"If this foal can unlock his power without help, we should expect him to be more powerful than an average child, possibly more powerful than the average unicorn... he will be a danger to himself and to the city"
Each year the unicorns and nobles of Djeeneigh gather to expel those they believe are beggars, urchins and miscreants. Masters of the disciplines of magic, they know no pony can oppose them, but their protective spells are not as strong as they once thought.
The characters in this story are protected by OCRA
Chapters (3)
Alright, you've got my attention :)
Hmm, an interesting story, but I am not much for gore. Now don't let that deter you from continuing to write it, I think it's actually doing great so far, just not some that sparks my interest to read. I hope you understand. I do hope to see another chapter on your story "Prince of the Sun" as soon as you can manage, but don't rush yourself.
Soul star. I grant you power over the void. Use it wisely
... go on
Fasinating.
The world you're building here has me most intrigued, do continue. It's rare that a fic can hold my attention, I hope it doesn't lose it
5670671 Glad you are enjoying the story, I hope I won't let you down. It really means a lot to me when people say nice things like you do about my work
A decent start. I feel as if your action sequences lack ... flow. Its a hard concept to teach, but it feels stilted and needs more transitory words, and I often find it helps if sentences are longer so that you can really pack in a lot of verbs and descriptors into a single sentence. When it comes to action scenes, and chase scenes like at the end of the chapter, the words "as" and "while" are your best friends to really keep the action's fast pace going. You gotta approach action writing differently, laying on the action hard and fast.
That said, a good start to the story. I enjoy the world you are building here, its very dark and interesting, but I do have a deep resentment for magic which will always hold me back from fully enjoying stories that glorify it.
All in all, a decent first chapter. Just try to work on your action sequences a bit. Oh, and do try to end off with a real zinger of a last line. It really helps build anticipation for the next chapter.
I really liked the first chapter, but this second one has created some...problems for me.
First off
Luna? Luna 'Royal Canterlot Voice' Luna? Really? Nervousness in some situations is a great way to characterize Luna, such as with interpersonal relations or adjusting to the modern era, but not addressing a crowd in terms of something like this.
Well, now that that minor gripe is done with, let's get on to the meat of the issue.
Why does the city of Djeeneigh, despite existing within Equestria, have such a great disparity of wealth and status? Why is what appears to be rampant tribalism allowed and seemingly tolerated by the Princesses? You've qualified Equestria as an empire, so Djeeneigh having it's own king is fair enough, but what about the little things?
Why does Luna reference an Imperial Academy in Canterlot? We already have a canon establishment dedicated to teaching magic... Celestia's School for Unicorns.
It seems horrifically OOC for all three Princesses, but most especially Celestia and Twilight, to not comment on or attempt to change the rampant issues in Djeeneigh. The fact that Twilight sat around and allowed a debate to occur which included mentions of cold-blooded murder and casual discussion of playing off the fact that a group of unicorns murdered a colt is simply ridiculous. The class-ism and tribalism that could well be displayed in Djeeneigh is fine, but if you're going to bring alicorns into this, you have to give me a reason to believe that they would accept such things for even a second.
Are you telling me that Equestria has no power to threaten changes to Djeeneigh? It is a part of their dominion, but the Princesses accept the tribalism, the violence against the poor, the riots? Luna is perfectly calm about sitting in the middle of a group of unicorn mages who have to place a shield around themselves so that they don't get hit with rocks?! Come on. Is this normal behavior for her? Does she face the same every time she or any unicorn goes out in Canterlot?
Either this needs an AU tag to explain why the Princesses are acting like the societal issues displayed here are normal, or a better reason needs to be given for why they would not be trying to stop this. If Djeeneigh is part of Equestria, I need a really well thought out reason for why something this dark, for lack of a better word, is allowed.
Well, as promised, I have come to take a look and give as critical an analysis I can.
So, as of this comment, I have only read the first chapter. Now, let's get this thing started.
