Tywin Lannister goes to Equestria!

by theanonymousbrony

Spike Lannister

It's only been one day after Tywin Lannister's promotion to Lord Regent of Ponyville, and yet Spike already feels like a new dragon. He was having a stroll around Ponyville to take care of an errand for his new father. Normally, whenever Spike has to go on errands, he'd have to put up with the scornful, condenscending looks that most of the towns ponies would give him whenever he passes by. But ever since he became Spike Lannister, nopony would dare to deny him so much as a simple "good morning".

He tred onward while also returning his courtesies to anypony who greets him; a bit of him sort of knew that they're only being polite to him out of fear over his father, but as long as they were acknowledging his existence Spike had no reason to complain. After much walking, Spike finally arrive to his destination: Quills and Sofas. Of all the stores in Ponyville, this is one that Spike dreaded the most. Everytime he comes to buy more quills for Twilight, he'd always have to put up with the unreasonable store owner who constantly tries to upsell him with a sofa. Like all the other ponies in Ponyville, the store owner was not afraid to bully the little dragon into getting his way (he never even bothers to refer to Spike by his true name, but rather his mocking nickname, "Junior"). Every visit to that store would end in Spike bringing home a sofa and then receiving a scolding from Twilight for his meekness.

But now that he's the legitamite son of Ponyville's new Lord Regent, he's now able to have gain a new found confidence in himself to not allow this old history to repeat itself. Before Spike even approached the door, he saw the town inventor walking out with a sofa and three crates of quills. Upon seeing the little dragon, the inventor quickly held the door open and said, "Good day Spike, after you."

"Thank you Dr. Hooves."

With that said, Spike wasted no time in entering the little Hell-hole known as Quills and Sofas. He found himself being surrounded by sofas everywhere; after years of constantly being swindled into buying one of these things, Spike always like to imagine himself one day burning all of these so that way the store can just be called Quills. It wasn't too long for Spike to be greeted by the very con-artist who runs this store.

"Well, if it isn't my favorite customer." Spike knew that he really meant "sucker". The store owner is an earth pony with light brown fur and dark brown hair (kind of like Dr. Hooves, but while his hair is spikey, the store owner's hair looked gelled in a busniess like fashion while also donning a white collar shirt with a blue vest).

After placing a bag full of two hundred bits on the counter, Spike said, "I'd like to buy a year's worth of quills." it wasn't even ten seconds before Spike saw the owner bring in a big green sofa with a crate full of quills on top. "Uh...what is this?"

"That's the sofa you just purchased," the store owner lied.

"I never bought any sofa, I just asked for some quills."

"Oh yes you did, you just don't remember."

Seeing that smug look on that pony's face was already pissing the little dragon off; so Spike decided to not even bother trying to be subtle in his refusal. "Now see here you fleecer, you've been pulling this kind of stunt over me since I first came here and I'm getting sick of it! So here's what's going to happen: from now on, when I come to buy more quills, you won't ever try to upsell me into buying another one of your bucking sofas! In fact, as of today, you can just take that sofa you just brought in and shove it right up your flank!"

"You watch your mouth you little scaley brat!" the store owner shouted with venom. "You think I'm going to take this sort of insolence from a little punk like you?! I'm the one who runs this store, so you can either buy that sofa or you can hightail back to Princess Twilight, Junior!"

"That's Spike Lannister to you, bub! And I don't serve Twilight Sparkle anymore! In case you haven't heard, Tywin Lannister now runs Ponyville as Lord Regent."

The mention of that name caused the store owner to sink down behind the counter. "You mean that same guy that everypony wanted to evict from Ponyville?!"

"That's right," said Spike. "Only he's not gonna go anywhere; he gets to rule this town with Princess Twilight's authority while she just sits back and watch. And guess who just became Lord Tywin's new son." that's when he pulled out his adoption paper for the already defeated store owner to see. "Yep, you're now talking to a Lord's son now. And if I were to go tell my dad that you've refused to give me what I want, then he'll have me send a letter to Princess Celestia that says that you've been mocking her behind her back, and then she might send some guards over to arrest you and maybe let someone more loyal to her run this place. Now are you gonna be a good gentlecolt and respect your customer, or does my dad have to run you out of business?"

With the speed of Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash combined, the store owner had already got rid of the sofa helped push the crate of quills to the door for Spike. "There you go Ju--I mean Spike! It's always a pleasure to do business with you! In fact, take the money; it's on me!"

