The Baker and The Mailmare

by Eggtaro

You Must Never Say No To Muffins

"Dish moofins ar wamazing!" Derpy said to me, grabbing what would be her tenth muffin. After the sudden crash into my store---and some quick explaining--- both of us are now seated on the floor, with me staring at her gobbling down my second batch of muffins. Boy, she sure loves muffins.

"Please, don't talk with your mouth full." And maybe you can stop spraying my face with muffin bits too. Apparently, Derpy was doing her usual route delivering mails, when suddenly an indescribable aroma caught her nostrils. The scent of my fresh baked blueberry muffins filled her with feelings of--- and I quote--- 'unmeasurable joy and hunger'.

So, just like that, she sniffed out the source of the sweet smelling savoury goodness which belonged to my muffins and crashed into my shop. Chomping down on every muffin she could get her hooves on.

Now, if I was back on Earth, I would ask the person to show some restraint. And ask them to pay for it. But things don't work that way here in the land of the ponies. No. They. Don't. When a pony is hungry, you leave 'em to it. It's not worth it. Trust me. I know.

And I can't possibly ask Derpy to pay for it. I don't really have the heart to do it. She's been up since the crack of dawn, and didn't even have time to grab breakfast, or a snack. She was just hungry. VERY hungry. The smiles that people (and ponies) give me when they have a bite of my bread and pastries is payment enough for me.

Of course, that would be a bad idea since smiles won't pay rent, nor can it be used to support my life. I still need to make a living. Maybe I should charge her for just one muffin. Yeah. Just one.

"Thank you so much, Saucy!" Derpy cried out suddenly, freaking the heck out of me. Wait, why is she smiling at me? And why is she getting closer? Oh no. Has she been intoxicated by my awesome muffins that she now sees me as a muffin? Is she planning to eat me?

"Ooof!" Nope. Derpy just wanted to hug me. Or crush my ribs. Ponies here are no weaklings. They are insanely strong. Man, when I first got here, I almost got murdered by one of them. Mistaking me for some sort of evil creature, Applejack suddenly came running at me and gave me a stomach full of hooves. Hooves which had been trained to buck trees for a very long time.

I was sent hurtling through the air, almost crashing into one of her apple trees. If it wasn't for Sparkle's intervention. I would've been living in Heaven right about now.

I wonder if Equestria has a Heav---

"Helloooo! Are you there Saucy?"

"Wha---?" Derpy was still hugging me, and she was currently staring confusedly at me (Well, it's pretty hard to tell with her). "Sorry, Derpy. I was...lost for a moment." Her grip is like freaking steel. "What were you saying again?"

Derpy let go of me, (Thank you!) "I said thank you for the muffins." she said. How polite.

"Not a problem. It's just muffins."

She gasped in horror. Did I say something wrong?

"Just. Muffins?" Did I offend her? She prodded my chest with a hoof, glaring at me (I think).

"Never say that again." Her tone almost sounded threatening. "Muffins are never just muffins. They are the greatest food ever to be created. Muffins can bring joy, laughter, and happiness to those who yearns for them."

Love muffins? More like obsessed. Is there some muffin cult which I'm currently not aware about? Maybe the Cakes will know, perhaps even Pinkie.

"Err... got it, Derpy. Muffins are awesome."

She nodded in a satisfied way and smiled at me. "Muffins are the best."

Yes, Derpy. You have only been saying that for like a million times already. I get it. I nodded in agreement, not wanting to offend her precious muffins.

Still...that being said, both batches of my blueberry muffins are gone. Just how hungry was she? When was the last time she actually sat down to eat? Judging by the way she was eating my muffins just now, it would seem that she hasn't been eating regularly, maybe not even daily.

Meh, that's not really any of my business. But...

"Derpy, how many meals you have a day?" I asked her, out of curiosity.

She lifted a hoof. "One." she said casually.

My jaw dropped. Obviously. "You eat one meal a day? Everyday?"

She nodded, cocking her head to one side. "Is something wrong?"