First off, I seem to recall we have talked about pacing before. It's going well. Events flow from one to another naturally with a good amount of time spent on each one that would give anything of importance. It was easy enough to read, it didn't feel like there were lengthy segments or neckbreakingly fast parts. In general, I liked this chapter. We are given a first glance at a lot of things, we're following someone that is quite literally part of the oppressed class in an elitist city. There's quite a few heavy topics coming, or so I feel.
There are also a few interesting characters being shown off in this chapter. One thing that puzzles me is Soul though. I'm having trouble putting an age on him, I get the impression that he's a foal/young teenager at most, but there's no number coming to mind. It's not much of a problem, really, it's just something I will try giving more attention in the next one. It could influence a few things in the coming story, so yeah.
Worldbuilding wise, it’s nice. Quite nice so far. A lot of stuff is established in the first chapter, it’s not obtuse, nor spoon-fed. It’s just setting the background for the story, which is a good way to deal with that crucial first chapter. I do like the way the three pony tribes are used. Granted, it would not be present in the show because, yikes, congregation and all, but it still uses the mlp setting to do its own thing. As an aside, fantasy stories seem to have a thing to place the magicians and wizards at the top of the pyramid. Not to mention, the tidbits of history scattered here and there are interesting too. I will say, it's not surprising that the statue of the king is getting defaced. Though, there's another thing I will be wondering: where are Celestia and Luna in this? Oh, and as a purely curiosity thing, I'd like to ask: is this happening in a desertic region? I think the wind description at the very start, well done by the way, just gave me that impression. Still, keep in mind that anything that makes a reader curious enough to ask is a point for you.
Characterization so far also looks like a strong point. I'm feeling a bit more distinction in each character by the way they talk or what they look like they're thinking.
Heck, just in a few lines of conversation, you established the guards as vengeful and concerned for their own (talking about a comrade’s nightmares). That’s excellent. Same with the guy on the lookout.
Grammar and syntax wise though, I noticed a certain number of mistakes. Most of the ones I saw are written below. There are a lot, but they're generally not deal-breaking.
Chapter one
- I trust you see the typo here.
- One word.
- Be consistent with verb tenses. This should be “came”
- Call it nitpicking, but every time I see that peculiar phrasing, it’s “Royal Pony Sisters”
- The rest of the sentence is run-on. I’m a bit confused about what it means.
- Technically correct, but this sentence feels a bit bland. He wants to throw a rock, but the only reason he doesn’t is because he can’t find any? I would suggest having the character struggle less with means than personal hesitation. What if he does find one but thinks of the consequences now? The contrast with the end of the chapter would likely end stronger.
- When writing dialogue, if the narration uses a verb like “said”, the dialogue will end with a comma and the description starts with a normal letter. Like this: “[…] they reach the square,” one of the guard said to another.
- As much as possible, small, rounded number can be spelled out. It’s more unobtrusive that way.
- Not a mistake per say, but you forgot to space the two paragraphs in your formatting.
- As an aside, I liked that moment. It was worth a chuckle.
- Verb tense.
- Here, it’s again more of a technicality. I’m not very drawn by this part. I think it lacks a bit of personality. The description of the parents is so basic that I don’t really feel anything. Imagine an old picture, with two persons you never met but WANT to meet. Is there something that could jump to you without being about the appearance? How are they placed? Is the father holding the mother? Is it a protective hold? What emotion do they have? Is it a bit stiff because picture? Is it on the contrary loving and full of life? Are they dressed in some way? Would that indicate anything? Heck, is mommy pregnant? Wouldn’t that be just a whammy? See what I mean? You could do more to create the impact.
- And I think you should, because Soul does feel that impact. I know, I know, a child that never met his parents, he wants to meet them. That’s normal. But I doubt he would miss them. Here, I think the word choice is a bit clumsy. He was adopted, he has parents now, surely that means something too?
- I’m puzzled. Is this really a way to say ‘I don’t know’? Here, I could be completely mistaken, but that’s not common in writing, as far as I can tell.