As he held out the bag of bits to Spike, the little dragon couldn't help but smirk upon the nervous grin that was on the pony's face. He grabbed the bag while saying, "Thank you." and as he left, he walked past another sofa and dragged one of his claws across the cushions as a way of telling that swindler "Fuck you!"

If Spike were to ever once use his connection to Twilight Sparkle as a means to getting his way just now, she'd probably smack him on the head and give him a barrage of angry glares, no doubt. But since Tywin Lannister pretty much wants Spike to take advantage of his new status rank, he won't have to worry about anymore headaches. As he was pushing the crate full of quills, Spike just happened to have pass by the burnt remains of town hall. He wondered a little why Tywin never bothered to have it rebuild, but he just assumed that leaving ruined buildings is just a habit of his. Spike was just about to pass by Carousel Boutique, but then he stopped when he heard two familiar voices.

"Yeah, that's it Rarity. Laver, rinse, repeat." the first voice said in a sultry tone.

"Hey Clover, when do I get a turn?" asked the second voice.

"Not until I've cum; and seeing as how I'm watching the hottest mare in Ponyville bathing, that shouldn't take too long."

"Oh come on Clover, it's bad enough that I'm having to stare at your stallionhood but even I don't want to get covered in your semen!"

"Just hold still and you won't get any on you!"

Spike finally lifted himself to the top of the crate and he saw Lucky Clover standing on top of Caramel like a ladder while he's looking into a window and having one of his hooves rub a certain part of his body. Feeling that the two stallions are trying to do something perverted towards Rarity again, Spike quickly shouted, "Hey you two!"

That sudden outburst caused Caramel to panick and next thing you know, he and Lucky Clover had fallen flat on their backs. As they were both groaning in pain, Lucky Clover slowly got up and said, "All right, who's the motherbucker that just..." he and Caramel had both frozen into place upon seeing the little dragon glaring at them. "Uh...hey Spike, buddy. How are you doing?"

"What are you two doing here?" Spike interrogated them.

"Well, uh...weren't doing anything bad," Clover said nervously. "Right, Caramel?"

"Oh yeah, I mean it's not like we were watching Rarity take a shower awhile ago." Caramel felt his head getting smacked by a hoof.

"Shut up, Caramel!" Clover hissed at him. "Did you forget that psychotic old dude is that dragon's father!"

"You know, I could've sworn that my father forbid you two from ever coming anywhere near Rarity or her home," Spike reminded them. "If that's the case then I guess I should tell him to come here and maybe bring his guards with him. (And they both have weapons now, and I bet that they would love to test them out.)"

Lucky Clover and Caramel were immediately grovelling before Spike as they were both pleading, "Please don't tell him! We'll do anything you tell us!"

"Anything?"

...

Five minutes later, Spike was relaxing on top of the crate with the bag of bits by his side, while Caramel and Lucky Clover were both carrying it towards the castle on their backs. The second they got inside, Spike told them, "OK, you can just drop it right here." as soon they put it down, they both began to let out moans over the back pains they just received. After jumping off the crate, Spike had one last thing to say to them. "Now you two just behave yourselves from now on, and then next time you won't have to do any of this. OK? Good, now get lost."

By the time the two stallions were gone, Spike was already shoving the crate through the vast hallway when he heard somepony say, "Howdy Spike!"

He stopped what he was doing so he could get a good look at the same three fillies who tried to assassinate Tywin Lannister nine months ago. "Oh, hey girls. What brings you here?"

"We're here to be your dad's new cupbearers, of course." Scootaloo told him.

"Lord Tywin is yer dad now, right?" asked Apple Bloom.

"Yep, he's my dad, all right," Spike answered. "I'm taking this crate over to his room, you can all follow me if you like."

Just as he was about to go back to pushing, Sweetie Belle placed her hoof in front of him and said, "Here, let me help you." her horn glowed lime green as she tried to lift the crate up with her magical force. She was only able to lift it up half a centimeter before she ran out of breath. "I thought carrying things with magic would be easy!"

Spike couldn't help but chuckle at her cute innocence. "Why don't we all push this thing together?" he offered.

"All right," Sweetie Belle accepted.

...

