Though she had entered the Guildhall of Djeeneigh many a time in her eternal life, Princess Luna had rarely heard as much of an uproar as she did today.
She regarded the ocean of robed mares and stallions: mages were still pouring into the hall, the usual groups of friends and allies started to form around her, others roamed around uncertainly to different groups. Luna sighed, even when something as serious as what had transpired today had happened, these ponies could not stand united.
Meets like this were usually dignified affairs, however until the administrator called them to order, the mages seemed to mill around in the centre. As Luna heard the conversations, the guildhall seemed to amplify the sound, especially when somepony raised their voices.
However, the effect was not magical, as non-magical ponies often assumed. It was the unintended side effect of the building being converted into a gathering hall. The building they were standing in was the first building that the mages had built when their order was formed thousands of years ago. It originally had rooms for both mages and their charges, as well as rooms for meetings and lessons. However as more apprentices were accepted, the order had created more buildings to accommodate them. They didn’t want to destroy their first home however, so to keep the building in use, they removed the internal walls and added seating. Ever since this change, every acceptance ceremony, guild meeting, hearing, and graduation ceremony had taken place inside this hall.
Two figures, wearing a white cloak and a purple cloak respectively, made their way through the crowd, with the mages giving the figure a weird berth out of respect. As the figures looked up to the head of the hall, Luna caught their expression and smiled, seeing that it was her sister and her fellow princess, Celestia and Twilight Sparkle. The royal pony sisters were in Djeeneigh on tour of their kingdom, overseeing the outskirts of the Equestrian Empire. Unfortunately, Princess Cadance could not be there to join because she and Shining Armor had business to attend with in the Crystal Empire.
“Hello there, my dear sister,” Celestia said as she and Twilight took their seats at the head of the hall. “How did it go?”
“What did the administrator say?” Twilight asked, her inquisitive mind hungry for information.
“Nothing,” Luna said, “The administrator asked me to describe what happened. It appears that Bright Spark was the only one who saw him.”
“Lucky for him,” Celestia said,
Suddenly, a bell rang out above the conversations of the mages and the guild administrator’s amplified voice echoed around the hall.
“Will all mages please take your seats.”
Behind the mages, the massive doors of the hall slammed closed, making sure no one would disturb the meeting. The mages were also excited by the company they were keeping today, for not only were the higher magicians and administrators in attendance, but the royal pony sisters were in the special booth that was constructed for them when Djeeneigh became apart of Equestria. It was placed on the same level as the highest seats in the hall, which were ranked in tiers of importance. At the centre of the highest row, there stood a large chair embellished with gold with the seal of Djeeneigh: a stylized bird of prey. What struck most people in the hall was that King Silver Axe was in attendance, along with his two advisers.
“So, King Silver Axe is here. Interesting,” Celestia commented.
“Why is that?” Twilight asked.
“The Silver royal family have rarely ever seen meets of the guild as ‘important enough’ for their attendance,” Luna said, “But, if Silver Axe is here, that means that they consider this an extremely important matter.”
“I see,” Twilight said, “Still, all this for one foal?”
“Indeed, he has caused quite a fuss hasn’t he?” a voice said.
The trio turned to see their guide of the order, the mare Bright Spark, joining the princesses in booth. “I see that Obsidian Sword isn’t here, but his followers are.”
Celestia and Luna couldn’t help, but smile at Bright Spark. While they did not approve of hatred Bright Spark had for Obsidian, they couldn’t deny the mare’s feelings. Obsidian Sword’s officious attitude did not endear itself well to many. In a way, it almost reminded her of the attitude her nephew had.
“According to the healers report,” Luna said “the blow to the head had caused not only significant injury, but also confusion and agitation. So, they felt it was required that he be sedated.”
“He’s asleep!” Bright said, choking back laughter. “When he finds out he’s missed the meeting, he is going to be furious.”
“As you can imagine, the administrator was most disappointed that Obsidian could not give his version of events.”
Bright Spark choked back more laughter. Looking across the hall, the princesses could see that there was only one pony standing now. The newly appointed administrator of the order, Lord Soulful Tale.
