The Suit, The Umbrella, And The Mare

by Wangan

Hearing Like I'm Deaf

When awareness came back to me, it shot through my body like a punch to the gut. I half expect to wake up tied to a chair, with about several burly men standing guard around me. You can imagine how relieved I was to find I was still in the car.

Severely rattled and with my heart practically tap dancing in my chest, I lift my hand to wipe my sweat before it hits my eyes and what meets my gaze are stripes. Black and white fur to be specific, is in the place of my peach skin and as I stare at that I slowly realize that my nose is longer, not only that, but it’s the same color as my hand.

I catch a look of myself in the rear view mirror and, I'm not ashamed to say, I screamed. What looks back at me, it’s face mimicking the horror I felt, is a horse woman. No, not just a horse woman, a zebra horse woman. My once blonde hair was now black as night and my eyes were no longer brown but a bright blood red.

As I try to process this, I get the sensation something is wrong with my feet. I can’t feel my toes through my shoes, in fact, my feet feel altogether shorter than they should. My knees don’t even feel right. If I didn’t know any better they’re broken or, at the very least, swollen. I bend my leg under me, expecting at any moment I was about to feel an incredible amount of pain.

Instead, I feel nothing but my knee bending the way it should. I look below the steering wheel and see my feet, or rather where my feet should be. They just stop, coming to an abrupt end, my oxfords now some odd blend between a slipper, boot, and stocking with laces that come to my ankles.

Releasing a breath, I slumped back into my chair. I can't panic now. I can't afford it. I was somewhere and, for all I knew, had a concussion. That was most likely considering what I was hallucinating right now, so taking a nap or panicking was a very bad idea. I quickly tapped on my GPS screen that doubled as panel for the useful gadgets on the car.

This Bentley was a fast ride even before Kingsman got their hands on it. Then it was tuned to make quick escapes in style after taking off the electronic limiter along with adding a few more...special features.

The screen loaded as it powered up...then went blank. I can't help the sigh that leaves my mouth. I'm on a rural road. Guess I shouldn't have expected to get a signal here. Radio's probably out of the question too.

With a sigh, I turned off the GPS and quickly got out of the car to scan my surroundings.
It was now that I realized, I was not only on a dirt road but in a forest and what I thought was a dirt road was nothing but what I could barely call a trail. I blink, the landscape remains. Hell, I'm pretty sure I'm no longer in Europe right now. And if I was... I catch my reflection in the glass. If I was then I would be freakshow of the year.

I made for the trunk, my stomach complaining all the way. I have difficulty walking at first-not from my stomach but from my...hooves?-I have to adjust my balance in a way I've never done before. It's like walking in high heels with the heel removed.

Once I manage to get a decent walk down, I pop open the trunk and give the emergency release tab a pull. What follows is a hydraulic hiss from the false bottom and side panels as they slide open. Every Kingsman vehicle has an armory for use in emergencies and I think this qualified as one. When the panels opened I took stock of what I had.

Two standard pistols with twenty spare clips (10 shots per)
Twenty shotgun shells. (Five each of the four types)
One sniper rifle with five spare clips. (Five shots per)
Two umbrellas.
Two extra pairs of glasses...which looked significantly wider than before.
Five lighters.
One flask.
One wallet.
One spare watch.
And finally a key ring.

Consider me floored, Merlin had stocked me well for my mission. Unusual for such a short term thing. Maybe I was supposed to share with Eggsy or something or maybe he believes in being prepared. Quickly, I undid my suit and holstered one of the pistols under my arm, checking the chamber to see if it was loaded. It was. Two extra clips went into my pocket. Next came the lighter. I was careful with it as I tucked it in my pocket. It had safeties but there was no such thing as being too careful with a grenade.

The last thing I picked up was the umbrella. I spun it in my hand, my usual ritual to test the weight, closed the trunk and get back into the car. As I start the car, it hits me that I only have one choice on the direction to go. Forward. East, if the sun is any indication. With dense brush on each side, road's far too narrow to do even a three point turn, much less a U-turn.

That and a Bentley has no business being on a dirt road.

I winced as the undercarriage scraped when I let off the clutch.

Slowly I drive, trying not to hiss at the bumps and almost painful sounding scraping over bumps and dips in the trail. I top no more that five mph, and even that's pushing it. It takes almost an hour for me to reach to edge of the forest. The path eventually lead to a clearing to what looked like what was hopefully the edge of the forest.

And that's when things go wrong.

Again.

The car comes to such a sudden stop that I nearly slam my head into the dash. I take a few seconds to recover before I get out to see the what just brought me up short.

The front right wheel is wedged perfectly in a ditch deep enough for the right quarter panel to touch the ground. No damage though. Lucky for me. The last thing I need is broken axel. In the midst of my frustration, I feel something brush against my leg. I look behind meoh fuck, I have a tail. I reach around, grab it, and give it a tug. Okay, that is very well attached to me.

Great. I'm lost. Out of contact. Hallucinating. (Maybe?) And....

And I need a tow truck.

I'm screwed five ways to Sunday, aren't I? And God hasn’t even been considerate to give me some lube first.