It took the four of them three minutes to push the crate all the way to Tywin's chambers. Standing next to the door were Tywin's newly knighted guards, Ser Iron Will and Ser Bulk Biceps (of course, everypony would probably refer to them as "Sir" rather than how Tywin says it). Ser Iron Will held a spear with one hand, a sword--which to his height would look like a dagger--around his waist, and a large battle axe behind his back. Ser Bulk Biceps also held a spear, but the only other weapons he possessed were two dual swords behind his back.

"What's in the box?" Ser Iron Will asked.

"Quills for my father," Spike told him.

After taking a quick peek into the crate, Ser Iron Will picked it up and brought it into Tywin's chambers. While Ser Iron Will was taking all the quills out, Tywin turned and noticed that Spike still had the bag of bits. "You still have the bits I gave you," Tywin pointed out.

"Oh, that's because the store owner was kind enough to give those quills for free," his dragon son told him.

As Spike held out the bag for his father, Tywin decided, "Keep them; you've earned them."

"Oh, well thank you Dad."

Tywin then decided to acknowledge the presence of his new cupbearers. "I see that you've escorted my new cupbearers, as well."

Apple Bloom was the one who made the introduction. "Yes sir, we're the Cutie Mark Crusaders, and we're here ta serve!"

"Good, you can start by bringing me some water."

The three crusaders bolted out the door, but soon came back as Scootaloo asked, "Uh...where is the kitchen?"

"Ser Biceps," Tywin commanded. "Show these three to the kitchen."

"Will do my lord!" Ser Biceps shouted. "Let's go my little ponies!"

After their little escort, the Cutie Mark Crusaders wasted no time in filling up a goblet with some water. But before they were about to bring it to the Lord Regent, Apple Bloom pulled out a vial from out of her red mane. "Uh, Apple Bloom, where did you get that?" Scootaloo inquired.

"Oh I just borrowed this from Zecora," Apple Bloom explained.

After pulling the cork out with her teeth, Apple Bloom dipped one drop into the water. "Apple Bloom, what are you planning?" Sweetie Belle wondered.

"Oh, I'm just gonna see if this'll poison Lord Tywin."

"POI...!" Apple Bloom shoved her hoof into Sweetie Belle's muzzle before anyone else could hear her outburst. "Apple Bloom, didn't you forget what happened the last time we tried to kill him?!"

"Of course not," Apple Bloom assured her. "I didn't ferget how our last attempt failed. But I figured since we couldn't kill him from the outside, then maybe we might be able ta kill from the inside. Now you two just pipe down and help me bring this ta his room."

Tywin and Spike Lannister were both sitting near the dinner table when the Cutie Mark Crusaders came in with a tray being balanced by each of their muzzles. The second it was placed on the table, Tywin lifted the goblet to his lips and drank every last drop of the water. It was only ten seconds when everyone started to hear a strange gurgle sound.

"Uh, Dad, was that you?" Spike asked.

"That's strange," Tywin admitted. "I seem to have this unusual feeling in my stomach." the sound started to grow louder as Tywin was clenching his stomach and sweating bullets. "Seven Hells, I need to go to the privy at once!"

He practically knocked the door down when he rushed off towards the privy. Spike decided to follow after him, while the crusaders followed him to see if the poison had any effect. By the time they all got close to it, each of them heard a loud, wet, disgusting noise unlike any other. When Tywin finally got out, he was immediately stopped by Spike who went and saw that his mess was still there.

"Oh no, no, no!" Spike cried. "Dad, you can't just keep leaving the toilet like this!"

"What do you expect me to do with this chamber pot?" Tywin asked.

"Just flush it," Spike pushed down the toilet handle and allowed the water to take the mess away with it.

The site of this left Tywin utterly amazed. "You mean you just dispose your own leavings whenever you want?"

"Yes," Spike explained. "And after you do that, you take some of this toilet paper and clean yourself afterwards."

So that's what they were for. Tywin thought to himself until he felt another feeling building up in his stomach. "Spike, wait for me in your room; I have some experimenting I must do."

While Tywin Lannister was conducting his experiments with the toilet, Spike had taken the Cutie Mark Crusaders to his room. Lying on his bed was Tytan. The sight of the lion made each of the crusaders become nervous, especially when Spike called him over. Afer letting out a growling yawn, Tytan got off the bed and positioned himself for the little dragon to pet him.

"Hey Tytan, did you miss me while I was gone?" Spike scratched behind the lion's ear, which resulted in the beast letting out a relaxed rumble in its throat. Spike looked back and saw that the crusaders were still cowering behind the door. "Come on girls, you don't have to be scared of Tytan."

