40. Keep up the great work!