There it was again, that sound. Discord glanced left towards the sound, towards the Everfree forest. “No,” he muttered under his breath, “it couldn’t be.” Thump-thump-thump-thump came the rapid beat once again. “No...” It echoed again like the chorus of the damned. “But yet...” He stood up, leaving behind his gilded throne. Bathed in the warmth of his artificial sun, a beacon of light and light in an otherwise shadowy wasteland, he took a step towards the Everfree forest. The drumbeat-like sound only got stronger. “Metus... You’re supposed to be dead.”
“-And so then the chocolate rain ran out and I had to find other sources of chocolate, so I was wondering if you gimmie my own chocolate rain cloud?” Pinkie finished, shooting Discord a smile larger than any smile should logically be.
Discord snapped his focus back to Pinkie, his pet Element of Harmony. Her bright pink coat and slightly darker pink mane made her look like cotton candy given life, and it also made her look like a naturally-born denizen of the chaos of which Discord lorded over. With a snap of his fingers, a pink cloud of cotton candy magicked into existence above Pinkie, proceeding to drench her in a chocolate rain. “Knock yourself out, kid.”
All around the two of them stood the Capital of Chaos: Ponyville. Once a pointless backwater settlement of the edge of the Everfree, Discord had since turned it into his capital. The horizon, though, was always slightly blurred by the translucent shield which protected the Ponyville region from harm. He glanced down to the black-and-purple checkerboard pattern that passed itself off as the ground.
Thump-thump-thump-thump. Discord snapped his attention back in he direction of the forest. With a snap of his talons, he found himself at the edge of the forest, right where his shield ended. This far out of the city proper, the grass was green, and lush. “Metus, Metus, Metus, wherefore art thou?”
“Well, well, well, look what we have here,” a voice from behind Discord said, prompting the draconequus to spin around. There, sitting on a fence, was the gangly form of Metus whose painted smile and nigh faceless face stared back at him. Metus shook his head. “And you’re misquoting Shakespeare. Wherefore art thou basically means ‘why are you named as such’. Do your homework before you quote something, dear friend,” he said in a steely tone.
Discord’s eyes narrowed into slits. “You shouldn’t be here. You shouldn’t be able to get past my shields.”
Metus, levitating into the air, chucked. “Did you think you could just kill me, Discord? Did you honestly think that you could savage my soul for all eternity is the abyss of torture and illiteracy? Did you honestly – if even for a second – think you’d never see me again‽”
“That was the idea,” Discord hissed.
“Yes, well, there always was one fundamental problem with you, friend.”
“Oh yeah? And what’s that?”
Metus adjusted his hat. “You were born without a brain.” He put a hand to his breast. “See now, I was given the brains, you were left without,” said Metus, in the tone of one who knows for a fact that he is smarter than anyone else within earshot.
Discord laughed. “So you got lucky and found me again! What of it? I’m still here, and I don’t plan on leaving anytime soon. It was bad enough the Twilight and her Elements turned me into stone back in the other ‘verse, and that’s not gonna happen again here.” He snapped his fingers, conjugating the likenesses of Twilight and her five best friends, all clad in the likeness of sultry tavern wenches.
“Cute,” Metus deadpanned. “But you underestimate me, Discord. See, I didn’t just find you at random. I hunted you down with the help of Nevermore. And now I’ve got you marked for death.”
“Marked for death? Why, if that isn’t the most cliche thing I’ve ever heard.” He snapped his fingers, changing the likenesses of the Twilight and her friends into surly, world-weary waitresses.
“Do you remember what happened to the Fate?”
Discord pulled out a newspaper, flipping to the obituaries. “Yes. She died. The only spirit to ever die. Why?”
Metus tapped two fingers to his temples. “See now, I like a good sport as much as the next pseudo-corporeal and immortal entity. That’s why I’m here, brother. I’m here to warn you that in a few week’s time, this whole world’s going to the doghouse. To quote a few things that I love to read: Vaulting, veering, vomiting up the values that victimized me, feeling vast, feeling virginal... was this how Fate felt? This verve, this vitality... this vision... La voie... la vérité... la vie.” Discord blinked. “Voilà! In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished. However, this valorous visitation of a bygone vexation stands vivified, and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin vanguarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition! The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous.” Metus giggled. “Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose, so let me simply add that it's my very good honour to meet you and you may call me Dein Sterben zu Kommen.”
“Vendetta?” Discord chuckled, pulling out a mug of rubbing alcohol. He brought the wooden mug to his lips; rather than the the liquid being consumed, the wood washed into his mouth like a liquid, leaving the alcohol floating in the air. “That's all you’re gonna do? Taunt me by quoting comic books, you nerd?”
Metus tipped his hat. “She cometh, a caustic spideress. With a wise way with well-wishers, will thy now-weary widow weaponize what is not war but affection and almost an amour.” He shoved his face into Discord’s. “Forever free from fate, fiend, forthcoming now my fire of furious frost, ye foul farce for factual flesh – for fate feels only für fleisch von mir, ye forewarned and finely froschéd fury to face being felled! Discord, die down thine dysfunctional din, this detritus doomed darkly to demise ‘cause your lack of discontinuation doth deem itself dangerously dashing, danceable even – a mere myopic-made misconception at most! ” If Metus had possessed lungs, he would have been panting. “You have no idea for how long I’ve obsessed over saying that.” He glanced towards the forest. “Thou hast seeded the wind, brother,” Metus growled, “and now ye reap the whirlwind.“
Discord held up a paw. “Are you still bent outta shape over that? Oh come on, it was ten thousand years ago.”
Metus hissed. “For you, yes. But now see, you tried to put me in there for the whole of ever. And though I screamed ‘till my soul was numb, I found nothing to read, no books to love, and no one to hear me. Do you know what it’s like to be barred from knowledge or literature for ten thousand Terran years‽”
“So what? You got out, much to my chagrin. And besides, we’re immortal. It’s not like that time’s gonna make any difference.”
“I’ve been free for only four years!” A pause. “Sehnsucht ist so gruasam.”
“I repeat: so?”
“Amendment: we’re immortal but vincible. Just ask Fate.”
“What’s with you and Fate? You hated each other.”
