Chapter 2: Acquaintances
I woke to the sound of birds chirping, and a bright warm light shining in my eyes that filtered in through the window. I lied there for a moment, with the feeling you get when waking up in an unfamiliar place, like after the first night at a hotel. I quickly sat up and looked around, and was surprised to find that I was still in Fluttershy's cottage, confirming the events that had occurred last night were not a dream after all.
I looked to my left to see Fluttershy was no longer sleeping on the couch, her blanket still there. This was a good sign, she was alright, at least enough to get up and move around. I slowly climbed up to my feet, my back aching slightly from spending the night on the floor. I began to wonder where she was if she was not on the couch.
I looked around the room, trying to remember what was where and how to get around. I also tried to recall the scenes that took place here on the show and figure out how to get around. I headed for the stairs, gently hovering up and over the steps, slowly peeking up and into her bedroom. She was not there.
As I headed downstairs again I wondered to myself how I even got here. I remembered the tornado, but it didn't make sense. I couldn't understand how I ended up here in Equestria of all places. I decided to look outside at the back of the house, where the animals were. Perhaps she was there, checking on them after the storm. I decided to use the front door so I wouldn't alert her right away, and so I could sneak around the side of the house. I carefully grabbed the handle, pulling the door open gently. I stepped outside.
As I exited the cottage, right away I could hear her humming and singing softly around the corner. I carefully walked around the side of the cottage, stepping lightly. I peered around the corner and saw her pouring a bag of feed into a feeder attached to her chicken coop. I slowly walked nearer, approaching the gate to the fenced in area that housed most of her animals. I tried to open the gate quietly, but my cover was blown as the hinges made a loud squeaking when I attempted to enter. I froze in place.
She visibly jumped and made a frightened whimpering sound as she quickly hid behind the chicken coop. Slowly, I saw her stick her head out from behind the coop, her eyes peering around to see me. She looked at me with wide, terrified eyes as I stared back at her. Quickly, I took my hands of the gate and raised them to shoulder level, my arms folded up beside me, trying to show myself as non-threatening.
“Hi there,” I spoke softly and quickly, “I'm not gonna hurt you, ok? Don't be scared of me.”
She slowly put a hoof out in front of her, slowly walking out from behind the coop, only exposing half of her body now.
“There you go,” I said reassuringly, “I'm that thing from the storm last night. You brought me in remember? And I'm awfully thankful you did, thank you very much for rescuing me.”
She now came out from behind the coop, taking just a few steps to try and get a better look at me. I saw her open her mouth a bit, trying to say something, but it was so soft and quiet, I could barely hear.
“I'm sorry, I couldn't quite make that out,” I said, cupping a hand next to my ear, “Can you repeat that?”
I heard this time, still very faint.
“D-did you, bring me back to my, m-my cottage last night?” she said, very softly and shaky.
“Yes, I did. I woke up and didn't see you anywhere, so I went looking for you down that trail,” I said, pointing past her.
She turned to look down the trail leading into the forest before facing me again.
“You went into the, the Everfree forest?” she asked.
“Yes I did, I saved you, and your little badger friend. How is the little guy?” I asked, this time trying to walk through the gates toward her.
She took a few steps back as I came through the gate, she spread her wings preparing to flee.
“No no no! I'm not gonna hurt you! I just wanna talk, okay? I can't hear you very well though, I need to get closer, you have a very soft voice,” I said, once again putting my hands up.
She folded her wings back up at her sides, and took a cautious step toward me.
“H-he's alright,” she mumbled softly.
“Good, that's good,” I began, “Can I come a little closer? Why don't you come over her a little, lets sit down and talk.”
She took another hesitant step as I inched forward, I slowly put one foot in front of the other. Now that I was closer I could see why she was so hesitant, as now I could truly compare our sizes. At full height, the top of her ears came up only to about the bottom of my ribcage, and I was only average height, around 5' 9". I sat down about two yards in front of her, very slowly, as she continued walking toward me. To her, I was a very large and very dangerous creature, who could easily hurt her if I wanted. Now knowing this I could see sitting down and making myself smaller was probably the best idea.
I sat down with my legs crossed as she continued to approach.
“There you go,” I said softly, trying to smile a bit.
She stopped just far enough that if I tried to grab her she would be out of my reach, no doubt she didn't trust me entirely.