- Again, just a formatting mistake. Missing a space between two paragraphs.
- Also, I noticed that in general, you use “Unicorn” and “Pegasus”, but go with “earth pony”. I know a spellcheck will list the first two as spelling mistakes if they don’t have a capital letter, but you should choose consistency here. Either all with a capital letter, or none.
- Errmmm, first sentence is fine, but the second one puzzles me. It’s… weirdly constructed. It could use a bit of rephrasing. Not to mention, you use "Ahead" a few more times around that part.
- Bulkier. Also, I was amused by that line of thought when Soul recognized his pal.
- Run-on sentence. Too long. I can let slide the ‘telling’ aspect here, but you really need to find a better way to get the information across. This sentence just feels long to read. Maybe… linking Shadow Eye’s appearance with his father, the famous thief, and go from there?
- Never more than one ! per sentence. Never.
- Nitpick, but I would go with “Fate” here. He sounds like he personifies Fate as a character.
- You forgot the apostrophe.
- Why the random “our”?
- Hmmmm, not sure about the two sentences glued together. It reads a bit weird to me.
- Apostrophe.
- The comma use in this sentence bugs me…
- Forgotten space between paragraphs.
- Her?
- While undeniably an awesome moment, the build-up goes fast. I’m not sure exactly why, but the attention goes from him to the stone to the mage. It can, but here it jumps a bit too much. Your sentences are a bit long and you repeat “then” a lot.
- Forgot the space between paragraphs. Also, “pointed” not “point”.
- …is that part of the narration or his thoughts? There’s nothing to indicate either.
- Formatting.
Well, I think that’s it for the mistakes I have noticed while reading. For the most part, they are typos that can quickly be fixed. It’s not that serious.
I’ll be posting the comment for chapter two soon. Most likely tonight or tomorrow night.
Well, I kind of decided to do this right now, but I am a little rushed. Do forgive me if I'm less talkative than before. I've mostly registered my impressions and corrections as I read along.
- I’d change the first comma with a “:”.
- You could make two sentences with this.
- Not capitalized.
- I think you’re missing a “the” in there.
- Wait what? *looks back to last chapter* “Dark blue mare”… OH! Well, consider one of my previous questions retracted.
- Missed a space between paragraphs.
- Your sentence needs to be rephrased.
- I… What?! WHAT?! This better get a good justification in-character.
- First, this is the first time I come across a number spelled in letters. I approve, but just a few lines above, it’s pure numbers.
- I think the name sunstrike is nice, but somehow, I get the impression you meant “stun strikes”.
- Colt’s, with an apostrophe.
- First, keep the tense consistent. Not only are they talking about the past, but they are talking about the past within the past. Aka, it should be in past tense, and that part should be past perfect. “That had been until they had found out what the expulsions were.”
- In most of Equestria, Earth Ponies…
- “the amount of hatred and racism from Earth Ponies and Pegasi towards Unicorns”
o Hmmmmm… shouldn’t it be the other way around? If one class oppresses the others, they are the one at fault, not the opposite.
- Hearth’s Warming Eve, just like Christmas.
- Why the capital letters for classism and tribalism? Not to mention the “almost” feels superfluous here.
- On one hand, this answers my questions. On the other, it’s an info dump. This one feels less natural than the previous expositions. Not to mention it’s rather lengthy. The run-on sentences don’t help.
- Note the ‘unforunately’ typo.
- I guess it’s a nice sentiment from them, but it certainly does not do much to help.
- I’m just underlining this part, because I think it does everything right. It showcases the elite’s classism, well, naturally with just those few lines. A +.
- You have three instances of present tense out of nowhere.
- The rest is a bit… confused. The first point is direct and necessary. Law is there for everyone, but why does the narration then undermines its own point by reminding the reader of the mages’ bullshit? I don’t think that’s needed.