Soulful’s expression was more grave than usual. After giving it some thought, Luna realised that this was the first crisis that Soulful Tale would have to deal with since taking up the mantle of administrator. Other mages had commented that he was good with everyday situations, but there were more than a few mages in the crowd who were wondering how the new administrator would handle this crisis.
“This meet has been called today so that we may discuss the events that happened in the North Quarter this morning,” Soulful began. “The killing of an innocent and the existence of a unicorn that is beyond our control. These issues are of the most serious nature. To begin, we will discuss the most serious of the two matters. I call upon Bright Spark who was witness to these events to speak.”
Bright Spark paused to consider her words before standing. Though she had been here many times before, she had never been called upon to speak. Her sister had told just beforehand that if she was called upon as a witness, be precise and avoid elaboration unless asked to.
“I arrived in the North Quarter this morning and found the other mages already in place,” Bright Spark started, “ I took my position behind them. Some of the youths that we came across starting throwing stones, but they bounced off the shield so the other mages ignored them.” Looking around the hall, she could see all eyes upon her, including King Silver Axe who was listening intently.
“Next, there was a flash of yellow light in the corner of my eye and I felt a disturbance in the shield. Before I had time to react, it struck Obsidian Sword in the temple, upon which he stumbled and fell unconscious. I managed to catch him with my magic and made sure he was safely lowered to the ground. Then, while the others went to assist Obsidian, I searched for the stone’s thrower.
“I saw that, while most of the youths were either confused or surprised, one particular young colt was staring in utter amazement, looking rather fidgety. I lost sight of him when the others arrived but when they could not find him, they asked me to point him out”
Bright Spark shook her head, not wanting to remember this next part. “Unfortunately, when I did point him out, they believed I was pointing to the colt that was standing next to him and…. and they retaliated.”
Soulful Tale raised his hoof and gestured for Bright Spark to stop. He looked along a row of magicians before his eyes set upon Lord Magic Shield, the head of warriors.
“Lord Magic Shield, what have you ascertained from questioning those involved?”
The red robed unicorn stood up. “All nineteen unicorns involved believed that it was one of the older colts in the crowd was the attacker. They thought it unlikely that a foal could wield that power. Each of them wished only to stun the colt, not harm him. Judging by the power of the blasts as described by witnesses, I believe that this is true. In conclusion, I believe that the stun strikes all joined to become a unfocused fire blast. This is what killed the colt.”
The memory of the smouldering colt flashed across Bright’s mind. Sickened, she looked down on the floor. Even had the strikes not combined, the battering from the nineteen stunstrikes would have shocked the colts body excessively. She could not help but feel responsible. If only she had reacted quicker, before the others had reacted…
Bright felt a hoof on her shoulder and looked up to see Celestia, softly smiling. It was almost as if Celestia was silently saying that it wasn’t her fault; that no matter what, she was going to be there for her.
Even though Djeeneigh was a part of Equestria, the discussions of their joining the empire allowed the royal family to keep control of policies which affected Djeeneigh. At first, Celestia and Luna thought this was fair, the other parts of Equestria were allowed to govern themselves so it only seemed fair. This had been until they found out what the expulsions were. In most of Equestria Earth Ponies, Pegasi and Unicorns lived together in harmony but in Djeeneigh, the amount of hatred and racism from Unicorns towards Earth Ponies and Pegasi reminded them of a more one sided version of the Hearth's Warming Eve story. The amount of classism and tribalism shown by Djeeneigh was sickening to them.
So here they were, after many reports of this, hoping against hope that these were wrong. But after seeing the actions of this day, here they sat, furious at both Djeeneigh and themselves for letting this happen.
“This raises some difficult questions,” Soulful said. “The general public are unlikely to believe us if we said we simply made a mistake. An apology is not going to be enough. An attempt of reparation must be made. I say that we should compensate the family.”
Several of the higher mages nodded, and the three princesses could see a general nodding of approval throughout the crowd.
“If they can be found,” one of the higher mages noted.
“Even so,” Soulful said, “I fear that compensation is not going to be enough to repair the damage that our reputation has taken.” Soulful’s face set into a frown. “How can we regain to trust and respect of the populace?”
A murmur started to spread throughout the gathered ponies, until a voice called out: “Compensation is enough.”
“Give it time - Ponies will forget.” said another.
“We’ve done all we can.”
And at the edge of the princesses earshot, “-just a slum colt, who cares?”