“I can understand that I must look very big and scary, but don't worry, I mean you no harm,” I said firmly.
She sat down at last in front of me, the two of us now at just about eye level.
I already knew who she was. I knew her name, her personality, her behavior. But I couldn't let her know all that. At least not right away, I couldn't overwhelm her at the start. I would have to be gradual, and use the utmost care when approaching this, with no small amount of tact.
“My name is Dako. What is your name?” I asked her.
“I'm, Fluttershy,” she said very softly.
“Nice to meet you Fluttershy,” I said, giving her a warm smile.
“Where are you from?” she asked softly.
I paused to think about this. Again, I could explain to her right away, but I didn't want to overwhelm or scare her. I had to be careful here. Being an outsider, I would have to be careful to avoid ruining my only chance at fitting in here or being accepted. If I messed up I possibly would be hunted down, or feared forever, and seeing as how I might be stuck here forever I couldn't afford to make any mistakes.
I cleared my throat before speaking, preparing to be as vague as I could, while still giving somewhat of an answer.
“Well... Clearly as you can see I am not from around here. I am from a distant land, a distant world really,” I began, pausing to think, “I come from another world, where your kind does not exist. Some of us know of you, but otherwise, we don't have anyone really like you.”
I could see that she was confused and was trying to understand what I was telling her.
“What do you mean, another world? Know about us?” she asked.
I looked down at the grass I sat on for a moment, trying to think. The ground I sat upon and the sun that shone on me were constant reminders of this strange new world that I'd possibly be trapped in forever, and that I had to get this right or risk being exiled or chased away. I found my answer.
“I arrived here by storm, last night. In my world I was caught in a very powerful storm much like the one last night,” I said, “I was sucked up into a tornado. I passed out and when I woke up I was sitting in your cottage. I don't remember anything else.”
She considered what I had said for a moment. It appeared what I said was acceptable.
“But, what do you mean, you know about, my kind?” she asked.
I strained my brain, trying to figure why I ever said that, and what my answer could possibly be. I was stuck now. I had to tell her, I had no choice but to try and explain.
“Well,” I began, “That is a bit... difficult to explain. My kind has, in a way, seen the events of your world.”
She had a surprised look on her face mixed with one of confusion. Now I had really trapped myself. I could feel I was beginning to sweat a little, as well as panic. My heart started beating faster.
“But, how?” she asked.
“Uh,” I began, “Well you see, I, I can't really explain right now. It's very complicated.”
I was in trouble. Fluttershy was my favorite pony, and it was hurting me to withhold the truth from her. I couldn't bear lying, but I couldn't tell her the whole complex truth just yet, if ever.
“I see. So, what exactly are you?” Fluttershy asked, leaning over to try and get a better look at me.
I let out a relieved sigh, so far she bought it. I cleared my throat again.
“Well, I'm a human. At least I thought so,” I began.
She stood up and walked around me, looking at me, very cautiously, still keeping her distance. She was much more open now, but she still wasn't going to take any chances with a strange creature like me.
“A human? But, you aren't sure?” she asked, looking me up and down.
“Well, yes. I'm very human-like. But I can do things they can't,” I began.
She came back around front and stopped where she was sitting before remaining standing this time.
“What do you mean you can do things humans cant'? Aren't you one of them?” she asked.
“Well, it'd be easier if I showed you,” I said.
With my legs still crossed as I sat on the ground, I slowly, gently hovered off the ground, about two feet up into the air. Fluttershy gasped and took a few quick steps back. I continued to float upward until I was at standing height, then I unfolded my legs and let them dangle beneath me before I slowly drifted downward, landing on my feet.
“How did you do that? You flew without wings!” Fluttershy said, astonished.
“Well, I don't really know,” I said.
“So, other humans can't do that?” she asked.
“No, regular humans look like me in every way except, well, I guess they're like the Earth ponies here,” I said.
“How do you know about the Earth ponies?” Fluttershy asked.
“Well, remember, we've seen your world,” I said.
She nodded.
We continued talking for a small while about my world and what it was like. But mostly I just tried to talk as a means of getting her adjusted to me. I wanted to make it clear that I had no ill intentions, that I was not a threat, and that I was good. She seemed to get a little more comfortable around me at last. Eventually we reached the topic of what would happen to me now, and where I would stay.
“So, what are you going to do?” Fluttershy asked.
“Uh, well, what do you mean?” I asked, slightly confused.