Metus took a deep breath, though it was only for show. “Lass mich loss. Those are the words which I screamed for ten thousand years. So lauf, mein kleiner Speilzeugmann, because I have what I need to be more.”
Discord flicked Metus on the face with a claw, hitting right where his nose would have been if he had possessed one. “Oh, come now, Metus. You always were the weakest and nerdiest of our little family of divine spirits.” He laughed. “You don’t even have a face! You had to get one painted on!”
“Mein Reich komme. Mein Wille geschehe.” Discord puckered his lips into a frown, putting a finger to his bottom lip. “I come to you this day to say that I, Metus, have won.”
“You are not God,” Discord snickered. “Odd, I should be the one getting told that line.” He snapped a finger at Metus. “Quit stealing my thunder!”
Metus shook his head, floating backwards as if performing a backstroke. “I’ve finally trapped you in my own little Xanatos Gambit, brother. No matter how this ends, I win.” Discord cocked a brow. “See, I have charged a chivalrous though currently uncheery champion this day. No matter what happens to this champion, I win. Should this hero perish, I gain this hero’s immortal soul for my devices. Should this champion succeeded, then I... Well, let’s just say that it’ll be like what you did to me, only more painful by a factor your pathetic mind couldn’t even begin to comprehend.”
“Gain a soul?” Discord chuckled. “Don’t make me laugh, only Mors can do that.”
“Brüderlein, if there’s one thing I’ve learned how to do well over the years, it’s how to cheat the system.”
“You don’t scare me,” Discord growled. “You can pretend and bluff and lie as much as you want. But it doesn't change the fact that violence just isn’t in your nature. And you’re not nearly strong enough to do what you’re suggesting.” He shot Metus a smug smile. “So, I’m calling your bluff, little brother.”
“That’s where you’re wrong, Brüderlein-”
“And stop speaking multiple languages!” the draconequus snapped. “We get it, you can speak multiple languages. Speak normal words that we all understand.”
Metus sighed. “Listen here, brother dear, the Metus you know is dead. He was slowly tortured to death in the hell which you called a prank! For you see, brother, that I sacrificed what was left of the old Metus; he who stands before you is merely an amalgam of rage and hatred coming to aid their comrade Knowledge; for you see, I now am more than any one spirit should be.”
“Always the drama queen, eh, Metus?”
“And at the cost of a blood sacrifice, the blood of a divine spirit, and a ferryman's token of a piece of my immortal soul, I am reborn. Fate may be dead, but I have consumed her whole – her hair, her flesh, her eyes, her very soul itself, ingesting them and taking what is rightfully mine: Knowledge of all things, past, present, and the ability to weave the future. When the time is right, Discord, you shall now what it like to me tormented by even your own divine peers for so long; I come not as death but as Metus, the sovereign of knowledge and the weaver of fate. And now, on this day, I come to you to warn you of me so that I can watch you squirm, that I may learn from that which is unpredictable, and teach myself how to manipulate chaos unrepentant.” Metus vanished into the thin air, leaving Discord to his lonesome.
Discord just stood there for three whole minutes, thinking. “No,” he muttered, “that can’t possibly be... A piece of his soul? He’s bluffing, right? Yeah, of course, he’s got to be-”
“Discord!” singsonged Pinkie Pie, bouncing up to him. “Hey, so I ran outta the cloud ‘cause I kinda ate it and-”
***
Step by step, Twilight and Spike slogged through the sullen Everfree forest, the sun only a gleaming memory resting at the back of their minds. Instead of golden droplets of glorious sunshine reigning over the sky, the bone white of the moon stared back as if it were a terrible eye stabbing through an endlessly frozen sea of stars.
Despite the lactic burning in her legs and haunches and the sting of cold air in her breast, Twilight trudged through. All the while, a little voice in the back of Twilight’s skull kept clawing at her saying, “Maybe everypony we know and love is dead or dying”; “Why did your reflection move? Have we gone crazy, Twilight? A crazy pony can’t study the magic of friendship”; or the elephant vying for purchase at the back of her eyes with “What if Nightmare Moon and Discord are alive and well?”
Twilight pushed the thought to the back of her head, yet ever persistent they clawed and scratched, fighting like cats and dogs until she needed to manually force them back once more. Even though the air was moist and there were plenty of fresh water sources, her throat was dried to the point of choking on her spit. With every blink came the lashing of dry eyelids over her bloodshot eyes.
Another step, another burn of lactic acid. Another breath, another sting in her breast. Another thought, another joust with thoughts she wished not to contemplate. Another blink, another dry scratch of her eyes. Another swallow, another battle to the death against her own spittle. And all the while the voices kept gnawing at her.
Her legs grinding to a halt, she screamed, “Shut up!”
Spike, who had been trailing behind her, jolted to a stop. “Woah, woah, woah! I wasn't saying anything!”
“No, not you!” Twilight almost cried. “I can’t think with all these thoughts.”
He continued to stare at Twilight, though he did nothing for her. Gritting his teeth, he watched as she clasped her forehooves around her head, her body shivering, and her face falling to the ground due to lack of forelimb support. Spike swallowed, continuing to stare at Twilight. His tongue seized up in his mouth, refusing to heed his commands.
“It just doesn't make sense, all right‽ I don’t know!” she continued. “I don’t know why the sun hasn’t risen! I don’t know where we are!” She fell completely to the ground. “I don’t know! I can’t answer anything!”
His heart throbbing in his chest, urging him to do something – anything – Spike stood there, staring at Twilight through wide eyes. He moved his right hand as if to offer it to Twilight, only to pull it back to his side, repeatedly scrunching it into and out of a fist. Spike’s teeth clattered in his skull, demanding that he use them to form words. Yet he knew nothing to say that would do any good.
“Why‽ Why‽ Why‽ Where are we‽ When are we‽ Why won’t the sun rise‽ Why‽ Where‽ Why‽” she cried, tears streaming down her face.
Spike, standing there and feeling like the worst friend ever, extended a trepid hand to Twilight. Then a voice whispered into his ear: “Lauf, mein kleiner Spielzuegdrache.” He jerked his head to the left, to where the voice had whispered. Eyes scanning the forest even as Twilight continued to whimper, Spike saw nothing. “Kleine Drache, zartes Kind.” Spike jerked his head to the right, the skin under his scales tingling with the tendrils of worry.