Celestia looked to her side and saw Bright Spark, clearly repressing much anger. She placed a hoof on Bright Spark, who looked up at her ruler and started breathing deeper and calming herself down, but Celestia could not blame Bright Spark for her anger. The order existed by law to protect others - and that law made no distinction between nobility and the gentry.
“There is little in what we can do,” Lord Magic Shield said. “The Nobility will accept the colt’s death as an accident, the rest of the population will not. I seriously doubt that anything we do at this point will appease them.”
Soulful Tale looked towards the other high mages, who all nodded in agreement.
“Very well,” he said. “We will review this matter at the next meet, when enough time has passed in order for us to properly gauge the depth of this tragedy and its effect on the populace.” He took a deep breath, in a way wiping his mind of the matter so he could focus on the new task. “Now on the second matter: the rogue unicorn. Is there any amongst us today, other than Bright Spark, that saw this unicorn, or witness him throw the stone?”
Silence followed. From her viewpoint on the balcony, Twilight could see Soulful frowning. It was her first time seeing a guild meeting in Djeeneigh so she took the opportunity to learn as much as she could. Celestia had told her beforehoof that the discussion was often dominated by the three heads of the disciplines: Lady Spring Leaf, Lord Magic Shield and Lord Platinum Hex. Lady Spring Leaf, head of the healers, was a practical and stern mare, but could be surprising compassionate and always had a soft spot for foals. The robust Lord Magic Shield was an observant stallion, who was careful in hearing out all sides to an issue, but once his mind was made up he never changed it. Lord Platinum Hex, the head of alchemy, was the oldest of the heads. With this age came experience in dealing with issues, he could be harsh in his decisions, however he always recognised other ponies claims as valid.
Even though these ponies seemed reasonable, the fact that they were almost casually talking about the death of the colt was so sickening, she wanted to leave the room. The course of action was clear, they had to be some way to change that and if this foal could be the catalyst of that, then she would do all she can to help him.
It was these higher mages that Soulful Tale was now addressing. “We must begin by examining the facts that were confirmed by the witnesses. Let there be no doubt in any pony's mind that, as impossible as it sounds, a mere stone broke through the barrier. Lord Magic Shield, how did this happen?”
The warrior pony shrugged. “The shield used to repel the stones was a weak one. Strong enough to stop missiles, but not magic. What is clear however is that from the yellow light and from the disturbance felt by those holding up the barrier that magic was used. That being said, magic like that must be made for that specific purpose. I believe that the attacker used a strike - a simple one - to break through the barrier.”
“To conceal the strike, perhaps?” Lord Platinum Hex suggested. “If the mages had seen the strike coming, there would have been time to strengthen the shield.”
“That is a possibility,” Magic Shield said, “However, I believe that the strike was only meant to pass through the shield. If the attacker’s intent had been malicious, Obsidian Sword would have suffered more than just a bruised temple.”
“Perhaps it was just a demonstration - a showing of defiance maybe,” Magic Shield replied.
Platinum Hex frowned at the notion while Bright Spark shook her head. Catching the movement, Magic Shield looked up and smiled. “Do you disagree, Bright Spark?”
“He did not expect to do anything at all,” Bright Spark said. “By his expression and actions, it was clear that he was just as surprised as anypony else. I choose to believe that he’s untrained.”
“Impossible,” Platinum Hex said, shaking his head. “Somepony had to have shown him how to do it or to release his powers.”
“And trained him to control them, we hope,” Spring Leaf said. “Otherwise, we have a serious problem of a different kind.”
Almost immediately, the hall descended into crowded whispers of speculation. Soulful lifted his hoof and the crowd hushed.
“When Bright Spark told about what transpired, I called upon Lord Scroll Scribe to see if, in his studies of the order’s history, there any records of mages whose powers had developed without assistance.” Soulful Tale sighed, a grave expression passed his face. “It seems that the original assumption that a mage can only be taught to be or released by another mage was wrong."
All eyes turned to Scroll Scribe, who was an aged unicorn, as he stood up and bowed to the high magicians and the royals assembled.