“Well, where will you go?” she asked.
I felt a nervous lump in my throat.
“I... I guess I thought I might stay with you for a little while?” I said.
“Oh, well, I don't know about that, I guess so. I did find you after all,” she said, putting a hoof to her chin, considering the proposition.
I sighed, relieved to hear the answer. But I knew it wasn't decided yet, I could tell she wasn't very thrilled with the idea.
“Wait, I have a friend who might be able to find a way for you to get home!” Fluttershy said cheerfully with a smile.
My eyes involuntarily widened at her statement. I would honestly like to know how to get home, but at the same time, I didn't really want to leave. At least, so far, this world looked a little more promising for someone like me than home. Here I'd be free to do nearly whatever, including all things related to my powers.
“Oh, that's cool,” I said, “Uh, who is that?”
“My friend Twilight Sparkle is very smart and knows lots of magic, I'm sure she could help you get home,” Fluttershy
I ran the situation through my head. Knowing Twilight was great at magic I still doubted that she knew how to get me back to Earth. But I was honestly torn now. On one hand I did want to stay here, what tiny peek I've had of their world both from home and now from here had made quite an impression on me, and I was hoping to stay a while. On the other hand, I knew I would have to return home, and that if I had to fend for myself here, I likely wouldn't know how to survive. But the last scenario was more of a worst case really, I'd only have to worry about that if I couldn't make an impression with the other ponies here and were cast out.
After thinking about all this for a while I noticed Fluttershy's smile fading as she tilted her head a bit, now staring at me out of concern for my long silence. I snapped out of it.
“Oh, Twilight! Right, uh, let's go meet her,” I said abruptly.
“Are you feeling okay?” Fluttershy asked.
“I'm great,” I said, “I was just thinking about... things.”
Fluttershy spread her wings, giving them a few slow, gentle flaps, as if stretching first, before making a few large, quicker flaps, gently lifting into the air as the grass stirred beneath her, her long mane and tail fluttering in the breeze. I watched as she rose almost ten feet above me, looking on from below in awe, taking in the magnificence of pegasus flight in person as she hovered there gracefully, the air blowing down on me.
“Um, are you coming?” Fluttershy asked, looking down at me.
“Oh, right,” I said, shaking myself out of it.
I slowly rose upward to match her height, looking down below me as I watched my shadow shrink on the ground below. I was not too experienced a flier myself, never really having the chance to use my powers at home, but I had gotten the hang of flying long ago. As I reached her height I looked up at her with a smile. She gave me a warm smile back, before turning and slowly heading off towards Ponyville. I began to follow, leaning forward gently, looking back behind me to see the cottage we were leaving behind.
As we flew we slowly and steadily climbed higher, but I estimate we never got any higher than 100 feet. I looked down below, watching the trees and hills pass by underneath, and I looked up to see the clouds slowly drift by. I began to smile wide this time in exhilaration before laughing aloud.
“What's so funny?” Fluttershy asked, turning to face me.
“I've never really gotten to fly before,” I said, chuckling.
“Are you scared of heights too?” Fluttershy asked.
“Not at all!” I replied, before climbing upward.
I kept my gaze down as I watched the distance between me and the ground increase. Fluttershy looked up at me, watching me fly higher and higher. As the warm sun shone down on me I did a couple of barrel rolls as I continued rising higher. I laughed even more in pure euphoria, feeling the wind in my hair as I flew in absolute joy.
I had always dreamed of flying, and now I was finally living that dream. I was happier than I'd ever been in my entire life. I closed my eyes and held my arms out to my sides like the wings on an airplane as I began to roll, faster and faster, letting myself tumble through the air as I fell back toward the ground. I opened my eyes and slowed down as I came back down alongside Fluttershy.
“Have fun?” she asked, smiling.
“This is the best! Everyone should try it!” I said, the adrenaline pumping.
“Is this the first time you ever gotten to fly?” Fluttershy asked.
“Oh yeah, back in my world there was nowhere I could go without being seen,” I said, still smiling.
“As a matter of fact, I wanna see what I can do,” I said, lowering my eyebrows.
“What do you mean?” Fluttershy asked.
“Just watch this,” I shouted, accelerating.