- The paragraph should focus on one thing. The way it jumps on Twilight does not feel like a smooth transition. It’s abrupt. You should make it clear from the second sentence on that it’s Twilight’s point of view there. Something like… “Silence followed. From her viewpoint on the balcony, Twilight could see Soulful frowning. It was her first time seeing a guild meeting […]”. Just keep it a bit more tightly wrapped.
- One word, otherwise, the rest of that passage is good.
- Oh Twilight. You’re not the only one.
- Also, “that there had”
- Should be pony’s
- Why the capitalized letter?
- I had to laugh. Seriously, what kind of idiot ignores Princess Luna’s opinion to her face? Disregarding offending her, it’s still the kind of expertise that is not common.
- But hey, paranoia is always a winner, right?
- I’m not sure about this phrasing.
- You forgot the closing quotation mark.
- Again, a capitalized letter where it’s not needed.
- Unnecessary comma in the middle.
- Both need not be capitalized, and in the first case, end the dialogue with a comma
- Apostrophe
- Missing a period at the end.
- It should be capitalized like every other instance before.
- Missing a period after “idea”.
- Holy crap! That one is brilliant.
- Someone outlines a plan to increase their chances of success and minimize this ‘threat’ they are worried about… and they rant about appearances?!
- I suppose they really are self-centered to the point of not realizing that there are many other things about them that Equestrians in general would be disgusted with.
- Again, I just really liked reading that one.
- And what came next was just icing on the cake. It’s like reading them being served humble pie. Nice.
- Apostrophe.
- For attacking
- You know.
- Seriously, you capitalize every time you use a : . Don’t.
Okay, that’s more or less it correction wise.
In general though, I think this chapter was pretty nice. It showed us something important. It gave us a good idea at how callous this upper class is. It’s the ‘show’ to the earlier ‘sort-of-tell’. Good. I do not doubt about these guys needing a good dope slap to the back of the head. Alas, politics.
On that subject, while I am a bit disappointed about the lack of intervention from the Princesses, I get that it’s necessary for the plot. Feels at least somewhat out of character, but that might depend on what the princesses will be doing for the rest of the story. I expect things like secret manipulative power grab from Celestia, epic meddling by Luna or private investigator Twilight. That sort of stuff. Still is a bit unpleasant to acknowledge. Now, that is said more as a reader than a reviewer, but hey.
So, yeah, looks like you have a good premise in your hands, I wish you luck for the next chapters.
This has some serious potential! It does need some gamer and spell checking. In this case i would suggest printing the story out on paper, and marking it up with red pen. Its often hard for writers to fix our own writing when its on a screen. Trust me these things will jump out at you when you have it in your hand.
5672693
With the issue of why the princesses don't entervine is if you read in the first chapter, it says that djeeneh is a territory of sorts not completely a part of eqeustria. So it can be said that djeeneh is in equestria's sphere of influence, which wold would explain why they have some say but can't just barge in demanding things. If it's explained that equestria gains wealth from the city it will set this idea in concrete.
5688855 I really wish that I could understand your comment, but though it has English words, they aren't strung together anywhere near coherency. Ultimately, if Djeeneigh is a city-state, no matter how powerful, if Equestria has any sort of power over it, it is unrealistic to expect that the harmonious Princesses of Equestria would allow rampant tribalism and class warfare.
A couple of edits made to the second chapter attempt to deal with this, and point out that the Princesses don't want war, which is perfectly reasonable at this juncture, but to say Djeeneigh, even if only within the sphere of influence of Equestria, would be allowed with no issue to continue is ridiculous.
5689871 I thought we already talked about this Fool.
I added those new parts into the chapter that gave the explanation.
And both of you please do not start arguing about this.
5689882 Oh yeah, you made good points, and I just noticed the edits. I just wanted to explain to someone not privy to our PMs my way of thought.
Decent chapter. Your writing is slowly becoming more showy, and less telly, which is always good. The interaction between some of the mages and Celestia/Luna seemed a little OOC tbh, as they're the freakin' ultimate arch mages that could end the goddamn world if they so desired, so it's rather hard for me to swallow that they wouldn't take control of the situation more. Still, I understand why you did it, for plot purposes, and thats fine I supposed, but do try and remember that no mage in the entirety of Equestria even comes to close to the four princesses. Theres a reason they're the Princesses after all.