“Until 500 years ago,” the old stallion began, “A mare or stallion seeking to learn magic would approach an individual mage for apprenticeship. They were tested and chosen based on the strength of their magic and how they could pay. Because of this tradition, some apprentices were already into their adults years before they began their training, as it could take long years of work, or a generous inheritance, before they were able to pay for training.
“Sometimes, however, a young mare or stallion would appear whose powers were already ‘loosed’, as they termed it in those days. Those ponies were never turned away for two basic reasons: firstly, their powers were always incredibly strong and secondly, they had to be taught control.” The old stallion took a deep breath before speaking again. “We already know what happens to novices who are unable to master control. If this foal can unlock his power without help, we should expect him to be more powerful than an average child, possibly more powerful than the average unicorn. If he is not found and taught control, he will be a considerable threat to the city.”
A short silence followed, followed by whispers of considerable alarm.
“If his powers indeed surfaced on their own,” Magic Shield added.
The old stallion nodded. “There is a chance, of course, that he has been trained by somepony.”
“Then we must find him - and those who taught him.” a voice declared,
The hall filled with discussion before Soulful Tale silenced them all. “If he is a rogue, then we are duty bound and law bound to bring him and his teachers before the king. If his powers are natural, we must teach him control. Either way, he must be found.”
“How?” a voice called.
“A systematic search of the slums, following every street, opening every door and leaving no place unlooked.” He looked up at King Silver Axe. “Your Majesty, we will need assistance.”
Soulful Tale frowned before follow the gaze of the warrior to the king “The guild formally requests the assistance of the city guard.”
The king glanced at both of his advisors, who both nodded.
“Request granted,” King Silver Axe said.
“We should begin as soon as possible,” Magic Shield said, “Tonight, if at all possible.”
“If we want the guard’s assistance, then it will take more time to organise. I suggest that we start tomorrow morning,” said Soulful Tale.
“What of classes?” a voice called.
Soulful Tale looked to the high mage on his left. “I think an extra day of private study will not affect the novice's progress?”
“One day will not make a difference,” said the sour faced director of the school, a pony named Guiding Principle, “But will we be able to find this foal in a day?”
Soulful mulled that thought over for a moment before speaking again. “If we cannot find him, then we shall hold another meet tomorrow evening to discuss who will continue the search.”
“If I might make a suggestion, Lord Soulful Tale.”
All heads turned to see Bright Spark standing up to speak.
“Lady Bright Spark, you may speak.”
“The slum ponies are sure to hamper our search efforts, not to mention that the foal will not come to us willingly, he saw what happened in the North Quarter and will avoid us at all costs. I suggest that the search party goes in disguise in order to increase our chances of finding this foal.”
Soulful leaned forward, as if intrigued but also confused by Bright Spark’s idea.
“An interesting idea, Lady Bright Spark. What disguises would you suggest?”
“The less conspicuous we are, the more likely we will not be discovered as mages. I’d suggest some of us dress as they do. They may be able to tell us that we are mages when we speak, but-”
“Absolutely not!” growled Magic Shield. “How would it be if one of us was discovered dressed as a grovelling beggar? We would be ridiculed throughout Equestria.”
Several voices rose in agreement and Soulful Tale nodded slowly.
“I agree. We, as mages, have authority to enter any house in the city. Our search will be hampered if we do not wear robes.”
“How will we know what we are looking for?” asked Spring Leaf.
Soulful looked at Bright Spark “Lady Bright Spark, can you remember what he looked like?”
Bright Spark nodded. She closed her eyes and called up the memory of the small, scared and skinny foal with the thin face. She then lit up her horn and in the air before her a glow appeared and quickly sharpened to form a slightly transparent face. As her memory filled in the rest, the rough cloak appeared and the scarf that fell from his head appeared at the bottom. The illusion completed, Luna looked to the higher mages.
“That’s who attacked us?” Magic Shield said, shocked by the image. “Look at him! He looks like he just came out of the cradle.”
“Big things can come in small packages,” Platinum Hex replied.
“What if this is not the attacker?” Guiding Principle asked. “What if Bright Spark is wrong?”
Soulful Tale looked at Luna. “For now, we shall assume that Bright Spark is correct. We will know soon enough if the city gossips agree, and witnesses may be found in the public. Thank you, we no longer need the illusion”
Bright Spark dropped the spell and the illusion disappeared.