“Hey, Twilight, do you hear that?” Spike asked.
“Haha,” Twilight muttered, “maybe this is just a dream .Yeah, yeah, hehe, just a dream. But then why do I taste the dirt, feel the touch of cold, and smell the rot of the forest, huh, me? Why?”
Spike ran a hand through his green frills. “Gimme a miracle, I need one,” he mumbled. A whisper-like sound reached Spike’s ears. Taking in a sharp breath through his nose, Spike took an unconscious step back. “Who’s there?” he growled.
“Haha! No, no, that couldn't be, could it?” Twilight chuckled, curling into a fetal position. “Silly. Alternate reality. Haha! Those don’t exist... those don’t exist.”
Spike licked his lips before muttering, “Have I gone crazy?”
Twilight leapt to her hooves, her left eye twitching. “Spike! I’ve g-g-g-g-ot it!”
“A stutter?” Spike dryly replied. He slapped himself in the face for his stupid remark. With a blink he took note of how disheveled Twilight’s mane and tail had become within the last three minutes.
“Remember that book I read about the guy who hopped into other ponies’ dreams?” asked Twilight, in the tone of one who has completely lost it. She whinnied. “That has nothing to do with this!”
Holding out his arms in a defensive gesture, Spike took a step backwards. “Twilight, have you been hearing voices? Or... whispers from the forest?”
“Why, me? Hearing voices?” she chuckled, her right eyelid twitching. “I certainly don't hear my own thoughts clawing at me, haha!” She blinked. “I... don’t know,” Twilight murmured. “It’s just that...” She glanced to a nearby tree stump, her eyes going wide. “Ooh,” she cooed, walking as if in a trance to the stump.
Spike cut a claw to his chin. “Twilight, I think that something huge is going on–and what are you doing to that stump?”
Twilight poked at the stump as if it would bite her. “I know this stump!” she chirped, still in a crazed tone. “Amphetamine, Testosterone,” she singsonged in a mechanical tone, “nothing left but a beautiful body.” Spike blinked. “Come on, Spike, we’ve – no – I’ve been here before!”
“I think you need to lay down, Twilight,” Spike said in a weak voice.
“Long legs, smooth and pretty – you can even stand on them,” she continued to sing. Spike took a step towards her as she spun around. “A good look, hooray. A small tryst in a separée.”
“SNAP OUT OF IT!” Spike barked.
Twilight blinked. “I think... My stomach doesn’t feel so good.” She turned back to the stump. “There’s a note inside this,” she groaned, levitating a notecard out of the stump.
“Wait, how did you know that was there?”
“I didn’t.” Spike made a somewhat plaintive expression. Twilight cleared her throat, looking at the paper. “It reads: This space for rent.” A pause. Twilight slipped the card back into the stump. “Spike,” she said in a calm voice, “I think we’re not as lost as I thought.”
“Why?” Spike asked in a wary tone, his body tensing up.
“Because,” she replied, her expression blank.
Spike sighed. “Twilight, we need to get out of here. This forest is messing with our heads, making us see and hear things. We. Need. To. Get. Out. Now.”
Twilight licked her lips. “You know what? I agree.” She ran a hoof through her mane. “I just don’t know anything anymore.” She slumped her head forwards, her ears going limp. “I just don’t know.”
Spike put a hand on her shoulder. “Twilight, take it easy. I’ve got your back.” She smiled, wrapping Spike a tight hug. “And no matter what happens, no matter if we go bonkers in this stupid forest, we’ve got each other.”
After taking a deep breath, Twilight sighed. “Yeah, yeah I guess I kinda...”
“Twilight, you don’t have to explain yourself. I know you better than you know yourself.” He smiled. “I’m sure that if we just keep going, we can go to bed and wake up to a normal morning.”
Moving her head down, Twilight nuzzled Spike. “You’re right. I’m sure this is just... something not to think about at all. For the sake of my sanity, let’s just ignore all of this and...” He bit her bottom lip. “Let’s focus on getting home, then we can worry.”
“That’s the spirit, Twi!” He glanced up. “See, at least the moon’s bright this night.”
Twilight, turning her head to the sky, chuckled. “Yeah, yeah I’d say so too.”
A smile ran down Spike’s spine, making his skin crawl. Narrowing his eyes, Spike stared into the darkness. “Anypony else got a bad feeling?”
“What do you mean, Spike?” Twilight asked. A rustle in the bushes prompted both pony and dragon to jerk their heads to the left. “What in the-” A pony burst through the cimmerian bushes, his hooves pounding through dirt, mud, and leaves, paying no heed to either Twilight or Spike.
With his dark-blue mane and state-blue coat, he looked more like some nocturnal denizen than a proper pony. Following him came a hissing mass of black shapes, each one the size of a housecat – and as Twilight and Spike really looked at the chasing mass, it became only too clear that it was a pack of fuzzy spiders, each with sharp fangs and legs capable of stabbing a pony.
A new, much larger beart jumped in front of the stallion: a black hominid with long arms ending in raptor-like claws; sprouting from its back was a pair of bat-like wings; its face was like a reptilian horror, its maw glowing a blue as the glow in its eyes. To the thing’s flank came a dog-sized coal-black moth.
The stallion stopped dead in his tracks. His eyes darting about like the cornered rat he was, he barked, “Solis Vult!” As if on queue, two more of the bipedal monsters leapt out of the brush. “Grata ad Mirabili.” The leathery bat-like monsters charged at him, the stallion responding by charging head-first at them in kind.
Howling like banshees, the hominids jumped at the stallion, claw at his flesh as they forced him to the ground. The stallion clocked the first monster in the jaw, sending it stumbling backwards. With a kick, he was back to his hooves, the monsters holding position around him.
“You wanna play rough?” he challenged. “Let’s dance!”
Once more, the beasts pounced on him, prompting him to hurl his body to the right, escaping the attack. The moth-like thing charged at him. Just as it was about his strike his face, doubtlessly aiming to gouge his eyes out, a bolt of purple struck in square in the chest, knocking it to the ground.