Furthermore, I'm liking the world you're building in Djeeneigh, but I would reccomend trying to stay away from anything too gritty or dark, as it just seems rather contrived to be honest. Try and focus on the class divide more than anything, as I like where your're going with the racism and discrimination between races. Equestria is a happy place most of the time, even in dark fics, and so to reflect that, make it so that the lower class have got it decent enough, but the upper class are living like gods, specifically the snooty nobles.
Good chapter all in all. Keep it up.
So this chapter needs a metric fuck-ton of editing. Just about every other period is missing.
Also, quick note, in English, all dialogue must end with punctuation within the quotation marks. If the dialogue is at the end of a sentence, it should have a period, if it's in the middle of one, it should have a comma. Also, there should be a comma before the quotation marks when a sentence starts before the dialogue does.
Just for reference, this
should look like this
As for the chapter itself, I really enjoyed the growing suspense and I really look forward to seeing the first meeting between Soul and the Princesses.
After having read the first two chapters I can safely say that this story and the world you are trying to build has potential, but there are a number of issues that make the plot a tad hard to take seriously. I think you are trying a wee bit too hard to present a gritty and stern facade for your setting, which doesn't necessarily make it more "serious" in itself.
If you had presented the city as a bit more mild mannered place as opposed to "rampant racism, yearly expulsions, untrained unicorns being commonly killed by the guard because they can't be bothered" - it would have worked better. As it is, there is no way the princesses wouldn't have shut this place down years ago, by force if necessary.
No, there is no threat of civil war - the inept nobility of one outskirt city of Equestria do not a civil war make, no more than any single city going off the deep end in the USA constitutes a credible civil war - it's called riot control, at best. Or more like a mass police operation to arrest the top circles of a criminal organization.
And yes, Celestia and Luna would do it - they have invaded a foreign neighboring country before to dethrone its despot when he was oppressing the populace (Crystal Empire and Sombra), there is no credibility to the thought that they would tolerate such nonsense within their own borders.
And it's made even easier by the fact that they can do it on their lonesome, they don't even have to mobilize the Guard for it (though I suppose it can't hurt as a show of force - it's not like one city can muster any credible threat against the whole of Equestria - most would surrender outright) - whatever silly force the city can muster doesn't stand a chance against an Alicorn (remember, all pony magic of Equestria plus Discord are roughly equal to the combined power of just the four alicorns) - so frankly this supposed "king", his local council, the city guard and the mage guild would end up in Canterlot's dungeons before the day is over.
Nor would they have allowed Djeeneigh to join Equestria in the first place really, without going over their laws with a fine toothed comb before giving them autonomous governance, coupled with a hooves-on-the-ground inspection from agents of the Crown or one of the Princesses themselves - you just don't randomly accept regions in to your empire, without knowing what the local conditions are.
So ... yeah. The ideas behind the story have potential and it would be interesting to see how the foal's life ends up changing if the princesses do pick him up, but you tried too hard to make it a grim and gritty place where racism is prevalent, the population is being oppressed and "unregistered" unicorns are being killed by the guard because it's less hassle for them, as per the first chapter. If this hellhole and its administrators really were that bad, they would have gone, forcibly, the way of Sombra long ago. With some tweaks and dialing back the nastiness this could make for an excellent setup for a story, but as is now I'm afraid the setting kinda falls apart.
Tone it down a bit, to where things are still pretty bad in the city, but on a level where they deserve a strong reprimand from the princesses, not this craphole where they would be duty, moral and honor bound to have everyone in that meeting room put in chains and pending investigation for their crimes. With that out of the way, you could have a winner on your hands.
5660780 *uses powers to create more empty space than potato chips in a packet*
Found this pretty late but I can see the influence of The Magicians' Guild, great book and I love your take on it after just the first chapter
luna yelling wont help