“What are we going to do once we find the foal?” Spring Leaf asked.
“If he is a rogue, we will apply the law,” Soulful replied. “If he is not, then we shall teach him control.”
“Of course, but afterwards? What then?”
“I believe the question Lady Spring Leaf is asking is: Should we make him one of us?” Magic Shield said.
At once the hall was filled with voices.
“He attacked one of our own! He should be punished, not rewarded!”
The princesses could see Bright Spark shaking her head as the protests continued. While there was no law forbidding the testing of children from lower classes, the order generally only sought after the children from the houses only.
“The order hasn’t accepted an novice from the lower classes in centuries,” Magic Shield muttered.
“But if Scroll Scribe is correct, he would be a very powerful unicorn,” Spring Leaf said.
“If I may speak,” said a loud voice that got everyone’s attention and every head turned to see Princess Celestia .
“You may, Princess Celestia,” Soulful Tale said.
“Hail Celestia, Princess of the Day,” the hall said in unison.
“Spring Leaf brings up an excellent point,” Celestia said “That this foal is already exceptionally powerful, being able to unleash his powers on his own and use them to break through your shield. It may not have been strong, but he did accomplish it. In my own school, I have seen foals who need months of training to break through simple shields like yours and this foal has done it in one attempt without knowing he could do magic. So I say this: Since you are all dead set to ignore this foal then the moment he learns control, we shall welcome him to Canterlot, to the Imperial Academy. We will organise his further studies and life. Only if he declares his wanting to stay in Djeeneigh shall he remain here. That is my decree.”
Both Luna and Twilight stood up and nodded their heads in agreement with Celestia, while the room started uproaring again. Most claimed that the foal was unworthy of Djeeneigh, let alone Canterlot.
“SILENCE!” King Silver Axe roared and the whole hall crashed into silence. Silver Axe took a deep breath before speaking again. “I see no flaw with the Princess’s reasoning. Once you find this foal and teach him control, the possibilities for apprenticeship of both Djeeneigh and Canterlot will open to him. Before we all turn our backs on this foal, we should give him the chance to prove himself.”
“I agree with His Highness,” Spring Leaf said. “If there is even a small possibility that he will conform to our rules and grow into a respectable stallion, then we should offer him the chance.”
“The further his powers grow, the harder it will be to bind them,” Platinum Hex noted.
“I know, but it's not impossible. Consider how we will be regarded if we take him in. A little generosity and kindness will go a lot further toward redressing the damage we did to our reputation this morning than blocking his powers and sending him back to the slums.”
Magic Shield raised an eyebrow. “True, and it may save us the trouble of a search if we make it known that he will be welcome among us. Once he learns that could become a mage, along with the power and wealth that it entails, it could entice him to come to us.”
“And the loss of that wealth may be all the deterrent he would need to consider returning to any distasteful ways he once had,” Platinum Hex said.
Spring Leaf looked over to Bright Spark. “What do you think, Your Highness?”
Bright Spark looked directly at Spring Leaf. “I was wondering if he would believe anything we said after what he witnessed today.”
Magic Shield’s expression darkened. “Hmmm, I doubt it. We will probably have to capture him and then explain our good intentions.”
“Which means there is little point in us waiting to see if he will come to us,” Soulful Tale said. “The search begins tomorrow as planned.” He looked to the row before him. There was a row reserved for the leader of the guild: High Lord Visionary Mind. The Black robed unicorn had not spoken throughout the whole meet, but that was not unusual. Though Visionary Mind had been known to change the course of a debate with a few words, he generally remained silent.
“High Lord, have you any reason to suspect that there are rogue mages in the slums?”
“No, there are no rogues in the slums,” Visionary Mind said.
Nodding, Soulful turned to face the hall and used magic to make the bell ring.
“The decision whether or not to teach this foal shall be deferred until he is found and his temperament is assessed. For now, we will focus on the task of finding him. The search will begin on the fourth hour tomorrow. Those of you who feel that you have a valid reason to remain with the school, please prepare your request and present it to my assistant tonight. I now declare this meet ended.”
The hall filled with the rustling of robes and the clattering of booted feet. The princesses then made their way down the corridor from their balcony, then another mare walked to Bright Spark and whispered something in her ear before bowing to the princesses and running off.