Glancing all around, the stallion locked eyes with Twilight and then at Spike. “Sun preserve me...” He jumped back from a monstrous claw’s slash. “Lady, use light!”
“Light? Twilight asked.
“Twilight, use a flashlight spell!” Spike said.
Twilight nodded. “Right.” From her horn burst forth a radiance comparable to the sun itself. Spike had to close his eyes then cover them with his arms just to avoid hurting his vision. The air filled with shrieks and howls of unrelenting agony. Yet the flare of light didn’t weaken, instead it grew stronger until Twilight was indistinguishable from the sun. Bathed in Twilight’s light, the forest looked more like a photo with a funny film gradient over it than a real forest.
Then the light vanished, followed by Twilight uttering a single grunt. Striking his arms from his face and open his eyes, Spike’s sight swallowed the ghastly image of Twilight splayed on the ground and panting. His skin writhing with panic, he dropped to his knees, putting a hand to Twilight’s forehead. “Twilight, are you okay? Twilight? Answer me!”
Pushing his hand away and raising herself on wobbly legs, Twilight replied, “Yeah...” She gritted her teeth and grunted. “I’m fine... I... think I used too much energy... and... stuff.”
Spike glanced to where the stallion had been, only to find nothingness, not even the stallion. “The monsters are gone, but where’d the guy go?” Spike muttered.
“A thousand thanks, Miss,” the stallion said, appearing out of nowhere and offering a shoulder to Twilight. “You don’t look so good, Miss.” Twilight found her body abandoning her, only held up by the stallion’s shoulder as he slid up next her in the moments before she fell over. “Woah now, Missy. Don’t you be fainting on me.” He smiled.
Spike then noticed the metal lantern hanging from his next, casting a soft orange glow onto all three individuals Eyes scanning over the stallion, Spike’s inner draconian senses clawing at the back of his mind, urging him to be wary. Then Spike’s eye fell upon the stallion’s cutie mark: a pair of backwards-facing musical notes, though which kind of notes Spike didn’t know. Like a lightbulb going off in his head, Spike recognized the cutie mark, and by extension the stallion himself.
“It’s no problem stranger, really.” Twilight smiled, her legs still about as steady a newborn’s. “What where those things, Mr...?”
“Noteworthy’s the name, Miss. And those things were just your average citizens of this glorious forest.”
Spike pursed his lips to the side, his guess to the stallion’s name being totally accurate. “Strange name,” Twilight said, pushing away from Noteworthy. “I used to know a guy by that name, looked just like you too.”
A pause. Spike shook his head at Twilight, scrunching up his left eye. “What do you mean you don’t know him?” Spike muttered, cautious that Twilight not hear him. He didn’t know why, but his primal sense told him to roll with it. Fight it though he tried, his draconic side won over random impulse. Then the thought that his natural sense had just overcome his other, non-dragon side made him worry, though he pushed all thoughts of that nature to the back of his mind.
Noteworthy glanced down at Spike, his eyes going wide for a moment before he said, “Hey there, tyke, what’cher name?”
“Spike.”
The stallion blinked. “Ah, so you can talk? Odd, a dragon talking.”
Twilight chuckled. “It’s sometimes hard to get him not to.”
Noteworthy nodded, still staring at Spike. “Nice to meet you, Spike.” He looked back at Twilight, who glanced at her forehooves and chuckled. “Again, thanks for saving me. I’d be dead if not for your intervention. Your arrival-” he chuckled “-is so unlikely that I thought y’all were ghosts come to make sure my soul didn’t leave this wretched place.” He blinked. “Oh, I’m terribly sorry, ma’am, I didn’t ask for your name.”
“I’m Twilight Sparkle.”
“Twilight Sparkle,” he said, as if tasting the words. “That’s a lovely name... and kinda ironic, if ya think about it.” Noteworthy shook his head. “If there’s anything I can do for ya, I’d do such.”
“Mind telling us where we are?” Spike asked in a dry tone.
Noteworthy adjusted the brown neckerchief he wore. “Smack-dab in the Everfree Forest, Spike. Don’t ya already know?”
Twilight sighed. “If only.”
Cocking a brow, Noteworthy tilted his head a few degrees to the side. “Are y’all okay? And speaking of which, what’s a sorceress like yourself doing out here?”
She shook her head. “I woke up this morning in the middle nowhere, no idea how I got there, and then proceeded to get attacked by everything.” Twilight licked her lips. “We’ve been wandering through the forest for... what feels like ever.”
He blinked. “I find that kinda hard to believe, if you’ll excuse my suspicions.”
Twilight uttered a dry, humorless chuckle. “Nothing I can do about it. I don’t know anything anymore. My head hurts and I want to lie down.”
“Ditto,” Spike chimed. “I mean, is it just me or is the sun refusing to rise?” he chuckled.
Noteworthy took a step back, looking at Spike. “Morbid little guy, ain’t he?”
“Morbid?” Spike asked. “Wha-”
“I know, I know, laughter is the only way we’re going to overcome... but still, it’s kinda black to joke about that.” He shook his head. “Nah, I’m just being overly sensitive. It's been two years, I don’t see why we can’t make the best of the worst-” he shrugged “-you know?”
“I don’t follow,” Twilight said. “What are you getting on about?”
He cocked a brow. “You... you don’t know?”
“Know what?”
Noteworthy whistled. “Dang. You must've hit your head something awful. I’m surprised you can cast spells in that state.”
“What are you talking about?”
He sat down, blowing a puff of air out of his mouth. “How do I put this? Ah, yes.” Noteworthy cleared his throat. “Do you mind if I move into your rock?”
“My... rock?”
“Well, yeah. What rock have you been living under for the past two years? Wherever it is, I’d like to move in. Sounds nice.” He smiled at Twilight.
She flicked her tail in annoyance. “Please, be serious here. I’m honestly confused, and you’re not helping.”
Spike glanced to where the battle had occurred. Squinting at it, he sauntered off to the battleground. Noteworthy held out a foreleg, stopping him before he got off to far. “Woah there, little guy. Where do you think you’re going? Don’t leave the light, it’s bad for you.
“What do you mean?” Spike asked.