"B-b-but he's a l-l-lion!" Sweetie Belle squeaked fearfully.

Spike went and grabbed her by the hoof as he led her to Tywin's pet. Sweetie's little heart was practically about to burst out as she got closer to the lion. "Just pet him, Sweetie; he won't bite." Spike assured her. She cautsiously placed her hoof upon Tytan's forehead and she slowly stroked it. The touch of his fur made Sweetie relax a little. "He likes it when you scratch behind his ear." doing what Spike said, Sweetie scratched Tytan's soft spot and it made him nuzzle next to her.

"You know, he's not very scary when you get use to him." Sweetie Belle declared.

"You see, Tytan's not so bad." said Spike.

Scootaloo and Apple Bloom were both becoming a bit braver upon seeing this. As soon as they were close, Tytan lift up his head and gave Scootaloo's face a big lick. "Ugh, his breath smells like garbage!" Scootaloo complained.

"That's because he eats nothing but raw meat," Spike told her. "Besides, this is just his way of saying he likes you."

"Maybe it's because he thinks she tastes like chicken," Apple Bloom joked.

While they were laughing, Scootaloo just pouted and told her, "You know, those chicken jokes are really starting to get old."

"Not ta me!" Apple Bloom exclaimed.

Scootaloo then chased Apple Bloom out of the room, and it was now only Spike and Sweetie Belle who were left. While Tytan decided to nap near a corner, Spike and Sweetie decided to relax on the bed. After a long silence, Sweetie Belle finally broke it. "Spike...you know, the girls and I never got to thank you for saving us."

"Saving you from what?" Spike forgot.

"From getting locked in a dungeon, of course."

"Oh yeah, it's been awhile since that happened. We never get to spend much time together, do we?"

"No, we definitely don't hang out a lot, as always. I kinda miss having you brush my mane for me, sometimes."

"Really?"

"Yeah. When I try doing it by myself, I always end up making it worse, Rarity never gets to have any time to do it for me, but you always seem to spare enough time for me."

"Yep, I guess helping ponies seems to be the only thing anypony remembers about me."

Sweetie noticed a hint of sadness when Spike said that. "Spike, I know that everypony tends to take everything you do for granted, but the girls and I really do appreciate the way you stood up for us. You really were our hero that day."

Being called a hero made Spike feel somewhat better inside. "Thanks Sweetie...it feels nice when somepony says 'thank you', doesn't it?"

"It does," Sweetie started to scooch closer to the dragon. "You know, when I told Rarity about what you did, she said that this is how a lady is suppose to thank her hero." she then planted a warm kiss upon his scaley cheek. Spike hadn't felt this warm inside since the last time Rarity had kissed him. When he and Sweetie both looked at eachother, both their cheeks were blushing red and their lips were forming these sort of bashful smiles. "Do you remember that time we danced together during the wedding at Canterlot?" she asked.

"Oh yeah, I think I still have a picture." Spike rushed to a counter as he was looking through an assortment of junk, until he found a picture of him and Sweetie Belle dancing together.

As they were both reminiscing over that sweet moment, Sweetie Belle made a comment. "I always thought that you look handsome in a tux."

Feeling his cheeks burn from that compliment, Spike decided to flatter her as well. "And I thought that you looked very pretty for a flower girl."

That caused her to giggle, which in turn resulted in him to chuckle with her. They both just stared at eachother while feeling as if they were getting closer, that is until Tywin Lannister finally showed up. "If you're done flirting with that cupbearer, I would like you to come to the council chamber with me."

"Oh, of course, Dad," Spike said as he got off the bed and went to his father. Before they were gone, Spike looked back at Sweetie Belle. "See ya, Sweetie Belle."

"You too, Spike."

As she was leaving his room, Sweetie looked back to when she had just kissed him awhile ago. I can't believe I just kissed my sister's admirer, she thought to herself. But suddenly, her eardrums were being pounded by, "Sweetie loves Spike!"

Both her friends were laughing and mocking at how they saw Sweetie kissing Spike. "Oh knock it off, you two!" Sweetie shouted. "I was just thanking Spike for saving us; besides, my heart will always belong to Button Mash."

"Is that so," Scootaloo doubted. "You sure that you still want some videogame geek over a dragon boy?"

"Hey, I don't ever make a big deal over your crush for Rumble, do I?"

"You promised to keep that a secret!"