“She said that Lord Tech Spell wanted the foal punished for attacking his dear friend, Obsidian Sword. I swear that foal couldn’t have hit a nicer mage.”
“Now Bright Spark-” Celestia began
“-and now they got us sorting through the rubbish in the slums,” a voice said across from them.
“I don’t what’s the bigger tragedy: the fact that they hit the colt or that they missed the foal.”
Appalled by this, Celestia turned to see where the speaker down the hall was: an older alchemist who was too busy staring at the floor to notice. Celestia shook her head.
“I was going to lecture you about being uncharitable Bright Spark, but there is little point, is there?”
“No,” Bright Spark agreed, before letting the High Lord Visionary Mind and Administrator Soulful Tale pass.
“What if we do not find him?” Soulful asked
The High lord frowned. “Oh you will find him, one way or another - However, I do get the sense that most of the mages here are still appalled that they have to find this foal. I believe that by tomorrow most will favour the more spectacular and less fragrant alternative.”
Luna sighed whereas Twilight shook her head sadly.
“It seems that we are the only ones who care about what happens to this foal, sister,” Luna said to Celestia.
Bright Spark put a hoof on Luna’s shoulder.
“You are not, Your Highness, but try lecturing the mages down there, who have no idea what life is like down in the slums.”
Fasinating.
The world you're building here has me most intrigued, do continue. It's rare that a fic can hold my attention, I hope it doesn't lose it
5670671 Glad you are enjoying the story, I hope I won't let you down. It really means a lot to me when people say nice things like you do about my work
I really liked the first chapter, but this second one has created some...problems for me.
First off
Luna? Luna 'Royal Canterlot Voice' Luna? Really? Nervousness in some situations is a great way to characterize Luna, such as with interpersonal relations or adjusting to the modern era, but not addressing a crowd in terms of something like this.
Well, now that that minor gripe is done with, let's get on to the meat of the issue.
Why does the city of Djeeneigh, despite existing within Equestria, have such a great disparity of wealth and status? Why is what appears to be rampant tribalism allowed and seemingly tolerated by the Princesses? You've qualified Equestria as an empire, so Djeeneigh having it's own king is fair enough, but what about the little things?
Why does Luna reference an Imperial Academy in Canterlot? We already have a canon establishment dedicated to teaching magic... Celestia's School for Unicorns.
It seems horrifically OOC for all three Princesses, but most especially Celestia and Twilight, to not comment on or attempt to change the rampant issues in Djeeneigh. The fact that Twilight sat around and allowed a debate to occur which included mentions of cold-blooded murder and casual discussion of playing off the fact that a group of unicorns murdered a colt is simply ridiculous. The class-ism and tribalism that could well be displayed in Djeeneigh is fine, but if you're going to bring alicorns into this, you have to give me a reason to believe that they would accept such things for even a second.
Are you telling me that Equestria has no power to threaten changes to Djeeneigh? It is a part of their dominion, but the Princesses accept the tribalism, the violence against the poor, the riots? Luna is perfectly calm about sitting in the middle of a group of unicorn mages who have to place a shield around themselves so that they don't get hit with rocks?! Come on. Is this normal behavior for her? Does she face the same every time she or any unicorn goes out in Canterlot?
Either this needs an AU tag to explain why the Princesses are acting like the societal issues displayed here are normal, or a better reason needs to be given for why they would not be trying to stop this. If Djeeneigh is part of Equestria, I need a really well thought out reason for why something this dark, for lack of a better word, is allowed.
Well, I kind of decided to do this right now, but I am a little rushed. Do forgive me if I'm less talkative than before. I've mostly registered my impressions and corrections as I read along.
- I’d change the first comma with a “:”.
- You could make two sentences with this.
- Not capitalized.
- I think you’re missing a “the” in there.
- Wait what? *looks back to last chapter* “Dark blue mare”… OH! Well, consider one of my previous questions retracted.
- Missed a space between paragraphs.
- Your sentence needs to be rephrased.
- I… What?! WHAT?! This better get a good justification in-character.
- First, this is the first time I come across a number spelled in letters. I approve, but just a few lines above, it’s pure numbers.
- I think the name sunstrike is nice, but somehow, I get the impression you meant “stun strikes”.