Noteworthy rolled his eyes. “Step out of the light, you die. My lantern ran outta oil, which is why those things jumped me. I didn’t have time to refuel the thing.”
“But,” Spike insisted, “we don’t have any lanterns or sources of light, and we weren't attacked or anything... Well, we ran into a few changelings and I saw saw some weird and spindly thing, but none of those... whatever they were that attacked you.”
The stallion tilted his head to the side. “That’s... odd. You sure you weren’t using your lady for a light?”
“Positive.”
“Odd... Very odd indeed.” Noteworthy tapped a hoof to his chin. “Well, Twilight Sparkle and Spike, I don’t know what to tell ya other than ‘see a doctor about that amnesia’ or ‘consider a career in rock-based real estate’.”
Spike bit his inner cheek as looked up at Twilight, her eyes half glazed over as she stared straight ahead like a corpse. He swallowed. “So then, Noteworthy, do you know where the nearest settlement is?”
He scoffed. “Ponyville? Why in the hay would you want to go to that rathole?”
“Ratehole?” Spike asked. Slowly, like a rusted grandfather clock, Twilight angled her head back to Noteworthy, a defeated look in her eyes that made the skin underneath Spike’s scales writhe.
Noteworthy chuckled. “Place ain’t been the same since ol’ Father Madness moved it. But you already know that, so there's no point in me explaining.”
“F-F-Father Madness?” Twilight muttered, her head slumping forwards, her pupils narrowing until they were barely visible dots against the whites of her eyes.
“AKA that sociopath who brings the false sun,” he said in a sardonic tone, “if you’re feeling dramatic. He and the good Führer have been at it for the past year, since-” He whistled. “Sorry, you already know this stuff.”
“Since what?” Spike prompted. A beat passed as Noteworthy stared at him. “I was recently hatched, you see,” he lied. He glanced at Twilight, his heart threatening to savage its way out of his chest. “A-a-and she’s not feeling too well.”
Twilight continued to give her foreground the thousand yard stare, her mouth occasionally moving as if she were speaking or praying, though no sound came from her lips save for incoherent murmurs. “Forty-two... impossible... ‘The night will last forever’... ‘Make some friends,’ she said... ‘Give me that book’...” Spike’s teeth gritted so hard as he watched her that his very enamel, the same enamel capable of eating solid diamonds, nearly shattered under the pressure; his heart, though, had stopped racing, instead resolving itself to sinking into his stomach and alternating between being shaking his body and thrumming blood though his ears.
The stallion sighed. “Well, since Nightmare Moon and all.” Twilight make a barely audible squeaking noise. “But, well, Solis Vult and all that.” Spike cocked a brow. “Solis Vult means ‘the sun wills it’. It’s one of the Führer’s battlecries. Sounds really cool, though I don’t really buy into his crap about ‘saving Equestria’ business or whatever.”
“Soil Vult,” Twilight uttered. “Führer?”
The stallion chuckled. “A nickname, I assure you. It means ‘leader’ in some dead language. You even spell it with these funny little dots over the U.” He tapped a hoof to his jaw. “If the story is correct, it comes from an old photographer lady calling him that, though she was being sarcastic, and it sounded scary; the name just stuck like that, inspires fear and other malarkey.” Noteworthy licked his lips. “Bah, I’m just rambling at this point, sorry. I just don’t know what to say at this point... I kinda have to get going.” He looked over his shoulder, down the road leading deeper in the forest.
“How would... we reach Ponyville?” Twilight asked, her words coming out as slow as molasses.
“You sure y’all wanna head that way? Papa Madness owns that whole region.”
“Papa? I thought it was ‘Father’?” Spike said.
Noteworthy shrugged. “Really, any sort of paternal title, including royal ones, before the capitalized noun of ‘Madness’ refers to the same dude, really. It’s all a matter of personal preference.” He sighed. “If y’all really wanna, just keep going down the road as you were. I gotta go the other way. And since you appear to be safe from them night thingies, I guess you don't really need any of my help, then. Anyways, thanks for helpin’ me, though, I’ll repay that debt someday, I swear it!” He took three steps back from the babbling Twilight before spinning around and trotting the way Twilight and Spike had come from.
“Wait, why are you going deeper into the forest? Shouldn’t you be trying to get out?”
“Nah, Miss. I’m looking for a special somepony.”
“Who?”
A pause. “My fiancee.” And with that, he continued trotting deeper into the heart of the forest.
Spike watched Noteworthy until he rounded corner and disappeared. Sighing, he put a hand on Twilight shoulder. “Hey, hey,” he cooed, “stay with me on this one, Twi’.”
“Four, eight, fifteen, sixteen, twenty-three, f-forty-two...” Her left ear twitched. Blinking, she turned her head to Spike. “H-hey, Spike?”
“Yeah, Twi’?”
A pause. “I don’t think we’re in Equestria anymore... not ours.”
He nodded. “Yeah, I think that’s been kinda clear for a while.”
Her eyes widened to the size of pie pans. “D-did I do this to us...?” Spike bite his tongue. “I-is this all... my fault? What if-” her eyes darted left to right “-this is all... my... fault?”
“Twilight, I’m sure that’s impossible. How could you’ve possibly done this?”
She uttered a single humorless chuckle. “Well, there was that one time I went back in time, which ended-”
“Stop it, now,” Spike said in an authoritative voice. “I – we – need you at your all, Twilight. There’s no way this is your fault, and worrying about it won’t change a thing. You hear?” A pause, then Twilight nodded, though she didn’t look at Spike. “I’ve seen how you get when things go... terrible, but not today, got it? I am not gonna have you being a blubbering wreck of my watch, okay?”
“I-I just...” She shook her head. “I just don’t know anymore. Life’s supposed to make sense – magic A is magic A, this goes there, and you don’t wake up in the middle of the Everfree forest in a world of monsters – you know, normal stuff.”
Spike chuckled, moving to stand in front of Twilight, forcing her to look at him. “Since when has our lives ever been normal? Life’s always been a series of odd and strange things leading up to weirder and weirder things.” He patted her on the cheek, himself smiling. “So just stand back, take a deep breath, and let’s face the music together.”