My eyes scan down the road. Just behind a ridge, I could make out some sort of village. For a distance it was a few thatched roofs and nothing more. I tried to take in the sights of my new surroundings, because by this point I know I'm nowhere near Italy or and rural area in Europe that I've ever seen. In fact, I'm not even sure what continent I'm on. Everything is so...natural. Untainted. That is what's bothering me. My car is stuck just off what could've been a hiking trail and I haven't seen a single piece of litter anywhere.

The town is far too close for this to be a protected area and, now that I'm looking, this well traveled road doesn't have any litter either.

The walk to the town was luckily an uneventful one but when I finally entered into it's outskirts, it was as informative as it was unsettling.

First, the town itself was very quaint. Being a girl from the south I could notice a small town when I saw it and this was the perfect example of it. Well, if it was circa 1800s. Styled in the past as seen by a cartoon. Yeah, cartoon was an apt description. There was rarely a building that didn’t have pink on it.

In the back of my mind, I find it ironic actually.

Lanval, the knight was seduced by a fairy, and here I am now, in a fairytale village as seen by a five year old girl.

Second, I can’t read a single sign. Everyone of them are written in this blend between hieroglyphics and English that flowed together like the smoothest cursive. What I think is a ‘U’ would be a horseshoe on closer inspection. I couldn’t tell a store sign from a restaurant. The only thing I'm sure of is that there is a farmers market a little ways ahead if the stalls are any indication.

Third, and this is the most important fact, there are horse-people everywhere! Some that I thought were birds were flying with wings, some levitating things, all various colors, but all of them horse people. Not a single human being anywhere. “What… the… fuck.” I hear myself say as I examine those around me.

Forget Sunday. My ass is grass until New Years Eve. Forget about trembling, I’m shivering right now.

I’m not hallucinating.

I…

I need to go.

Yeah, go back to the car. Curl up into the fetal position in the backseat and have a quiet psychological episode in the smoothness of rich leather.

I turn slowly to leave the way I came and suddenly blue eyes and pink, a whole lot of it, pop right in front of me.

“Hae! Ya'oi doiln mi-”

In that moment, three things occurred to me.

One, I had no idea what the fuck this pink horse woman was saying.

Two, she was far too close for comfort.

And three, my fist was heading towards her face.

I caught myself and stopped my swing before it struck her, maybe half a foot from her face. I try to withdraw my fist down before anyone sees but the gasps from the horse-people around us tell me I’ve failed..

Pink’s eyes widened, clearly aware of her current predicament as I’m suddenly aware of mine.

I’m not human anymore. I have no idea where I am. I can’t read any of the languages and I can’t understand what they’re saying.

And to add the rotten cherry on this big heaping slice of shit pie on the table that is this situation, I’ve just threatened a citizen. My stomach gives a painful lurch.

I think. For all I know this woman could be some off duty law enforcement officer.

The pink girl takes a step back, from her expression she’s clearly shaken. Okay, maybe not law enforcement. At this point the street has gone still. Everyone and I mean everyone is staring at me. I should get going before the actual police are called.

I turn to walk past the pink horse girl when a blue horse woman with wings and short cut rainbow colored hair in a...jogging track suit of some kind comes right out of the sky and lands right in front of me.

And she’s not happy if the expression is anything to go by.

“Wyen nyi moirg zel nyen? Wisi ha'oi ema'oin na' yaen Paetgaei?” She growls. Definitely not happy, that is an aggressive tone if I’ve ever heard it. That and one of her hard fingertips was currently trying to crack through my chest. I try to walk past her and she pivots just enough to block my way again in response. “Ya'oi'si ta'n ka'aetk ethzyisi, moilnis!!”

It doesn’t make blue happy, I see her frown deepen as she glares at me and her hands curl into fists. This is bad. I’m in no condition to fight right now. Even if it wanted to. I don’t. I want to know where the hell I am. I want to know what the fuck I’ve turned into. As these thoughts run around in my head, I feel a vice squeeze my chest. I need to get the hell out of here. What am I? Where am I? What am I? Where am I? What am I? Where am I?What am I?What am?Wheream?Wherewhat?Wherewhatwherewhat?

I don’t realize I am breathing hard until I feel my chest getting tight. Only the tightness is followed by my stomach doing somersaults and I heave.

I need to get the hell out of here.

I push my way past her and her shout of outrage is followed by a blue hand gripping my shoulder. HARD.

This time I can’t stop myself. I turn and my fist knifes through the air between us. My training takes over halfway through and I really step in to the blow, following through right before it sinks into her face.

Blue falls. I run.

Author's Note:

If any of you want to know what the anthro ponies look like click this link or just use your imagination.

Oh and here is Lanval's car.

Hopefully, I can make these chapters longer in the future.

Comments

[nightwalker]

The language barrier was a nice twist. I look forward to seeing how that's resolved. Personally, if you're not going for a universal translation spell, Michael Crichton had a good way in Eaters of the Dead where translated words would appear in the dialogue as the protagonist learned more of the language. It's something I always found cool but never see used.

[Wangan]

5758475 Interesting. I'll look it up.

[nightwalker]

5758900
For the quick version you can check the movie. They did pretty much the same thing with the spoken dialogue in that.

[Illumipony]

Relevant

[Wangan]

5788153 I should have expected you'd like this scene.