- Colt’s, with an apostrophe.
- First, keep the tense consistent. Not only are they talking about the past, but they are talking about the past within the past. Aka, it should be in past tense, and that part should be past perfect. “That had been until they had found out what the expulsions were.”
- In most of Equestria, Earth Ponies…
- “the amount of hatred and racism from Earth Ponies and Pegasi towards Unicorns”
o Hmmmmm… shouldn’t it be the other way around? If one class oppresses the others, they are the one at fault, not the opposite.
- Hearth’s Warming Eve, just like Christmas.
- Why the capital letters for classism and tribalism? Not to mention the “almost” feels superfluous here.
- On one hand, this answers my questions. On the other, it’s an info dump. This one feels less natural than the previous expositions. Not to mention it’s rather lengthy. The run-on sentences don’t help.
- Note the ‘unforunately’ typo.
- I guess it’s a nice sentiment from them, but it certainly does not do much to help.
- I’m just underlining this part, because I think it does everything right. It showcases the elite’s classism, well, naturally with just those few lines. A +.
- You have three instances of present tense out of nowhere.
- The rest is a bit… confused. The first point is direct and necessary. Law is there for everyone, but why does the narration then undermines its own point by reminding the reader of the mages’ bullshit? I don’t think that’s needed.
- The paragraph should focus on one thing. The way it jumps on Twilight does not feel like a smooth transition. It’s abrupt. You should make it clear from the second sentence on that it’s Twilight’s point of view there. Something like… “Silence followed. From her viewpoint on the balcony, Twilight could see Soulful frowning. It was her first time seeing a guild meeting […]”. Just keep it a bit more tightly wrapped.
- One word, otherwise, the rest of that passage is good.
- Oh Twilight. You’re not the only one.
- Also, “that there had”
- Should be pony’s
- Why the capitalized letter?
- I had to laugh. Seriously, what kind of idiot ignores Princess Luna’s opinion to her face? Disregarding offending her, it’s still the kind of expertise that is not common.
- But hey, paranoia is always a winner, right?
- I’m not sure about this phrasing.
- You forgot the closing quotation mark.
- Again, a capitalized letter where it’s not needed.
- Unnecessary comma in the middle.
- Both need not be capitalized, and in the first case, end the dialogue with a comma
- Apostrophe
- Missing a period at the end.
- It should be capitalized like every other instance before.
- Missing a period after “idea”.
- Holy crap! That one is brilliant.
- Someone outlines a plan to increase their chances of success and minimize this ‘threat’ they are worried about… and they rant about appearances?!
- I suppose they really are self-centered to the point of not realizing that there are many other things about them that Equestrians in general would be disgusted with.
- Again, I just really liked reading that one.
- And what came next was just icing on the cake. It’s like reading them being served humble pie. Nice.
- Apostrophe.
- For attacking
- You know.
- Seriously, you capitalize every time you use a : . Don’t.
Okay, that’s more or less it correction wise.
In general though, I think this chapter was pretty nice. It showed us something important. It gave us a good idea at how callous this upper class is. It’s the ‘show’ to the earlier ‘sort-of-tell’. Good. I do not doubt about these guys needing a good dope slap to the back of the head. Alas, politics.
On that subject, while I am a bit disappointed about the lack of intervention from the Princesses, I get that it’s necessary for the plot. Feels at least somewhat out of character, but that might depend on what the princesses will be doing for the rest of the story. I expect things like secret manipulative power grab from Celestia, epic meddling by Luna or private investigator Twilight. That sort of stuff. Still is a bit unpleasant to acknowledge. Now, that is said more as a reader than a reviewer, but hey.
So, yeah, looks like you have a good premise in your hands, I wish you luck for the next chapters.
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With the issue of why the princesses don't entervine is if you read in the first chapter, it says that djeeneh is a territory of sorts not completely a part of eqeustria. So it can be said that djeeneh is in equestria's sphere of influence, which wold would explain why they have some say but can't just barge in demanding things. If it's explained that equestria gains wealth from the city it will set this idea in concrete.
5688855 I really wish that I could understand your comment, but though it has English words, they aren't strung together anywhere near coherency. Ultimately, if Djeeneigh is a city-state, no matter how powerful, if Equestria has any sort of power over it, it is unrealistic to expect that the harmonious Princesses of Equestria would allow rampant tribalism and class warfare.