She rose her head, looking down the road towards Ponyville. “I guess we should go on,” Twilight muttered, her eyes still locked in a thousand yard stare.
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You're just priceless :D Check out new chapter btw :D
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Can't wait for you to read third chapter :D
And i will follow your advice and fuse first two chapters tomorrow
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Funny. I wrote that line since it makes sense to me. I guess I'm just a goof. Though perhaps it only works for me 'cause I'm a southerner/midlander
And I have replaced Princess Celestia with a lengthy allusion to Aphrodite. Hopefully, that will work better given Twilight's nerdy nature.
This is getting pretty confusing.
Could you throw us all some rope in the next chapter, so we can climb out of the quicksand?
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And once more, I have insulted Texas. I swear, I'm not doing this on purpose. But, that nicker issue applies here. Since I'm in California, it looks weird to my eyes. In the same sense, we don't know where Equestria is compared to... anywhere else in their world. Although, The Underworld is apparently a day's running time from Ponyville... Anyway, I'm sad to say that terminology such as this doesn't fly so well on the internet. You SHOULD be able to use your own phrases if they relate to your home or upbringing/ancestry, but that's not something we get to use here. It stinks because I actually really like the 'four corners' phrase, but everything has to be universal here. A way that you can use phrases like this is by figuring out whether or not it's uncommon enough, having a character use it, and then have the character briefly explain it.
I looked over the description of Chrysalis, and it's wonderfully creepy... but It still says she's like a corrupted Celestia.
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Actually, a better way to use phrases; just let characters use uncommon ones without explaining them. The narrative has to be universal, not the characters. Lucky from the second(soon first) chapter is an example of of you doing this properly. Since Lucky is obviously deranged- *punched in the face*-raised different than Twilight, we can let his dialect slide. Remember; you can do practically anything with the characters, but almost nothing with the narrative.
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I don't live in Texas nor have I even been there. I lived in the Midwest proper, now I live in the land of Sunshine. But since Applejack's accent is technically a Texan one, I figure that maybe Twilight or Spike might have pick up on a few phrase (Or maybe it's just that I have a very weird vocabulary – people constantly ask me what country I'm from 'cause my normal accent is so weird). My IRL friends never understood my "four corners" stuff, though, so I dunno. It's something of a joke base on the flat earth farce, the four corners essentially meaning, in the way I used it, dispersed to all hells (I also like saying "What in the nine hells‽" as an exclamation, so I'm trying very hard not to write that).
Yeah, Stalin was too lazy. So he went to bed (Living across the world, you see) and so he'll change it tomorrow. Let's hope that Aphrodite (Assuming, that is, that ponies picture Gods as alicorns, thought; otherwise humans might think Twilight's comparing Chrysalis to a human).
Luck is actually speaking in a thick Northumbrian accent (North English/south Scottish – though, for the story, we'll call it an uber-thick Trottingham accent). It serves only to confuse Twilight to no ends.
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My leaps in logic suck. I guess that's why they say look before you leap. I guess I'd always thought Mid-West was Texas. I got that idea because some Texas relatives of mine always said that.
Whether ponies see alicorns as Gods/Goddesses or not completely up to the author(s). If anyone tries to tell you it's supposed to be a certain way, say it's a cartoon for little girls, the creators wouldn't worry about it. This is something EQD is very cool about; personal head canons. As long as there's a line of logic leading to your assumption, EQD lets stuff like that slide.
Lucky is best failed cavalry, by the way.
There is was again, that sound. Discord glanced left towards the sound, towards the Everfree forest. “No,” he muttered under his breath, “it couldn’t be.” Thump-thump-thump-thump came the rapid sound once again.
That 'is' should be 'it.' Also, the second 'sound' is unneeded. just say 'glanced to his left.'
“But yet...”
'But' and 'yet' kind of mean the same thing, so it's almost a double negative. Replace 'but' with 'and.'
“-And so then the chocolate rain, out I had to find other sources of chocolate,
I think you mean “-And so then the chocolate rain ran out and I had to find other sources of chocolate," or “-And so then the chocolate ran out and I had to find other sources of chocolate,"
Once a pointless backwater of the edge of the Everfree,
There should be a 'town' in there somewhere.
With a snap of his talon,
'talons'
“Metus, Metus, Metus, wherefore art thou?”
If you're trying to make a Romeo and Juliet reference, it should be: “Metus, Metus, wherefore art thou, Metus?” I think. I'm pretty sure, but I'll admit it if I'm wrong.
a rather gravelly voice from behind Discord,
There needs to be a 'said' somewhere in there.
There, sitting on a fence, was the gangly form of Metus, whose painted smile and nigh faceless face stared back at him.
Not a huge deal, but EQD will rag you mercilessly over commas. Remove that one after Metus. Another rule of thumb with commas; you can have a couple extra in the dialogue because of the way some characters talk, but try to use as little as possible in the narrative. Even in dialogue, try to avoid them.
You shouldn’t be able to get past my shields.”
Another 'lie vs. lay' issue: past vs. passed. It should be 'passed' here. Look up the difference to know how to use them.
, in the tones of one who knows for a fact that is his smarter than anyone else within earshot.
First, there's a couple typos you should be able to see. Second, too much showing vs. telling. This sentence should be simpler.
See, I didn’t just find you at random, I hunted you down; and now I’ve got you marked for death.”
You could separate this into two sentences and it would flow better.
Er... well, it's kinda hard to point out, but that huge section of italicized quotes Metus is saying? There's a 'Discord Blinked' and a 'Metus giggled' in there that shouldn't be italicized.
And thought I screamed ‘till my soul was numb,
'though'
It’s not like that time gonna make a difference.”
Need an 'is' in there or the contractive word 'time's.'
“I’ve finally trapped you in my own little Xanatos Gambit, brother.
The use of 'Xanatos Gambit' is strange here. I know it's become a writing term on the internet and even beyond that, but you do know who Xanatos is, right? He's a character from that cartoon show back in the nineties, Gargoyles. I'm not ragging on you for using literature terms; that's Metus's thing and it works for him. But this term isn't applicable here considering the context of Xanatos.
