A shitty writer who has given up entirely. Considering writing clop instead. Incapable of writing deep, meaningful stories or funny and entertaining stories. Finally on anti-depressants.
On summer break, 17 year old Dako, a saiyan raised on Earth, is grabbed by a tornado in a freak storm. Upon waking he finds himself in the land of Equestria. Dako now leads a new free life with Fluttershy. Until one day a powerful enemy threatens his home, and Dako must prove himself by saving the day. But can he, despite never fully using his powers? It's up to him and his new friends to prove he has what it takes to earn the title, "Hero".
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Well, in all honesty, it wasn't a bad story... but it wasn't real good either. Your grammar and punctuation were fine, your spelling spot-on, and your wording seemed to flow really well. However, I feel like you're trying to do too many things at once and it could have been much better in terms of dramatic reveal. I liked the story, I really did, but I just feel like it has potential to be so much better.
I'm not trying to sound overly critical (I don't think I'm a good writer at all honestly) but you kinda just threw the story right into the thick of it and explained everything without explaining anything (If that makes sense).
I could be wrong about all this, I just feel like you are a good author, and this is a good story, but you have the potential to be so much better. I'd be happy to P.M. or Skype with you and tell you what I mean if you wanted.
Honestly I just hate to see good talent go to waste.
5765790
Thank you so very much, in ways I cannot express here in a simple comment, this is exactly the feedback I've needed. I will take you up on your offer to Skype, but I cannot do that right at this moment. I will PM you when I have the chance.
Now, onto the story. Yes, it's got a lot going on. I've taken a lot of time to try and refine it and polish it (if you think this is decent, you should've seen the garbage 3 year old version of this first chapter, it'd make your eyes water and make you want to vomit). However, I know it can be done even better, but at that point I still lack the practice to get it where I want, but I won't give up here after coming so far. I think I understand what you mean by dramatic reveal, I am entirely too casual I know. Before I get carried away here, I appreciate your feedback and look forward to more. Thank you for your time.
5765832 It's no problem at all (I was worried I sounded like an asshole) I just really want to help you because this could really be great, but we'll talk about that when you P.M me.
5765843 Well then, while I have actually run out of time to chat, I have uploaded chapter 2. Other than that, I now have to write a paper for English Comp, woo hoo. I will see if I can contact you tomorrow. Thank you.
5766413
Wow, let me tell you that this story is so much better than the poor quality version of it you posted long time ago! But even the greatest stories have their flaws, unless you're a Writing God.
Also, before I start, I'll like to state that all my stories are based on Third Person Limited Omniscient View, while yours is First Person View. Thus I am not a professional on First Person story errors.
I'll start with some constructive criticism, first on my list is that you tend to overuse the gender pronoun of 'She' and possibly 'He' in the future. Now, this is not necessarily a bad thing, but it a small error that gets very repetitive very quickly. I recommend replacing the pronoun with the character's name, or substitute with any titles the character has. This also goes the opposite way however, as repeating the character's name over and over can get old. Sometimes, if the conversation is between two individuals, it is not necessary to state 'Who says what'.
For example, toward the end of Chapter 2, this conversation could have been like this.
Alas, you also tend to use comma's many times for present tense actions during a dialogue. Instead of using a comma, you could use a conjunction of 'As', 'When', and 'While'.
Example:
Original
With Conjunction Usage
Also, like the first comment on the story, you have too few explanations. And there really isn't anything... Hooking us to the story itself. However, you still have a good three chapters to hook a reader in. The first five chapters I usually refer to as 'Hooks', as they are the introduction to the story in which brings in loyal readers. These are the chapters in which you have to really give the readers a reason to follow it.
Ha, I could speak more. But I think I'm taking too much space in this review already! I wish you luck, I shall follow to watch your progress. Give some other Dragon Ball Z stories a try in Equestrian Saiyans group, I know you've been there before.
5770926 Thank you, so very, very much for reviewing and commenting! Isn't it strange that I spend nearly 3 years not writing a thing and, starting a month ago, I churn out this greatly improved thing (I did go back and look one day to see what my story looked like and was shocked at how bad it was, what was I thinking? How could I let that be)? So weird. I understand the wearing down of "He" and "She" as well as overusing names, so I will keep that in mind and see how much further I can polish this up.
Also, I can see what you mean with the commas and all, its a bit tricky and I haven't done much research on it, but I will now. Seems like a good time to reread EZNs guide. And finally, pertaining to the story...
Yes, I admit, looking back over it all, there isn't much going on at the beginning. It's more of a following of a characters mishap, so I can see that I need to add something interesting to draw a reader in. Things get good around the 4th chapter as far as a DBZ fan may be concerned, since it's the first action scene. Nothing fantastic, just a little bit of... Action, plain and simple. In the old story there is a lot of unnecessary, stupid, filler chapters, ironically, (filler chapters in a crossover where a certain show is known for filler? Impossible!) that bloat the story and drag it down.
I am serious about this rewrite and this time around I'm doing everything I can to make it considerably, substantially better. With that in mind, I will fix what I can, edit things that need it, and keep up the effort. Speaking of effort, I counted nearly 7 hours working on chapter 4 lol, or, maybe that was the sleep deprivation? All in all, my intention is to entertain. If I cannot entertain, then I have failed, and I refuse to fail again. I have made my mistakes in the past and I have learned from them, and I am prepared to show what I have learned. I will do my best.
Your generous comment and extensive review is immensely valued and appreciated, I thank you very much for your time!
So I'm still reading, but a few paragraphs in and i can see a few things that bug me; keep in mind this is my take, not law haha.
First and foremost, any mention of the show inside the universe where those people exist is very My Little Dashie-esque. To me, that's not a good thing, because it immediately shatters any illusion of this being a possible reality. Itslike inadvertently breaking the 4th wall, which isn't always bad, but I don't think this is the way to do so.
Next, this isn't a movie with a time limit, so take some more time to build your character up; have some scenes where he's doing things like discovering his abilities, have some reactions by himself or other characters as well while this is going on. Also, give some more insight on your character during these times. Is he surprised, scared? What's his thought process when he first did his kamehameha? Stuff like that. Help readers get more attached to him with more than a general description of things passed.
And reading farther, I kinda feel some of the characters are a bit..bland? There are bits that are good, but mostly, at least that I can see:
"Its not even poetic; its like they're shouting tactical advice to each other." -JonTron
I'm not trying to sound like an ass, I do like the idea you have :) but its real potential is hidden. Maybe I'll take the story to Elder Kai? Haha
Keep it up man! You can make this work.
5800371 Sorry about the late reply as I have been very busy with school work, but I find it funny that you said, "Next, this isn't a movie with a time limit..." because I originally wrote this to have the tone and feel of a movie lol, not really a good thing honestly. However, you are right about character development, I have a lot of things I can/will/need to add but I have planned to build that over the next couple of chapters with Dako "flashing back" to events on Earth or even telling some more about himself to Twilight, but this too seems to be a bad idea. Really, if I want anything to stick I should probably include it all in the beginning, but if you know where you'd like to see these improvements and changes I would greatly appreciate it.
5867792 when r u going to add the other chapters