A couple of edits made to the second chapter attempt to deal with this, and point out that the Princesses don't want war, which is perfectly reasonable at this juncture, but to say Djeeneigh, even if only within the sphere of influence of Equestria, would be allowed with no issue to continue is ridiculous.
5689871 I thought we already talked about this Fool.
I added those new parts into the chapter that gave the explanation.
And both of you please do not start arguing about this.
5689882 Oh yeah, you made good points, and I just noticed the edits. I just wanted to explain to someone not privy to our PMs my way of thought.
Decent chapter. Your writing is slowly becoming more showy, and less telly, which is always good. The interaction between some of the mages and Celestia/Luna seemed a little OOC tbh, as they're the freakin' ultimate arch mages that could end the goddamn world if they so desired, so it's rather hard for me to swallow that they wouldn't take control of the situation more. Still, I understand why you did it, for plot purposes, and thats fine I supposed, but do try and remember that no mage in the entirety of Equestria even comes to close to the four princesses. Theres a reason they're the Princesses after all.
Furthermore, I'm liking the world you're building in Djeeneigh, but I would reccomend trying to stay away from anything too gritty or dark, as it just seems rather contrived to be honest. Try and focus on the class divide more than anything, as I like where your're going with the racism and discrimination between races. Equestria is a happy place most of the time, even in dark fics, and so to reflect that, make it so that the lower class have got it decent enough, but the upper class are living like gods, specifically the snooty nobles.
Good chapter all in all. Keep it up.
After having read the first two chapters I can safely say that this story and the world you are trying to build has potential, but there are a number of issues that make the plot a tad hard to take seriously. I think you are trying a wee bit too hard to present a gritty and stern facade for your setting, which doesn't necessarily make it more "serious" in itself.
If you had presented the city as a bit more mild mannered place as opposed to "rampant racism, yearly expulsions, untrained unicorns being commonly killed by the guard because they can't be bothered" - it would have worked better. As it is, there is no way the princesses wouldn't have shut this place down years ago, by force if necessary.
No, there is no threat of civil war - the inept nobility of one outskirt city of Equestria do not a civil war make, no more than any single city going off the deep end in the USA constitutes a credible civil war - it's called riot control, at best. Or more like a mass police operation to arrest the top circles of a criminal organization.
And yes, Celestia and Luna would do it - they have invaded a foreign neighboring country before to dethrone its despot when he was oppressing the populace (Crystal Empire and Sombra), there is no credibility to the thought that they would tolerate such nonsense within their own borders.
And it's made even easier by the fact that they can do it on their lonesome, they don't even have to mobilize the Guard for it (though I suppose it can't hurt as a show of force - it's not like one city can muster any credible threat against the whole of Equestria - most would surrender outright) - whatever silly force the city can muster doesn't stand a chance against an Alicorn (remember, all pony magic of Equestria plus Discord are roughly equal to the combined power of just the four alicorns) - so frankly this supposed "king", his local council, the city guard and the mage guild would end up in Canterlot's dungeons before the day is over.
Nor would they have allowed Djeeneigh to join Equestria in the first place really, without going over their laws with a fine toothed comb before giving them autonomous governance, coupled with a hooves-on-the-ground inspection from agents of the Crown or one of the Princesses themselves - you just don't randomly accept regions in to your empire, without knowing what the local conditions are.
So ... yeah. The ideas behind the story have potential and it would be interesting to see how the foal's life ends up changing if the princesses do pick him up, but you tried too hard to make it a grim and gritty place where racism is prevalent, the population is being oppressed and "unregistered" unicorns are being killed by the guard because it's less hassle for them, as per the first chapter. If this hellhole and its administrators really were that bad, they would have gone, forcibly, the way of Sombra long ago. With some tweaks and dialing back the nastiness this could make for an excellent setup for a story, but as is now I'm afraid the setting kinda falls apart.
Tone it down a bit, to where things are still pretty bad in the city, but on a level where they deserve a strong reprimand from the princesses, not this craphole where they would be duty, moral and honor bound to have everyone in that meeting room put in chains and pending investigation for their crimes. With that out of the way, you could have a winner on your hands.