Step by step and Schritt für Schritt
Again, the narrative is doing too much. The narrative is not a character and shouldn't do things like this unless relevant to the plot or character.
Another blinked,
Just 'blink', given the context of the paragraph.
And all the whiles the voices kept gnawing at her.
'All the while'
“Twilight, we need to get out of hear.
'here'
We. Need. To. Get, Out. Now.”
There's a comma where there should be a period.
“You know what? I agree.” She ran a hoof through her mane. I just don’t know anything anymore.”
Missing a quotation mark in there.
I’m sure that just outside this dumb forest is.”
This sentence cuts off rather abruptly.
With his dark-blue mane and state-blue coat, he looked more like a natural denizen of the forest that a proper pony.
Not a grammatical error, but... well, his coat and mane color doesn't really make him seem like a forest dweller. You need to find a different way to tell me that, or find something else his physical features make him look like. Better yet, the picture can describe that he's blue, so you don't need to.
each with sharp fang and legs capable of stabbing a pony.
'fangs'
A large beast, a new one, jumped in front of the stallion:
This could be restructured to make more sense. Perhaps 'A new, much larger beast'
leathery bat-like monsters charged at me, the stallion responding by charging head-first at them in kind
Me? Is this a self-insert fanfiction? Seriously, change the 'me' to 'him' and add a period at the end.
“A thousand thanks, miss,”
Capitalize Miss if you're going to do the same with the next one. Also, there is too many uses of the word in this paragraph.
Spike shook his head at Twilight, scrunching up his left eyes.
I believe Spike only has one left eye.
“I used to know a guy by that name, looked just like you too.”
A pause. Spike shook his head at Twilight, scrunching up his left eyes. “What do you mean you don’t know him?”
These two statements seem to conflict. Am I imagining it?
“Smack-dab in the Everfree forest, Spike.
'Forest' should be capitalized since it's a part of a title.
Noteworthy took a step back, looking at Spike.
He's taken a few too many steps back for some people's liking.
Noteworthy held out an arm,
He held out a leg, right?
“Bah, I’m just rambling at this point, sorry. I just don’t know what to say at this point...
Too many points, too close.
“Really, any sort of paternal title, including royal ones, before the capitalized noun
Need a period at the end.
There's an overabundance of commas. Try to weed out the unnecessary
Okay, story issues;
Discord knowing Metus kind of throws things off. No, it's not that they know each other; it's that Discord knows of the other universe. This might be a personal problem, but which Discord is the real one if they know that there's more than one. In that same vein, is there more than one Metus? As long as there could be (i.e. it hasn't been shown that there is only one) multiple Metus's, the exchange will seem weird.
I Am is utterly pointless at this point in the story. Unless she affects the world around Spike, it's pointless for us, the readers, to know about her. Now, I know what you're thinking. Logically, I Am would want to make her presence known as soon as she could. Unfortunately, that won't slide with readers. Unless I Am does something relevant, at least giving information pertaining to their situation as a whole or their current problem, she shouldn't be talking now.
Some readers might say your moving too quickly, oddly enough. Personally, I thinks its moving at a good pace. The real issue is that the story didn't start calm and then get action-y, so things seem to be moving fast. This may or may not be a hurdle you'll need to overcome.
That's it for problems. What's good;
I don't think I've mentioned this, but whoever wrote this comes off incredibly intelligent. Your extensive vocabulary, use of quotes, and interesting use of phrases is very noticeable. A person could get smarter reading this. I have to stop and look up English words every once in a while.
Everything that you've improved on is visible here. The character's dialogue is moving the story along, and you're not using the narrative as a crutch as much. A lot of the good things I've said from before about chapters also apply here, such as keeping them in character and making everything feel believable. I also got a little emotional when Spike was worrying about Twilight, wishing he could do something to help her. It was the powerful, at least to me. You guys keep improving, little by little, and it's noticeable.
Good introduction of Noteworthy. A little sudden, but that can be forgiven, seeing the context of what's going on. Your jokes, by the way, are also more sophisticated than what I'm used to. I liked his clever phrasing about living under a rock, they were... stimulating is the word I want. Anyway, good job for noticing that, despite the fact we the readers know from the beginning, Twilight needing to know that Ponyville was messed up.. You once again intelligently relayed information, both what Twilight and Spike needed and what we needed, through the characters' interactions with each other. Noteworthy was a good character who served a purpose.
As a reader, I must say that I'm drawn in and looking forward to more. I want to know what's going on so very much. You should feel good that your making readers feel this way, because then they'll want to come back for more.
Sincerely,
The Conflicted Writer
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That was done of purpose ,which is why Metus rails Discord for it.
While you make a good point. I must respectfully disagree with you. Discord is used past as an adverb, thus it works in this case. Definition 13. He's remarking on how Metus went beyond his shields, which he shouldn't have been able to (That's what the implication was, anyhow).
Sorry. This was actually a direct reference to Sir Terry Pratchett's Discworld. One of the books has a bad guy who is very sarcastic, and "in the tones..." is how one of his lines was described.
This was done on purpose, I know very well who Xanatos is. It was a reference made in the same vain as The Divine Comedy – Metus sort of transcends any single universe is what that line was trying to imply.
Eh, this is a habit from my own fic, where the OC refers to forelegs as "arms". In pony terms, it's just easier than saying "foreleg" when referring to their... forelegs. (It's also nicer to say "wrapped in each other's arms" as opposed to "each other's forlegs".) I sometimes forget that my head-canon biology works different than other bronies'.
Not sure if Stalin wants me to say this or not, but here goes. Stalin's idea for spirits like Discord and Metus (and others like Mors and Fate) is that they are trans-universal, an ability which stems from the Ethereal Plane. This is sort of a basic principle that I'm unsure of how to word without being vague (E.G. Discord referencing knowing the other 'verse with Twilight in it).
Yay! (Ego, get off the keyboard!) No offense to Stalin, but he writes his fics in somewhat broken English, calling upon me to make everything fluid. The quotes, vocabulary, and phrases are all my doing . I do this a lot in my own writing to the point where some people have (jokingly) complained that I'm teaching them too many new words. Stalin tells me that I'm very funny and should write a comedy; I'm glad it comes off as funny to you .