The sound of the wind rose in my ears, my clothing flapping in the wind violently. I could feel myself accelerating steadily. As I felt the wind on my face and through my hair I continued to pick up speed. I began laughing wildly once more, shouting at the top of my lungs as I watched the landscape below me pass by faster and faster. I could feel myself straining now to push faster, so I shot up, slowly curving back up and into the sky. Now flying upside down and in the opposite direction, I tilted my head back and saw Fluttershy down below, she had stopped now to watch me. I continued my loop, leveling out right side up now as I quickly slowed down and stopped next to Fluttershy.
“That, was, the best!” I said, breathless.
“Wow, you must really like flying,” Fluttershy said, smiling.
I floated there next to her as I caught my breath. I had never flown so much before at one time, and I was finding it hard to keep up with myself.
“Say, why don't we continue? I feel pretty tired, I might need to land soon,” I said, still panting.
“Okay, Ponyville isn't far now,” Fluttershy said, pointing with a hoof.
I squinted in the direction she was pointing. Faintly I could see a small town in the distance now. There was Ponyville at last.
“Alrighty then,” I began, “Let's go meet Twilight.”
5765843 Well then, while I have actually run out of time to chat, I have uploaded chapter 2. Other than that, I now have to write a paper for English Comp, woo hoo. I will see if I can contact you tomorrow. Thank you.
5766413
Wow, let me tell you that this story is so much better than the poor quality version of it you posted long time ago! But even the greatest stories have their flaws, unless you're a Writing God.
Also, before I start, I'll like to state that all my stories are based on Third Person Limited Omniscient View, while yours is First Person View. Thus I am not a professional on First Person story errors.
I'll start with some constructive criticism, first on my list is that you tend to overuse the gender pronoun of 'She' and possibly 'He' in the future. Now, this is not necessarily a bad thing, but it a small error that gets very repetitive very quickly. I recommend replacing the pronoun with the character's name, or substitute with any titles the character has. This also goes the opposite way however, as repeating the character's name over and over can get old. Sometimes, if the conversation is between two individuals, it is not necessary to state 'Who says what'.
For example, toward the end of Chapter 2, this conversation could have been like this.
Alas, you also tend to use comma's many times for present tense actions during a dialogue. Instead of using a comma, you could use a conjunction of 'As', 'When', and 'While'.
Example:
Original
With Conjunction Usage
Also, like the first comment on the story, you have too few explanations. And there really isn't anything... Hooking us to the story itself. However, you still have a good three chapters to hook a reader in. The first five chapters I usually refer to as 'Hooks', as they are the introduction to the story in which brings in loyal readers. These are the chapters in which you have to really give the readers a reason to follow it.
Ha, I could speak more. But I think I'm taking too much space in this review already! I wish you luck, I shall follow to watch your progress. Give some other Dragon Ball Z stories a try in Equestrian Saiyans group, I know you've been there before.
5770926 Thank you, so very, very much for reviewing and commenting! Isn't it strange that I spend nearly 3 years not writing a thing and, starting a month ago, I churn out this greatly improved thing (I did go back and look one day to see what my story looked like and was shocked at how bad it was, what was I thinking? How could I let that be)? So weird. I understand the wearing down of "He" and "She" as well as overusing names, so I will keep that in mind and see how much further I can polish this up.
Also, I can see what you mean with the commas and all, its a bit tricky and I haven't done much research on it, but I will now. Seems like a good time to reread EZNs guide. And finally, pertaining to the story...
Yes, I admit, looking back over it all, there isn't much going on at the beginning. It's more of a following of a characters mishap, so I can see that I need to add something interesting to draw a reader in. Things get good around the 4th chapter as far as a DBZ fan may be concerned, since it's the first action scene. Nothing fantastic, just a little bit of... Action, plain and simple. In the old story there is a lot of unnecessary, stupid, filler chapters, ironically, (filler chapters in a crossover where a certain show is known for filler? Impossible!) that bloat the story and drag it down.
I am serious about this rewrite and this time around I'm doing everything I can to make it considerably, substantially better. With that in mind, I will fix what I can, edit things that need it, and keep up the effort. Speaking of effort, I counted nearly 7 hours working on chapter 4 lol, or, maybe that was the sleep deprivation? All in all, my intention is to entertain. If I cannot entertain, then I have failed, and I refuse to fail again. I have made my mistakes in the past and I have learned from them, and I am prepared to show what I have learned. I will do my best.
Your generous comment and extensive review is immensely valued and appreciated, I thank you very much for your time!