Is something wrong? Of course it is! Eating one meal a day is unhealthy. A healthy person (pony, if you're from here) must eat at least three meals a day. The proper course will go like this: Breakfast, Second Breakfa---

Sorry, sorry. (Again, only humans would know.) Here, let me do it properly this time. Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner. This is the way humans has been doing it on Earth, and there really isn't that much of a difference here in Equestria. Ponies eat their breakfast in the morning, grab lunch when it's noon, and prepare dinner when the sun goes down.

But Derpy says she only eats ONE meal a day. And I'm pretty sure it isn't breakfast.

"Derpy, why are you eating only one time a day?"

"I'm a busy mare, Saucy."

"Isn't your job just delivering mails?"

"It isn't my only job."

Oh. My. Glob.

I've seen Derpy a few times before here in Ponyville. She wasn't exactly hard to miss. Back when I was staying with Applejack, I would take daily morning walks around Ponyville. You'll be surprised by how good and tasty the air is here. And there is that feeling of peacefulness that just cannot be compared.

Anyway, I've seen Derpy delivering mail during my walks. I see her hovering from door to door, sliding mails into mailboxes or under doors. She always carried with her this huge bag which was stuffed full of envelopes and parcels. Just like the one currently in my shop.

We never really spoke much, often only greeting each other by name. She wasn't even scared when she first met me. All Derpy did was give me a cherry wave and smile which I failed to return to her. To be honest, besides seeing her from my morning walks, that's all I know about her. Derpy Hooves the mailmare. Derpy Hooves the different. Derpy Hooves the muffin lover.

The last one sounds so wrong.

"You mean being a mailmare isn't your only job?"

She nodded.

That's it? Just a nod?

I opened my mouth, but was immediately interrupted by her. "Oh my Celestia! Look at the time! I've been here way too long!"

I stared at my clock, an hour has passed since the muffin thief incident. Derpy started frantically packing her things. Stuffing every envelope, every parcel into her mailbag. I gave her a helping ho--- err... hand.

"Thanks!" she said to me, smiling. She loves smiling too, doesn't she?

"Will you be alright?" I am rather concerned of her eating habits.

"After those life-saving muffins? I'll be great!"

Ha! You hear that? My muffins are life-savers now. Gotta add that to my list of 'Why my muffins are awesome' list.

She turned to go, wiping off the leftover crumbs that were stuck on her muzzle with a hoof. I watched her spread out her wings while she gave them a quick once-over. Pegasus wings are extremely delicate, and hard to maintain. According to Fluttershy, pegasus wings are almost as important as the pegasus itself. Their wings define them. It shows the world who they are.

Wish I had wings too. Buffalo wings, that is. But no. Meat is the one thing you can't get in Ponyville in bulk. You can find plenty of them in the Griffin Empire though. Maybe I'll go there someday, when I have the bits.

"Thanks for the muffins again, Saucy!" Derpy said, waving a hoof at me.

"No problem. Glad my muffins could be of service."

She giggled, flapping her wings. "See you around!"

And just like that, she was out the door, and back in the skies.

Author's Note:

Hello. A new episode is coming out in about an hour right? Can't wait! Anyway, here is the next chapter! Hope you folks will enjoy this story. Never really used in any of my stories before.

That said, thanks for reading, and hope you stay tuned for more!

P.S. Special Thanks to the wonderful docontra for taking the time to point out my mistakes and errors! The help I've gotten was extremely helpful and educational!

Comments

[Tanussy]

Flawless as always, or at least I think its flawless. Well it is to me

[Fancy Fox]

Ill be honest, I'm here because of the cover art
I'm kinda ashamed...
Oh well time to get reading

[ThePinkDerpFace]

"Isn't your job just delivering mails?"

"It isn't my only job."

Oh. My. Glob.

Did you realize oh my glob is a real meme. I didn't. I litteraly found out about five seconds ago.
th01.deviantart.net/fs70/PRE/i/2012/076/1/2/oh_my_glob__by_tsubasaangel-d4t0g68.jpg