Now it was Apple Bloom who's the only one laughing. "Well, well, well, I never thought I'd ever see the day when you, Scootaloo, start fallin' fer some colt!"

"It's not my fault that airhead has a cute flank!"

While Tywin and Spike were making their way towards the council chamber, everything was silent but the sound of their footsteps echoing over the halls. Spike looked up at his father and felt like saying something. "Dad, why did you want the Cutie Mark Crusaders to be your cupbearers?"

Tywin's eyes slid at his dragon son when he said, "The truth is I just needed those three to be my wards. Do you know what that is?"

"Sort of. It's a term for a very important guest, right?"

"Close. But it's really a more polite way of saying hostage."

That last word took Spike a little off guard. "I know they tried to kill you, Dad, but do you really..."

"No, no, that's not the reason why, Spike." Tywin clarified. "It's because I need leverage over Twilight Sparkle's strongest supporters."

"What do you mean?"

"If Twilight Sparkle were to one day lead a rebellion against me, she will need the help of some of her strongest allies. Applejack seems to have a strong passion for protecting those she loves, Rainbow Dash has a warrior spirit, and Rarity had shown that even she will fight if push comes to shove. However, if I keep the ones that those three truly care the most, then none of them would dare rise against me."

"Why's that?"

"Because if they do, I would have to kill my wards."

Spike felt as if a dagger had been shoved into his heart. The idea that his new father might have to kill three fillies that he considers to be some of the only true friends he has made him feel sick inside. I just better pray that Twilight or any of them doesn't try anything stupid! As they were getting closer to the council chamber, Spike had time for one more question. "If Applejack, Rainbow Dash, and Rarity are going to be threats to you, then how do you plan on keeping Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie in line?"

"I don't have too; Fluttershy's too timid to bother speaking out against me, and as for Pinkie Pie...it's just safe to assume that she's an idiot." with that said, the two of them finally entered the council chamber.

Twilight looked at her former advisor with contempt while her friends looked as if Winter had arrived early. "Good evening, Twilight Sparkle." Tywin greeted her.

"Hello Tywin," Twilight said with some restrained anger.

"Now Twilight, show some respect for your new Lord Regent." Spike corrected her while also sitting on his throne.

Twilight Sparkle grinded her teeth over the fact that she's being reminded how to behave (by a kid, no less). She turned to Tywin and said, "My apologies, Lord Tywin."

"Apologies accepted," said Tywin. "Now then, any news I should be concerned over?"

"Well the Cutie Map doesn't seem to be acting up right now," Twilight pointed out. "So I guess we can just call it a day."

Before any of them got off their thrones, beams of light started to form into their Cutie Marks and then it was hovering over a section of the map. Applejack then rose up and cried, "Hey, it's pointin' over Canter Creek; that's where my greatuncle Chili Pepper lives!"

Comments

[flyingtigers40]

Thank goodness that the story is on a roll now. It was getting kinda boring waiting for new chapters

[OP Omni God-Emperor Doom]

What the actual f*ck is wrong with the CMC!? Are they both psychotic or sociopathic?

It doesn't matter if Tywin is somewhat immortal. It's still messed up for these three actual foals to attempt murder of all things with no moral compass!?

These ponies in your stories seem more psychotic, sociopathic, hypocritical, racist/xenophobic pricks, and THEY "preach friendship and magic"!!!!????

[OP Omni God-Emperor Doom]

"It's not my fault that airhead has a cute flank!"

I don't get girls over obsession with guy's butts!?

[OP Omni God-Emperor Doom]

Spike felt as if a dagger had been shoved into his heart. The idea that his new father might have to kill three fillies that he considers to be some of the only true friends he has made him feel sick inside. I just better pray that Twilight or any of them doesn't try anything stupid ! As they were getting closer to the council chamber, Spike had time for one more question. "If Applejack, Rainbow Dash, and Rarity are going to be threats to you, then how do you plan on keeping Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie in line?"

He still has no remorse or hesitation of burning some innocent ponies trapped at that mayor hall building, even if it was all a elaborate plan to frame Twilight? Just saying.

"I don't have too; Fluttershy's too timid to bother speaking out against me, and as for Pinkie Pie...it's just safe to assume that she's an idiot." with that said, the two of them finally entered the council chamber.

You haven't seen Fluttershy's "stare". Then again, I doubt it will work. Considering how cold hearted and ruthless you are.