Thank you, once again, The Conflicted Writer. I'll get right on those edits.
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My happines of working with you knows no borders YOU the one who help us improve. A LOT. Thank you :D
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Actually i was intended to uncover entire settin g in this chapter, but things go little off and we have 10000+ words, so we decided to split it on two chapters. Next chapter shall arrive shortly, there we will make things easier to understand :P
There. Unfortunately, it sacrifices about 47 comments, but i still remember all these people pretty well
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Ah, I see. It all makes much more sense now. There's still two things, however;
The Romeo a Juliet quote is funnier now that I understand, but it isn't quite explained properly. This is what Mater says about it:
“And you’re misquoting Shakespeare. Wherefore art thou basically means ‘why are you named as such’. Do your homework before you quote something, dear friend,”
He starts by saying Discord's misquoting, but then transitions to telling him about what it actually mean. The part about Discord saying it wrong isn't explained well enough.
Believe me, I understand the wackiness that is the theory of the multi-verse. I read Sonic the Hedgehog comics. I had actually already guessed that this was the idea. The first issue here is actually a little hypocritical. Readers already know what to expect from Discord, and this information about him being a multidimensional being kind of goes against that given he was able to be trapped in stone. The second issue is that this kind of thing is really confusing for a lot of people. Once you get into multi-verse beings, things got either really strange, really confusing, or really Gary-Stuish. People will ask; if he's a multi-verse being and knows it, why doesn't he go over and free himself in the other dimension? Super Beings like this that I know about are either really evil, really crazy, or have some sort of limitation. The limitations of their powers needs to be known to solve any brain-scratching reader's will have. I mean, being called a multidimensional being really seems to imply fantastic power, and Discord can already warp reality as it is. We need to know that Discord's and Metus aren't all powerful, or at least that there's some reason they don't so things like hop over and help themselves. Or course they have limitations against each other since their brothers, but what about everywhere else?
I do understand the issue with head canon and wanting to call their forelegs arms. I still have no idea what to call clock hands, but most still call them hands. Remember that your readers are human and capable of making small leaps in logic. Saying he used a leg would be fine since the reader knows there's only so many legs he can use and only two would actually make sense. Here's another tip relating to that; it's okay to simply say someone glanced to his side as opposed to a specific direction like left or right. This doesn't apply to up, down, forward, or back, only left and right and other dualities like them. If possible, you want the reader to imagine parts of the scene themselves and not just tell them everything. This doesn't apply to when left and right are important, like when there's two levers to pull or two paths. So many things in writing are circumstantial and hard to keep track of, but these little things make it easier to read
Anyway, yes, you are super smart. Not just with what words you have, but how you use them. Your jokes are the most tasteful I've read in a long time, anywhere. Prepare your ego for this; I compare your humor to something akin to what Shakespeare might write if he existed today. That might be an exaggeration, but your sense of humor and use of words is amazing. Take Stalin's advice a write a comedy.
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People will ask; if he's a multi-verse being and knows it, why doesn't he go over and free himself in the other dimension?
Why? This is dimension where almost nobody can stop him, where he have almost all that he desired. Why he need to "free" himself in other dimension?
Anyway, can't wait when you shall look at our last story :D First few chapters arent have too much humor, but later ones does
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Like I said, the problem is hypocritical. If I could, I'd tell you to leave it as is. People just want to know these things. They crave answers to silly little questions like this, even about omni-potent beings. They'll want to know about their powers and limitations. This doesn't reflect real life at all, but everything in the story is supposed to have a point, even little blurbs. It's crazy, it's ridiculous, it's very unfair. But that's the way it is.
You don't have to describe their powers and limitations now, but maybe it's too soon to force us to know that they are, indeed, multidimensional beings. Since it's only chapter two, it could be too soon. Maybe you should leave it more open ended, so that your readers have to guess whether this is an alternate reality or a rewritten one.
Oh! Something I've been meaning to compliment you on. I don't think many people while see this, but I really like the logic of the villains that aren't Metus. You've noticed something that not many others notice; that the villains exist. By that I mean, you've noticed that even if Nightmare Moon happened, Discord and Chrysalis still would regardless of Nightmare Moon. Some might only see you as just using all the villains, but I can see you thought about this issue.
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Thanks :D
And actually, villians have their limitations. Even Discord.
Just reread the last two chapters to make sure everything is awesome. It is. EQD might complain how direct you are with the Aphrodite reference, but I personally like it. Like I've complained about, it's down to tastes.
One typo in this chapter:
Wherever it is, I’d like to move it. Sounds nice.”
I'm sure you mean 'move in' to the rock, not move the rock itself.
Right, I'm off to the next chapter.
“See now, I like a good sport as much as the next pseudo-corporeal and immortal entity. That’s why I’m here, brother. I’m here to warn you that in a few week’s time, this whole world’s going to the doghouse. To quote a few things that I love to read: Vaulting, veering, vomiting up the values that victimized me, feeling vast, feeling virginal... was this how Fate felt? This verve, this vitality... this vision... La voie... la vérité... la vie.” Discord blinked. “Voilà! In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished. However, this valorous visitation of a bygone vexation stands vivified, and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin vanguarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition! The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous.” Metus giggled. “Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose, so let me simply add that it's my very good honour to meet you and you may call me Dein Sterben zu Kommen.”
"Forever free from fate, fiend, forthcoming now my fire of furious frost, ye foul farce for factual flesh – for fate feels only für fleisch von mir, ye forewarned and finely froschéd fury to face being felled! Discord, die down thine dysfunctional din, this detritus doomed darkly to demise ‘cause your lack of discontinuation doth deem itself dangerously dashing, danceable even – a mere myopic-made misconception at most!"
25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m57v11sYYJ1r0z3y7o1_250.gif
(But seriously though, very clever)
As for the typos, there's that "her" thing again: "-her took note of how disheveled Twilight’s mane and tail had become in the last three minutes."
"-Spike’s his inner draconian senses clawing at the back of his mind." I don't think that "his" should be there.
“Well, yeah. What rock have you been living under for the past two years? Wherever it is, I’d like to move it. " I think you forgot the "into" here.
"It means ‘leader’ is some dead language." In.